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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have uprooted this playgroups usual, normal habits? Was this woman BU?

65 replies

OHforDUCKScake · 02/07/2013 16:09

Theres a very popular play group in my small town, the waiting list is a year long. A few weeks ago I got the call to say a space had come up for my child.
I thanked her an asked if there was much food there, because if there is then we wouldnt be able to come but its not a problem. (Genuinely).

My son is anaphylactic to several foods.

The lady has been lovely, said they only give out milk free biscuits and dont serve milke to the children and she will talk to the other parents and see if they mind asking their children to stop bringing food in because and allergic child is starting.

My stomach is churning in memory of this conversation.

I very much appreciate her help and support in integrating my son, but was worried it would go down like a lead ballon with the other parents.

The lady told me that most were more than happy. But there were one or two. One had a 2 year old who walked round with a bottle in the side of her mouth and it got dropped and kicked around a lot.

Anyway, today was a taster to see how it went in preperation for it starting in september as it ends soon.

The lady had sent rounf a letter to the parents too. This also made me feel uncomfortable but the lady had gone out of her way to help me so I didnt feel as though I could look a gift horse in the mouth and not go. Plus, it would mean a lot to my son.

We got there and everyone was lovely, so welcoming.

Then I went into the garden and spotted someone I recognised. After a few minutes a woman next to me had a child (who I was later told was 3yo in case that makes a difference) from which she yanked a bag of crisps from. The child started screeching, the mothers reply was this

"NO! WE cant have food here any more, APPARENTLY. NO I told you, we are never allowed food here again! Oh for God sake, we are going to have to leave, come on! We have to go, we cant come back here again, this is never going to work. She hasnt had food since 6am. She's hungry and she isnt allowed to eat!"

This wonderful speach was shouted for effect.

I was already nervous about the reception so probably being over sensitive but I was so damn embarassed I burst in to tears. Not that I let her bloody see it.

The thing is, next week is the last week and her child doesnt come back in September. (The children go until the term after they are 3)
So what was her outburts for? What was the need? Even if she thought IWABU couldnt she just bite her tongue and hate me for 2 hours in her whole life?

The lady with the 2 year old also let her child continue to let her toddler walk around with the bottle, these two are friends.

Theres a baby section where babies are bottle fed, we simple avoid that area.

Please can I ask, if you feel like it would erk you or you think the shouty woman had a point, can you elaborate on it? Because I dont understand her rudeness.

OP posts:

shewhowines · 02/07/2013 17:08

It is a good medical reason. Every effort should be made to accommodate such children. Most people at the group will realise that and will judge her, not you. YANBU. It might be worth letting people know that you appreciate their changes though, in a low key way

The only time I think a parent in your situation would BU, is if the parent went in demanding loudly that everybody had to change their ways to accommodate them. Most people wouldn't mind if they are asked nicely or informed by leaders, but many would be upset if the approach is aggressive. Not saying that you did that op.

WilsonFrickett · 02/07/2013 17:14

Ignore, ignore, ignore.

But honestly - said with kindness - you are going to have to toughen up about this. There is always one parent who will make a fuss about little Johnny's right to drink milk where and when he likes. You need to get a rhino hide and work out a way to deal with people like that.

formicadinosaur · 02/07/2013 17:29

Your play group leader is right on her approach. Ignore the other woman. Maybe highlight todler walking round as hazard.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 02/07/2013 17:33

She sounds like a total cow.

Please don't stop going because of her.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 02/07/2013 17:35

I would also explain to woman whose toddler walks around with bottle just how dangerous milk is to your child or get leader to do it.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 02/07/2013 17:36

I would also explain to woman whose toddler walks around with bottle just how dangerous milk is to your child or get leader to do it.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 02/07/2013 17:36

Oops..I really would

CheepyChirp · 02/07/2013 17:42

Just because she was cross and shouty, it may not have been about you. She may be perfectly understanding about the no snacks rule but cross that her child has refused breakfast and is now hungry and whiny despite being told that there would be no snacks at playgroup.

and this post is no way inspired by the fact that I snapped at my 4-year-old earlier for whining that he wanted dinner when he had refused all his lunch, barring a handful of strawberries

WipsGlitter · 02/07/2013 17:43

It's a parent and toddler group. I'm surprised you 'got' a place as most are drop in. I assume its not five days a week?

cocolepew · 02/07/2013 17:46

She was a twat. Don't take it to heart.

Original poster

OHforDUCKScake · 02/07/2013 18:31

cheepy she made it abundantly clear that it was about us.

Wisps its a very small town, few groups and this one is a very good one. Many rooms, many things to do, very impressive I can see why so many people want to start.

Thanks for replies. I agree I need to toughen up.

