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AIBU?

To not want to invite this boy to my son's party?

112 replies

ziggiestardust · 05/09/2013 21:32

Mumsnet regular; name changed after a long break.

This is such a worry for me, I'm desperate to not do the wrong thing.

My son's 3rd birthday is a couple of weeks away, and I'm looking at sending the invites shortly. He goes to nursery and I'm inviting a couple of children from there, as well as some family children and some friends from baby groups we've kept in touch with; so a mixed group.

At nursery, there is a little boy whose mum I'm really friendly with and we get on well. However, over the past year it's become more apparent that the friendship between our sons is a little one sided. This other boy pushed my son around a bit; we had a couple of minor incidents. DS would come home and say 'X pushed me today' or 'X scratched me today' about once a week at one point. I raised it with the nursery, and they kept a closer eye on the situation and it subsided a bit. A few weeks later; DS came home with bruises and marks on his face. It turned out that this other boy had pushed him to the ground, and held him down whilst he bit and scratched his face. It was quite nasty and there was a puncture style wound under DS' eye from the other boys' teeth, which bruised and swelled

The situation was dealt with well by the nursery, although I was quite upset.

Now, we were invited to this boy's party a few weeks later. We did go (like I said; I'm friendly with the mum and didn't want to let her down), but her son still hit mine over the head with a toy repeatedly until I grabbed my boy away and we left shortly after.

I have cooled the friendship a little, if I'm honest. My son ends up getting hit by this other boy every time we meet, it seems.

Can I get away with not inviting this boy to my son's party? I don't want to come across as nasty! But it's my son's party, and DH is adamant that this other boy isn't coming and we need to protect our son from another child who has a tendency to bully other kids.

But how can I deal with this sensitively? What happens if the boy's mum asks me why her son isn't invited?

in advance

OP posts:

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cees · 05/09/2013 21:57

YANBU, I wouldn't invite this boy and if his mom asks then tell her the truth, her son hurts yours and you can't have him at the party because of that.

ziggiestardust · 05/09/2013 21:59

Oh, I asked my son who did it and he told me bozo I then told the nursery that my son had told me X had done this and they confirmed it.

Those asking how it had gotten that far; apparently they were in the home corner (it's called something else these days but I can't remember what; you catch my drift though) and a child fell over and the staff member supervising the home corner went to that child to comfort them, and that's when it happened.

OP posts:

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 05/09/2013 22:00

He isn't a bully, he's 3

Oh yes he damn well is

This isn't just playing young child fighting, it's nasty. And picking on one child how doesn't fight back...
Well if that isn't bullying, what is it?

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 05/09/2013 22:00

one child who doesn;t fight back

Nanny0gg · 05/09/2013 22:03

Does she need to know about the party?

I'd just keep it very quiet...

ziggiestardust · 05/09/2013 22:04

Also; the party incident: mum was filming the party and so couldn't grab. She did point though and gesture and another family member grabbed the little boy, but by that stage I'd already swooped and rescued DS from the situation.

I think that's why I'm at odds though; we were invited to her DS' party and I accepted. I didn't want to offend. I still don't. DH says that party invites aren't an exchange system; you don't get a one for one iyswim, but I feel like it looks rude if you don't.

OP posts:

HaroldLloyd · 05/09/2013 22:04

My DS hits bites and scratches and its hell. I feel isolated over it. He has hit bitten and scratched my best friends DS, we handle it together.

Can't you talk about it to your friend? If I took my DS to her party and he was bad I'd take him home. Would she?

He loves this boy by the way, it's not from dislike.

Xales · 05/09/2013 22:04

Your DS deserves a party without being attacked.

Put your son first.

ziggiestardust · 05/09/2013 22:06

nanny that's what I'd say... If it weren't for Facebook and word of mouth. If there isn't a photo, a public thank you, or an aside of 'I didn't see you at X 's party...' then ill be damned. Small town, y'see

OP posts:

AlwaysWashing · 05/09/2013 22:07

You definitely shouldn't invite him, it's your boys birthday party for goodness sake. How would he feel and you feel if he get the crap bashed out of him at his birthday party? And no I'm not being ott. It's our job to protect thence, he's 3 not 13, he can't be expected to deal with that at 3.
I don't think it matters how nice his Mother is you need to explain it to her. She'll be unhappy/upset/embarrassed but as a Mum she should get it.

