Is she being unreasonable making this request of my husband?

[Souredstones]

Husband has a female friend who is a complete drama queen, and tbh I find it tiring and so limit my contact with her. Tonight he gets a call from her, clearly about something major, and with the request 'you're the only person I've told, please don't tell anyone, not even Souredstones about it'

Now my automatic inclination whenever anyone says 'you're the only person who knows this don't tell ANYONE' is to call 'bullshitting liar' but I think it's even worse to expect a husband to keep something from his wife. I don't want to know what micro drama is affecting her life, I have no interest in it, I just have issue with her asking my husband to keep a secret from me.

I also take umbridge with him keeping said secret.

Aibu or is she?

[ENormaSnob]

I dont tell dh my friends secrets, but nor do I say, x told me a secret but I cant tell you.

Cos that would just be weird.

[Fakebook]

Because I wouldn't feel comfortable talking to DH about those issues and he wouldn't be comfortable either.

My dh is better at understanding family or financial problems.

It's a lot different when you know what your DH/dw is good at giving advice about.

[Mia4]

I agree it's not a breach of trust if they know upfront Fakebook but personally, I couldn't consider someone who couldn't hold my trust when I needed to to be that great a friend because I'd feel they can't support me when I need them. But each to their own. I suppose it depends on the confidence shared, there are certain friends I don't trust with knowing intimate details about themselves because they can't resist sharing with DPs or otherwise.

I found that out when one told her DP 'in confidence' what she'd been told 'in confidence' from a mutual friend of ours. Her DP then told his best friend 'in confidence' and he had to share with his DP, who tld me as gossip. The poor woman had suffered a miscarriage and hadn't wanted anyone else to know but by the end of it thanks to her friend, her DP sharing and both their big mouths, it went around everyone that she'd had one, that it wasn't the first and the circumstances. It was then to left to myself and another good friend to tell her this person had breached her trust and not to trust again. It also became very clear who cannot be trusted.

[pinkballetflats]

So long as that secret doesn't affect me or my family I couldn't care less. I certain don't expect the father of my child to walk in the door and tell me somethin a friend of his has told him in confidence - male or female.

[FamiliesShareGerms]

So, Fakebook, you would feel comfortable telling your DH that a good friend had told you about the fact she was so short of cash she was selling jewellery she had inherited from her mother, but her father would be mortified if he found out, say, but not that the same friend was also having problems with gallstones?


Each to their own...

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

This has become so dichtomised. There are many variables

I agree with Fakebook

I've been maried for nearly 20 years, so have most of my friends. We know each others husbands. I think most of us assume that a confidence would be shared with our husbands. BUT I don't tell my DH everything my friends tell me. He wouldn't be interested in most of it.

I'd be surprised by, but respect someone asking me to keep something from my DH. But it has only ever happened in circumstances where I think an attempt was being made to manipulate me.

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

By confidence, I don't mean something that the person has explicitely told me not to tell anyone else. I mean an issue such as worries about their child, or a health scare, or about aged parents.

[Loa]

but I think it's even worse to expect a husband to keep something from his wife

I think requiring a spouse to put a friendship above their relationship to their other half is bloody odd.

I think once you tell people information what they do with it is out of your hands and you have to trust their judgment.

If you want it kept confidential but they chose to tell their other half as long as long as you never know - then you can't stop them really.

I probably wouldn't tell my DH everything - but I might chose to discuss someone else problem with him - I expect and trust he will keep the whole matter confidential and I'm confident he knows he can expect the same from me.

I'm not going to keep someone else 'secrets' to the determent of my marriage.

I do think its unnecessary drama - and the DH has handled the situation badly - no one forced him to listen or agree to not tell.

[curlew]

"I'm not going to keep someone else 'secrets' to the determent of my marriage."

But what possible impact could you keeping somebody else's confidence have on your marriage? I find this utterly baffling.

What would you all do if you discovered that your dp had been told something in confidence by a friend and he hadn't told you?

[WafflyVersatile]

I'd never ask a friend to put our friendship above their marriage. And I wouldn't ask a friend to keep a secret that was detrimental to her marriage. If my secret was detrimental to their marriage then it's probably not just about 'my stuff'.

It of course depends what the secret is. If I've had a one night stand and failed to use a condom again and the guy never rang and I had to take the morning after pill like he said he would and I feel like an idiot then why would my friend go telling her husband when I've made it quite plain that I'd rather he didn't know something that has no effect on his life whatsoever.

If my secret is I've cheated on my partner who is my friend's DH's best mate then that is different. It would be unfair of me to ask or expect my friend to keep that from her husband.


I don't see how being married to someone gives you the right to know all about their friends' business.

[curlew]

But people, are saying that asking half a couple to keep a confidence from the other half is intrinsically bad for the partnership.

