Am I unreasonable to be livid about this?

[Eliza22]

I'm divorced. Ds (ASD/OCD) goes to dad twice a month or, every other weekend. This weekend, he was allowed to sleep in a tent in the garden, by himself, whilst ex husband and partner slept in the house.

I'm so annoyed. Ds is high functioning, more Aspie but, with OCD, has massive anxiety issues. However, SD wanted to do it.

Was that a safe thing to do? He is described in his Statement as being " extremely vulnerable with very poor danger perception".

[pumpkinsweetie]

Yanbu, dad should have camped with him! I wouldn't have been happy at all, and the worst part is, he didn't even bother to consult you in advance saying these were his plans!

[Hissy]

I sit with AF on this. Wtf does your H think he's doing to be 'intolerant' of your son.

FFS, I had my boy at 38, but there is no way i'd be so 'grateful' at someone 'taking us on' as to overlook that level of selfishness!

I have 100% care of my son. If you and your 'DH' need a break, do what the rest of us do; get a baby sitter!

Your Ex is vile and reckless, you DO need to consider your position on overnights, and your H needs to support you, or leave.

Your son has enough to deal with, he needs all the support he can get. What you're teaching him here is that Men have to be pandered to, and that he's an inconvenience.

Your H is lucky to have you and DS in his life, he has a family, thanks to you. Not the other way around!

[Balaboosta]

I'll read as much of your thread as I have time to OP, bloody Nora to you too! Sorry for taking the trouble to comment...
(as you can see I am not in the read-entire-thread camp.)
Having said that, I did miss some stuff and was a bit when I had time to go over it later...

[pigletmania]

Megsmdid you have sn as a child? Maddy I am at your response, I expected different of someone whose Chid has sn. Did should ave camped out with him, not just because he has sn but it's a nice thing for a after and son/daughter to do

[pigletmania]

Doh dad should have camped out with him

[AmberLeaf]

If you and your 'DH' need a break, do what the rest of us do; get a baby sitter!

Not always as easy to do when you have a child with additional needs.

Parents of children with disabilities often can't 'do what the rest of us do' which is something the Dad seems blissfully unaware of to his sons detriment.

[Eliza22]

Baby sitters are something we've never had, ever. If ds doesn't visit his dad, everything I do must be completed by 2.45 in the afternoon (school hours). Taking ds anywhere at the weekends is difficult, involves a lot of preparatory work, for even a half hour "out". In the past 12 years, I've just got used to doing very little.

The ASD is hard enough but the OCD/Tourette's and self harming is the really tough bit.

Ds went to a "friend's" house last week. He went for roughly 50 minutes. Just to play. I asked the mum if she could have him over, as I had an appointment I'd cancelled twice already and it couldn't be done in school hours, apparently. We have had this child to us, on and off for 18 months (it is the first friendship he has ever had) and in all that time, ds was never invited in reciprocal fashion. At primary school, he went to 2 birthday parties in 4 years. We are talking about a very "different from the norm" child here.

Get a baby sitter? Yes, why hadn't I thought of that!

DH is lucky to have us, yes. But, he has 3 grown up kids who are all high achievers. And whether some of you like it or not, it does take a special person to "take on" anyone else's disabled child, even sometimes a "normal" child. More difficult for men, i think because wimen "care" more. Second marriages break down even more frequently and it's often to do with issues surrounding step kids. I know, I have 3. DH knew some of what he was getting into but in honesty, ds has worsened since OCD diagnosis aged 10. It is a big ask.

[MortifiedAdams]

Tbh I wouldnt let a NT 12yo sleep in the garsen on their own. With a friend / group / other adult, yes, but alone just seems odd.

[Eliza22]

Oh, and this man, my DH accepts that I can no longer work. There's very little I can do between 0915 and 1445 each day. That's the days when ds is in school for a full day. Today, he finishes at 1pm for his weekly CBT appointment session. Last week, he was unwell OCD-wise and had a day off. I was a nursing sister, in the NHS for 25 years but nursing and my life now are entirely incompatible. DH works hard. We don't get any benefits/alliances because he's in a good salary but.....he travels a lot, is 54 years old and the man needs a break. Don't we all?

