To be quite worried about my daughter's extreme shyness?

[21stCenturyDropout]

I am getting increasingly worried and frustrated about my 5 year old Dd. She is a lovely child, really creative and funny and doesn't stop chatting when she is around her close family.
However, she started school in September and has found it hard to be part of group activities or anything that involves speaking or being centre of attention. So far we have had to watch her struggle through school activities like the nativity play and sports day. She couldn't even look up during her nativity play. Every parents evening her teacher says she is doing fine. Not the most outgoing child, but quietly confident doing her own thing, which is encouraging. But she can't bring herself to speak to adults who try to engage with her, and takes a very long time to warm up in social situations. Her birthday party was really awful as she couldn't even bring herself to sit at the table with the other children. I felt so embarrassed and ashamed that my child is so lacking in confidence.

My husband and I were both shy as kids, and still find some social situations a strain. I understand that some people are introverts and that it can be a real strength in life to be more sensitive. But I am so worried for her future. I don't want her to go through life missing out and feeling socially crippled.

What can I do to help her? I am so desperate to help her through this.

I can't see why being the extrovert is so superior.

I can't either sorry to quote exotic but i couldnt find the words but being social and loud and all the rest of it is not the only way to be, being introverted is just a personality trait and there is nothing wrong with it,

I'm a bit worried about the message which is coming across about assessment and treatment of Selective Mutism.

There is no reason why a child should feel put under the spotlight or under more pressure simply because they are being assessed.

Professionals can observe children in the classroom without them being aware that they are the focus of the exercise and strategies to support their communication can be used by familiar staff during everyday activities and while working as a whole class or in small groups. The strategies are more about how other people respond to the child than getting the child to change what they are doing.

I don't want parents whose children may have SM to feel that by asking for assessment or support for their child they will be automatically putting their child in a more stressful situation or making the problem worse for them.

"Do you remember when autism was extremely rare? Websites then said that it was 1 in 1000"

Can I just say, it used to be one in 10,000 to one in 5,000.

I had enough problems talking to teachers about my children and saying that given time and experience they would gain confidence and it wasn't something you can force. I am very thankful that I didn't have them suggesting they were assessed or that people needed strategies to deal with them. They are and were perfectly normal- it wasn't a disability. At 5yrs old they are not long from babyhood and having to cope with a long day, unfamiliar people and different routines- who can blame them for not immediately taking to it and be able to chat all, read in front of others, run with an audience?
Any hint of people discussing me as a problem or that they had 'strategies' to deal with me would have magnified the problem. I remember once I was talking freely with a group and my friend butted in, the teacher immediately asked the friend to let me finish( this wasn't in class it was just informal) I at once realised that she was treating me differently and encouraging me and that was it- dried up completely. Had she let the friend continue as normal conversation I would have slotted back in.
I can't say we have any extroverts in our extended family- it therefore is hardly surprising that my DCs don't want to be centre stage.
I think it was Andy Warhol who said 'everyone wants their 5mins of fame' and I want to shout 'NO THEY DON'T. Some want to blend in the background- and why not?

Exotic, I totally agree with your post and everything in it, every word. We should as parents listen to our children and try to understand - if they're shy, they're shy. They're allowed to be shy all their lives. Our job as parents is to help them be confident about themselves, happy about themselves, able to be content. That is rarely achieved by pushing them and forcing them to be something they are not, just because we're embarrassed in front of other mums. Never be ashamed of a shy child. They are shy, and they are allowed to be.

And by confident I don't mean socially confident there. I mean confident and happy in themselves, in the decisions and choices they make.

Other than one post by one poster early on, who is suggesting pushing any child whether they are shy or SM? The 'strategies' used are low key and designed to reduce anxiety and in any case (excuse the capitalisation here but I feel like some people are just not getting it) YOU WOULDN'T USE THEM IN AN ORDINARY SHY CHILD, ONLY ONE WHERE THE SHYNESS HAS BECOME SEVERE SOCIAL ANXIETY AND THE CHILD IS SO MASSIVELY ANXIOUS IN CERTAIN SITUATIONS THAT THEY ARE RENDERED LITERALLY SPEECHLESS. Let me put this loud and clear - I am not talking about the OP's child here, I am talking as a general principle - no-one has said that being introverted is bad. However there is a difference between not being a party person or a confident public speaker, but to have close friends and be perfectly functional, and being so massively socially anxious that you cannot go into a shop and ask for a can of coke, or make appointments on the phone, or visit your gp and talk to them about your health, or manage to speak at all in a job interview. We are talking at complete cross purposes here and I don't know how to make you understand that IF your child is selectively mute, then getting some assessment and support is a GOOD IDEA. It will not turn them into an extrovert. But it MIGHT mean that they are able to function as an introvert in society - and as you say, THAT IS FINE.

