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AIBU?

To not want to invite this boy to my son's party?

112 replies

ziggiestardust · 05/09/2013 21:32

Mumsnet regular; name changed after a long break.

This is such a worry for me, I'm desperate to not do the wrong thing.

My son's 3rd birthday is a couple of weeks away, and I'm looking at sending the invites shortly. He goes to nursery and I'm inviting a couple of children from there, as well as some family children and some friends from baby groups we've kept in touch with; so a mixed group.

At nursery, there is a little boy whose mum I'm really friendly with and we get on well. However, over the past year it's become more apparent that the friendship between our sons is a little one sided. This other boy pushed my son around a bit; we had a couple of minor incidents. DS would come home and say 'X pushed me today' or 'X scratched me today' about once a week at one point. I raised it with the nursery, and they kept a closer eye on the situation and it subsided a bit. A few weeks later; DS came home with bruises and marks on his face. It turned out that this other boy had pushed him to the ground, and held him down whilst he bit and scratched his face. It was quite nasty and there was a puncture style wound under DS' eye from the other boys' teeth, which bruised and swelled

The situation was dealt with well by the nursery, although I was quite upset.

Now, we were invited to this boy's party a few weeks later. We did go (like I said; I'm friendly with the mum and didn't want to let her down), but her son still hit mine over the head with a toy repeatedly until I grabbed my boy away and we left shortly after.

I have cooled the friendship a little, if I'm honest. My son ends up getting hit by this other boy every time we meet, it seems.

Can I get away with not inviting this boy to my son's party? I don't want to come across as nasty! But it's my son's party, and DH is adamant that this other boy isn't coming and we need to protect our son from another child who has a tendency to bully other kids.

But how can I deal with this sensitively? What happens if the boy's mum asks me why her son isn't invited?

in advance

OP posts:

Report

pigletmania · 05/09/2013 22:24

It is already affecting te friendship as op has cooled off a bit

HaroldLloyd · 05/09/2013 22:24

Ziggie it's not really your OP I was referring to BTW there have been lots of other posts re bully. Your just trying to work this out I know.

simpson · 05/09/2013 22:25

I do think you need to chat to the other boys mum.

Have the nursery not told her what he is doing to another child at nursery? I would find it a bit odd if they weren't.

When DS was at nursery he got some sand thrown in his eyes (deliberately according to the nursery staff) who had a word with the boy in questions mother (had the potential to be v awkward as she was a good friend of mine and did not find out till after they had spoken to her) but she was great about it (the sand throwing incident was not the first).

HaroldLloyd · 05/09/2013 22:28

If DS does something I have to sign a book. The shame!

ziggiestardust · 05/09/2013 22:30

If I'm offending anyone by using the term 'bully' then I can assure you that isn't what I intended; but the fact is, my son has come home on more than several occasions having been hurt by this other boy. Mostly just hitting, scratching and kicking, but culminating in the biting/scratching on the face. So, you'll forgive me for being upset.

OP posts:

ziggiestardust · 05/09/2013 22:32

harold yes they have a form outlining the incident at our nursery too. You sound really nice and conscientious, tbh. I feel for you. X

OP posts:

HaroldLloyd · 05/09/2013 22:36

It really is the pits! I know it's horrible when they get hit too though.

I know the danger signs, I recently didn't take him to a party as I knew it would be a very bad move but still went with my baby & the present.

I feel sorry for you it's a tough one.

knickernicker · 05/09/2013 22:37

If you criticise the other boy to his mum or leave him out of the party, its a certainty that she'll take it badly.one way to avoid rocking the boat would be to not have a party at all. If you had a family tea, cake and presents, would
he even know he'd not had a party?

CeliaLytton · 05/09/2013 22:38

YANBU to not invite this child. It would be a lovely gesture and would probably be a good thing in terms of demonstrating to the child how others behave but you have a right to put your son first at his birthday party. Make the decision, call it done and move on.

HaroldLloyd · 05/09/2013 22:45

I don't think it's mean not to invite him but ultimately if you want to stay close friends its not practical to keep them apart so id speak to the mum about how the situation should be handled.

ziggiestardust · 05/09/2013 22:48

But knicker, why should my son not have a party because of this one boy? That doesn't seem fair either

OP posts:

AintNobodyGotTimeFurThat · 05/09/2013 22:50

I don't mean to mention it in a confrontational way. I'd just say for example if your friend if Joanne, "Look Joanne I don't want to make a big deal of it because it might just be childish banter but Connor has came home with bruises a few times that he says he has got from Jake. I was just mentioning it because I thought you should know and wasn't sure if perhaps he does this at home. It's lovely for our boys to be friends and I don't want this to get in the way of that." Or something to that affect.

