Stay at Home mums

[marilynmonroe]

There is something that has been bothering me for a while about being a stay at home mum.

I decided to stay at home with my kids after my second was born. I enjoyed my job but wanted to be at home with my children. I have (and sometimes still) struggled with this. In the way that people who I meet will find me boring as all I do is look after the kids, clean, cook etc etc.I am an interesting person who reads, keeps up to date with what is going on in the world and I don't just talk about my kids!

Anyway, I'm getting to my point now, my eldest is about to start school in September and all I get asked at the moment is "have you thought what you are going to do next?" "Are you going to go back to work" now this may be due to small talk etc but...

It makes me feel that I should be thinking about doing something else.
But I feel that the kids need me now more than ever when they are at school and what about school holidays etc.

This isn't a thread about what's best, being a stay at home mum or a working mum.

I would like to hear from other mums that didn't go back to work when their kids started school and what they did with their time when they were at school?

I do worry about how i will fill my time when that happens and if I will get bored. Is there anything wrong with not wanting to go back to work and look after your family? Why do women feel that they have to go back to work when they don't need to? I'm in a very lucky situation where I don't need to work for financial reasons although this could change at anytime as my partner is self employed. I don't want to start a discussion about how some women have to work etc etc.

I'm not sure if I am being clear, I have been thinking a lot about this recently. Would like to hear other people's opinions just to make me feel better about my choice I guess. Maybe I'm trying to justify my choice.

Thanks for reading!

[freddiefrog]

I've had lots of comments thrown at me over the years (my eldest is 11) but have learnt not to give a shit anymore. I don't need to justify myself to anyone other than the people it immediately affects.

I do a few hours, very part time from home and I'm also a foster carer so not allowed to work full time anyway - and apparently that's a cushy life too according to one ex-friend, I'm being paid to stay at home now

I do all sorts of stuff with my days and I enjoy it.

DH is happy, the kids are happy, I'm happy, why should I have to work full time if I don't need to?

[HiggsBoson]

I do both. Stay at home with D and then do 26ish hours evenings and weekends

I could make all sorts of comments about SAHM being boring etc., but the truth is I am just very of people who have that choice.

[mrsjay]

I do work very part time but meh to them all I don't care what people think I also have a medical condition and I couldnt look after children and work so I chose to be a sahm, I think a lot of people think that if you do decide to be a SAHM then you are loaded that isn't always the case,

OH freddie I heard somebody say that foster care was where the money was at you get paid squillions a week , I found the whole conversation awkward and distasteful as people do not foster children to earn money

[Sallystyle]

I have been a SAHM for 14 years now. I have five children, two with SN's. My youngest starts full time school in Sept and I am now at the stage where I am thinking about my options. I have very little qualifications and want to get into health care so I am starting driving lessons and will do some voluntary work going to peoples homes and caring for them. That is something I could easily fit into my day and if I am good at it I could always get a paid job in that area.

My problem is that I get bloody tired, my children with SN's are hard work and working long hours would not help my stress levels but at the same time I am sick of trying to fill the hours at home. I cook, clean, go to the gym, have appointments etc but I am getting to the stage where I want to be more productive because 14 years of not working is a lot, especially when I had my first child at 18 years old.

[LondonMan]

please do bear in mind that you will need 30-35 years National insurance contributions to get the state pension

If you are not working and not claiming child benefit for a child under 12 it may be worth making voluntary NI contributions.

[dimsum123]

I have never had anyone ask me if I'm going to get a job now children are at school. I have one single childfree friend who does ask me what I'm going to do with my life and I just say I don't know and I'm enjoying it as it is right now.

I think she is asking me because actually she is the one who has no idea what direction her life will take. She is single and childfree involuntarily. Never met the right man and now is too old to have children.

[freddiefrog]

Mrsjay squillions? No. Not even hundreds. We get an allowance which by and large covers a child's expenses.

I love it, but it is challenging and it's hardly 'being paid to sit at home on my arse'

[mrsjay]

IT was between to women apparently they had seen an advert in the paper and it was a good payer ok then ,

[cherrycarpet]

OP - YANBU. Enjoy it would be my advice! If you don't need to and you don't want to, then don't feel you have to go back to work. I've got 4DC and all are now at school. I worked full-time before having kids and always presumed I'd go back to work after DS1 was born. Premature twins (very poorly) quickly followed his birth so all ideas of returning to work had to be put on the back-burner. In the last few years I have done various part-time jobs and last year ended up working 5 days a week (part-time). This was a mistake as I ended up getting ill - partly stress-related as I was trying to juggle too many balls. I'm not working at the moment as my DH is away all week - he loves his job so no resentment from him. To be honest the cost of childcare for 4DC (just for before/after school/holidays) barely makes it worth working part-time and there is no way I would work full-time at this point in my life.

I will return to work at some point but at the moment I'm enjoying being a SAHM. I like my own company and always have a creative project on the go so never get bored. Housework, cooking, shopping and gardening take up the rest of the week - fine by me. Occasionally I'll meet a friend for a cuppa but I'm certainly not in the league of 'ladies who lunch'! We try to leave the weekends free to enjoy ourselves as a family - precious time especially as DH is away during the week. I also volunteer in school one morning a week and often help out on school trips. What I love best is being there for the children at the start and end of the day - helping them with their homework, cooking tea, attending all their plays and assemblies and just chilling out together. I feel lucky to be able to do this.

