AIBU to go on holiday?

[giantpurplepeopleeater]

I have a DS, 2.7yrs. I live with DP who is not DS's Dad.

We got offered the use of an apartment in a few weeks in Portugal, a freebie from one of DP's friends. So we only have to pay for flights. It's going to be for 7 nights.

Apartment is in a quiet village, quite a way from the airport, and is in a private complex that isn't full of holiday lets, but generally where people live/ have second homes.

We decided it wasn't really the kind of holiday to take DS on, as we wouldn't be doing much, and that it would give us a chance to relax and get a break, so I have arranged for DS to stay with my parents.

DS hero worships my dad, and they help me out with childcare while I work, so I have no qualms about how he will be looked after, or that he won't enjoy it. My Mom won't be working at the time, and they have plans to spend some time with my sister and niece and take him on a day trip on a train.

Ex has gotten wind of it and has made a couple of comments along the lines of him not being able to believe I am 'dumping' DS to go on holiday on my own, and how selfish it is. Also a friend's reaction was that she couldn't leave her DC for that long and won't I worry/ miss him.

Well of course I will miss him! But I know him and his grandparents are going to have a lovely time!

AIBU to go on holiday for a week without him????

[TolliverGroat]

I'm not sure it is beside the point, actually -- I do have sympathy with your general point, really I do, but I don't see that it applies to a holiday staying with grandparents. And maybe that's affected by actually seeing a close loving relationship between grandchildren and grandparents myself. Yes, the OP's DS has had more upheaval in his life than most 2yo, but his maternal grandparents have been a constant, stable, loving presence in his life.

[mnistooaddictive]

I thought the whole point if AIBU was that people expressed their opinion. Sad to see people being flamed for that. It may be different to yours, but it is no less valid.

[HappyMummyOfOne]

Hadababy is entitled to her opinions, the OP asked what others thought.

Given the OP works and the child will spend probably one night and every other weekend with his dad then its not like she doesnt have any child free time. If money is tight, then most parents would either spend it on something all the family could do or save for a little longer. I cant imagine many would use it for a holiday and leave their children behind. Nothing to do with being joined at the hip to your children but wanting all family members to have a holiday.

The OP's parents may feel taken advantage off given they already have the commitment of weekly childcare and are now expected to cover 24/7 as the OP fancies a child free holiday. Its a huge ask of anybody. The money spent on flights could have paid for some childcare to give them a break so they have a chance to go away given you have already had one holiday.

[RatUpADrainpipe]

The OP's parents may feel taken advantage off given they already have the commitment of weekly childcare and are now expected to cover 24/7 as the OP fancies a child free holiday.

I am sure they are more than capable of saying if this is so. 'Fancies a child free holiday' - don't be nasty.

[Numberlock]

I think we can leave the OP to manage the relationship with her parents, can't we.

So does no-one else encourage their children to spend time alone with their grandparents?

Makes me feel very sad about the future if this is the case.

[HappyMummyOfOne]

Theres a huge difference between encouraging a relationship and time with grandparents to weekly childcare and 24/7 care when the parents dont want to take the children with them on holiday.

Its perfectly possible to spend time with grandparents and other family matters with no element of childcare being built in.

[hadababygirl]

Well, I honestly don't want to be contentious but I do feel there is a middle ground between 'never spending time alone with grandparents' and 'going abroad for seven days'. If the OP was spending a night away, even two nights, that would be different, I feel.

[Numberlock]

Christ, I'm going to have to hide this thread.

[GladbagsGold]

OP of course YANBU. Hope you have a brilliant holiday!

My dad and stepmum used to have a holiday without kids every year and we'd stay at GPs. It meant we were v close to GPs, we had a great time. It also gave my parents some time to be just them, which is good for any couple relationship but I think v important for one that has kids in it from the start. So it benefited us kids as well, because they have a strong happy marriage, so we lived in a happy home.

[Blondeshavemorefun]

op hasnt replied, hopefully she is already on that plane

it is healthy for children to spend some time away from their parents, and in return its healthy for parents to have some me time and be mr&ms purple eater again and not always mum and dsd

ignore anyone who is laying the guilt trip, sure ds will have a fab time with gp's

did ds dad offer to have him if he is passing judgement?

as i said i look after a lot of children whose parents go away, sometimes yes its work or illness but often pleasure and a holiday - they have a great time with me and want/need a pressie when the parents come back and parents refresh their batteries - which imho think is important

[LaurenSquealer]

It's interesting that her ex had to 'get wind of it' and hadn't been informed directly.

I would assume in that case that he doesn't have regular contact with his son - and therefore has no legitimate opinion. I also assume he doesn't feel the need to ask permission from the OP whenever he goes on holiday.

