To think, actually, WOH gets harder as they get older.

[Tournament]

I've worked (at least p-t) all my life. It was a choice for me, I wanted to get out to work, keep my career etc, although I did very much step back for a while, I always kept my hand in IYSWIM.

When DC were tiny, there was always some feeling of guilt at not always being there, but the day to day practicalities were easy. You got them up and dressed, bundled them in the car, handed them over to GP, childminder or nursery and then it was someone else's job to do everything for them until it was practically bedtime. They were cared for, fed and entertained without me ever really having to do anything. (When I was at work). I'd collect on my way home, take them home and put them to bed.

Now they're 9 & 11, there's homework to supervise, clubs to organise, taxi services to provide, sports and school events to watch (or to have to explain you can't) friendship issues or other worries to listen to and if I'm not around after school, they can't have friends back and they can't go to other's houses.

[DontmindifIdo]

IfNotNowThenWhen - i can only work now because I'm not single! I can only do one of the nursery runs, so DH does pick up. However, realistically, after DC2 comes along and DS is at school, as my earning potential is less than half DHs, it doesn't make sense for us financially if one of us is going to make the call to be at home that it's me. Even if we did what some did here of us both going part time, the loss from his wage wouldn't touch the increased income from not paying out childcare.

But even if you are spliting drop offs and pick ups between you, the simple fact is that anything after pre-school age where you drop at one location, pick up at that location, you already had every working day covered (not just term time ones and having to sort round holidays), you can pick a nursery/childminder that fits in with your work commute (not having to think about how close it is to another location, ie the school for school runs to be possible), is just a lot lot harder logistically. (That's before you even factor in that you will have to say no to more clubs/sports etc if your childcare solution is anything other than a nanny who can do the running round for you).

If those tricker logistics are split between two people, great, but that doesn't change that it's harder than before.

The actual parenting might be easier and more fun, and the costs lower, but looking at it as someone who's going to be moving from one to the other shortly, it just looks like the planning and the potential for things going wrong as sooooo much worse once they are school age.

[arcticwaffle]

Ifnotnowthenwhen, I have a DP and he does half the drop-offs, pick-ups, emergency and holiday days, activity chauffeuring etc. It does make it a lot easier, it halves the logistical problems.

[Clayhanger]

I would say older kids are less tricky since they can take the bus (we live in London so no lifts needed- really glad we never moved to the country). Actually I have adored the teen years. It's madly busy and occasionally you drop the ball but it's been great. I've always worked and the upside is that I am senior enough simply to take the odd hour off when I need to, and we've also had au pairs in the spare room for years. So it's not all bad! I don't mourn the toddler years particularly.
And I love that my dc still need me emotionally, want to talk through friendship issues and so on. Before you know it they're going off to uni :(

[girliefriend]

YANBU although I don't feel as guilty about leaving dd now age 7yo as I did when she was younger I still can't imagine working f/t.

Am dreading the age 10 - 12 as God knows what I will do for childcare, she has already outgrown the cm to a certain extent and hates the after school club so

[peteypiranha]

Dontmindifyoudo - Most parents just drop off to one location even when they are older thats either school clubs or a private club. It doesnt make any difference to nursery for any of the parents I know. Its not stressful at all thats what people pay the clubs for to do the ferrying around, homework, meals etc.

[BlackholesAndRevelations]

Ah I see, arctic!

Of my two brothers, one walked home by himself when he was about 9 (I was in secondary so walked home myself anyway) and the youngest one could barely be trusted to walk to school til about year 9! Everyone's different hope mine can be independent if I ever let them

[Wuldric]

It doesn't get any easier, does it?

[funnyperson]

If I'm really honest the key need of the children in their teenage years was for a reliable 24/7 chauffeur.

[mam29]

I am currently sahm mum but did work and used nursery 8-6.

but since dd1 started school often pondered on how hard must be.

They did a breckfast club at 8am
some parents said that was too late.

They did after school club bu was £7.50 for 3.15-only until 5.30
which most parents said was too early so used childminders.

There communication wasent great often potices on classroom windows I missed.

Things that went in bookbags that if said child hadent put it in her draw and lost it.

In recepetion year we must have had 30party invites as 45intake and sometimes 2parties on one day.

There were so many day events

end of term mass
buddy lunch
meet and greet with teacher
nativity only daytime
again mini beast play in afternoon.

husband works a lot of hours , no family support so its very hectic.

she did a few out school clubs

3 in total.

holidays there was outside provider that ran 1weeks out of 6weeks in summer hols and odd weeks but never full amount of time.

