Am I unreasonable to be livid about this?

[Eliza22]

I'm divorced. Ds (ASD/OCD) goes to dad twice a month or, every other weekend. This weekend, he was allowed to sleep in a tent in the garden, by himself, whilst ex husband and partner slept in the house.

I'm so annoyed. Ds is high functioning, more Aspie but, with OCD, has massive anxiety issues. However, SD wanted to do it.

Was that a safe thing to do? He is described in his Statement as being " extremely vulnerable with very poor danger perception".

[AnyFucker]

I feel for you and I feel for your boy.

However, you still continuing to send him to what you already perceive to be an unsafe/inappropriate space for his developmental needs in order to give your new partner a break from your son is very jarring.

[cory]

I absolutely agree with you, Eliza, that your ex was wrong in this instance. This was not the way.

And I quite understand what you are saying about your ds being vulnerable because he looks different.

But in a sense, he will always be vulnerable in this way: hate crimes against adults with SN sadly do happen and adults with SN are made the targets of criminals who want easily manipulated tools.

So it is another thing you will have to factor into your plans for gradually fostering independence. It is not going to need less independence preparation because of the added dangers, but far more. Where your ex was wrong was he tried to do something suddenly, without thinking it through and without consulting the person who knows his ds best.

At the same time, I do think your posts come across as if you think a lot about a very limited number of highly publicised cases. Abduction and murder cases of the James Bulger/Madeleine McCann order are so rare that your ds is probably at more risk of breaking his neck falling down the stairs.

I would focus more on the more common risks and what you can do to prepare for those.

[Eliza22]

AnyFucker yes, I can see that that reads jarringly.

There are such good things from my current relationship which ds has not experienced before. An often "normal happy family" situation rather than the shocking rows he was protected from (but often, not enough) with my ex. Though only 4 when ex and I split he was brought up by me until he was 9 and that was hard. He is an only child. Couldn't access peer group friendships and has no family within 200 miles. His cousins are adults as my sister started young....I had ds at 38! Circumstance meant that, when I met now DH, it was wonderful for ds to have a "dad" figure who was there. In a way his own dad wasn't, even when we lived together.

When I say DH needs a day off...... He is a patient man but, 4 years post marriage, I still feel it is a very big ask to expect this man to deal day in, day out with ds and his condition. Ex goes on tours of Europe/the USA for his 3/4 week holidays and DH and I have never had more than a weekend break, when ds sees his dad. That may sound like I'm trying to off load him, despite the dangers but, as the solicitor has said, his dad contact is important and her attitude was "just explain appropriate safe practice" and warn him (we did, with a letter) that deviating from this would jeopardise his visitation rights.

It's NOT as black and white as DH and I fancying a quick weekend by the sea!!

[AnyFucker]

When your H married you, he married the whole package and that does include dealing with his stepson on a daily basis, day in and day out

yes, children having contact with their other parent is a good thing, and yes it does give the primary carers a break and there is nothing wrong with that at all

(I often have mock arguments about H about who would get the kids, and would go for 50/50 if we ever split for real in order for me to continue with my own life as much as he did)

but that only works if it's a safe space, and you know this isn't

what are you going to do about it, now it is clear your warnings and attempts to guide a man who doesn't see a need for it are falling on deaf ears ? (and not for the first time)

[AnyFucker]

with H

[Balaboosta]

I think that your negativity about this is making you miss out on an opportunity to give your boy a massive confidence boost by saying well done, you did a great thing, you're getting very independent now etc. I would probably feel the same way as you but since it's done and he was fine I think you could find something positive in the situation. Like a bit of pride that your lovely boy did this by himself!

[Eliza22]

Bloody Nora, please read the whole thread!!

I did praise him but then, as the evening wore on, DS followed me around the house saying "dad says you were angry, why?. Why would you not have let me? Caroline (ex's partner) says You're too protective. Why are you too protective?" Now, I had a private text with dad (before they got home) to say I will praise him but, I'm not happy as you should have been camping with him. Sadly, ex had showed ds the text.

When ex dropped him home and stood in the hall looking at me, expecting a "word" I just smiles and said "see you in 3 weeks". I flatly refused to discuss it with ds standing there.

