Stay at Home mums

[marilynmonroe]

There is something that has been bothering me for a while about being a stay at home mum.

I decided to stay at home with my kids after my second was born. I enjoyed my job but wanted to be at home with my children. I have (and sometimes still) struggled with this. In the way that people who I meet will find me boring as all I do is look after the kids, clean, cook etc etc.I am an interesting person who reads, keeps up to date with what is going on in the world and I don't just talk about my kids!

Anyway, I'm getting to my point now, my eldest is about to start school in September and all I get asked at the moment is "have you thought what you are going to do next?" "Are you going to go back to work" now this may be due to small talk etc but...

It makes me feel that I should be thinking about doing something else.
But I feel that the kids need me now more than ever when they are at school and what about school holidays etc.

This isn't a thread about what's best, being a stay at home mum or a working mum.

I would like to hear from other mums that didn't go back to work when their kids started school and what they did with their time when they were at school?

I do worry about how i will fill my time when that happens and if I will get bored. Is there anything wrong with not wanting to go back to work and look after your family? Why do women feel that they have to go back to work when they don't need to? I'm in a very lucky situation where I don't need to work for financial reasons although this could change at anytime as my partner is self employed. I don't want to start a discussion about how some women have to work etc etc.

I'm not sure if I am being clear, I have been thinking a lot about this recently. Would like to hear other people's opinions just to make me feel better about my choice I guess. Maybe I'm trying to justify my choice.

Thanks for reading!

[greencolorpack]

You could join a gym. You could write a novel. Both things I did when I was a stay at home mum. It was a great time of life. Don't worry about what people think of you. It's your life.

[Iggi101]

Several people have said variations on "my dh doesn't mind what I do, as long as I'm happy".
I'm trying for a moment to imagine what I'd feel if I was working full-time and my dh was at home, with school-age (especially secondary school-age) dcs. I honestly don't think I'd be happy to come home to hear about his art class, time at the gym and lunch with friends.
I'd feel differently if he had all the cupboards organised, made all our own bread, was teaching the dcs french, and taking classes in yoni massage though!
If you have to worry about how you'd fill your days, you should get a job. People are meant to be productive, which could be at home or work, but we all need a purpose.

[mrsjay]

ytou do what you want to do, I dont get the oh now they are at school you must do SOMETHING else, do what you want dont feel guilty or that you have to rush back to work, do what is best for YOU and your family, and I am sure you are interesting ,

[Iggi101]

Though I do think a bit of lazing about at home is fair pay-back if you've had poor sleepers, tantrummers and taken the lion's share of childcare for at least five years!

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

Iggi

Yes, I think that I needed to have, and had the luxury of having, some time to recover - physically and mentally from two DCs close in age.

[morethanpotatoprints]

I am a sahm and also love it too. I think its important not to focus on the home, dc, and dh. Of course you might enjoy/need to do some chores, childcare and cooking. This doesn't have to be your purpose though. Personally I like being involved with projects small, medium and long term. I also have hobbies and interests and sometimes set goals for particular interests, such as pass grade 5 music theory.
I have also done many courses and have gained significant quals whilst being a sahm, not for anything in particular, just for fun.
Sometimes I meet friends, visit family, and I call on the old people in our community and do odd bits of shopping etc.
My dd 9 is now H.ed so I now have a new long term project, but still find time for me. Which I feel is a must if you are long term sahm. I don't feel as though I need to justify my choices to anyone, and if people want to assume that I work or should be at work for an employer I see it as a fault of theirs tbh.

[thebody]

Loved being a SAHM while mine were little but equally loved going back to work when they were older as felt I was contributing financially and it made me a far more confident person.

How can anyone be bored anywhere? Either at home or work? You can always fill your time.

I am giving up Ft work again for a while next week as frankly I need a break. Can't wait, but will go back eventually.

Op its purely your and your partners business how you divide up your work life balance and noone else's.

Tell them to mind business.

