Is she being unreasonable making this request of my husband?

[Souredstones]

Husband has a female friend who is a complete drama queen, and tbh I find it tiring and so limit my contact with her. Tonight he gets a call from her, clearly about something major, and with the request 'you're the only person I've told, please don't tell anyone, not even Souredstones about it'

Now my automatic inclination whenever anyone says 'you're the only person who knows this don't tell ANYONE' is to call 'bullshitting liar' but I think it's even worse to expect a husband to keep something from his wife. I don't want to know what micro drama is affecting her life, I have no interest in it, I just have issue with her asking my husband to keep a secret from me.

I also take umbridge with him keeping said secret.

Aibu or is she?

[curlew]

If somebody tells you a secret- unless it is something criminal or something- then you carry the burden- that's what friendship is about. Your dp is absolutely right.

[Sallystyle]

ShellyBoobs

I don't think anyone here has said they tell their partners everything. I said it at the start then corrected myself but I haven't read where anyone has said they share every single thing with their partners.

I think those of us on the other side are simply saying that we can't promise not to share something because it totally depends on the nature of the secret. I doubt any of us run to our husbands to blab about our friends secret one night stand etc.

[curlew]

So what sort of secret would you "share"?

[motherinferior]

The point we are making is that it's not your decision to make. Privacy is privacy.

[curlew]

I feel as if I'm on another planet.

And the "juicy gossip" comment from this morning is still ringing in my ears. I am soooooo glad I am sure enough of my friends to know that they won't either tell my confidences to their partners- either for "support and advice" or because it's too good a titbit to resist passing on........

[Souredstones]

I'm pretty sure she did it to be as manipulative as possible.

If he couldn't keep a confidence I wouldn't have married him. As I said upthread it's the situation I don't like

[waikikamookau]

i never forget I was in a pub with dh and a woman he had apparently been chatting to earlier came and whispered in his ear!

she did this intentionally, to make me feel bad, it was only about taking our son horseriding!
but it didn't look good.

I just think she is a mad bat, as does my dh.

[chipmonkey]

I think that if you ask someone to keep a secret, then you are asking them to keep it from everyone, including their OH.
Having said that, if I tell one particular friend a secret, I know she will tell her dh and her three closest friends. I know this because when the same friends have confided in her, she has told me. There is something I would love to tell her but can't risk it.

[waikikamookau]

but I am sure this secret is probably absolutely nothing but I do think your DH should have told you

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

I also put this to my husband.

He said that

A) he can't remember the last time he told anyone a secret, and phrased it in those terms, or they told him a secret.
B) he can't ever remember anyone telling him something and telling him not to tell me
C) he wouldn't share anything a male friend told him with me unless he was worried about it
D) he'd feel distinctly odd if a female friend confided in him in that way

Most of our friends are joint friends anyway. We have all known each other a long time and know and trust each others husbands/ wives

I supect that if your friendships are different you may take a different viw on things.

[ShellyBoobs]

...but I do think your DH should have told you

Why?

What purpose would it serve?

[SsimTee]

I would never expect anybody to keep anything from their husband/partner if I confided in them. And I would hit the roof if a female friend confided in my husband and told him not to tell me. Many many years ago before I married my husband a female friend of his visited us and after asking to look around the house and going from room to room the two of them carried on chatting (i didn't go with them). When she heard my footsteps approaching though, she lowered her voice. Needless to say that was the end of my husband's friendship with her. I made sure of that

[WafflyVersatile]

My guess is that this woman has sensed the OP distancing herself from her and what she would say if she was on this thread is that soured seems to have, well soured, towards her, so she doesn't really feel comfortable with her knowing about such a delicate subject as this terribly secret secret. Theoretically this is a fair point. But it would probably be better to choose another friend if possible.

It's complicated by the fact that it's the husband not the wife. There is more potential to see shit- stirring motives in that instance.

I'm sure whatever it is it is just as eye rolly to the OP and her DP as her previous dramas. The DP is in an awkward situation, just because she is a drama llama and just because it's probably not that interesting doesn't mean he should break her confidence of someone who is a friend regardless of her faults. But the OP knows there is a secret and she is not to know it which is of course irritating, even knowing she'd only roll her eyes as usual.

