Stay at Home mums

[marilynmonroe]

There is something that has been bothering me for a while about being a stay at home mum.

I decided to stay at home with my kids after my second was born. I enjoyed my job but wanted to be at home with my children. I have (and sometimes still) struggled with this. In the way that people who I meet will find me boring as all I do is look after the kids, clean, cook etc etc.I am an interesting person who reads, keeps up to date with what is going on in the world and I don't just talk about my kids!

Anyway, I'm getting to my point now, my eldest is about to start school in September and all I get asked at the moment is "have you thought what you are going to do next?" "Are you going to go back to work" now this may be due to small talk etc but...

It makes me feel that I should be thinking about doing something else.
But I feel that the kids need me now more than ever when they are at school and what about school holidays etc.

This isn't a thread about what's best, being a stay at home mum or a working mum.

I would like to hear from other mums that didn't go back to work when their kids started school and what they did with their time when they were at school?

I do worry about how i will fill my time when that happens and if I will get bored. Is there anything wrong with not wanting to go back to work and look after your family? Why do women feel that they have to go back to work when they don't need to? I'm in a very lucky situation where I don't need to work for financial reasons although this could change at anytime as my partner is self employed. I don't want to start a discussion about how some women have to work etc etc.

I'm not sure if I am being clear, I have been thinking a lot about this recently. Would like to hear other people's opinions just to make me feel better about my choice I guess. Maybe I'm trying to justify my choice.

Thanks for reading!

[LilyBolero]

Not judging anyone, but please do bear in mind that you will need 30-35 years National insurance contributions to get the state pension. You are covered while the children are small, through child benefit which will give you a credit, but once the kids are over 12 that ceases.

You really don't want to hit your late sixties and not be eligible for the state pension, so make sure that is part of your planning; it's not just about what you can afford now. There are also other benefits that you may not be eligible for because they are contribution based, and CB doesn't count for them. So, even if you go back to work eventually, you may not have built up enough NiCs to qualify for.
National Insurance contributions count towards the following state benefits:
the basic State Pension
the additional State Pension, sometimes called the State Second Pension
Jobseeker's Allowance - the 'contribution-based' element
Employment and Support Allowance - the 'contribution-based' element
Maternity Allowance
bereavement benefits - Bereavement Allowance, Bereavement Payment and Widowed Parent's Allowance
Incapacity Benefit

[LilyBolero]

So just to clarify;
New flat rate pension = £144 a week

If you have fewer than 10 years NiCs you will get nothing.
10-35 years NiCs will be paid pro rata ; ie if you have 20 years, you will get 20/35s of the pension, ie £82 a week

If you have 35+ years, you get the full flat rate (£144).

So suppose you have 2 children, 2 years apart and worked for 5 years before they were born. You will have 5 years from working and 14 years from CB protection, but that will give you 14/35 of the pension, = £58 a week. And as said before, little or no entitlement to many other benefits.

Worth thinking about imo.

[Chipsbigbowl]

Tell everyone you intend to sit on your behind eating Bon Bons and watching Jeremy Kyle. Straight faced. Time to stop caring about the thoughts of strangers I think. HTH :)

[LilyBolero]

Duh, I can't count, my example would give 19/35, about half of the state pension.

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

Lilly

That's useful

[Thingymajigs]

I've been a SAHM for 10 years (not through choice) and I have finally learned to cope with the isolation and boredom. When I was younger I was climbing the walls with frustration but I've since found ways to fill the time. This week I'm redecorating the bathroom and two other projects. I found the key to my sanity was self motivation and learning new skills.
Recently there have been opportunities opening up for me to take on voluntary work and weekend jobs now that my DP can take care of the children when he's not at work. I'm really excited about the possibility of returning to work but also terrified as I've been isolated for so long.
Being a SAHM is not a lazy choice by any means and if its through choice I'd imagine it could be lovely. Its easy to feel judged though. I started to dread the question "so what do you do?". I'd be happy to label myself as anything other than awkwardly mumbling "I stay at home" one more time.