It's such a personal decision and obviously many people don't have the choice to be a SAHM for financial reasons. We're certainly not that well off but choose not to take expensive holidays, we make do with a 10 year old car etc. so there's a certain level of compromise I guess.

I guess we're influenced by the role models we've had as children. My grandmother was a SAHM (to 3DC) and an artist - she did loads of voluntary work and I always looked up to her especially when my mum died when I was 12 and she was able to fill that gap to some extent. In contrast my mum worked full-time in a high-powered job but was dead by 40. Although I respect her commitment to her career I feel sad that I have very few memories of us just 'doing stuff' together. She was quite stressed most of the time.

To be honest, to my knowledge, I have never been judged for my decision and I couldn't give a toss what other people think as this works for our family. I do have the work-ethic firmly ingrained but I think the 'job' I'm currently doing is immensely valuable. You have to be comfortable with your decision. As I said at the beginning - enjoy it if you can!

[badtasteyoni]

OP if you want to continue to be a SAHM, your partner supports you in that, and you can afford it, then go for it, it's nobody elses' business.

It's not for me for various reasons, but it doesn't bother me at all what somebody else chooses to do - just a thought though - do you think possibly people are just asking if you're going back to work just to make conversation/small talk and aren't actually making judgements anyway?

[Runoutofideas]

I was in your position a couple of years ago. I was happy being a SAHM for 7 years, but to be honest after dd2's first year at school I did start to get a bit bored and look for something to do. (rather than constantly mumsnet or search for holidays on the internet!) DD2 is now in her second year at school.

I ended up registering as a childminder as I felt I was wasting the hours between 9-3 but I still wanted to be able to pick up and drop off my own children at school and be available for school stuff like sports days etc. I only work 2.5 days a week, term time only which works really well for me. I actually feel pride in earning my own money, even though it goes straight into savings as we don't need it for day-to-day living. I didn't really think about my feelings regarding financial dependence until my first few invoices were paid!

I certainly wouldn't judge you for not working though, just t hink about what you would like to do to fill your time.

[Almostfifty]

23 years since I worked for a wage. My DH has always worked away a lot during the week and sorting out childcare would have always been my responsibility. We talked it through and decided I would SAH.

Once my youngest was at playgroup I volunteered in school. I then upped that once he was at school, then went on to do a couple of days. I also do office work in one of the local hospices, in addition to a couple of hours doing other voluntary stuff. Everywhere I volunteer, they are short of volunteers.

We're lucky enough to not need any more money than my DH earns so can't really see the point in going into a job when the way things are suit us perfectly.

[MaryPoppinsBag]

Runoutofideas - I feel the same as you about earning my own money from CM. didn't realise how nice it felt until I started earning again.

My earnings have for the first time ever given us savings in the bank. I hope to be able to squirrel it away as we've lived on one salary for a while.

I am proud of my job and enjoy how it fits in with picking my own children up from school.

I am hoping to get a whole day off when DS2 starts FT school in Sept. and have recently picked up work TTO looking after a baby 8.30-4.30. 4 days starting September (fingers crossed).

[sharpasclaws]

I've been a sahm for 15 years and I think I have been judged for my decision, though my DD has SN so usually it's when people don't realise the extent of her needs. I don't like to elaborate about it, especially to people I don't know well, so they are sometimes left wondering what I do with all my time when she's at school.

I have never 'just' been a sahm though, I've always had interests (creative/performance/sports) or done courses (have done two degrees while DD was growing up), plus some voluntary work and helping out family too, so always had lots of challenges and things going on in my life. I feel lucky that we're financially secure enough so that I don't have to work, and can spend my time doing things that I love, as I know a lot of my f/t working friends would jump at the chance to do the things that I get involved in, but can't commit the time.

[bordellosboheme]

Your only problem here seems to be caring about what others think

[AlvinHallsGroupie]

It seems to me that people asking a mundane question -are you thinking about working,what do you plan to do , has actually made the OP consider what she wants to do ,this is not a bad thing !
It is always a good idea to reconsider things from time to time in your life rather than being fixed on one way only.
If that means you have a think and want to SAH -great but I get fom your OP that you might be considering making some changes.
I should add that I WOH and have a very balanced life but I enjoy the contrast between WOH and leisure time .
That old quote keeps coming up regarding "noone wishes on their deathbed they had worked more"
On my deathbed I will think about what I have given back to society during my working life (midwife) and hopefully how I have raised lovely DC I doubt I will look back and wish I hadnt done it because I reconsider my life /decisions regularily NOW while I can !

[EssexGurl]

I get this too! I worked when my oldest was little as he went to nursery and I could work. I gave up following DD as I couldn't get childcare for DS to work with my working hours. Nursery - great. No ASC at school and the only one locally finished too early for me to get back from the city and collect them both. Nannies/CMs in our area are like gold dust and also a friend is on her third nanny search in as many years, so I'm worried about that.