Goldmantra - thankyou. That is also my concern. Parents who may well have children who need help are being told that seeking help might be damaging, and that worries me.

My son was like this in reception and by year 3 he had made massive leaps. Now in year 6 he is VERY confident about speaking out yet is very aware of the rules about speaking in groups.

Would just to add that SM isn't as rare as you think. According to research SM affects 1 in 1000 referred for mental health assessment. It often goes undiagnosed or is misdiagnosed according to research.

Maybe undiagnosed because of the stigma some attach to 'labels'. 'Label' isn't a dirty word and often a diagnosis brings much needed help and support and early intervention often brings much better outcomes for the child.

Professionals don't hand out 'labels' like smarties.

Ilikemysleep- I appreciate your points but SM is rare - shyness is common.
If OP's DD is able to access the curriculum then I can't see a need other than to relax and encourage.
As a supply teacher I have taught many 5yr olds- often going in without ever having met them before. I do what the teacher does. I hear them read. They have all read on a one to one basis and many have been shy. They won't all speak if you are talking to the whole class but they listen to instructions, do the work, will answer my questions if asked on a one to one- maybe just with one word- but they will reply, they will play alongside others.
There were three exceptions - the 2selective mutes and one other who I would say was bordering on it and possibly worth assessing. Maybe there were others that you could say were mild cases, but they were accessing the curriculum and seeing as the answer seems to be not to put on pressure and to build confidence I can't see the point in giving it a name if it is mild and it doesn't need more. The one that I mentioned that was mild was the class rep by year 6 and reporting back to class on meetings- not in the most gregarious way- but he did it.
It is easy for others not to understand. Even in 6th form DS1's form tutor said that she didn't know how he would cope at university- I said that he would be absolutely fine- I knew he would. She mistook it-he had never been shy- he was reserved. He travels the world in his job now and meets all sorts.
DS2 was the shyest- he couldn't do sleepovers- the yr6 residential was a huge source of anxiety but he did it. He is the most outgoing of them all now.
DS3 was very outgoing at 5yrs - he became introverted at around 14 yrs.

They are all different. I think it was 'child of our time' where they did experiments with the babies with strange noises- some were curious and some cried. Some DCs are just naturally confident. I'm sure that we all know the sort of 5yr old who can talk in a dramatic and interesting way in front of 20 or so other children. They didn't learn it- it just comes naturally.

Know your DC is the first step. ilikemysleep obviously knew hers and did the best thing for him- she doesn't know me and it would have been the worst thing for me. None of us know OPs DC so only she can tell. But based on the fact the teacher isn't concerned, shyness is common and she and her DH were shy children I would say that she is merely shy and unless she really can't access the curriculum and play with other children I would just give her space and time.

Re assess later if necessary.

Exotic, as I pointed out earlier its not as rare as you think and parents are often told by professionals, ie teachers who are neither trained or experts in SM or any other conditions that their children are 'fine' or 'just shy'.

I totally agree the OP knows her child best and if she has any real concerns she can speak to her GP. However I also totally agree with Ilikemysleep for raising awareness of SM and providing info for the OP to read. I don't see any harm in that whatsoever.

I would also point out that non communication, reduced social and emotional skills ARE barriers to accessing the curriculum, not just academics

Raising awareness is fine, reading about it is fine- there is no harm in it at all. There is real harm in treating a normal human condition as a disability.

Unless the SM is severe enough to stop children accessing the curriculum or having friends and unless it stops adults holding a job and doing normal things like the shopping I can't see why you need the label and why you can't just relax and enjoy life - confidence comes for relaxed parents- not ones full of anxiety who are looking for underlying problems that don't exist.
It would have made my shyness much, much worse as a child and I really don't think I am alone in this.

I have only known 3children out of thousands whose shyness stopped them accessing the curriculum. More commonly shy children are at the top end and do well- for a start they escape into books- I did.

I can't see what is so wrong about being shy!

Exotic, Im sure if your parents had REAL concerns about you when you were younger, they would have spoken to your GP and got a second opinion as any parent would. So I assume your parents didn't have any real concerns and you were just shy. However we are talking about parents who do have REAL concerns about their children and what they can do about it.