[BegoniaBampot]

I'm at home with no kids. Used to have lots of friends the same so we did stuff together, sports, trips out, lunch etc. Moved and most of the mums work. I do stuff about the house, the shopping, go for walks, have days out, play sport and meet up with friends now and again for lunch. looking at doing some voluntary work hopefully.

[BegoniaBampot]

Oh and Mn and watch some telly as well.

[stripeyjimjams]

This might sound a bit different to your situation, but I think there are similarities. I'm going to finish my PhD in October and am constantly getting asked if I'm going to get a 'real' job afterwards. FWI, i consider my job to be every bit as real as theirs - probably a good bit harder too.

In other words, stick to your guns, be proud of your own choice. If you want to go back to work eventually, I'd say going back to uni for a degree or postgrad when the time is right would be the best way to refresh your cv.

[Yonihadtoask]

I am a SAHM, my DS is 15.

However, I have worked from being a teenager until 2 years ago.

I don't have to work. We havw our own business. I do a bit of admin, DH works very hard, travels and puts in the hours. My 'work' is to keep things running smoothly at home. I don't get bored. I have loads of free time to do whatever I want.

I worked f/t when DS was small as I was LP back then. It didn't seem to harm him having to go to CM and nurseries. As said above, I think that he needs me more now he is older.

Life is short. There is no point in doing something you don't want to if you don't havw to.

[LilyBolero]

Yoni, check your pension entitlement!
(I am a bit obsessed about this as lots of women hit retirement and only then realise they are not entitled to the state pension).

[valiumredhead]

There is nothing wrong with not wanting to go back to work after your youngest child goes back to school. As long as you don't try to pretend your are rushed of your feet, and never have a minute to spare. It's a nice cushy lazy life. And I don't blame anybody for choosing it. But don't try and justify it

You have just illustrated my point perfectly

[Thingymajigs]

Thats helpful, thanks lily. Does anyone know how it works if you receive carers allowance? Is that counted as working or will I be looking at no pension at this point?

[Sheshelob]

Even if I was married to Bill Gates, I would still work. I like working and the thought of pottering around with watercolours and hanging around with ladies that lunch makes me want to blow my own head off.

HTH.

[Fairylea]

Why does everyone assume you have to do lunch and volunteer if you're a sahm? One of the reasons I don't want to work is that I hate being around people all day. I don't want to replace that with more people!

There was a thread about this the other day and most people on there were also anti social like me :)

It's nice to enjoy peace and quiet and spend time doing whatever you like, it doesn't have to involve doing anything particular!

[Yonihadtoask]

Agree fairy.

Am still in my dressing gown, watching the news...

DH works at home a lot, so now and again we go out for a walk, or to the pub., It's fab to have the freedom to do that.

Am quite content not to be crammed in an office with ringing telephones for 37 hours per week anymore.

[wordfactory]

I actually gave up work when my DC went to school. Actually I think I limped thorugh reception, but gave up when they were in year 1.

People were suprised.

The problem was that I had worked part time since they were born and really needed to go back full time. The job wasn't being done properly IMVHO. Plus I had been offered a really great opportunity that would require decent hours to be put in.

DH's career in the meantime had become very demanding and he was travelling a fair bit.

Then there was the issue of school hours! So short! Holidays every pair of plates!

If I was to be able to continue I'd need a live in nanny. And DH and I really din't fancy that. At All!

So I gave up work. Fortunately DH earns silly money and didn't mind carrying on paying into my pension etc.

What did I do? Well first I caught up with everything that had been screaming for attention. Then I did up the house. I joined a gym. I got a dog. I met lots and lots of other SAHMs and we did lots and lots of coffee and lunch.

But in truth, I got bored. I just couldn't imagine this being how my days would pan out into the future. I needed to feel myself part of the world outside the domestic. I was also beginning to dislike how overpoweringly female all my interactions were!

So I started to work from home. And I've done that for seven years. I've built up a successful career from scratch which has mostly allowed me to work around my DC without childcare. Only now have I started to WOH on a part time basis, in addition to my work at home.

I feel so happy and blessed!

[Khaleese]

Some of my fruends are appalled that i don't plan to return to work :-)

One very long conversation about how one would get bored ( teacher) she eventually conceeded that she didn't get bored at all in the six weeks holiday...