The only way I can see that doesn't involve major fall out is just to ignore it.

[Sallystyle]

Curlew.. what kind of secret would I share?

It totally depends. If my best friend was suffering with cancer and the worry and sadness was playing on my mind I would tell him. Especially if I was helping her out with appointments and needed extra help with childcare etc.

If a friend was cheating and I was blinded by anger I might go to him for some advice on how to advise her or simply to just offload about how I feel about what she is doing.

If a secret affects me enough to make me want his support I will talk to him. Marriage is about having someone to go to when you need to offload and get support (amongst other things of course) so I am not going to not go to him, but I won't blab just for the sake of blabbing.

I don't have friends who would expect me to keep a big secret from him though either. It would be odd for me to be asked to keep something a secret from him.

I am not betraying friends, if they ask me to keep something a secret I won't promise to keep it a secret from my husband and then they can choose.

At this point I am just saying the same thing over and over.

I respect the other view totally and think it's even commendable but I won't promise to do the same.

[Fakebook]

This thread just seems to be going around in circles with everyone repeating themselves over and again because some people don't seem to understand that married couples may or may not discuss their friends problems between themselves.

Curlew, countless times people have said that nothing is passed on to dh's and dw's as juicy gossip. I most certainly don't, because I don't thrive on other people's misfortune, especially friends. I don't even know who made that juicy gossip comment or where it is, but you seem to have latched on to it and don't want to understand in which circumstances a DH and DW may discuss their friend's problems.

I think it's a really strange thing for people to get worked up about, but like JamieandtheMagicTorch, my friends all know my DH and all of dh's friends know me and there is a level of trust that has been built over the years. So I agree completely with her; it depends on what kind of friendships you have.

[cosydressinggown]

I think it's the asking that is rude. She asked him to keep something from you. Whether he is the kind of bloke or you are the kind of couple who do or do not keep secrets is up to you, but it is not for her to dictate that a man must keep a secret from his wife.

She sounds like a royal fucking pain, too.

[chirpchirp]

This woman is a drama queen, it's one of the first things you say. All she is trying to do is drag you into her drama by creating ill feeling between you and your DH, causing tension.

I wouldn't run home and tell my DH a secret that a friend had told me but if he asked me directly what had been discussed I wouldn't lie to him either.

[IneedAsockamnesty]

Someone asked upthread about married people in professional jobs breaching confidentiality.

Unfortunatly yes some of them do in the last 5 years I've had to dismiss 7 staff members for doing it,and not one of them understood why it was wrong!

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

I'm sure there were others but I agree with SoupDragon particularly. I don't understand why some adults find it impossible to support their friends who have asked for confidentiality. What is not to understand about that? It means, "Don't tell anybody else", it's between them and the friend they've told the secret too.

I wouldn't be friends with somebody who gave way so easily to their own selfish feelings of needing to blurt everything to their partner/husband/boyfriend.

This may be unfair but it seems that it's women who have the trouble of keeping their mouths shut. So disappointing.

For the OP though, it seems not so much to be about the 'secret' but a general annoyance with the person who has confided to her husband. He's free to speak with whomever he wants, you know. You don't have a monopoly on him by virtue of wedding ring or anything else. If the relationship with this woman is making your hackles stand up then maybe there's something to that and this is something to take some notice of.

[WafflyVersatile]

I like how it's the friends who might want a bit of privacy who lack understanding, fakebook

[Fakebook]

There's a really easy way to have a bit of privacy. That's keeping schtum. A good friend would understand her/his friend's relationship with their married partners and can choose to withhold information if they really don't want their partner to know. I don't understand why I have to keep repeating this.

[Boomba]

But why do you tell your husband, your friends confidences fakebook?

There is no good reason to do it

[frutilla]

YANBU. He should tell you. It sounds like she's deliberately trying to create an intimate "confidante" thing between them as a ploy. I don't like the sound of it, very manipulative...

[Sallystyle]

Boomba I have explained and many others, why we may want to share a friends confidences.

[Viviennemary]

YANBU. I would never stand for this best friend of the opposite sex business. Though I know many on here think it's perfectly acceptable I don't. This person sounds like trouble.