AIBU to think Nigella has no right to feel frustrated?

[GiveMumABreak]

'Nigella feels frustrated that the whole world has an opinion about something she feels is a private situation.'

'Nigella feels her hand has been forced.'

'Nigella told friends she wants to rebuild her troubled relationship with millionaire art collector Mr Saatchi and insisted: 'I am not some sort of battered wife.'

AIBU to think: She is a celebrity chef (and role model)who had her photo taken in a public place. We are shocked and concerned - not just nosey, or should the whole world just mind their own business (as she would clearly prefer)?

article here

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

The public has the ability to control how the media reports. We can do that by not buying 'gutter press' papers and journals. It's the only way. The public seems to be fully behind intrusive and exploitative journalism. Therefore, that bit is down to the public.

I used to read magazines and newspapers but haven't for many years now. If I want to know something I will find out from news reports and broadsheets - and question every irrelevance and disregard any and all 'gossipy snippet'. I have no respect for the pseudo-journalists in this country, none whatsoever.

[ManifestoMT]

FreudiansSlipper
Re billy Holliday That's why I posted it. It's weirdly familiar the whole abusive background nigella's mother was abusive to both her children. How it'd been dealt with in the media, how people are critical of nigella rather than saatchi
Billy was singing in the 1930's how little peoples attitudes have changed. A man thinks he can grab someone's throat in the middle of a restaurant and get away with no one saying anything. I actually think if he did that in the 1930's some one would have called him on it as women were delicate flowers in need of protection. Now we are so afraid of confronting people we look away and say nothing.

I hope nigella gets through it all and finds some sort of peace and safety.
I hope saatchi is hating all this exposure.

I hope if and when she find the courage there are the same amount of people to support her as are berating her now.

There but for the grace of god go I.
Add another platitude "to understand what's going on we should walk a mile in her shoes"

Thank goodness I don't have to and I am safe

[EmmaBemma]

what the fuck? we have no idea whether she actually said those things or anything like them. Who seriously takes a Daily Wail article at face value, especially one that heavily quotes "friends". Whenever a source is a "friend", there is no source, just a hack with a deadline. I can't believe people actually believe this shit and then sit about getting all huffy about it.

Leave Nigella alone. Her private life is none of your business.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

I might equally have said, "I'm not some sort of battered wife...". I would say it out of shock, bewilderment, hurt or as some sort of response - any sort of response - to get a scummy journalist out of my face.

Nigella has no responsibility to ANYBODY but herself.

Anybody who reads the tabloid press (DM and the ilk) deserves to be ignored.

[WorraLiberty]

No. The fault for that lies squarely with our so called 'journalists' and the low, low standards of the 'meeja'-devouring public. Whatever he did or she did does not detract from the fact that they are not free from public scrutiny to deal with their problems - and they should be.

This ^^ in a nutshell from Lying

Some of the posts I've read on the internet and in newspapers, give me the impression that some people are rubbing their hands with glee.

Armchair psychologists and 'Sleb hunters'...all thinking they know this woman and know what's best for her.

They know no more about her real life than they'll know about my cousin's goldfish.

[RazzleDazzleEm]

Its interesting for lots of reasons, rightly or wrongly.

Domestic violence is usually in the home behind closed doors, this has been outed.

One poster on here has said she felt her humiliation has forced her hand. That poster has been forgotten on here.

Lots of women will see those Pics and feel they are not alone, as well as the sad thruth that anyone is vulnerable too it. Lots of women in the situation will also see the public's out cry and hopefully will think more about their own situations.

When you are abused like that routinely it does become routine and the normal expected pattern of ones life.

To suddenly have this spot light on the abuse - and an out cry - wow its NOT acceptable, isnt a bad thing.

I am glad the pics were caught, I am very sorry for her and her situ and her DC.

If she isnt mentally stable enough to take this - as a public figure, meaning she has had some experience of vast media exposure, I do not see how she can be stable enough to cope with a man, trying to strangle her.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

How ridiculous, Razzle... How do you rationalise being stable enough to cope with this sustained media intrusion into her personal life as any indication of strength to cope with being strangled? I never say "WTAF" but I'm saying it now...

People may or may not think about their own circumstances but, as you can see from this thread - and many others - it's exactly as Worra says, slobbering public 'enjoying' the perceived 'downfall' or 'mis-step'.

Do you know what else sickens me? It's women who are doing the hand-rubbing. Vile, grim and all the other over-used MN terms - in spades.

[SigmundFraude]

'She would not have left if the incident had stayed private.?
I hope she gets a shedload of counselling and has her eyes opened.'

I'm sure she will get a shedload of counselling. Having your relationship ripped apart by random strangers and the media, having every word and facial expression commented on. The 'concern' being shown towards her will turn to scathing fury if she doesn't leave him, you watch. She will be a victim all over again, hounded for not doing exactly what was expected of her by people who have never spent 5 minutes in her presence.