They have least 16weeks off a year and average worker only gets 6weeks holday leave.
inset days never totally set at start of year and can be odd days.

we since moved schools.

good thing is

they use text and communication good
they offer day and evening nativity.
they have lots of after school activity clubs but dont offer childcare and all clubs stop at 4.15 or 4.30.

bad news is the clubs can stop radomly and get text its raining so need to pick up your child

or teachers too busy term 6 yet needed after school club 2day a week as have 2schools 1.2miles apart by foot.

I think private schools do offer better package for working parents.
State uk edcation some schools offer some good childcare but its patchy.

I only have 1 in school.

but last school was excessive homework parents with 2+used to say took them ages.

Another mum at nursery had junior, reception and nursery and finding childcare in holidays for all 3age groups huge headache.

[milkybarsrus]

Haven't read all the posts,but, I have to teens 19 and 16 and a 7 year old, my mum used to say little kids, little problems, big kids, big problems, and I think there is some truth in that. I don't have bad teens, but they need me for chats etc at very late hours, and the 7 year old at 6 in the morning! Parenting means there isn't a lot of me time, but, I wouldn't change it for the world.

[working9while5]

My mother worked and I hated being home on my own every day after school. It didn't help my sister was seven years younger than me so no great company, just representative of a list of chores that needed to be done more than anything. My mother was also away most evenings and was a single mother, so it really was very lonely. I would have started around 11 I guess, so had a four year old to look after. After school activities? What were those?

I'd hope to be around if I can manage it. Not every day necessarily, I think the odd day or two to be home alone and make your own snacks and watch TV is good for you. I just wouldn't want to replicate it as it was for me. I'm lucky though, my job is 2.5 days term time only so I am hoping when dc are in school to make this five short days.

[Oxpops]

Well I'm hoping when DC are older my morning won't be like this:

DC1 shouts "mummy" at 6am and I shoot out of bed to her so she doesn't wake DC2(who I spent 2hrs trying to get to sleep the night before and who has woken 6x in the night). I get her some milk to drink and try to occupy her

DC2 wakes 20 minutes later.

I take both downstairs. DC1 wants me to play "schools with her". I try to play for a few minutes but DC2 is calling for me in other room and wants "boobie".

DP emerges and I try to get upstairs to take quick 5 minute shower and get ready for work. DC1 joins me in the bathroom and wants to help but this only slows me down. I ask DP to dress DC but DC1 is determined to stay upstairs.

I go back downstairs and try to make breakfast. DC1 needs a poo.
DC1 instructs me in the various things I need to do in the school game. I am trying to play and make breakfast at same time.

Breakfast is on table. DC1 too busy to eat at moment- lots of cajoling and reminders. DC1 sits down for a few minutes to eat half of breakfast then gets up to play again. DC1 fights with DC2 and both screaming whilst I leave room to make own breakfast. Breaking up of fight and high level diplomacy required.

One child dressed by DP, DP leaves. I eat breakfast whilst playing with DC1 ( I play incorrectly and this causes a sulk, tears or worse).DC2 potters.

At some point DC1 refuses to go to school or get dressed or wear proper shoes.

Finally everyone dressed and ready to leave. Run round trying to brush DC1 hair. Persuade DC1 to take off pink shoes and put school shoes on. Put DC2's shoes and socks back on for the second time.

Wait for DCs to choose a toy to take with them- much procrastinating- just about to leave(ah forgot to brush teeth).

Much encouraging and jivying on way to school (millions of bags, lunchbox hanging off puschair).End up carrying scooter as well.

Deliver one to school then walk half a mile to take other to nursery. Then get on bus to work (Bliss) .Finally get to work 1.5 hours after leaving home.

Surely it HAS to get easier

[PogoBob]

I work, DH is a SAHD and this thread captures the exact reasons I would happily have him not return to work when our youngest starts school.

Obviously I would never stop him from working if he wanted a job outside of home life but as long as he is happy to be the main carer and run the house I will happily provide the financial support. It helps that he has a lot of hobbies that give him to interaction / challenges etc. that people often look to work to provide and we've always had a totally joint approach to finances.

[Pippenguin99]

Wuldric - and most other posts on here - actually I'm going to go completely against the grain and say I think it does get easier, to some extent anyway. My dcs are 6 and 9, tbh we are very laid back about homework but it does get done (just about on time!) and actually they're doing very well at school, and although my two bicker a bit it's so much easier to reason with them than when they were toddlers. I also felt they needed me more when they were younger as very young children need you to "shock absorb" their strong emotions, which is quite (very) draining. Now, they are lovely kids (ok, I may be slightly biased), we have interesting chats and it is soooo lovely to have my lie-ins back! I've been working four days a week, as a childminder so I've been able to be there for my kids, although with other kids in tow, and I'm about to take on a different ft job, although I'm lucky I'll be able to finish at 3 most days.