You have to do whats right for your family and its only six hours a day. Who can't fill that with cooking, cleaning, washing, gardening, decorating, studying, baking, excercise, reading, friends and hobbies?

It's a much less stressful life for all. My friend with a very good job is constantly frazzled, child gets dropped at school at 8, collected at 6. School holidays are holiday clubs. Child hates after school club. Mum feels guilty. If you don't need to do it why would you?
I want a relaxed family where we have lots of quality time.

[LilyBolero]

Carers allowance should give you a pension credit; worth checking under the new system as well, but I think you should be fine with that.

I'm going to say it once more, and then shut up; it's not just about what you can afford now, it's also about what you will be able to afford in retirement. Even if your dh/partner is earning loads, what if he dies first? What will you live on then? There are far fewer safety nets now, and imo you need to have built up your own 'entitlements'. Otherwise your old age could be really hideously poverty-stricken.

[QuintessentialOHara]

I would not work if we did not have to, and we could afford me being a sahm. Frankly and honestly. I think I am quite lazy. I think that is a quality most sahms share. Lazyness and a love for the good things in life. Time with the children, time to potter, time to lunch, take up a sport, time for friends, time for maybe a course, be it floristry or flowerbinding, or volunteering for a worthy cause. It seems like a perfectly good way of spending your life! All you have to do to get it, is keep the house clean, the children sorted and food on the table, which does not take long and is not rocket science. And to be honest, your children is your ticket to a great social life! So really a win win! If you can afford it.

I have been accused of sahm bashing on other threads, and of course if a woman is posting that she cannot afford toothpaste she is a sahm and her husband not earning enough, then it goes without saying that being a sahm is a luxury the family cant afford and she should find work!

I think the only downside is relinquishing your independence and financial security, to the hands of such a flighty being as a man. It is extreme sport along the same line as base jumping and off piste peak skiing! And yet, to most sahms, being squeezed out of the relationship with a younger/different model their partner/husband met at work/conference come as such a big surprise.

The only thing I can say is, ensure you have financial equality and your name on the car, the mortgage, house deeds, your own savings, pensions etc. But most importantly a will if you are not married so that his parents/siblings cant swoop in and take the house/car/content of bank accounts, etc. Most think "oh that will never happen to us" Well, after several years here, we see, it does.

[C999875]

I believe that every parent is a working parent. As to whether a parent should take an outside job well everyone's circumstances are different.
However as a lone parent I have a absolutly no choice. I have to work whether I want to or not, come hell or high or water. xx

[DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper]

You basically just have to learn not to give a shit. You have one life and the only person you're obliged to please in yourself. And your family.

I have to say though, that I find men who actively prefer their wives/partners (as opposed to support them in the best decision for the family) to be at home, really quite insidious.

[wordfactory]

dondraper I agree.

When I hear a woman say their DH prefers them to be at home, I imagine a man who just wants to hand over the familial duties to his wife. Who could find a man like that attractive?

[mamapants]

I have asked people what they are going to do next. Either because I'm assuming they've gone without financially in order to stay at home as I will. I will hopefully return part time and will not have much money and then when kids are at school will go back to work and kids will be able to do activities and go on hols etc.
Or I've asked in a 'wow what are you going to do with the new free time that will be weird and amazing after years of looking after DC full time'.
No judgment.
Possibly a tiny smidge of jealousy, if my DP earned enough I'd stay home in a heartbeat.
Good luck, enjoy and no one is judging you. You, your partner and your kids are the only people who matter in this scenario.

[HazleNutt]

As long as everybody in the family is happy with the arrangement then it's nobody else's business.

DS1 will be here soon and DH will be a SAHD. I undertand that taking care of babies and toddlers is a full time job and even though DH now works from home, we don't expect him to continue while DS is small.

Once he is in school though, I don't think I would consider it a fair deal if I have to work long days, so he could stay home, read magazines, fill his days with hobbies and post stuff on Pinterest, like has been described and suggested here, to fill the days. Obviously I'm just more greedy and less nice than a lot of husbands.