To not want to meet friends tomorrow for picnic as they'll be drinking?

[ChangeyMcChangeName]

My friends (a couple) have recently gotten over a bad health scare...it was her...the female half. She had a terrible illness which came on suddenly and almost killed her.

She's been out of hospital for two weeks. Her DH suggested my DH and our DC go to see them tomorrow as theres a very nice beauty spot near their flat....we could have a picnic with the DC he said. I agreed...our DC are 5 and 8 and theres are 3 and 1.

Then I got a txt saying "We're going to be having a couple of bottles of wine...so bring a beer or whatever if you want..."

AIBU to get a bit judgey? She's still recovering...I mean she was in a MESS....she was at deaths door. We're going to meet them on the train as we have no car atm...so drinking isn't really a good idea...and we;ll all have the DC with us.

Am I a big misery guts? It's just put me off a bit. We're not drinkers really so I said no we wouldn't be drinking.

[pigletmania]

Op yabvvvvu u, that's her decision to make. Mabey the scare has made her realise that life is too short and she wants to enjoy herself, what's the harm in that!

[Sallystyle]

I get you are worried but there is nothing you can do except have a quiet word with her if you think that might help.

I too think it is stupid to drink so soon after having organ failure when she has been told not to drink. However, I am not a drinker and don't understand all the fuss about it so that might cloud my opinion on it a bit.

I think you are just coming across as a worried friend and I would be worried too.

[Mintyy]

Op, I totally get what you are saying. I also find it tiresome that alcohol seemingly has to be a part of every social event and it wouldn't appeal to me to drink at a picnic on a hot sunny day when I had young children to look after (and I say that as someone who generally drinks too much). And also I fully understand your concern and impatience with your friend. But you can't cancel now, its too late. Just go and have a good time alcohol-free. Maybe you will lead by example, who knows?

[Sallystyle]

Well, Piglet, there might be harm in it considering she has been told she should not be drinking.

Without knowing exactly what happened it is hard to say but I think drinking after being told not to after having organ failure might actually be harmful.

I doubt the OP would care if it wasn't.

[pigletmania]

Just read the extra stuff yes she is still foolish, and I would casually mention to her whether she should be drinking. But I guess it's up to her

[HotCrossPun]

OP, I think it's telling that you used the term 'judgey' in your original post.

I've tried imagine how I would have reacted in your situation. If my friend was recovering from a serious illness that involved her liver and said she was drinking, I would have text her back and asked whether the Doc had said drinking was okay.

She wouldn't be doing something that she knows is going to damage her health, especially after what she has just been through, so the chances are she has been told that moderate drinking is okay.

Showing your distain by not showing up, judging your friend, and then posting on a forum about her choices isn't being a good mate IMO.

If you are so concerned (which is understandable) just pick up the phone and talk to her.

[MrRected]

Perhaps she intends on having one glass and that the rest of you would like to join in. To celebrate and relax.

You shouldn't judge. End.

[MrsEricBana]

At the end of the day it's up to her but as someone who now doesn't drink much (due to a health issue) I have been put off meeting a particular couple where every gathering seems to be about drinking as much as is physically possible and encouraging others to do so too, especially at day time events where the children are milling around. I think yanbu to be disappointed that a daytime family picnic out has loads of wine on the agenda but yabu re her and her health in that it's up to her really. There are many many people all around us damaging their health voluntarily every day through drinking, smoking, overeating etc and what can you do.

[Moxiegirl]

Are you going to feel the same if she eats a few pork pies? After all she's been told to avoid fatty foods.

[Mumsyblouse]

She wouldn't be doing something that she knows is going to damage her health, especially after what she has just been through, so the chances are she has been told that moderate drinking is okay.

Unfortunately people do continue to drink when it's harming their health, smoke when they have got emphysema and eat a crap diet when they've got diabetes. They also smoke cannabis knowing they have MH problems. It is hard to watch and sometimes you can't help saying something if it is someone very close to you, but it is their choice. But that doesn't mean you can't be uncomfortable with it or even avoid being around them when they are doing it. I shout at my husband every now and again for eating utter crap when having Type 2 diabetes, of course it doesn't help, but sometimes watching someone doing something quite destructive is emotionally too much and your inner judge escapes.

[Mumsyblouse]

And- in response to the pork pies, yes, I would tell my husband to lay off the pork pies, they are exactly what he shouldn't eat, what with being obese and having diabetes. He can then choose to ignore me as he usually does. You can't always be supportive and non-judgemental when you care about people (well, you can try but you may well fail).

[imademarion]

agentzigzag, I did read the replies on here as remarkably defensive. I see the results of our nation's drinking all too often

I think enjoying a glass of something cold to enhance a sunny picnic is perfectly reasonable.

But this lady is fresh out of hospital, is planning to bring a bottle of wine EACH for her and her DP and is asking the OP to bring more booze.

So I'm judging the drink to be a pretty focal point of this outing.

I think a bottle of wine per adult, at a picnic where children are present, is inappropriate.

But then I'm sure my mates think I'm inappropriately fixated on having nice food at picnics, so each to their own vice.

