To not want a career? (Serious)

[MustWakeUp]

Hi all,

I know it's not a very pc thing to say these days and my parents who are oxbridge educated high achievers are baffled by my 'low ambitions' (anything that isn't law/med/finance = low ambitions and future of mediocrity to them). I understand that this isn't the opinion of most women, but this is just how I feel.

I've never had this burning ambition to be a career woman - I finished my A levels last summer and got 4 A*'s in maths, further maths, physics & art so it's not that I'm not academic. I loved school and I love learning but I just don't want a career. When we had careers advisors come into our school from about yr 9-yr 13 they would tell me about all the different things I could work as for e.g. accountant, actuary, physicist, economist and so on, but the problem was they all just sounded dead boring. I have shadowed plenty of my parents friends in all sorts of science-y and numerate jobs and I honestly don't know how they do it. It is just not suited to me at all.

My parents are only concerned with £££ and prestige. I'm a good painter & I write poetry and I've sold a few of my paintings and had some of my poems published and now my parents (mum especially) are pushing me to do more & more & more, they are turning something I enjoy and find relaxing into a money generating passionless thing.

What I would love to do with my life more than anything is travel the world doing odd jobs the way I'm doing now and then settle down at 25ish & have my own family & be a SAHM but still continue with my painting and poetry.

Since finishing my A-levels I've been doing that (sort of) - I temp for a 2-3 months and sell a few paintings, then I travel for as long as my money will last, when I run out of cash I come back for another 2-3 months and temp and paint again...I have seen the most beautiful sights and met the most fascinating and oddest people during this last year and I love my life the way it is now....I am free to go where I please and do what I want, I have no one to answer to at all! I wake up everyday feeling so happy and chill. But the trouble is my parents see me as squandering my 'potential' and have now recruited my aunts, uncles, ex-form tutors even my preacher!!!! to talk some 'sense' into me and to tell me that I need to apply for university and stop living 'like a dirty hippie' and I'm beginning to have doubts myself.....(not about uni, would love to be in higher education someday - but university will always be there!)

so tell me MN, is it BU for some people to just not be interested in the rat race and the corporate world and careers in general? I mean surely, some people just want different things?

[StealthPolarBear]

So you'd be happy to live within your means, with no one "providing". Then fine - plenty of people support themselves on min wage jobs. But if you want the fancy lifestyle with no plans yourself of contributing financially at any point at this stage in your life, then I think that's a little off.

[ithaka]

I come from a wealthy family but don't want to earn a living myself. AIBU to marry my rich boyfriend so he can support me financially all my life?

I am so glad my girls' don't think like you - I would worry for them greatly if their plan was to marry at 21 in order to avoid the world of work.

[Primrose123]

I would worry about the future to be honest. What if your DP is ill, loses his job, the job market changes, or he leaves you? No job seems to be secure for life these days. You need some way to support yourself in case things go wrong.

If I were you, I would go to university now. It is much harder to study when you have children. Do it now, get your qualification and then travel etc. You should be able to get better jobs when you travel if you have a degree.

I got a degree and worked etc., and then gave it up to be a sahm, and loved it. Now, however, my children are older and I want to go back to work. I have good qualifications, but it is very hard for me to get a decent job. I am willing to study anything if it will get me a decent position, but everything seems very hard to get into. When I gave up work originally DH was earning far more (he is self-employed) but because of the recession in the last few years, he now earns less, and all our bills have sky-rocketed. We are ok, but not in the same financial position as we used to be.

What I am trying to say is that circumstances change, and you might not be able to do anything about it. I would get as many qualifications and as much experience as you can before becoming a sahm just to be safe for the future.

[StealthPolarBear]

Actually I have a feeling this thread is a trap and I have just walked right into it...

[bragmatic]

So is a fat wallet, eh?

[GetStuffezd]

Me too, stealth!

[Primrose123]

Also, if you don't want to go to university, why not train to be a hairdresser or beauty therapist? My mobile hairdresser told me she trained but didn't have to do any exams. She loves her work and earns good money. You could work the hours that you want and would always have something to fall back on if necessary.

[whiteandyellowiris]

this sounds like soething a parent has posted, posing as their teenager!

anyway, not sure how you can really know when you have only just left school that by 25 you will want to be a sahm.

but having said that this is YOUR LIFE and obnly you can decide what is right for you, so go for what you think will make you happy
if that isart and poetry go for it

[Frenchvanilla]

That all sounds lovely. But your parents are still supporting you.

You have to do something.

Something that will facilitate your travels, ie scuba diving instructor, skiing instructor.

Look at it this way, if you go to university you can travel during the (very long) holidays. You'll meet lots of likeminded people, and you can paint too. Why not do a BA in fine art? It sounds like you'll get a lot out of it.

You do need to get cracking though. I had friends who started at 21 and they felt OLD compared to all the 18 year olds. You have a very small window of opportunity to a degree without being a mature student (which you are from the age of 21!!)

I don't really understand why you wouldn't want to, tbh. Aren't all your friends coming back with stories of how ahh-maa-zing uni is? Don't you feel a bit pedestrian and left behind?

[Illustrated]

Hello,

I thought I would put my thoughts to you as I had very similar feelings although I'm not much older (23)

I come from a pretty privileged background and have always been pushed like crazy to go to university and achieve and make lots of money. I'm artistic and wanted to pursue that as well as my dream of having a family of my own.

I finished college and decided to get a job (only minimum wage) and move out. In my spare time I got to do illustration. About a year later I quit my job due to illness and concentrated on creative things, it didn't pay the bills though so had to go back to a different job.

