To wonder what is wrong with talking to your child?

[SpanielFace]

Genuine question... Please don't flame me!

I've seen several threads on here criticising parents who talk loudly to their children in public, sing to them, encourage them to answer questions, and so on. "What colour is that flower? What noise does the cat make?" etc. Apparently this is called loud parenting, or performance parenting, or just plain pushiness.

DS is only 10 months, but I chat to him loads. Not loudly, not constantly (he has plenty of time playing by himself while I potter around doing things) - but I do tend to tell him what I'm doing, I point things out to him in the buggy, we read books, we sing action songs.

My understanding (from HV, Surestart centres etc) was that talking to and encouraging your baby was a Good Thing. In fact, I received a bookstart pack today with a free story book, and a leaflet of suggested activities ("Talk about what colours you can see in the book. Can you see any of these colours in your home? Can you make a noise like an owl?")

So who is right? Where is the line between interactive parenting and stimulating your baby, and pushy parenting? And am I one of these annoying "loud parent" types I keep reading about?

[MmeLindor]

Those who are all offended and huffy. Go back and read the third and fourth comment on this thread.

That is what we are talking about. Not normal chatting to your DC, no matter what you are talking about.

I chat to my kids in several languages and ask them INCREDIBLY poncy questions but I do so to engage them. Not to show off to others.

And I use my indoor voice.

[xylem8]

But unless you know the parent and child, how can you know what makes them tick?
What might seem like showing off to you , might be a topic of burning interest to parent and/or child.

[EmmelineGoulden]

So how do you know that that's what these parents are trying to do?

Some people just live different lives. If I heard someone saying the things in the third and fourth comments (and I haven't heard anything quite like that) I'd be more likely to assume it was a very bored mother trying to not to go mad during the baby years.

[MmeLindor]

I would say the difference is that an involved and engaged parent who is talking about poncy things has eye contact with their child.

A loud parenting practitioner is speaking not for the benefit of her child, but for anyone in the area. She will be looking around for approval of what a good parent she is.

It is not all middle-class nonsense. I saw a couple of women at the bank recently doing this with a little baby. You would have thought they had the Messiah in the buggy, for all the fuss they were making.

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

I agree with the fourth comment.

Emmeline

I do agree that sometimes inane chatter was a slightly hysterical ( in my case, anyway) attempt to head off a tantrum.

[cathpip]

I was hated for loud parenting with my ds, but he has a hearing loss so I needed to speak loudly, he also has always had age appropriate language and understanding because I spoke loudly and about everything!:) (I did and do try to keep the noise down in crowded places though, not everyone wishes to hear!)

[YouTheCat]

It is simple.

Talking TO a child is normal (whether that child can answer or not).

Talking AT a child and looking around for validation from the adoring masses is Performance Parenting.

[Shoesme84]

I tried showing off once.

Me: Sweety, what noise does a snake make?

2 year old Son: Mooooooo.

Never again.

[MmeLindor]

Shoes
I did that once. Said loudly to DS, when he brought me a painting, 'Oh, that is a wonderful painting. Is a sombrero?'

DS, 'No, it is your booby'.

My friend was rolling on the floor.

[SarahAndFuck]

DS is usually very good on trains, although we've never made a particularly long journey on one.

We chat quietly about what we can see from the window and occasionally DS will call out "Look! Pig Racing!", which always seems to gather some interest from the other passengers, whenever we pass a field of hay bales.

Turns out there was some confusion on a trip out with my parents, where they passed a field of hay bales with a sign advertising pig racing. My dad read the sign and DS now thinks that hay bales and racing pigs go hand in hand.

It's become something of a game now, to see who can say 'pig racing' first when a hay bale comes into view.

This adds nothing to the thread.

[exoticfruits]

We have over 130 posts and other threads about it and people still persist in not understanding it! I am middle class, I talk to my children in a very middle class way, that is not PP.
Iamnotamindreader and MmeLindor explain it.

I can only assume that some of you are happy to be addressed as if you are a public meeting with no chance to interact if you think this is normal conversation.

[LieInsAreRarerThanTigers]

I just talk to myself. Increasingly. The kids never listen.

[MrsGSR]

This thread reminds me of my aunt, who pointed out the window of a bus and very loudly said "look at the moo moo cows!"and then realised she was alone and the kids were at preschool...

I read an article stating that you should speak 30000 words a day to your child, but I think it would be to hard to count every word each day!

[YouTheCat]

Exotic, I don't think we're typing loud enough.

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

exotic


Yes, I am middle class and have disncussions with mone that might mark me out to some as a bit of a tosser, but PP exists!

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

You get the gist!

[EmmelineGoulden]

So it's the auditory equivalent of putting your baby in a pretty if somewhat impractical dress and then picking her up lots so people will notice what good taste you have?

[exoticfruits]

Of course PP exists! I have dozens of posts saying so! People will persist in not understanding it!

[IAmNotAMindReader]

Yup EmmelineGoulden sounds pretty close to that.

[EmmelineGoulden]

Not sure how you know why they're picking up the child (or talking "at" their child).

I'm not saying no parent ever does things to try and get approval from others. In fact almost all of us do lots of things that are about satisfying social pressure. But the examples people come out with on PP sound like they are projecting motives on the parents who are struggling. You can't know the parents' motivation.

[zoraqueenofzeep]

I've only noticed it once when a lady treated the entire restaurant to a very loud story with all the special voices and noises. Her kids were mortified and hid under the table until she shut up She was well meaning though, I don't think she realised how loud she was and her kids were very well behaved once the book was out of the way, probably for fear she'd open it again (maybe a method to her madness?).

I think some people spend so much time with their children and not enough with other adults that it becomes normal for them to loudly sing, have loud conversations (cause at home they'd be running all over the place?) and generally behave as they would in their own sitting room. I find it hard to believe that anyone is actually trying to impress other people rather than talking for the sake of it because they're compulsive talkers with no adult to talk to so they find themselves boring their poor children to death because they can.

[exoticfruits]

You don't get it once the child is school age because the child responds and it never plays the mother's particular game.

I will give up - I have put it all ways that I can and people still don't get the difference! There is such a thing and it is very funny when you hear it!

[TheMagicKeyCanFuckOff]

DS (5) performance parents me

'Look mummy, a sailing boat in the sea!' 'yes, I know, it floats mummy, that's because it's a dinghy - do you know what a dinghy is, mummy? It's a cruising dinghy, a dinghy is a small boat, and sailing dinghies are ones with trims and sails and foils- centreboards or daggerboards, or rudders. Do you know want that name is? Yes - a Wayfarer. Well done Mummy.'

All in a patronising voice, he doesn't even wait for answers and I don't really talk much, he just gabbles, and looks about to see if people are noticing him. He gets very detailed especially with an expert there- it's scary how patronising and performance parentish he gets about planes when we're near my friend's husband, who's a pilot.

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

Exptic

You know I was agreeing, don't you?