[FriendlyLadybird]

Taking the illness out of the equation, a couple of bottles of wine between four adults is not a huge amount. There would be no need to go all Puritan over drinking that amount and still being in charge of children.

Even considering her illness, there's a world of difference between a sociable text, saying 'We'll be having a couple of bottles of wine' i.e. if you want to drink yourself, feel free; bring beer if you don't like wine; no need to pretend we're still hanging round someone on life support and actually drinking themselves into oblivion. Just saying you're going to bring 'a' bottle to a picnic sounds awfully mean, actually.

Don't drink if you don't want to. Don't go if you don't want to, especially if you think you'll be sitting there counting the units that your friend drinks.

[Themobstersknife]

I suspect your friends may still be in shock. Cut them some slack. They have been through a life changing event and just want to relax and enjoy the very rare sunshine. Nothing in what they have said suggests she is going to drink a shed load of wine. They probably want to pour everyone a glass to toast her feeling well again, and are looking to celebrate with their friends who have supported them. But really, whatever their plan is, I can understand why you would be worried, but it is not up to you to judge, as you have no idea how they are both feeling.

I have been very poorly and could have died. I still suffer from anxiety. I often drink alcohol, rarely too much, and whilst I would expect my friends and family might worry, I definitely would not expect them to 'have a quiet word'. I am a grown up and make my own decisions. My situation is different, as I have not been advised not to drink but still... She has had a tough time, probably not thinking rationally and what she does now, two weeks on, is not indicative of how she might live her life. It is very early days. I think she would be devestated if she knew you were 'disappointed' in her. She doesn't really need that. If there is a chance she might read this thread and recognise herself, I would get it deleted.

[sweetestcup]

No idea what this persons diagnosis is or illness was so cant comment whether drinking is appropriate or not, but just loving all the really judgey comments in general about adults having the nerve to even drink alcohol on a picnic when children are present, as if that makes them better parents then someone who has some wine.

[Kiriwawa]

You seem a very unlikely friend for someone who is/was a hard drinking/hard smoking sybarite I must say

[Bogeyface]

Her DH suggested the picnic, who texted about the wine? It could be that none of this is the friends idea and it her DH talking about the wine and suggesting they bring beers if they want to.

[YouTheCat]

Good point. It could be that the dh doesn't want to be drinking on his own?

[Mumsyblouse]

Alcohol affects your cognitive (and other) abilities- that's what makes it fun. How weird that if you posted that you were leaving your 1 and 3 year old with a 15 year old from down the road, everyone would call you irresponsible as they don't have the maturity/abilities to deal with a crisis, but would think it fine for everyone to get really quite drunk, with impaired cognitive abilities in a crisis, by drinking wine. So, to some extent, knowing you need to have someone (only needs to be one person) looking after toddlers who is cognitively functioning at a pretty high level IS a mark of good parenting in most people's books.

Some of my skepticism is coming from the fact that people keep going on about having just 'one glass of wine'. In my experience, people who love afternoon drinking don't drink one glass of wine at all. I don't know anyone who drinks like this, they all neck it for hours all afternoon and into the evening or don't drink at all.

[Mumsyblouse]

But I wouldn't sweat this situation over a text message which could be interpreted in many different ways and which may not correspond to what actually happens. I would go and have fun with your friend.

[specialsubject]

join in, just bring what you want to drink. If they get boring (as most people do if they drink too much) tell them they are boringly drunk and leave.

but if it is just a sociable tipple and doesn't make them no fun, why not? Doesn't sound like anyone is driving.

[HeffalumpTheFlump]

I can see where the op is coming from. Seeing your friend nearly die must have been extremely traumatising for you and so to see her taking risks with her health must be really scary. I can therefore understand your reaction. However, if you are unwilling to talk to her about it, you need to step back and allow her to make her own choices regarding her health.

I can see why other posters have taken your comments as nasty, but I don't know anyone who could see a loved one nearly die and then not feel angry if they saw them possibly putting themselves back in that position. I personally would be fuming, but would talk to them about it in terms of 'you are scaring the shit out of me with what you are doing'.

You obviously care about your friend and that is not a bad thing, but I think you may be going about this the wrong way.

[hermioneweasley]

I understand why it seems strange. I would be wondering too - alcohol is hardly going to help someone who has been so ill. But I don't think you can say anything, just go and enjoy yourself and let her take responsibility for her choices.

[oreocookiez]

We are off to a BBQ this afternoon, my friends at their house, lots of people coming with small children. Its an alcohol free zone, our freinds drink (we have had many a night out drunk) but NEVER round their kids which suits me just fine and the others that are coming. She often has parties and BBQ's and if kids are there we know the score. We have a great laugh and I have never heard anyone complain about no drinking.....not everyone thinks its MUST to drink ...... there are some sad people on this site giving you a hard time. If she wants to kill her self and drink let her get on with it. Keep your self and your kids away from her stupidity. ignore the I NEED a drink brigade on her and move up on the judement bench so I can sit next to you...... lemonade anyone??

[Bogeyface]

Oreocookiez

You know, with a bit of effort you could have fitted a bit more sanctimony into that post!

So now the friend is stupid and the OP's children must be protected from her? Wow. Just, wow.