She might leave him I suppose, after all, doesn't she have a public face to maintain, or so people are telling her. Ditch Saatchi or lose your livelihood, the public decree it so.

As you say, I expect her eyes have been well and truly opened.

[TheCraicDealer]

The fact that he did something wrong isn't debatable, not really. He was pictured doing it, the police have cautioned him and he has accepted that. However, to be made to feel that she should react to this as people "expect" her to rather than what she wants to do is hardly a position many of us would wish to be in.

It might be that she still loves the ball bag and she wants to make it work, maybe get him into therapy or counselling to try and solve his problem. But that option will be vilified and picked apart, any news items on their marriage will allude to this for years; "Saatchi, who famously accepted a caution for strangling his wife outside London eatery Blah blah, has clearly been forgiven by Nigella...". Boke. She will not be able to make a truly free choice about her next move. Like an addict she needs to leave when she knows the game's up, a forced intervention (whether physical or under the influence of the media) will more than likely be unsuccessful.

While I don't like the fact that she's not presently engaging an expensive divorce lawyer or putting his art collection on eBay, she has to be allowed to make a choice that's right for her. She's allowed to feel aggrieved that that's not happening. So YABU.

[RazzleDazzleEm]

I totally disagree.

There was public out cry over a woman seemingly dumping a cat in a bin.

No one questioned that.

This was a woman being throttled.

Physically attacked.

I don't think people are slobbering and enjoying it.

I think most people are shocked, appalled and glad its in the open and they hope - as do I that something happens for the better.

If simply talking about it - and discussing it is classified as slobbering and hand rubbing then I suggest hypocrisy of the highest order from some posters...and MN has that in spades too.

[RazzleDazzleEm]

The most pressure she will get is from her family. After all her Father especially is also in the public eye.

Most people in the media know not to read the papers about themselves and know its rubbish.

How she reacts to the media is again her business.

If her DH hadnt done this - none of this would have existed.

[goodasgold]

I'm not hand rubbing over Nigella.

I think that the fact her notouriously private husband has issued a statement speaks volumes. I was expecting complete silence from him at least regarding this, being a nothing story. The fact that he has made a statement bothers me more than than the pap shots.

[RazzleDazzleEm]

Good, I doubt anyone is hand rubbing over this. Its the usual way to close down talk over a wider sensitive subject.

I feel dreadfully sorry for N but more sorry that her DH felt it was OK to put his hands round her neck and try to strangle her.

[WorraLiberty]

If she isnt mentally stable enough to take this - as a public figure, meaning she has had some experience of vast media exposure, I do not see how she can be stable enough to cope with a man, trying to strangle her.

Yes well you 'not being able to see it', isn't going to bring much comfort to a woman who has had her personal and private life, suddenly thrust into the media, is it?

She's a public figure because she cooks food...and that's that.

[mathanxiety]

If she wants to be mad at anyone she should be mad at him for throttling her in public, if she is in fact mad about having all of this hashed out in the papers.

But would it have been preferable for this to happen in a private spot? Is public humiliation worse than private? If she ever decided to divorce him if he went too far in private perhaps would she feel the same reticence about pursuing divorce? She is in the public eye and there would be speculation -- would she fear being tainted?. If she felt trapped by her celebrity in a horrible marriage because the 'shame' of being known as a victim of DV was too much for her then that is a problem for society.

Worra -- '...slobbering public 'enjoying' the perceived 'downfall' or 'mis-step'.
If this is how the incident is viewed then society needs to wake up because there are thousands of women who fall victim each year to a partner. Two women are murdered every week by a partner. Is this a misstep on the part of a woman? Is it a 'downfall' for a woman to be known as a victim of DV? If so then the UK might as well bring back stoning and start calling itself Saudi Arabia West.

Yes, she actually is some sort of battered wife. A wealthy one. One who is famous. There is no shame on her for that. Her husband is a wife batterer. You could ask him in years to come 'Are you still beating your wife?'

[WorraLiberty]

Worra -- '...slobbering public 'enjoying' the perceived 'downfall' or 'mis-step'.

I didn't say that...you've mixed me up with someone else.

But I agree with whoever said it, 100%.

Read some of the posts on this thread and you'll see that so many people think they know what's good for this complete and utter stranger.

They know fuck all. They don't know how this woman is feeling or whether or not she can cope with 1000s of strangers knowing her private business right now.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Mathanxiety... I wrote that, not Worra. Society needs to wake up generally and stop living vicariously through 'slebs', getting their daily fixes of information through rubbish sources. There is quite a bit of hand-rubbing that I can see; it doesn't surprise me at all. Always nice to focus on the misfortunes of another to distract from ones own problems. Schadenfreude strikes again!