[Clayhanger]

You asked why women who don't have to work choose not to be SAHM- simply because work can be enjoyable, challenging and fun. Agree that everyone has to make her own choice. Most of my friends are SAHMs and have had a great time, but now our kids are teenagers some of them are regretting not having some professional fulfilment, so I think it's important never to paint yourself in a corner either way. As for me, I have a pretty senior job but do balance that with home. I'm very happy- don't assume that all WOHMs have to work. Some of us like the independence. Good luck with whatever you decide :)

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

Yes, work can be enjoyable, challenging and fun. Forgot to mention that

[jojane]

I have 2 at school and a 2 year old at home. If I didn't have the 2 year old I would still be able to fill my day
Cleaning, washing etc (never ending in this house) and I would maybe even start ironing!!
Preparing evening meal, baking etc
Would start exercising, swimming etc.
Reading and crafty stuff
Lounge around watching tv :-)
Volunteering at the school (dd desperately wants me too but need to wait til ds2 is in playschool )
Am going to hopefully start up a rainbows pack so that will keep me busy
I have 3 children so there is always some costume to make or stuff to get for projects or school trip to prepare for or dentist/doctor/specialist appointments to attend, birthday party to organise, etc etc

If I worked in the day then I would have to sort out housework, cleaning etc when kids were around, childcare would be expensive, errands such as bank, lost office, dry cleaning, shopping etc would all have to be done on weekend instead of stuff with the kids, kids being I'll/inset days/school holidays would present a childcare juggling act.

I feel that being home even when all 3 are at school will be more beneficial for the family than working a job and paying most of it on childcare before and after school. I do work 2 evenings a week at the moment but kids are going to bed so doesn't really affect them too much and dh is around to look after them even if one is I'll etc which childcare doesn't always cater or.

[QuietOldLadyWhisperingHush]

I am so glad to see this thread! My DD are still young (6 and 20 months) but I do think about the future and what will happen when they are school age. I have spent most of the last 2 years on maternity leave and I adore looking after my girls, so I completely understand why people choose to be SAHP. I am going back to work FT when DD2 is one, but I would like to go PT in a few years once they start school. A few posters already said that their older school age kids need them just as much, and I think I agree with this (but no experience yet so would love to hear more about why...)

[morethanpotatoprints]

QuietOldLady

I think older children need you more because you are there to be fair. However, there is no way my dc could have chosen the activities they did had they attended after school clubs. If you are rich and have a nanny to escort them here there and everywhere it is doable. Another way of looking at it is some parents have to work and have to limit the activities and hobbies their dc choose and don't prioritise them over work. I still read to dd every night she is 9, they still need you emotionally until they leave home. Then of course there are GCSE's A levels, taking them to friends houses etc. If you want to you can become a PA to your dc if you want to take it that far. Personally I have enjoyed every minute supporting my dc, the eldest is now 21 and almost left home. He has 3 jobs, a steady relationship and has worked hard to become qualified in his chosen field. Which just happens to be one of the activities I used to take him to I'm sure others could add their own list. I also gained so much joy doing the school run and we walked come rain or shine.

[IrritatingInfinity]

It is simple; do whatever suits you and whatever works for you and your family. Everyone has a different view on this but only YOU can work out what is best for you. I seriously don't give a monkeys if other people disapprove of me

I had to be a SAHM as we were overseas with my DH's job and I wasn't allowed to work. Fortunately, I didn't mind at all I loved my career but I love not working too. I have never felt the need to do things to impress people but I do keep myself busy with sports, friends, voluntary work, gardening, hobbies, chores and, of course, the kids. I am also good at doing nothing much and just relaxing and enjoying myself.

I think I would have been happy being a working Mum too but, overall, I am glad I have been a SAHM.

Life's what you make it

[AmberSocks]

I think this is more about how you feel about yourself rather than how others make you feel.

NO one can make you feel boring or like you should be doing something else,only you can.you dont need to justify yourself to anyone.

