To not want to invite this boy to my son's party?

[ziggiestardust]

Mumsnet regular; name changed after a long break.

This is such a worry for me, I'm desperate to not do the wrong thing.

My son's 3rd birthday is a couple of weeks away, and I'm looking at sending the invites shortly. He goes to nursery and I'm inviting a couple of children from there, as well as some family children and some friends from baby groups we've kept in touch with; so a mixed group.

At nursery, there is a little boy whose mum I'm really friendly with and we get on well. However, over the past year it's become more apparent that the friendship between our sons is a little one sided. This other boy pushed my son around a bit; we had a couple of minor incidents. DS would come home and say 'X pushed me today' or 'X scratched me today' about once a week at one point. I raised it with the nursery, and they kept a closer eye on the situation and it subsided a bit. A few weeks later; DS came home with bruises and marks on his face. It turned out that this other boy had pushed him to the ground, and held him down whilst he bit and scratched his face. It was quite nasty and there was a puncture style wound under DS' eye from the other boys' teeth, which bruised and swelled

The situation was dealt with well by the nursery, although I was quite upset.

Now, we were invited to this boy's party a few weeks later. We did go (like I said; I'm friendly with the mum and didn't want to let her down), but her son still hit mine over the head with a toy repeatedly until I grabbed my boy away and we left shortly after.

I have cooled the friendship a little, if I'm honest. My son ends up getting hit by this other boy every time we meet, it seems.

Can I get away with not inviting this boy to my son's party? I don't want to come across as nasty! But it's my son's party, and DH is adamant that this other boy isn't coming and we need to protect our son from another child who has a tendency to bully other kids.

But how can I deal with this sensitively? What happens if the boy's mum asks me why her son isn't invited?

in advance

[QuintessentialOldDear]

You know what? If you invite that boy to your sons party, you are telling your son that this boy is more important than him

That is how you come across.

Please stop being pathetic toeing your hands over this. Grow a spine and be there for YOUR child!

[jessieagain]

Of course yanbu.

I definitely wouldn't invite him. And I would make lots of polite/friendly excuses to avoid spending anytime with them.

[Junebugjr]

What sharri15 said.
I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. Just say he's having a few best friends and family, and leave it at that. You really can't have your ds frightened and anxious during his own birthday party. You can still socialise with your friend but in an appropriate setting where you can more closely watch the boys together. By next year his phase of hitting etc could be over, and they could be best pals, 3 year old change like the wind.
My oldest friends ds is 5, and can be quite nasty to my 2yr old dd, whos also quite fiery so gives as good as she gets unfortunately, so we just don't invite him over anymore, it's not worth the screaming. Me and my friend still have a good friendship though.

[JerseySpud]

He is a bully. Just do not invite him and if the mother asks why tell her the truth that your DS doesnt want him there.

[Cuddlydragon]

I think if you're little one is worried about this boy then that would be the decision made for me. No little boy should be worried on his birthday. It's up to you if you feel the need to explain to the mum.

[ziggiestardust]

Thankyou for all the responses; I agree that we should be meeting up without the boys. It is difficult though, seeing as she has other children too and is currently on her own.

She does handle the situation; but only at a fairly late point (I feel) and the little boy doesn't really listen anyway.

I think she has a higher tolerance for aggressive behaviour than I do, really. I think she just thinks its 'kids being kids'.

Because this little boy has moved up to the next room in nursery; my DS doesn't mention him much anymore, and they don't come into contact as much as they did. This was going to be my reason for not inviting him to the party, because they don't spend time together anymore, rather than bringing up the aggression thing. Purely because I don't want to seem like I'm judging her; she's doing a really difficult job on her own and I don't want to make her feel bad about it.

[saggyhairyarse]

I wouldn't invite the child to the party. I don't think the Mum will ask why her son cant go but if she does, tell her the truth 'We couldn't invite everybody and DS chose the friends he wanted to come'.

Also, do teach your child how to stand up for themselves. Tell him to shout very loudly "STOP, YOU ARE HURTING ME" to gain an adults atention and to push the other child away.

My DS has been picked on for years, he is a rule follower and always followed the instructions of the school and told an adult but until he actually defended himself it never stopped.

[Rosesarebeautiful]

My youngest had a 'friend' who was a bully from a young age. It wasn't just the normal rough and tumble you get from boys (and I have 3 boys), you could actually see this boy think about hurting another boy before he did it. It was just a fleeting expression on his face, but I was shocked when I saw it. The mum never did anything about his behaviour

So I did pull away from that friendship. My son is in the same school now, but is the year below. The boy is still a bully and badly behaved (aged 10),and the mum still can't see it. I would still avoid my son going on a play date if I wasn't there to look out for him. I'm not normally precious about my no 4

Just keep it straightforward and if she finds out just say it was only a few kids- couldn't have everyone. You don't have to.

[propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS]

Yanbu. I would not be tolerating my child being hit at their own birthday party. If the mother asks why her child is not invited, just be honest. Say you don't want your dc being hit and pushed.

[Oblomov]

Threads like this, I do find very hard to read. Because people are just very different. So unlike me.

I really didn't like the way Op described things. And when she said that she used the word bully, because she was trying to explain to us, the conversation that she had had with her dh, that just made it ten times WORSE.
Both my boys have been hurt, bitten on the face etc. I was most upset. And the nursery DID deal with it well. But I never thought that person was a bully. I viewed it totally differently to OP.

And I would have done something about it before.
I can not comprehend why Op has not spoken to this woman.

Just a " I'm so sorry friend, but I haven't been in touch much recently, because when the boys were playing , my ds kept getting hurt.
And I know you wouldn't want that either. Maybe we should just give them a break from eachother for a while"

Or some such, gentle, but very telling way of telling her that you can't have your son being hurt.
Grow a spine. Do something about it. And then there won't be a problem, will there?

[pigletmania]

That's a good idea harri

[Rosesarebeautiful]

I can only speak for myself, but I did broach the subject with my friend and she couldn't see how intentionally mean her DS's behaviour was when he was younger & she still can't now.

There is rough and tumble in boys, and they do hurt each other. The difference comes when there's a feeling one boy is deliberately picking on another.

So now I choose to protect my son rather than interfere with her choices about bringing up hers.