Is she being unreasonable making this request of my husband?

[Souredstones]

Husband has a female friend who is a complete drama queen, and tbh I find it tiring and so limit my contact with her. Tonight he gets a call from her, clearly about something major, and with the request 'you're the only person I've told, please don't tell anyone, not even Souredstones about it'

Now my automatic inclination whenever anyone says 'you're the only person who knows this don't tell ANYONE' is to call 'bullshitting liar' but I think it's even worse to expect a husband to keep something from his wife. I don't want to know what micro drama is affecting her life, I have no interest in it, I just have issue with her asking my husband to keep a secret from me.

I also take umbridge with him keeping said secret.

Aibu or is she?

[Scruffey]

Yanbu. I don't tell people stuff that I am not happy for them to tell their spouse. People who outright request others do not tell their spouse have no business doing so. The marriage comes first and a third party creating secrets is not helpful.

[livinginwonderland]

If my friends tell me something in confidence, I don't go and tell DP - it's not my secret or business to tell. It really surprises me that people will blab all their friends secrets to their partners!

[Boomba]

Your dh is not a friend to her. If he is rolling his eyes and scribbling notes whilst she is trying to have a conversation with him about something which is important to her.

If he finds her so trivial/irritating/laughable it doesn't make sense that he is so loyal and insistent on keeping her secret from you

I deduce that your dh is an arsehole

[Thurlow]

Scruffey

I have friends I have known a hell of a lot longer than DP. I love him and our relationship is obviously incredibly important to me, but so are my friendships. I didn't stop being their friend just because I got with DP.

Also, does this not count if you're not actually married

[Boomba]

And what about single people? If the 'secret' is too hard to bear, can they tell their best friend?

[Thurlow]

Actually, I'm going to rephrase what I said because I can't stop thinking about it it's a slow morning here. I think it is awful that people tell their DH/DP's other people's secrets. How long do you need to be with someone before you can tell them these things? Is there a magic cut-off point where you decide to share secrets with them? Do the marriage vows now say "I promise to love, honour and cherish you, and also to tell you things my friends tell me in confidence."

Why on earth does being in a long-term relationship mean that you can become, effectively, a shitter friend than you were before?

(OP, back to your point, it sounds like neither of you like her so you are both being incredibly rude)

[lottiegarbanzo]

You either trust your DH or you don't.

It's her secret, not his and none of your business.

[Lazyjaney]

She has her own DH? IMO then the secret's content is almost irrelevant, this friend is playing games, the only question now is what game.

[motherinferior]

I think a 'friend' who automatically thinks my privacy can be breached by telling her partner is not a friend.

[lottiegarbanzo]

Your DH had the option to say 'no, I won't accept that condition so don't tell me your secret', making clear that he's not in the habit of sharing confidences with you but is not comfortable with the childish divisiveness of making him promise (if that's how he sees it). It's up to him.

[WafflyVersatile]

If this woman is a drama queen then i'm sure she must be a bit of a PITA and it maybe that she enjoys the thought of winding people up but that doesn't change the general principle. But what she said could simply be interpreted as her knowing that spouses talk about what is going on their friends lives to each other and in this instance she doesn't even want him to tell the OP. I'd probably roll my eyes too.

It's very rare that my friends say 'you must not tell anyone' (we understand that friends talk about each others' lives to other friends) but if they did I would try to keep that confidence. And if they didn't I would use my own discretion. But telling me makes it part of my life too and it might be that this confidence worries me or weighs on me. And I don't think it is fair to burden someone then expect them to keep it solely to themselves and possibly cause them stress or worry. In these instances I tend to talk to people who don't know the friend. Maybe it would be a partner if they don't know each other or if I know my partner would be discreet, sympathetic or in possession of good advice, but certainly not if I know my friend wouldn't want him to know. He might be my soulmate and my go to person with my worries etc but that doesn't mean he's that to my friends too. They may not even like him. She may know full well that he has little patience for her anxieties over her relationships etc.

I've never considered 'I tell my husband everything' to mean she tells her husband my everything!

[Lovelygoldboots]

If you have told someone the secret is not secret. I hate these mind games such as what the op is experiencing. She effectively told the secret on the phone in her own home to her dh was there. I think I know when to talk and when not, especially if it was affecting your relationship.

[Lovelygoldboots]

While her dh was there, if that makes any more sense.

[Sallystyle]

Curlow, my friends know me well enough to know that I might tell my husband, yes.

Mind you, I don't have friends who would ask me to keep big secrets from my husband, either.

[curlew]

But why could it possibly be damaging to a marriage to keep somebody else's secret? I just don't understand!

[Sallystyle]

I don't think it is damaging to a marriage to keep a secret, I agree with you there.

I don't think it is fair for someone to burden someone with a really massive secret and then ask them not to share it with their husband/wife.

If someone tells me they are dying of cancer and ask me to keep it a secret I do think that would be unfair on me. I am human too and keeping a massive confidence like that would weigh on me and it would be obvious to my husband that something is wrong and I just couldn't imagine not being able to turn to him for comfort and think it's unfair to be asked not to.

Of course most secrets are probably not that serious but that is one example of a secret that I couldn't promise to keep from him.

It isn't about thinking it is damaging, but if I am burdened by a secret he is the first person and the only person I would go to. I also know that it would go no further so I don't see any harm in turning to him.

[curlew]

I am so glad that more people have emerged who understand what keeping a confidence" means. And who don't think of a friend's confidences as "juicy gossip".

[Inertia]

I'm beginning to think that the divulging of secrets is a bit of a red herring here. It sounds as though the friend may be looking for reasons to drive a wedge between OP and her husband.

Based on the apparently not-wholly-sympathetic response of OP's husband, in future he might be better off in future saying that he isn't comfortable with keeping secrets, and it would be better for her to confide in her own husband, or another friend .

[Sallystyle]

Juicy gossip?

I certainly wouldn't go to my husband with something just to gossip. My friends aren't gossip fodder.

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

YANBU

I would be miffed to be asked to keep a secret from my DH because I think to ask this is often done to manipulate and form an unhealthy bond. IN the past if someone has asked me to do this I've said - don't tell me then because I don't keep secrets from my DH

I think I'm capable of judging when it's not necessary to tell my DH something, but it has rarely arisen

[Baabaapinksheep]

What about people who don't have a dh/dp? Can they then tell a friend/family member if the secret is too much to bear on their own? And can that person then tell their dh/dp? This is how confidences get broken and gossip starts.

How is telling your dh/dp any different to telling anyone else that you are close to?

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

Samu

I agree.

I don't gossip with my DH, I gain support or advice.

[curlew]

That's what somebody down the thread said. Horrid.

A confidence is a confidence. It might be hard to keep- but tough. Has to be done.

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

Baabaa


I trust my DH in a way I don't trust anyone else

[curlew]

"I don't gossip with my DH, I gain support or advice."

But doing this without the consent of the person whose secret it is is breaking a confidence. Telling your dp is no different from telling anyone else.