Fast forward a few years. Met someone, got further with illustration, had a baby, became a sahm (although could only just afford it on dp's minimum wage job, tax credits and what I earnt in illustration)

Right now I'm a single mum with no time to illustrate and no money to make money (buying frames, materials etc.) I do wish that I had chosen something to do alongside my illustration as I don't know anyone that makes a living of just selling art and commissions - they usually have another job too.
I regret relying on someone else completely for bringing in the money.

If I could give you any advice it would be DONT rely on anyone else, DO pursue what you love, DO get another job (whether you enjoy it or not - that's life) just so you know you could pay all the bills if you had to.

[Frenchvanilla]

I thought this was a reverse AIBU as well.

What 19 year old without children knows acronyms like SAHM?

[chocoluvva]

But the OP does work. She has the qualifications to probably get a well-paid job. Doesn't mean she HAS to have a career.

[hermioneweasley]

You are unrealistic to think that you will remain with your first serious boyfriend until you die. If he's as high an earner as you say, there will be plenty of pampered princesses waiting to get their claws into him.

[MustWakeUp]

No trap, I wanted the opinion of women who had experienced life etc.
and yes I've browsed the relationship board, but mine isn't dysfunctional like that and most aren't.

[bouncingbelle]

Why not go to university- it's fun, you get long holidays to go travelling and you get to meet lots of interesting people - not just mummy and daddy's friends children! It's not going to be the same experience if you are ten or 15years older than other students if you decide to go later. An education is something nobody can take away from you. I used to think like you op and unfortunately life doesn't always work out the way you think it will - you can't rely on anybody else to look after you.

[moisturiser]

I don't think there's anything wrong with not being ambitious for a high flying career, you should do what makes you happy.

However, you have absolutely no idea what is round the corner. Illness, disability, affairs, death. I think in life you should set yourself up as securely as possible, work hard, take every opportunity so that you have a better chance of having a good life whatever is thrown at you. Life is extremely competitive nowadays and if you have few qualifications you're limiting yourself to minimum wage work for which there is a lot of competition.

And people change their minds. It would be awful if you got to 30 or 40, found that suddenly you valued things which your friends had (because they've worked damned hard for them) and they'll never be open to you. I do have friends and family who have lived the life you want, one has had the most exotic, exciting life travelling, living in glamorous locations, meeting amazing people. He has nothing to show for it - no money, no house, no wife/partner, all his friends are now married with children or at least settled in a good career. He has had to come home to England (struggling to get work, feeling he needs to put down roots) and live on his sister's sofa and put up marquees for crap money. What seemed an amazing life 10 years ago is, frankly, shit, now.

If I were you I'd go and do a degree and find a job which let me travel - something in tourism perhaps. And pay my own way around the world whilst building a cv at the same time.

Don't shoot yourself in the foot when you clearly could have so many opportunities.

[Cherriesarelovely]

Yanbu, fair enough. It's great if you are able to do the things you enjoy and pay your way. However, quite often life doesn't turn out the way we expect, you may not meet a man who wants to have dcs so that you can be a sahm. Equally, you may find yourself on your own with Dcs and if you don't have any training or a reasonably paid job it could be very hard. You may also get very bored later on in life and want to train for a job but be unable to because you jave young kids and it's too hard to juggle it all.

I have several friends who have taken a similar road to the one you describe. Most of them have eventually compromised and found a steady job that pays the billswhile doing their music or art in their spare time.

[MustWakeUp]

primrose a hairdresser why on earth would I do that?

[Doyouthinktheysaurus]

You may not have a clear path set out for you at 19 but you should recognise 'independence', financial and otherwise as a goal you and all of us should aspire to.

To be so reliant on someone else leaves you in an extremely vulnerable situation.

[scottishmummy]

in real life will you be as touchy and intemperate as you are on mn when asked about your blingy housewife life?

[Phineyj]

OP, bear in mind that when you have children with a man in the type of job you are describing, you are essentially a single parent, which can be tough no matter how much money you have. At the very least make sure you start building a good circle of supportive friends as you will need them because your DH will never be around when there are worries about the children. You will also need paid childcare in order to do the sort of things most of us get done at the weekends when we have handed kids over to our partner.

Realistically, you and DH will have less and less in common over the years as you will not see each other for days at a time.

I certainly think it's hard for both people in a couple to have careers if what you mean by that is 80 hours a week, but you would be in a much better position if you got a professional qualification such as teaching, accountancy (book keepers are in plenty of demand, doesn't have to be full on chartered accountancy) or HR. You get paid for work because it is boring! Enjoying it is great but not a given -- I enjoy parts of my job very much but some of it is tedious.

I am not dissing creative work at all but it takes MORE effort to succeed as a painter or poet (certainly to make a living from it) than more conventional routes. Everyone I know who does creative work has a bills-paying type job as well.

Also your boyfriend's job is presumably in the City but you personally would probably get on better somewhere where your values are considered more normal and the cost of living is much cheaper - not London.

[forgetmenots]

Yanbu - it's your life. Your parents are probably just worried that you're missing out on opportunities that may not be open to you in ten years - they don't want you to have regrets. I'd bet you would regret ignoring your own passions more.

[GetStuffezd]

yes I've browsed the relationship board, but mine isn't dysfunctional like that and most aren't.
Offensive and naive in the extreme. So there this no possibility whatsoever your relationship might crumble? Did these other women just settle for idiots instead of decent chaps?
Good luck to you OP.

[dramaqueen]

What a soul destroying thread.

I'm out!

[forgetmenots]

Eeek huge x post, page didn't refresh!