HaroldLloyd · 05/09/2013 22:07

Bonzo they DO do this, I've chatted with nursery staff and it happens. At three I hope he will be heading out of it as he's 2.5 now.

Three year olds are not bullies, but if the mother is not acting I can see your reticence. I would intervene and remove, if it ever got that bad.

ziggiestardust · 05/09/2013 22:10

harold I appreciate you taking the time to comment, and I'm really sorry you're going through this with your DS. I'm grateful to see the other side. I'm not sure if she'd go all the way there just to drag her DS out of the party. She's on her own as well, so it's difficult.

OP posts:

HeySoulSister · 05/09/2013 22:10

Op says he has a tendency to 'bully other kids' ... So it's not just the op's ds

Labelling a 3 year old as a bully is ridiculous!

lunar1 · 05/09/2013 22:11

Why not talk to your friend, say you are having two celebrations for ds birthday. Have a tea party for just ds and this boy. Just be honest and tell her you want to separate the parties to see if you can resolve the problems( then watch them like a bloody hawk). She must know its not ok that your son is basically being bullied by hers.

LesserSpottedFuckwit · 05/09/2013 22:11

He isn't a bully! he's 3!!

Yes he is. Being three or thirteen doesn't change that.

HaroldLloyd · 05/09/2013 22:11

Three year olds? Come on.

thedreamersmother · 05/09/2013 22:17

YABU, as long as the mother is trying to deal with his behaviour. 3 year olds (especially newly 3 year olds) do things like this, it does not make them bad, or bullies. In 6 months it could well be your child behaving badly. One of mine was a biter, and it was isolating, but it was a phase that passed (with consistent correction). The 2.6 year old DD of my best friend attacks my 2 year old (and sometimes my older children) every time we meet - sometimes twice a week. And yes, it is awful for me to see my child hurt, but I know that my friend is trying, we watch like hawks so that it never gets too out of hand, and ultimately, despite this, the cildren are friends. If this little boy is not allowed to socialise he will not have the opportunity to learn.

HeySoulSister · 05/09/2013 22:17

Yeah I know, 3!! Practically babies... Learning... Becoming socialised..... But no, no, he's a bully. He knows exactly what he's doing and he's a scheming 'bully'.... Got it all planned out he has!

ziggiestardust · 05/09/2013 22:18

'DH is adamant that this other boy isn't coming and we need to protect our son from another child who has a tendency to bully other kids.'

I meant other kids as in our son. It was perhaps a poor choice of phrase; I was just trying to give an impression of the conversation between my DH and I.

Another mum did say to me at the party in a jokey way as I separated the boys 'oh, I'm lucky it wasn't my son this time!' But I honestly can't say whether there was something in that, or if she was just trying to lighten the situation; hence I didn't include it in the OP.

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HaroldLloyd · 05/09/2013 22:19

What was the mum doing when your DS was being hit on the head - I think that is the problem really.

I took DS to a party on the weekend and knew he was in the danger zone as he was tired, so I literally followed him around, he would have been able to hit.

It's awkward this isn't it, I know we still get asked because DS is a sweet boy and I do take action but he has hit friends children and its mortifying.

I think your of course within your rights not to ask him but it might affect the friendship, unless you want to talk to her about it and mention it?

I would have called you to apologise after the party re the toy.

pigletmania · 05/09/2013 22:21

In that case op I would not invite him, just tell her that you are having a small party and inviting Chidren your ds wants, at te moment tb two boys are not getting on. The dreamersmother, op ds party is not a social excrement, this boy has a chance to socialise at nursery!

lunar1 · 05/09/2013 22:22

Arguing about if a three year old is capable of being a bully is really beside the point. The impact it has on the op's ds is that he is being hit and bit repeatedly by the same child. Her ds is being bullied and I don't see how anyone could say he isn't.

pigletmania · 05/09/2013 22:23

Experiment doh

ziggiestardust · 05/09/2013 22:23

hey chill out, ok? I'm not trying to offend anyone, and it feels like you're trying to get me to bite a bit here, but that's not going to happen. I've outlined the situation, you've made your point clear... I hear you. Ok? But your son didn't come home with puncture wounds and scratches on his head, face and neck. This wasn't a one off, either. My son worries about it. That isn't fair, either.

OP posts:

HaroldLloyd · 05/09/2013 22:23

The point really here is how to keep the friendship going with the mum whilst managing the DS.

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