To think, actually, WOH gets harder as they get older.

[Tournament]

I've worked (at least p-t) all my life. It was a choice for me, I wanted to get out to work, keep my career etc, although I did very much step back for a while, I always kept my hand in IYSWIM.

When DC were tiny, there was always some feeling of guilt at not always being there, but the day to day practicalities were easy. You got them up and dressed, bundled them in the car, handed them over to GP, childminder or nursery and then it was someone else's job to do everything for them until it was practically bedtime. They were cared for, fed and entertained without me ever really having to do anything. (When I was at work). I'd collect on my way home, take them home and put them to bed.

Now they're 9 & 11, there's homework to supervise, clubs to organise, taxi services to provide, sports and school events to watch (or to have to explain you can't) friendship issues or other worries to listen to and if I'm not around after school, they can't have friends back and they can't go to other's houses.

[secretscwirrels]

When DS1 was in a pram, 17 years ago, I met an old colleague who had given up work many years earlier (so probably early 1980s before part time contracts were common) ,when she had a family.
She told me it was just as important to be there for them when they were older, if not more. I was .
Mine are 15 and 17 now and she was so right. Family life gets better as they get older and I wouldn't have wanted to miss any of it. I do work a few hours a week but it has never impacted on them.
I now look back at my teenage years with two parents at work and too busy to notice us when they weren't.

[cestlavielife]

i agree. emotional needs need prioritising as they get older. up to six or seven life is quite simple.... a good nanny/chidminder/after school club etc is fine...then they start to question things more, develop their sense of self,have more worries, etcetc...

[KinkyDorito]

Just exhausting. FT work and mum to 2 - one is 14, one is 4. Both come with their own challenges in terms of my time. DD (14) is autistic so not very independent and she had cancer. I feel like my life is a whirlwind of organising and fetching things for people and making sure everyone is where they are meant to be. This is compounded by DH being unable to drive. My house is just horrendous. I don't know why I put myself through it, but I'm main earner and we are trapped into needing the money that comes in from both of us.

I was wondering about advertising an unpaid "internship" for a maid personal assistant.

Sooooo tired. Role on half term!!!!

[Snugglepiggy]

When my DDs were tiny we had planned for me to be a SAHM but the recession of the 90s and collapse of DHs business meant I was back at work full time when the youngest was just a one year old.For a decade I dashed around like a hamster on a wheel juggling a demanding job with shifts and home and the DCs but when the youngest was 11 was fortunate enough to step back and take a few years to be at home for them - and I loved every minute.It was tempting to carry on earning, but I was exhausted and by being more careful financially and having less extravagant holidays than some of our friends we managed.
They are all grown women now,and despite some teenage battlegrounds we have a lovely relationship, them as sisters and me as their mum.They have said several times how they appreciated in hindsight that I/ we were around for them and their hobbies,sports and exam times.Even if it did't seem so at the time.And in hindsight I see how teenagers in particular want to,talk and open up to you when they want and not when it fits into your work schedule.
But as I say I was incredibly lucky to have a choice.I appreciate that.And some of my friends thought I was mad to give up as they got older.I now work harder than ever running my own business from home, but really love the that when they come home I still get to spend time with them,and sometimes they come home in their holidays to help me out when the business is busy,or cover for me if I need time off.Lovely.But everyone is different.

[secretscwirrels]

Snugglepiggy yes exam times. There is a period of consecutive years of exams form the age of 15 to 18, double when you have DCs two years apart. They are stressful and hard work.
I have DS1 doing AS levels just now and while I can't help him with the work he really appreciates me being around to offer support and cook special exam breakfasts.

[Dragonwoman]

You are allowed to say no to after school activities, playdates or school meetings and concerts you know.
If it isn't convenient we just don't do it. We as a family all benefit from having 2 wages coming in, so sometimes sacrifices concerning time have to be made. There is no point in feeling guilty if you are doing your best.
I'm sure fewer people than you think manage to attend every school meeting.

[lemonstartree]

couldnt agree more. Mine are 14,11 and 8. I have to work FT for financial reasons but it is MUCH harder now...

[mizu]

I definitely find it easier now financially and emotionally - when my two DDs were in nursery - albeit an on campus nursery - I was constantly knackered and struggled with work.

Now they are 7 and 8 they do everything together and help me round the house too, they can do loads of stuff themselves. But:

I am P/T (3 and a half days and an evening) and my timetable changes a bit each year so after school club is an issue as there are massive waiting lists for it. I waited over 2 years to get them into Monday after school and will not need it next year but will need Wednesday instead which is not possible...........

Also, they have homework and spelling tests and clubs and they need to be nagged to do stuff.

I am the one who has to fit work around them as DH is out of the house from 4.30am til 4.30pm. I am always the mum racing into the school playground as I have legged it back from work in the minimal amount of time possible.

All in all, I am much happier now, having babies/toddlers is SUCH hard work and my girls now are much more fun now they are a bit more grown up.

[Bumpsadaisie]

Are school aged children really harder than one melodramatic three year old girl and one 18 mth old boy bent on destruction of both self and environment?

Sobs quietly. I thought it was all going to get easier!

Surely you don't have to do more for them? I mean with my two I spend the whole day doing everything little thing for them and clearing up the attendant mess. Surely this has got to get easier when they can feed dress toilet etc themselves.

God I hope so!

[IfNotNowThenWhen]

Um. You cant ALL be single mums. Hardly anyone has mentioned men in all this.
Ok, one womans man is lorry driver. Maybe someone elses works away? But they can't ALL! Why is it just the women stressing about work,kids,school hours,homework, ferrying to rainbows? I am only asking, coz I thought that if you had a man, they might do some of that stuff...( I dont have one, and you all sound like single mums to me). No wonder you are all finding it hard.