Which is deeply, deeply creepy and weird.

[WafflyVersatile]

I know. I don't really get that except as I've said up thread about if a friend told me something and it weighed on me and I needed to talk about for my own sake.

We all have to use our own judgement to a degree on what we pass on but I really don't get the blanket rule of all confidences being passed on.

[Loa]

But what possible impact could you keeping somebody else's confidence have on your marriage? I find this utterly baffling.

Asking me to keep secrets from my DH but doing so in such a way that he knows I've been asked and its making him unhappy - then I'd tell him if he cared - chances are with my DH he wouldn't care - but why let someone else's issues or non issues cause unnecessarily drama between us.

Another example is if someone gave me to information about something that could adversely affect my DH but then told me not to tell him. I know someone who had this happen.

In both cases its someone asking you to value and your relationship to them over the relationship with your spouse.

[Nagoo]

I know things DH doesn't.

They are not about him.

But if someone told me something on the phone like in the OP I'd shrug and look disinterested. I think the DH is more drama-llama-y than the female friend. I wouldn't be going 'I know a secret and I'm not telling you'. That's ridiculous! You are not children!

[Loa]

I really don't get the blanket rule of all confidences being passed on

I'm not saying I'd automatically tell my DH anything or that he'd be bothered either way - he trust me and my judgment.


However if he was unhappy about it as OP is - and she only is because other persons basically asked her DH in front of her not to tell her which is the only reason she's bothered - I'd tell or say a small amount so my spouse wasn't upset as my spouse is more important to me than any other relationship especially with a 'friend' like this.

I'd also be annoyed at 'friend' putting me in that position and discourage any further confidences.

[motherinferior]

I suppose it also depends on how much your friends mean to you. I love and trust mine and we have a relationship that is separate from my relationship with my partner. If you've just fetishised that couple relationship above everything else I suppose the idea of confidences and trust isn't as important to you.

[Thurlow]

curlew But people, are saying that asking half a couple to keep a confidence from the other half is intrinsically bad for the partnership. Which is deeply, deeply creepy and weird.

Exactly.

How do posters who say their friends know they would tell their DH know that their friend know this? Have they had a conversation that literally went "it doesn't matter what people tell me, I always tell DH"? Because if one of my friends had told me that, and I then had something to confide which I didn't want anyone else to know, I sure as hell wouldn't be telling that friend.

[MrsCampbellBlack]

I keep confidences and don't share them with my DH because as others have said they're not my secrets.

But 2 things strike me, the fact that she sounds a very tricksy friend and why on earth your DH told you he was keeping the secret - I'd find that really annoying to be honest.

[LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance]

The point is that if someone is going to ask you to keep a confidence, they should get your agreement to do so before spilling their guts so you can choose. Telling you something and then swearing you to secrecy is a bit of a hijacking - and bad friendship manners.

[ShellyBoobs]

YABVU.

I'm staggered that so many people think it's totally normal and acceptable to betray someone's confidence by blabbing to their DH.

It's digusting actually.

Do so many women really cease to exist as an individual when they marry? No wonder people who really should LTB don't; they can't imagine a life not joined at the hip to someone.

My OH doesn't know about loads of things my friends have told me over the years. Why should he?

In the same way, I have no doubt that there's loads I don't know about his friends and their issues. I would hate for each of us to know everything the other has ever been told in confidence.

There's just no need at all, other than for sheer bloody-minded noseyness.

[Thurlow]

Shelley, they are possibly the same sort of people who refer to themselves and their spouse as "two halves of one whole."

I actually had a friend say this to me - followed by the line "because that's what getting married does to you." Bearing in mind she had been with her DH for a total of 3 years, I had been with DP for 10...

[motherinferior]

I know something about a mutual friend that DP doesn't. He doesn't know because I was sworn to secrecy. It has nothing to do with him but he'd be intrigued to know. There is no way I would dream of telling him . It's not my secret.

[motherinferior]

And I also never told an ex some quite significant but private stuff about a mutual friend whom he'd known much much longer than I had.

[WafflyVersatile]

If someone tells you a secret that it is unreasonable for you to keep then it's not really going to make a difference whether they try to secure your confidence before or after.

I've just killed your DP's mum. Don't tell him!
Um.

I've got a secret promise you won't tell?
Depends what is it?
Can't tell unless you promise.
ok I promise.
I've just killed your DP's mum.
Um.

[Sallystyle]

Just because I would tell my husband a secret that is weighing on my mind doesn't mean I am not an individual or joined at the hip. Not true at all.

If someone tells me a secret and I feel the need to talk it through with my husband I will. My friends know me well enough to know this is the case.

However, I put this question to my husband and he disagreed with me said he would definitely honour his friends wishes and deal with any burden it may cause by himself. So we don't agree on this one.