[AnnabelleLee]

I have to wonder, if the precious moments folk are so secure in their own choices, why the need to accuse others of being selfish, abandonment yada yada for a simple thing like leaving a child with loving grandparents for a week?
Seems to me like they are deeply insecure (possibly with their own mummy-ishoos) or else they wouldn't give a swinging mickey what other people do with their kids. Perhaps its their inner child that feels hurt and lost, and they are projecting onto OP's perfectly well adjusted kid?

see, we can all do cod psychology made up on the spot, s'easy

[Crinkle77]

It's only a week. If it were for a month I might say yabu. It might not suit everyone but if you are happy with it then go and have a lovely time

[giantpurplepeopleeater]

Hello everyone.

Thank you so much for responding, sorry I haven't been back sooner, but life got in the way

I have read all the posts, and sincerely want to thank everyone who has made the time to give their thoughts. There are some points I feel I should address, so I will......

[giantpurplepeopleeater]

DS's Dad, my Ex, walked out when DS was a small baby, less than 6 months old. DS was also very poorly, and had to go through a very serious and dangerous operation at 1 yr old.

My Ex was, initially, resentful and argumentative when attempting to co-parent. There were a number of hospital and doctors appointments for scans, examinations etc which he did not attend.

My Dad, DS's Grandad, attended all of these appointments with me and DS to support us.

Ex walking out while I was on maternity leave, refusing to pay his half of the rent etc, left us in a very difficult position and I was left temporarily homeless. I moved in and spent 6 months living with my parents.

I don't know why I'm sharing all this...... but I wanted to say the following without it being an issue......

My Dad is more of a father to DS than my Ex has ever been. My parents have been the other constant in his life, and have provided support when he/I needed it.

DS hero worships him, and loves spending time with him. I do not have any worries about any abandonment issues occurring from DS staying with his grandparents for a few days.

[giantpurplepeopleeater]

Hadababygirl..... I can see your point, really I can.

But on serious reflection, I do not think attachment/ abandonment is something I need to worry about.

In fact, I would worry more about leaving him with my Ex.

[giantpurplepeopleeater]

Ex was asked if he would look after DS for this week, or at least part of it.

He did not want to.

I did not tell him why, I merely asked. He does not need to know what I am doing, and does not check in with me about what he is doing when he does not have DS. He has in the past had leave/ changed our arrangements for DS so he could do something for himself, like go away.

I care not. What he does with his time is his business.

I did try to arrange for this to be an opportunity for DS to develop his relationship with his dad. He did not wish to.

[AnnabelleLee]

Then he has no right to an opinion much the same as everyone else here

[giantpurplepeopleeater]

I've thought hard about the comments I have received here.

Some were painful to read - because of my own thin skin and existing guilt about this situation.

I love DS, and love spending time with him, and want to do right by him. What parent doesn't?

I do worry/ feel guilty, that DS might miss me.

But on balance, I am also very clear that as an adult, I need time away from children, I need to devote time to my relationship, and both DS and I need to be people independent of one another.

I've thought it all through, and decided I am going to go.

Thank you all.

[giantpurplepeopleeater]

Thanks AnabelleLee!

I've no resentment towards him anymore, but yes, he is a fuckwit.

I think his comments just tugged at an already underlying guilt I was having!!

[AnnabelleLee]

don't listen to it, you know the reality. Your son will have a great time with people who love him, and so will you ;) It's a win win win win situation!

[middleagedspread]

Have a lovely time.
I left my DS with his GP when he was 3. I felt wobbly on the plane, talked about him endlessly for the 1st day then we got on with the business of having a child free holiday.
We rang regularly but he often was too busy to speak to us.
Your DP & you can cement your relationship & you'll come back happy & refreshed and ready to carry on being a caring, loving mummy.

[Pinupgirl]

I wouldn't do it. I had girls holiday before I had dcs-is'nt that what you do? I wouldn't leave my dcs behind so I live it up with my boyf. But I do understand others have no qualms doing so.

Nights/weekends away are good for parents-a weeks holiday to me is family time though.

[Mumsyblouse]

Its perfectly possible to spend time with grandparents and other family matters with no element of childcare being built in. -why is this the ideal? Many grandparents are love to childcare for their own grandchildren, it used to be very much the norm and still is in many cultures for grandparent care to be common (even suggested that the menopause occurs for this reason to leave youngish but non-fertile females around to care for young).

It's very sad that having grandparents do childcare is seen as a negative thing, of course there can be downsides to the relationship but my parents would be very sad if we didn't ever let our children go and stay with them alone, or ever let them do any childcare. Not everyone is the same, but I cannot understand the mentality that grandparents who want to care (and in this case have lived with the child for 6 months) 'shouldn't' in case it denotes any kind of dependence or obligation. I hope my children let my grandchildren (if I'm lucky to have any) come and stay with me for their holidays, I can't wait!

[Jammy321]

Enjoy yourself! Go on holidays, don't worry about your little boy and just enjoy the week's lie ins, nights out and some time out. When I was 11 months and my sister 2.5 years old, my parents left us for four weeks to go travelling in America. I'm now 33 and have no resentment to them at all, gee I didn't even remember it. You work, you look after your little boy and are lucky that your parents can look after you little boy, I say make the most of it!! God, I would!