School and working life DID NOT work for me or my family. Why would my youngest being at school miraculously change that? I intend to get fit, do more voluntary work and do work on the house/garden, whilst supporting my youngest at school and my eldest through his move to secondary. Surely nothing wrong with that.

[chillynose]

My dds are 7.5 and 4
4 year old starts school in september i am a stay at home mum
I work in a supermarket fri night, sat night and all sunday
Hoping to do overtime in the week when she starts school

[TeenAndTween]

I'm a SAHM.

During school hours I:

• help at primary school, listening to readers, school trips etc. I get proactively asked by teachers to help as they know I am competent and available. Not many SAHMs at out school.
  
• am involved in PTA
  
• get all the 'jobs' done so they don't need to be done when children are at home
  
• internet / relax / socialise
  

After school I am therefore available to

• pick up from school every day
  
• help both children with schoolwork. For y9 DD this is still needed, whether it is testing her on French verbs, helping with maths concepts, discussing whether sport is like a religion etc
  
• ferry children to/from any activities, have friends round
  
• keep a reasonably 'child centred' routine, ie we eat when best for the children, not when it fits around my work schedule
  

At weekends, we do family / hobby things, not paperwork, shopping, DIY etc

We are lucky we can afford for me to do this. I had a well paid professional job before we got our children, but I don't miss it.

[rainbowsprite1]

I also do both, I'm a SAHM to school age DD's during the day and work part time evenings & weekends in a local convenience store. During the day I do all the stuff that other people must do in the evenings! This morning I have batch cooked loads of cottage pies, cleaned & tidied

[morethanpotatoprints]

I disagree with people who say its a lazy lifestyle being a sahm because it isn't, even when dc are at school.
Perhaps it is fair to say that there is more freedom, spontaneity etc as things don't always have to be done to a certain deadline or time frame like many working parents have to do.
You can have a day lazing, doing the bare essentials and make up for it the next day. But to say that a sahp is never rushed off their feet is ridiculous. I think when dc are little it can be hard work, as they get older it eases off a bit. When mine were at school I was still doing things for them or that concerned them even though they weren't here. I think if you are a sahm you need a happy balance between domestics and your own time.

[BadRoly]

I haven't read back so it's probably descended into a bun fight by now but anyway...

I have been a sahm since dd1 was born almost 12 years ago. Dc4 starts school in September full time. So I will be properly child free for a decent chunk of time each day!

I did 3 months supply teaching between dc3&4 and hated it. Dh works away and we have no family nearby so I don't think a return to teaching (even if they'd have me) is an option.

I do the books for dh's business and am considering an accountancy course in September with a long term view to being a book keeper. Like you, we don't 'need' the money - any earnings I make will be for luxuries (holidays etc).

I have said I will become a Parent Governor from September and I will continue volunteering in school. I run a Brownie pack too. All of this is to keep me out and about and involved with people.

Purely from seeing other family members try to manage, children starting school seems to make child care harder to juggle with working than before they start school. As we are the fortunate position of not wanting of needing to work, I don't currently see the need to make our lives more difficult/complicated.

[Cakebaker35]

OP I wonder if what you're really saying here is you are surprised how judgemental some people can be about other people's choices? I know I am!

I chose to be a SAHM after having our first DD. I'd worked for a long time in a very demanding and well paid job and was fortunate to be able to save up enough to give up work. I never expected people to question my decision, but they did and continue to. I have had comments from people which have left me pretty speechless saying my DD is missing out by not going to nursery, that I am lucky to have a rich DH who lets me not work ( he isn't and I just saved bloody hard for years), that I must be really bored and desperate for adult company. The list goes on really.

I think most of it is just thoughtlessness, although some not! But I am amazed that people, sadly mainly other Mums, so happily judge other people's choices/situations. To my knowledge I've never questioned anyone's choice to return to work and I wish some people would be equally respectful of the choice to be a SAHM. It is very much like a job in some ways - some good days, some not so good - but definitely not boring or a lazy choice.

So to get to the point! Don't feel bad about what others think - if you are happy with your life as it is then carry on! Sadly there will always be someone out there with an unwanted opinion on what you're doing but sod it and enjoy it. I am sure you will find loads to fill your time with, a chance to take up some new hobbies, meet new people and keep on enjoying life. Have fun.

[sherbetpips]

I am a working mum but I would completely agree with your statement around them needing you when they start school. Yes there will be a gap in the day when they are not there that you could choose to do something useful in - many mums help out at school, do voluntary stuff. Some take advantage and do all the housework, shopping cooking, helping family members out, etc. But they need you at home time, homework, after school activities,etc. I have found it much more difficult being a working mum since he started school than it was when he was in nursery because I am so much more responsible for there time now. Not quite what you were asking but just saying I agree with you, if you dont want to work and dont need to work dont worry about it.

[Decoy]

It's your life and your choice You don't need to justify yourself to anyone, and if people get too pushy then they're probably not your sort of people anyway. Just smile and say you're quite happy the way things are. Then when they say "oooh I could never do that" just say "everyone's different" and change the subject.