For what its worth,i am a sahm,i have 4 under 6 and another due at Christmas,i do it both because i want to and because now i have so many so young i dont know what id "do" with them all if i had a job!

My husband owns a large company and we have good insurance policies in place should anything bad happen so working isnt something im thinking about doing in the future,but who knows i might change my mind,i just want to enjoy life and spend it with the ones i love,not everyone seeks fulfillment from a job.

[AmberSocks]

plus,i think we all pretend we do things "for the best" but really most of us do what we want to,i know if i had a career i loved when i had ds1 i would of gone back to work,if i felt like i wanted/needed to,i wouldnt sah just because i think its better.

[QuietOldLadyWhisperingHush]

Thanks PotatoPrints

I really want to do the walks to and from school, sounds joyous indeed!

[lalalalalal]

Why is a role for which you are paid of more (non-financial, obv) value than one for which you don't get a pay cheque???

Simply because someone gets paid for what they do doesn't make that role (or them) more important or valid than if they do something for 'free'.

I'm a SAHM but would be bored if that's all I did so I'm also studying part-time and volunteering for some charities. But that's me: I have a 2 sec attention span.. If you're happy being at home for your children, do it. It's no less valid than paid employment.

What's the alternative: you spend your time doing something you dislike, missing out on what you really want to be doing, in order to live up to some assumption of what you 'should' be doing?? What a waste.

[grumpyinthemorning]

I always insisted I would go back to work, I hated being a sahm. Now ds is a bit older I'm starting to change my mind. It's not so mind-numbing any more, and it's nice to have a bit of time to myself for a change. I'm doing a college course atm, so no rush to get back to work!

[catgirl1976]

If you don't have to go back to work and you don't want to - then don't. Don't worry about what anyone else thinks

If you think you will get bored, volunteer, get a pt job doing something you like etc. There's always MN though. And candy crush.. And day time tv. And wandering round the shops.

[cory]

Make sure you think through your pension arrangements.

[MaryPoppinsBag]

My youngest starts school in September, I would love a year off as a SAHM as reward for the sleepless nights etc.

But I'm a Childminder and will have a baby and a 3 year to look after. I am hoping to get one day off to myself to do paperwork which I will enjoy.

I have done SAHM after losing my job after mat leave with DS2. And I've done PT after I had DS1. I think I preferred working 2 days a week after I had DS1 it was a really lovely time of my life. One very placid easy going child. It was bliss. And going out to work refreshed me and made me come home with a let's get it done attitude. Which I find lacking when at home all day.

Each to their own though. If I found myself in a lull with CM it would be nice to be a SAHM again. And I am sure I could find something to do.

[Wishiwasanheiress]

Practical suggestions;

Join a gym (any paid excercise)
Go running (or any free excercise)
WI and any clubs
Volunteer charity shop/schools/libraries etc
Part time work
Learn language/study for pleasure
Pick up hobby

[topcat2001]

I read the OP and thought this will turn into SAHM v WM.

and it did, scottishmummy to the rescue...lol

stay at home and bring your kids up its great.

I have a small part time job, that fits in with school so I don't miss a thing.

Nobody lies on their deathbed thinking '' i wish i spent more time at work''

As for doing stuff either take each day as it comes or set a schedule.

Voluntary work is great because you can tell them at the start you only work term time and give the times you can work. Maybe just say mon and tues 10-2 to start and see how you get on.

[NewAtThisMalarky]

Nothing wrong with wanting to stay at home - I would if I could - as well as working, I am studying and this leaves little time for the other things I'd like to do.

Op, you could make it a moral issue. Tell anyone nosy enough to ask if you are going back to work that as you financially don't need to work, and jobs can be hard to find in the current financial climate, you'd rather not take up a job that could be done by someone that needs the money.

[Wishiwasanheiress]

You also have the elder children's projects/homework/clubs etc.

From my present experience of sahm there really isn't as much time for 'me' as u might be expecting! Don't be too disappointed.....