To not want a career? (Serious)

[MustWakeUp]

Hi all,

I know it's not a very pc thing to say these days and my parents who are oxbridge educated high achievers are baffled by my 'low ambitions' (anything that isn't law/med/finance = low ambitions and future of mediocrity to them). I understand that this isn't the opinion of most women, but this is just how I feel.

I've never had this burning ambition to be a career woman - I finished my A levels last summer and got 4 A*'s in maths, further maths, physics & art so it's not that I'm not academic. I loved school and I love learning but I just don't want a career. When we had careers advisors come into our school from about yr 9-yr 13 they would tell me about all the different things I could work as for e.g. accountant, actuary, physicist, economist and so on, but the problem was they all just sounded dead boring. I have shadowed plenty of my parents friends in all sorts of science-y and numerate jobs and I honestly don't know how they do it. It is just not suited to me at all.

My parents are only concerned with £££ and prestige. I'm a good painter & I write poetry and I've sold a few of my paintings and had some of my poems published and now my parents (mum especially) are pushing me to do more & more & more, they are turning something I enjoy and find relaxing into a money generating passionless thing.

What I would love to do with my life more than anything is travel the world doing odd jobs the way I'm doing now and then settle down at 25ish & have my own family & be a SAHM but still continue with my painting and poetry.

Since finishing my A-levels I've been doing that (sort of) - I temp for a 2-3 months and sell a few paintings, then I travel for as long as my money will last, when I run out of cash I come back for another 2-3 months and temp and paint again...I have seen the most beautiful sights and met the most fascinating and oddest people during this last year and I love my life the way it is now....I am free to go where I please and do what I want, I have no one to answer to at all! I wake up everyday feeling so happy and chill. But the trouble is my parents see me as squandering my 'potential' and have now recruited my aunts, uncles, ex-form tutors even my preacher!!!! to talk some 'sense' into me and to tell me that I need to apply for university and stop living 'like a dirty hippie' and I'm beginning to have doubts myself.....(not about uni, would love to be in higher education someday - but university will always be there!)

so tell me MN, is it BU for some people to just not be interested in the rat race and the corporate world and careers in general? I mean surely, some people just want different things?

[GetStuffezd]

Ah. Just seen the hairdresser comment. Don't think we should feed this one any more.

[florascotia]

I think you deserve some credit for wanting to discuss your lifestyle choice. How lovely to be able to travel, and how great to be so talented. I wish you well, whatever you choose.

This may be a daft question, but what about art college, even if only part-time? Not now, but maybe after a few more years of your current lifestyle. (I wonder whether perhaps you are still reacting to the intensively achievement-focused last few years of schooling? I loved school and studying too, but sometimes my teenage years seemed far too much like a treadmill...)

I know many creative people who are passionate about their art or craft.They are not very materialistic, either, and - especially if their husbands/wives/ partners are artists, too - few have much money. But almost all of them have spent three, four, even six years studying to widen their knowledge/ challenge their ideas/improve their skills. They studied because they found it interesting. But, like you, some of them did spend quite a bit of unstructured time before returning to study. And, who knows, perhaps that time out helped their creative powers to mature and develop?

However, I agree with other posters that, in an ideal world, it's good for any adult (man or woman) to be able to support themselves financially, if they can and if the need arises. Not only for practical reasons or because it's good for self-respect (though those are important), but because, as Virginia Woolf said long ago in 'A Room of One's Own', financial independence allows creative freedom. You may never need to support yourself and/or a family, but IMHO it's probably wise to at least think about the possibility.

[IrisScentedCandle]

I take back my comments earlier because I am not 19. I am in my 40s and I know what I want and how hard I am prepared/not prepared to work for it. I also have children and at least three fairly serious relationships behind me.

[Primrose123]

primrose a hairdresser why on earth would I do that?

Because one day you might find you have to support yourself and it is a good honest job. That's kind of insulting to hairdressers too. Are you too good for that?

I have A levels, a degree, and a post graduate qualification, and I don't think being a hairdresser is beneath me.

[Phineyj]

Nothing wrong with hairdessing -- always in demand, requires little equipment and can't be outsourced to another country. It would also greatly annoy your parents

[StealthPolarBear]

OP, you have no idea at the age of 19 how your relationship will go. I am not being patronising, I married the man I was with at the age of 19.

[Primrose123]

I'm starting to think this may be a troll.

[Phineyj]

Hairdressing

[kerstina]

Hairdressing is creative in the same way makeup artistry is. I would love to have a hairdresser that had an interest in art as I know they would really know what colours, cuts would suit.