Of course violence towards a person isn't perceived as a 'downfall' or a 'mis-step' - by thinking people anyway. If you are following the story you will know that there are people clamouring for ever more details, taking this incident and attempting to direct resolution as to what they perceive Nigella should do. Is it their business to do that? No. Does it stop them? Not in the slightest.

There seems to be a real antipathy on this thread towards people who go against the 'tide', posters who actually don't feel that this 'story' is for public delectation. Any attempt to post a differing view is met with the same old accusation of attempting to 'close down a discussion'. As if that ever worked... A difference of opinion is just that, no more no less.

[mathanxiety]

Pardon me, Worra. But I do disagree with you. Her husband should have worried more about how his wife would cope when he decided to do what he did.

I agree wrt the disgusting hunger for celebrity news, and the way incidents are turned into spectacles often overlooks the fact that there are real people and real sorrow and sometimes even tragedy going on. The sordid details of the Philpott case seemed to overshadow the fact that so many children lost their lives.

In this case the way the story itself has been presented is an issue all unto itself imo. Here is the DM's parting shot:

'But it is not only the personal humiliation that is said to be worrying Nigella.
Her new success in America, where she found fame with the television reality show The Taste last January, could now be vulnerable.'

It reads to me like a warning to women to think twice before telling people about violence in their relationship for fear of being tainted by the 'scandal' of DV. The subtext is that you may have more to gain by putting up with being assaulted in private by your partner than splitting and enduring either speculation about the reasons, or the fallout from divulging the reasons. Keeping silent about DV is not the way to stop DV, which is at epidemic proportions.
If she has bought into all of this then that is a huge pity.

Unfortunately there are fewer thinking people around than there should be or the DM would go out of business.

However, some of the comments happen because people care, and know perhaps from sad personal experience that someone like her husband manages his anger very well in order to get what he wants.

[Mimishimi]

I'd be more likely to watch any new show of hers than I would have previously. I'm sure Americans don't blame her for her husband's inability to control himself whilst emphasising a point during a playful tiff which left her in tears. I know I don't. She's deluded if she doesn't think it's abuse though. Being a battered wife is not the sole province of the poor .. He doesn't have to be a drunkard who leaves her with a black eye or broken limbs. Physically threatening her without leaving a mark is just as abusive.

Wealthy men are often abusers or make excuses for it. Just yesterday there was an article in our newspaper (Sydney Morning Herald) where the prominent Australian rabbi of the very wealthy Chabad movement in NYC said that goyim (non-Jewish) boys are often sexualised from the age of five and that poor people have nothing else to think about other than sex, which they carry out with each other and with dogs (!!!!), so some pedophile abuse has to be understood in that context!!! This is not the rabbi who is under an ongoing investigation from Australian police for molesting boys from his own community but it is alleged that he was protected from the likes of the one who made those disgusting comments.

Saatchi doesn't strike me as one bit sorry.

[mathanxiety]

I would too Mimishimi, and I agree that Americans are not likely to be put off any show of hers in any way by this. In fact I think the opposite, and not out of prurience. That is why those DM words leapt from the screen at me.

[Lazyjaney]

"i actually really dont understand why people care so much about this that there has to be 3million mumsnet about it"

And here is one on MN complaining about other people talking about it on other social forums. Oh the irony

Flipside of fame. It giveth, and it taketh away.

[Jayne3474]

She can feel frustrated if she likes.

The difference between her and another famous person e.g. Professor Stephen Hawking or even Beyonce is that she has specifically made a fortune out of being a 'Domestic Goddess'.

Not just a good cook like Delia or a proper chef like Gordon Ramsey, but, no, a domestic goddess no less.

So somebody who manipulates the public with such patronising sounding tomes like 'How to Eat' oh do fuck off is surprised when the public react to the news that her life is not perfect.

No woman should be subjected to domestic abuse ever, but by goodness, HAD the myth of domestic goddess fallen away for some other reason eg she was spotted stuffing her face with McDonalds every night or eating a Greggs pastie and feeding her precious kids fruit shoots, well it would be nice to see that smug grin taken away.

A multi-millionairess. Never has to earn a penny, could spend her time volunteering for charities OR something more useful.

But, no, the most important thing is baking blardy cupcakes.

Like I said, HAD the public's blinkers been removed as regards her perfect life because we found out she used Tesco value ham and didn't really have an orgasm over a set of fairy lights, then I would have a major case of schadenfraude.

[FreudiansSlipper]

Did Nigella give tips on how to be a goof wife, how to make you sex life better, how to fold towels no it was based around cooking

The goddess is marketing and I am sure it is more of a reference to her beauty and sex appeal than her domesticated life style

she is still a great cook shame on those who feel cheated what have they lost nothing

[FreudiansSlipper]

Good wife ...

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Jayne... Urgh. You sound so jealous and really quite unpleasant.

I did agree with this bit of your post though: No woman should be subjected to domestic abuse ever.