[Eliza22]

Well, I will speak to ex. He won't see him til the end of July now. Henson holiday.

[Eliza22]

Bloody iPad! "He's ON holiday".

[AnyFucker]

is that a RL name ? You might want to ask HQ to remove that, OP

[Eliza22]

No. Not her real name. . Thank you for the reminder, tho!

[AnyFucker]

ok

[cory]

They are really not helping, are they? Poor lad, struggling to make sense of their totally unnecessary comments.

[Inertia]

So as well as allowing a child with additional needs to camp out alone and locked out, and being in charge of a situation where DS was alone and locked out of a hotel at night and had to be returned by strangers, your Ex took your DS camping before and locked him in his own tent when he was pleading to be allowed to go into his dad's tent? Dear God, he's not just ignoring your safety instructions, he's setting the child up to fall.

Does he not get enough nights alone with his girlfriend, FFS?

[Eliza22]

Hmmm... It makes me wonder. But then my ex, who took himself off to live 90 miles away now moans at me because I won't meet him in a motorway services, to exchange ds at lunchtime, on his dad weekend. Apparently, itd help ex with his time management and fuel costs. He only has him from Friday night to Sunday, twice a month. It barely gives DH and I chance to catch up with our chores and maybe fit in a Chinese takeaway as it is!

[pigletmania]

Startail it is slightly different if that chi has sn and has no sense if danger, tey are vulnerable and not lik te average child. Ex should have caned out with his ds abey in a different tent, not all alone where he could become overwhelmed and panick and mabey havea meltdown. Iam about the other camping reinforce that alone I would not trust ex to keepss safe

[RoooneyMara]

I've read about half and skimmed the rest so apols if I have missed anything.

It sounds like it isn't about physical safety so much as emotional unavailability on the part of his dad, who seems to be ignoring him when he visits.

I'd be unhappy about that too.

[Feelslikea1sttimer]

YANBU I too would be livid, with his complex needs he should not have been left to camp alone without his father.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

YANBU. At that age, Dh and i wouldn't have let our NT son sleep alone in a tent in the garden - dh camped with the boys when they wanted to sleep in the tent.

And as for trying to make mischief between you and your son by showing him the text you sent - that is shocking behaviour - it smacks of using your son to make a point with you, without any thought or care as to the effect that would have on your son. Bastard.

[Eliza22]

Yes, it boils down to that really. As a responsible adult, I'd not let a 9 or 10 year old (his level of maturity, at best) sleep alone in a tent.

His dad was wrong. I have nothing against ex's partner and I welcome her in the sense that she might be "there" for ds in his future but frankly, she is not his mum, doesn't want children of her own and ought not to be telling me, via ds (!) what I should encourage him to do.

[SelfRighteousPrissyPants]

I think the previous camping situation was awful so I'd be worried because of that but someone with the maturity level of a 9 or 10 year old should be fine sleeping in a tent assuming he had access to the house and wasn't pressured into it.

I know it's an awful long time ago but I spent whole summers on my own at night in a tent in the garden from the age of 7. Child abduction/murder rates haven't altered in that time.

[maddy68]

I have a son with asd. I think your ex did the right thing. I became far too over protective and it did him no favours at all

He needs to be able to grow up abc learn coping strategies of his own.

You need to cut the apron strings for his own good

[Snazzywaitingforsummer]

It is undeniably sad that your DS's dad does not seem bothered enough about him to suggest they camp out together as a nice thing to do (regardless of any confidence of SEN issues, just as dad and son together). And the fixing the zip thing is just shocking.

As for the 'needs a break' issue with your now DH, well, that's as maybe but plenty of parents/stepparents get no breaks at all, and if giving him a 'break' is exposing your DS to possible harm then I think it is asking a lot. Is there nowhere else you could go for even a weekend, a friend's or a relative's even, to do this without your DS having to put up with his dad's indifference to his needs?

[MrsLouisTheroux]

I have nothing against ex's partner and I welcome her in the sense that she might be "there" for ds in his future but frankly, she is not his mum, doesn't want children of her own and ought not to be telling me, via ds (!) what I should encourage him to do.
Translates to: "She may come in useful in the future but needs to keep her opinions to herself."
The delights of being in a step family.