OP, I was in your shoes.

My dd would attend parties and spend all of it crying on my lap. She never wanted to leave and always looked forward to going to the next party.

Every sports day she would spend in tears, trembling, almost being physically sick.

She would cry whenever she was handed to anyone but me and dh as a baby.

As a toddler she would stick to my side like glue and never wanted to go to nursery.

She would cry every morning before school, but would be fine when she was there.

She'd cry if a stranger (child) sat next to her on a bus or a ride at a funfair.

She'd cry if it was too noisy or crowded anywhere.

I bought every book on the subject.

I took her to the gp and asked could she be referred to a psychologist. He said let's wait and see.

In year 5, she wanted to try a drama group. She went and loved it. She felt able to express herself in a safe environment. Since then she has gone from strength to strength and now at nearly 13 is a confident, beautiful, funny, friendly girl who stands on stage and takes part in plays. She is in top sets and loves school. She has a close circle of friends whom she loves to go shopping with. She still hates crowds and noisy venues, so concerts are still not something she enjoys so we don't go.

It sounds as though your daughter is sensitive and a deep thinker. I thoroughly recommend the books "What to do when you worry too much" and "The Highly Sensitive Child".

Sometimes, the world is overwhelming for these children and they need a quiet environment to thrive.

She'll get there.

This is the online quiz for highly sensitive children. There's one for adults too.

Celia has recommended two lovely books which are well worth a look.

Those who say extroversion is over-rated have a point, and it's positive that she is happy and chatty at home. What you describe is the far end of the shyness spectrum, and the fact it's making you feel embarrassed and upset suggests you're really worried that it may not settle.

At the same time, it's ok to have a child who is different, and it's ok to plan life around the difficulties. Not entirely, they learn by being challenged, but miss out the certain-disasters which distress them. So 3 friends to cinema & pizza rather than class party. Ask for her to be in charge of costumes for the next school play, rather than on stage. Etc.

Ilike is right in saying selective mutism doesn't have to mean she is silent in school (the clue is in the name: selective mutism) and it can be less problematic when tackled effectively and early. My eldest has adhd and asd so he had the opposite problem (talking nonsense all day long). It took 4 long years to gradually, carefully teach him to stop. I dread to think what would've happened if we'd agreed just to wait and see.

From the OP:

has found it hard to be part of..... anything that involves speaking...

she can't bring herself to speak to adults who try to engage with her

she couldn't even bring herself to sit at the table with the other children.

I don't want her to go through life missing out and feeling socially crippled.

This post isn't about being shy. As the title says, it is about extreme shyness.

The OP is concerned about the impact her DD's difficulties are having on her ability to life an everyday life.

As detailed as the description is, it isn't possible to tell what impact this child's difficulties are really having on her well-being. The child may be happy but she may also be very frustrated.

Lots of really god advice and reassurance has been offered on this thread and I'm sure it has been taken on board.

If the OP begins to feel that her DD has communication difficulties which can't be managed simply by letting her blend into the background and take her time to develop in her own way, she should have confidence that there are professionals out there who can help.

Professionals working with children who have anxiety-based disorders don't tend to go blundering in and make the problem 100 times worse by singling the child out and making them feel inadequate. It would be wrong to allow parents who are considering asking for support to believe that they do, as it may prevent children getting support they really need.

Labelling a child as shy when they have SM is no better than labelling them with a disorder they don't have. There are people better qualified than teachers to make these judgements and they generally don't dole out diagnoses without very good reasons.

OP, I was the same when I was about your DD's age. I was so bad that I was sent to a psychologist. I don't remember this but my mum says I refused to speak to him so that was a waste of time! But I can remember the horrible embarrassment of being singled out for attention (at any time) and the desire to hide away from it all.
My parents were very sensible and let me develop social skills at my own pace. Once I had worked out that not everyone in the world was out to get me I began to come out of my shell a bit. I hope the same goes for your DD.

DD is selectively mute. If you are concerned that your DD may be, OP, I must say the assessment process didn't cause her any stress or make her feel the centre of attention or anything like that.

It's been a great help to have the label, for us, because her teachers thought she was terribly behind, where the assessment showed she is actually ahead. Our parents evening / reports certainly didn't say everything was fine though!

I thought I would write because some people seemed to be talking as if it would put the spotlight on your DD to go see someone about it, but it really isn't like that at all. It's all very unobtrusive and undemanding.
She may be just shy of course! Good luck anyway!