I thankfully am at 5 month old stage so far so haven't had to cross these situations yet so I don't mean to come across as judgmental I just assumed that talking to the parent would be best, considering you've already mentioned it to nursery, as I am sure they have probably mentioned it to her and I am sure she'd wonder why you haven't mentioned it yourself if you see what I mean.

But only you know your friend. She might be a very nice person, but very defensive about her son so perhaps talking about it isn't necessarily the best option.

I didn't mean to come across as judgmental and realised it seemed to appear that way, so sorry for that.

HaroldLloyd · 05/09/2013 22:51

Ziggie I've even had a chat with DP!!

We have a group of really close friends we can talk to about DS and will feel happy to help intervene and tell us if any problem - we always get asked to these parties

If its a nursery friend I honestly wouldn't be gutted as I know it's a pain for people.

He's getting a lot better I wouldn't imagine this boy is going to be doing this for much longer (hopefully!)

It's very awkward I feel for you.

pigletmania · 05/09/2013 22:54

I agree ziggy why should your ds not have a party because of this boys behaviour! If you value this friendship sit down and tell her how you feel

AintNobodyGotTimeFurThat · 05/09/2013 22:54

I don't think it's fair for your son not to have a party because of one little boys bad behaviour it just seems counter productive and doesn't solve the issue in any way.

HaroldLloyd · 05/09/2013 22:55

Yes must have a party!

HaroldLloyd · 05/09/2013 22:57

The party I didn't go to was a pirate party with cutlasses issued. That was a biiiiiig mistake there were a lot of scraps. V. Glad DS at home!

knickernicker · 05/09/2013 22:58

I wouldn't suggest you should penalise your son, just saying that if he would enjoy a family celebration as much as a party then you wouldn't lose a friendship over it.

knickernicker · 05/09/2013 23:04

The issue can't be solved. The other boy is one of 2 things-a bully in the making or going through a phase. In both possible cases, there is little that can be gained by approaching the other mum than creating bad feeling.

pigletmania · 05/09/2013 23:04

I think he wants to invite his friends though

jussey17 · 05/09/2013 23:05

I have exactly the same problem. I like the mother but her dd is awful to my ds, he doesn't seem to mind but I do. Will be reading advice with interest.

Nanny0gg · 05/09/2013 23:06

A three year-old's party will surely have a lot of adults (including boy's mum) present.

Can't you make sure he's watched like a hawk (in the nicest possible way)?

Retroformica · 05/09/2013 23:10

Invite the couple from nursery in a low key way.

You gave the boy a gift at his party in exchange for the invite. So you are equal, you don't owe the boy anything.

Thirdly, if the mother asks about the birthday say 'oo yes I told my son he could choose only 6 friends to invite. It was quite quiet'

Lastly, start seeing the mum out in he evenings. It's not fair in your son to keep pushing them together.

mymateloulou · 05/09/2013 23:16

I wouldn't invite him. If you think the friend will know about the party, just pre-empt it by saying pls don't be offended, we're just having a really small party and could only invite small no. And you asked your DS to choose. She may be a little miffed but much better than telling her straight. I recall being mortified when my DS -age 4-pushed someone at school. He did it out of frustration but unfortunately hit the boys head on a bookcase. The parent went running to the Head. He wasn't naughty but just lagged behind some others in terms of emotional development. It's too easy for others to judge and think you're a bad parent if your child does something unacceptable. Some kids just take longer to find out what is unacceptable behaviour, despite parents best intentions! I'm sure she will already have enough stress of coping with him, without someone pointing it out to her! And of course it's not worth you being on edge and not enjoying the occasion if you invited him ! Good luck

LimitedEditionLady · 05/09/2013 23:41

Theres a boy at my ds nursery who my ds would say such a boy hit me,they didnt tell me about it but my ds did.It is incredibly upsetting but I think to be friends with his mum you need some one on one time with them to see how they interact.If he hits a lot of kids and is going through a funny stage of this tbh i wouldnt want him hitting the other kids.I kniw it sounds harsh but i would think itd make you feel a bit guilty and will you not be a bit tense the whole time especially as your oh said not to invite him?

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