[QueenCadbury]

If both you and your boyfriend are truly happy with the situation then fine, carry on. But how does he really feel when you go off travelling for months at a time leaving him to pay the mortgage/bills/sort out repairs etc.

We all have plans for our lives but they don't necessarily always work out so it's often good to have a back up plan. If you spilt up with boyfriend can you afford to support yourself? What if either of you are infertile and can't have kids? I know it's a lot of what ifs but it's all important to consider. At 19 life appears rosy but you asked for input from those of us with life experience and we're giving it to you.

[Cherriesarelovely]

I honestly think you will regret it if you don't do some kind of training or further ed while you are unencumbered. As Primrose says it is much harder to do so when you have a family and other responsibilities. However, no disrespect to you at all if you choose not to, just make sure you can support yourself and don't rely too much on others providing foryou forever.

[DontmindifIdo]

OP - I have a friend who's like you. She never really wanted to work, she wanted to be a SAHM, play perfect hostess in a nice house and be a good support to her DH's career. She went to uni in order to meet an appropriate young man once the one she'd lined up at A levels decided that actually he fancied going off travelling and not joining the rat race. She unfortuately didn't meet a man who wanted that from a wife and she's most annoyed that at 35 she's still single, working as a teacher - a job she doesn't like (which was her fall back job after not thinking about her career) and being very jealous that I've got something close to the life she wanted.

An aunt of mine was most annoyed in her 40s when my uncle had a nervious break down in his mid-40s. He had a very good job in a bank, she had been a SAHM since uni. He got what would be a good pay out, but it just cleared the mortgage and left nothing to live off, so she had to go to work to support the family. Having not worked other than 'pin money jobs' and that wasn't going very far - their standard of living dropped dramatically. (thankfully they'd decided against private schools, she would never have been able to keep them afloat if they had those to pay)

Basically, you might plan out your life, but it might not work out that way. I would suggest at least going to uni even if you don't use your degree now, you'll at least have it - rather than thinking in terms of which degrees are going to lead to a job, think in terms of what interests you to study, (art?) then travel in the holidays. Over the course of your degree, you will come across people who share your interests who might be able to discuss careers that actually interest you, rather than careers that interest your parents and their friends. It would be good to be able to have the option of being independent, even if you don't exercise that option. And once you are married and have DCs, returning to Uni and starting a career is very very hard.

[angeltulips]

Why haven't you already married him OP? What are you waiting for?

I think you're absolutely bonkers to not even go to university - you are effectively shutting yourself out from any kind of skilled job for life. And university is only in term for c 20 weeks a year, so you could still travel, paint etc. Why not go and study English lit and major in poetry? I'm sure your writing would be the better for it

I personally couldn't take the risk of being so dependent on another person - what if your dp burns out at some point? What if he falls ill? But, if you are comfortable with that risk - go for it.

[GetStuffezd]

£20 says this gets to 798 posts of SAHM vs WOHM drivel.

[noddyholder]

I love the way these threads always have a sly dig at interior designers as some sort of pin money job for kept women. I earn more than a lot of men I know .

[MustWakeUp]

I am not a troll, is my AIBU that strange?

I meant nothing about the hairdressing, I was imagining my mothers face if she walked into a salon with her friends and I was in uniform waiting to do their hair. She would kill me.

[jojomalone]

I think your twenties should be about throwing yourself into something/ everything, having amazing/ silly experiences, earning your own money, developing yourself and your skills, learning lessons and coming out the other side...

You sound a bit entitled and as if you think you know all the answers. Believe me, you really don't. Life will throw things at you that don't figure in your plan and you have to be able to cope.

I had a friend who chose the life you describe. Was always a bit lazy/ work-shy (not saying you are), in a relationship as a kept woman from the age of 19 with a wealthy guy with his own control issues who it suited for her to stay at home. By 25 she had little to talk about with the rest of us who were off doing our thing and had become moody and withdrawn. By 30 she was not a very nice person, trying to put others down to make herself feel better. She has a child now but I have heard that is not living up to her expectations and she finds it hard. Beware.

[StealthPolarBear]

No. Good plan op. Marry a rich husband, pursue your interests and keep a nice house.

[noddyholder]

I thought you wanted to write and paint?

[Corygal]

If you really care about poetry, an English degree is the fastest way to learn about it. Ditto art.

As to scabbing about not doing much, I think that's more than fine.

[JazzDalek]

You lost me when you were sniffy about hairdressers and assumed your relationship will never falter.

[MustWakeUp]

I do noddy, someone mentioned art college...sounds lovely.

[noddyholder]

Art college would indeed be lovely.

[chocoluvva]

Or a part-time OU course in something that interests you. You could do mix and match modules in, eg creative writing, history of art etc