You have more experience as a parent too when your kids are older, so you kindof roll with the punches more. I would really hate mums of toddlers/babies to read this thread and start panicking! I remember being quite desperate at times for things to improve when my two were going through the tantrumy phase, which I found awful, especially on little sleep! I don't want to count my chickens but, at the mo, things are def better than before.

[Pippenguin99]

Oxpops - I totally remember those days! That's what I meant when I said things DO get better - it's still a bit of a pain getting my two to school in the morning, but they're trained now to get up at reasonable time/have breakfast/do teeth/get dressed/do hair/get bags ready/out the door into car within 45 mins - totally boring routine but it works. Keep the faith.

[morethanpotatoprints]

Oxpops

No you'll be mopping up vomit because they are too pissed to manage it themselves. They'll be sitting on the loo telling you how much they love you, your the best mum ever. This will be their first night out drinking with friends and they won't know when they've had enough. you could have one of them setting fire to the house, refusing to admit they smoke. Friendship problems, romantic emotional stuff. lots of hormones, insecurities.
The worst one for me was having to talk to ds17 last year, when a friend committed suicide. Seeing him go through the upset and grief was heart breaking.
No it doesn't get easier at all. I am a sahm and the emotional support my dc have needed just on a day to day basis grows during and after puberty.

[timidviper]

Mine are grown up now but I really think the teenage years were the most vital for me to be there. I have never for one minute regretted not working full time and forgoing a certain amount of career progression.

[OhLori]

Of course it gets easier, unless you were never there in the first place!

[Oxpops]

Sounds grim Morethanpotatoprints Ah you see I was a very unusual teenager (never smoked, never got pissed, never went out late with friends, suffered emotionally but hid a lot of it from my parents) although my mum probably went through a lot I didn't know about because I was that sort of teenager that didn't have many friends and got bullied etc

I don't know which teenagers I'd prefer really.

Still at least I will be able to speak to my DP in daylight hours without being drowned out by screeching- or perhaps I won't.

[morethanpotatoprints]

Oxpops.

No its not that grim really, just good to be warned I think

I did find that during high school there was a need to bridge gaps in several ways. I'm not suggesting its the same for everyone though. Ds1 school completely missed careers advice, writing cv, interview techniques etc. I spent a long time doing this with him, helping with homework. Not doing it for him but explaining what was required. Ds2 was hard work as only diagnosed with Aspergers at 17, he was the house burner. Not deliberate of course.
The answering back, cheek and suddenly calling their dad mate. Dh was not a happy bunny the first time ds1 called him this. I think poor ds1 can still hear the rant.
The drunkenness was ds1 and only once, he knows I wouldn't stand for it regularly and he was legal.
You sound like you had a really tough time Oxpops, sorry you had to go through this. I think anything that a person feels they missed out on or suffered they somehow make a subconscious decision to make sure it doesn't happen to their dc. My dh was the same and suffered awful emotional physical and financial abuse as a child. He bottled it up too, your dc will be fine because they have you. x

[Oxpops]

morethan Well you sound as if you've given your kids wonderful support and I hope one day they will appreciate that.

My life hasn't been so bad- I had a really good childhood- it was the teenage years that were pretty lonely but I'm thinking that the teenage years are tough for everyone (in different ways),

Thanks for your good wishes!

[Pippenguin99]

Sorry to hear your story Oxpops - that sounds tough. As morethan says, your kids will probably be OK because you'll be aware of emotional issues xx

[Oxpops]

"Still at least I will be able to speak to my DP in daylight hours without being drowned out by screeching- or perhaps I won't."

Meant to clarify I was referring to my two children here who seem unable to let DP and I have any sort of conversation without fighting/singing or drowning us out in any way they can!

Do teenagers let you talk? I'd heard they could be silent and moody and it was quite difficult getting them to talk.

[Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii]

I sometimes think some parents make life hard for themselves by trying to do to much with their kids during the week. The kids don't have to do after school activities and they don't have to have friends over during the week.

[Talkinpeace]

skimmed thread
too much effing martyrdom
yeah, we were latchkey kids and we hated it to we get to be there when we can
but if we have to drop them off early and pick them up late - homework gets done
and with secondary schools and door keys : I come home and check the homework
stop helicopter parenting FFS

kids kicking off : that is what meal times are for : if the adults eat slowly, the kids scarper (Jane Austen sussed that one)