[Fairyegg]

Why aren't you getting help from ss? You should be entitled to some after school and weekend respite hours from them.

[Damnautocorrect]

I used to spend all summer camping in the garden with my sis. Would I have done it on my own, no, would I have wanted to, no.
Your ex should have wanted to camp with him, and enjoy the experience and make it more fun. Great bonding for both of them.

[Eliza22]

We did have some money from Aiming High a Govt. thing, for about ten months. It was great in that, the people came from a special autism outreach place. Then, the funding finished.

[Eliza22]

damnautocorrect That's what I find hard.... Dad sees so little of him and camping together could have been SUCH an adventure.

MrsLouisTheroux. You are wrong. There are times I can get more sense out of ex's partner than ex so, I value her, in that respect. She seems fine to me. I don't know her that well but, she's welcomed into our home when (if) she comes up, to drop off ds. However, considering his Dad's lack of understanding /acknowledgement of his condition it's difficult to smile and nod, when his partner starts telling me "you should do this, that, whatever. I was not impressed when she lost him in an airport when they took ds abroad for a long weekend and she told him off for taking the wrong turn out of the airport toilets (easy done) and getting lost in the crowd. He was 9. She ought to have either stood outside the entrance to the toilet and watched for him, or, sent his dad in.

My confidence in both of them is not high but when I speak to them (strongly) I get told to stop wrapping him in cotton wool by ex as well as his partner.

I am a step parent. So, I understand how hard it can be.

[AmberLeaf]

Why aren't you getting help from ss? You should be entitled to some after school and weekend respite hours from them

Very few people get any respite help. There is no funding for it.

[Fairyegg]

I would be doing a bit of research on what help is avaiable to you in terms in respite. I appreciate it varies from area to area but in my area you would be entitled to quite a few extra hours from children's services.

[pigletmania]

Iam just shocked that people think its ok to leave a vulnerable child with complex needs out in a tent on his own without an adult! Its ok hes 12 he needs to learn indeoendence! He sounds like a child who will never experience independence as an adult, when it is introduced it will be in a controlled fashion in small stages, possibly with a carer present

[pigletmania]

Never experience totally independence in s way thst an nt adult withiut thosr needs would

[pigletmania]

It sounds like ex does not want to accept his son has sn and is trying to normalise him. Just because he is the boyd fsther does not mean hr is able to make the rught decisions for his ds

[BarbarianMum]

I think that if the garden is a secure one and he could get back into the house if needs be then YABU (sorry but haven't got time to trawl through whole thread to see if these points have already been raised).

If the above is true then the worst that could happen is what, exactly?

[pigletmania]

Barbarian I do think you have read op subsequent posts about how complex her ds needs are! He could become disorientated, distressed, have a mealtdwns and be uable to get help.

[AmberLeaf]

Do people really not get that some children with ASD will never live independently?

...and Im still rolling on the floor at the extra hours after school and at weekends respite! Respite has been cut dreadfully and even before it was scarce.

[Eliza22]

Good point Amberleaf. My son is more Aspergers (now, a defunct term). He can be highly articulate and bright in certain ways but..... Ask him to do something simple and he falls to bits. He still needs prompting in the correct way to wash and dress. And still comes down "ready" with clothes inside out/back to front. A close friend of mine, from school days lives a 2 hour drive from us (so no baby sitting there!) and her husband asked me last week "so, what is DS's "genius, then?" I sighed and said, we haven't found it. Yet.

You say autism and many people think many different things. A lady tut-tutted at me at a Carer's meeting recently, when I said my son had a disability.... ASD. She said "but, that's not really a disability, is it? Not like people who are in wheelchairs or who have dementia". Well, no, it's not the same. But it is a disability!

[AmberLeaf]

Yes, lots of people think wheelchair user = disability and anything else doesn't count.

ASD can be fairly mild, but it can also be very disabling in many ways.

Ive had the 'but he looks so normal ' too.

[AmberLeaf]

My son is very intelligent, but there is a big difference between intelligence and useful intelligence.

[ukatlast]

YANBU It only takes one weirdo. Call me a cynic but I would wonder if his father is hinting that he doesn't want access so regularly at weekends by shunting him into the garden? Could also be the adults wanting house to themselves so they can carry on their sex lives etc without your son cramping their style.