[Llareggub]

I am a single mother.

[ManateeEquineOhara]

IfNotNoThenWhen - I am a single mum :)

I agree there is a difficult childcare age, which for me is now. DS is 11 - year 6, and DD is 8 - year 3. DS hated the last year in after school club so now they walk home together after school one or two days a week depending on my work/study commitments. It has actually been okay despite my initial worry.

They are not old enough to stay home in the holidays all day, and they have outgrown the cheaper holiday club, therefore I now have to pay out for the more adventurous and expensve holiday clubs.

Bampsadaisie - You don't necessarily do less but the stuff you do changes I suppose. So rather than feeding them, you have dinner then do homework together. Rather than bathing them you have to have a half hour debate on whether a shower is necessary (DS seems to require this anyway!).

[zamantha]

Junior years are tricky with childcare because you are usually working around afterschool club schedule and when they are sick it is tough. with Young pre-schoolers I had GPs which was mostly wonderful - but oh no it is not harder now - toddlers are so demanding and i never had a full night's sleep.

2 teenagers now and it is just lovely - they need us. DH won't go for promotion to support studies but I agree downthread family life is better.

take heart new mums - it is rosy around the corner.

[amazingmumof6]

bumpadaisie whoever said things gets easier as they grow lied!
small kids small problems, big kids big problems.

yes they can get dressed but they make more mess too! and so on.

I'd rather change a nappy then deal with bullying IYSWIM.

so the phrase you are looking for "things get different! "

[meglet]

I'm a single mum and it's getting much harder. I'm going to have 2 teenagers to keep on the straight and narrow in 8yrs time. I'm not going to work full time until they're at Uni.

[Bumpsadaisie]

Thanks amazingmum

I think I will just move away quietly and have a glass of wine, it is after 6!

Its just dawned on me that my image of what its going to be like having them both at school (them looking cute in their uniform, having nice intellingent chats over a family supper, children doing lots of stimulating activities and loving them, children have a wide and varied social life and being popular not to mention ace at school and cruising through without any difficulties) is perhaps a bit, erm, unrealistic!

[jacks365]

Uni, thats another one. Doing all the open days with dd1 was hard going and impossible if I'd been working. Thankfully I was on maternity leave at the time.

Right now I'm hand holding as one doing gcse and one doing AS lvls yes the toddler is hard work but it's simple and uncomplicated the teenagers stretch me and my skills more.

[wahwah1270]

It is very heartening to read this thread. I too so feel like am missing out on so many school related events now dd is in reception. didnt feel half as guilty knowing she had round the clock care at nursery and that all her friends parents' worked siimlar hours

[MrsSchadenfreude]

I think the first few years, before they go to school, are quite tough. You then get a few years that are relatively problem free - you have after school clubs, au pairs, and little stress. You don't need to turn up to every minor school event and can lie your way out of it "Oh yes of course I was at Harvest Festival - I was behind the pillar in church/behind the vicar's unfeasibly tall sister, that's why you didn't see me."

Then they hit secondary school age. Can you leave them at home for a few hours after school on their own? How long for? Until 6.30 is probably alright, but what if you have to work late or get delayed? And at this age, it does have to be you who goes to watch football/basketball matches (and take them there and bring them home again). And what do you do about school holidays? Too old for school holiday club, so what then?

[secretscwirrels]

Bumpsadaisie older children are not harder than babies and toddlers. There is none of the drudgery and physical drain and tiredness.
They are easier and more rewarding as they get older. The point is though that they still need you, just in different ways and having a parent at home is important to them.

[peteypiranha]

My parents worked full time, and my after schools were a whirlwind of social activities. I was quite popular so never bored or lonely.

I think it depends on how robust your childrens personalities are, and how much they have to do. Nowadays its even better there are so many clubs and activities for teens to do after school I am very jealous!

[BlackholesAndRevelations]

arctic- your children were home alone from the ages of 6 and 8? [shocked]

[IfNotNowThenWhen]

Ah, OK, lots of single mums then!
What about the rest of you though?

I am totally unashamed to say I have one child and he does zero after school/weekend "activities".
We dont have a car, and everything involves needing to drive, or relying on rubbish buses. There just isn't time/energy for swimming club/gymnastics/beavers etc.
I just don't need to make life harder for us than it is.
He doesn't seem bothered.
When he really wants to do something out of school, I will make the effort, but until then, I don't think it's necessary. He goes to tea at friends etc but that's it.
The only thing he going to do that is extra curricular is learn the piano, but that's not optional! (Plus I can teach him.)

[arcticwaffle]

Sorry no I was getting my dds mixed up. The current 13yo and 11yo have been comign home together/alone for 3 yrs. So the younger of those was nearly 9 when she started doing this. She's a very sensible dd and we live in a safe area.

Current 9yo is too dippy and still goes to after school care.

[musicalfamily]

I also remember the younger years as massively hard work, mainly because of the constant bugs, tantrums, sleepless nights and constant tiredness. Also didn't like the guilt of leaving them at nursery and I had children that didn't like being left much. I remember working in a constant daze and feeling exhausted all the time.

Now that I have 3 at school and 1 in preschool is hugely better. They hardly ever get ill and as I have flexibility of working from home it is much easier to continue working in the event one of them is a bit unwell as the 7 and 8 year old are quite happy to lay on the sofa and watch TV/doze etc.. whilst I have my laptop out and work and take calls.

Also I find the time we are together is more pleasurable, you can have a good chat, a laugh, a nice civilized dinner. Yes it is a bit of a logistical nightmare organising clubs/activities/homework/friends for tea but I don't miss the baby/toddler years at all and I definitely don't think it is harder now. Also as a final note, most parents go back to work when the children are at school so there is definitely a social shift in that sense, which helps with the guilt!!