OP posts:

Plomino · 02/07/2013 18:36

There's always one . On the bright side , there's nothing like a bit of ostentatious shouting for making someone look like a complete prick .

You'll be fine . She on the other hand sounds like she's always going to be a pain in the ass.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 02/07/2013 18:39

You can virtually guarantee that if her child had an issue she would expect everyone to accomodate it.

If she can't organise herself to feed her child at an appropriate time then that's her problem.

TeWiSavesTheDay · 02/07/2013 18:39

I bet loads of the other parents there thought they were massive twats for ignoring the perfectly sensible rules.

Please don't worry - it will be better in September when it's a fresh start for everyone.

monicalewinski · 02/07/2013 19:02

It is annoying having to take into account other people's allergies when you/your kids don't have any, BUT there is no need to react like that woman did; most people (even if initially a bit irritated) will get over it in about 2 seconds and move on.
You'll never see that other woman again though so try and put her out of your mind, she's definitely not worth your tears.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 02/07/2013 19:10

It's a bit more annoying if your child has an anaphylaxtic reaction

5madthings · 02/07/2013 19:18

See I don't find it annoying, I just think it common sense and am grateful that my children don't have allergies (I do have allergies) and making allowances for a couple of hours once a week really is not a problem.

The child could gave milk if they sat in a specific area the op said, just not wander around with food/milk. Which most toddler groups don't let you do anyway.

LesAnimaux · 02/07/2013 19:24

Well, the other mother was a rude cow.

I would phone the leader and say you really enjoyed the session, and you will definitely be back in September, but something has come up and you won;t be able to make it next week.....and therefore avoid vile cow shouty mum.

cakebar · 02/07/2013 19:45

YANBU, they were. Don't feel arkward, the 2 toddler groups I go to ask you not to take in your own food, one because of allergies, one because it can cause other children to play up. It is quite normal and no one minds.

cansu · 02/07/2013 19:58

The other mum was very unreasonable to shout and react in this way. I was however wondering which foods your ds is allergic to and whether a total food ban is necessary? Does he have to touch the food or is the smell enough to cause a reaction? Could it be worked out so that food is only consumed in a set aside area?

Hissy · 02/07/2013 19:58

Why don't you tell the group what your child CAN eat? Put a more positive side on it, so they know what isn't an issue?

Otherwise ignore the rude cow.

SolidGoldBrass · 02/07/2013 20:06

She was being rude. However, I do think it might be an idea to make a list of what foods are safe and appropriate for snacktimes: most toddler groups have a snacktime and usually it's fruit/biscuits and it shouldn't be that difficult to accommodate allergies.

WillowKnicks · 02/07/2013 20:16

We went on holiday a couple of years ago & they announced on the plane, there was a child with a peanut allergy & therefore, no nut based snacks would be served during the flight. My DH had a grumble to me that he enjoyed some nuts with his inflight drink blah blah...anyway, he managed to survive the flight without some nuts

As chance would have it, we ended up becoming very friendly with the family of the child with the allergy & they told us how it affects their life on a day to day basis & their absolute terror of her coming into contact with nuts. Suffice to say, DH felt very ashamed & we just felt EXTREMELY grateful that our children weren't affected in such a way...the woman should just thank her lucky stars that the only affliction her DD has, is having a piss poor mother, who doesn't feed her properly & is prone to toddler like tantrums [grins]

YANBU!!!

Original poster

OHforDUCKScake · 02/07/2013 20:17

The problem is, whilst his anaphylaxis is only milk eggs and nuts (-
And raw potato but that tends to be less of an issue!) most people will think quite literally. They wont bring milk eggs or nuts (well not all, that was clear) and not consider all the millions of foods that contain milk eggs and/or nuts.

The person who ran it kept saying that food wasnt actually 'allowed' anyway but they'd got into the habit over time.

solid I did, we had snack time he had his own safe biscuit they had wheat biscuits, they all had a drink and every one was happy.

Except the woman who made her feelings known, she sat out alone with her daughter.

OP posts:

CombineBananaFister · 02/07/2013 20:18

Although i do think she was being a passive aggressive tosser and there was no need to be shouty, i can see how things like this escalate and cause friction.

You have a playgroup that has been run a certain way for a number of years and mums have chosen it because it's good and fits in with their childs needs and now it has to be changed for 1 person.

Any decent human being would acknowledge your Ds' allergy (Not intolerance) and accommodate the change but some may decide it will make the playgroup not right for them anymore if they can't give their kids snacks and they'll resent it.

Obviously having a whingey toddler because they can't have a snack is not on par with an anaphalytic allergy. Does she know that? the difference between intolerance and allergy and what it will do to your Ds? Think it could have been handled without mentioning your Ds and just done as a blanket policy

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