to admit I find days like today hard

[ilikehomecookedfood]

Wet, miserable Sunday (following on from a wet miserable Saturday) I have not spoken with a soul all weekend I find I reach this point on a Sunday and I feel strange and empty and really, really sad.

I know I'm not being unreasonable - but am I the only one?

[Peenoweeno]

OP, I think I know how you feel. I was in my late twenties/early thirties when I had the same thing, but for me it was Saturday late afternoons and evenings. It sucks.

I just felt like I lacked a family, or rather the in-the-background / take-for-granted presence of other people in the house. It wasn't that I wanted a better social life (as it happens, it was pretty awesome) or a partner and/or children of my own, but that I was stuck between my childhood/parental family set-up, and what I assumed would be my future family set-up. I didn't really know what to do with myself, there was no template for how to organise my life and relationships at that point (for the reasons you give: my friends were all marrying and having children, or moving abroad).

Then I read an article about a women's commune in Amsterdam, and decided that if I didn't end up having a family of my own, that would be how I would live. Independent life, just living with other, like-minded mature women.

Hell, now that I DO have a DH and a DD, the idea is even more tempting .

Beyond a certain age, living alone can be very difficult.

[leobear]

I'm married, we are allowed out, you know!

[ImperialBlether]

I do find that with most married/partnered friends I have to do all the work regarding meeting up etc. They're happy to do it, they don't avoid me(!) but they don't tend to think of suggesting anything. It is different when you have someone to go back home to; I imagine I didn't suggest to single friends that I went round to theirs at the weekend. It's hard to know what it's like unless you're there, I suppose.

[Snazzynewyear]

ilike have you read a novel by Alain de Botton called The Romantic Movement? Starts with the heroine coming home on Sunday evening to find the flat empty, her flatmate has clearly been out all weekend at her boyfriend's, and she sits and eats a bowl of soup on her own and feels really sad and thinks about what a Sunday-eveningish feeling it is.

You can probably guess that she goes on to start a relationship with someone, but it also doesn't prove to be the answer to everything. Anyhow, this isn't a solution either but if you felt at all like reading a book in which for a moment someone has feelings that are kind of like yours, it's worth considering.

[ImperialBlether]

You wouldn't believe how many don't seem to be allowed out on their own, leobear!

[Undertone]

I say harness the 'strange'! Artists and writers are all slightly bananas - they have to be - when I'm really feeling a bit unanchored and woo from too much solo time i give myself a mad creative project which can focus the mind away from just sitting there looking at itself.

It is honestly so weird finding you lot on here. I too enjoy other people's company but sometimes just can't be bothered/resent having to make the effort of conversation. Sometimes coming up with conversational themes or considered replies feels like a series of huge efforts - like a tired horse jumping the fences around the grand national. Just chatting can really wear me out if I'm not in the mood! My mum always thought my taciturny as a child was rudeness.

[ImperialBlether]

I spend a lot of time writing, too, Undertone, and there's always a time when I'm in the middle of it when it seems so much more real than anything else that's going on. Love the idea of the grand national - great image there!

[ilikehomecookedfood]

Yes, I've found many like that! But I do think the issue is that by and large, everyone is pressured as regards free time, and when we have it, it tends to be at the SAME time (weekends) so couples and families obviously grab that time to do coupley and family things. This in turn means that a lot of stuff available to "do" assumes you have a family to do it with.

But yes, living alone, while it has advantages, does have real downsides as well. My social life is okay - not wonderful, but okay, I have friends, I see them, and I do things I enjoy. But that's set against a backdrop of being alone.

[ImperialBlether]

I was with my ex for a long, long time and I found the best parts of socialising would be getting ready together and talking about the night ahead and then coming home together and talking about what had happened. And knowing someone's looking out for you - that's something that just goes when you're on your own.

The other thing I really miss is planning things. I just don't enjoy doing that on my own.

The worst though (christ, I'm going to get maudlin here) is that I don't have anyone to talk to about my memories, about things that happened yesterday or twenty years ago. I feel as though I'm losing them.

Ugh.

[Imscarlet]

Would you rent out a room in your house, being very particular about the type of person you wanted to rent to?

[ilikehomecookedfood]

Imperial, I feel like that. I have found myself thinking about stupid, random stuff today that means nothing and yet it means a great deal as well, somehow.

The truth of it though if I am honest with myself is that they don't matter, because I don't matter (I'm not being maudlin there, but factual: if I died I have friends who would be a bit upset but that's about it.)

[LemonPeculiarJones]

I used to love living alone when I was single. I found it bliss, most of the time.

But it does make you so vulnerable to sudden tidal waves of absolute melancholy. I remember that loneliness so well and it's such a struggle to battle.

I guess that's maybe a part of what you're saying: that all the things you do/could do to keep your life varied and interesting and peopled are an effort, and sometimes a struggle. You want some easy, relaxed company, that's just there, and ok.

I used to do stuff, stay involved, but you go on your own of course. And sometimes have to stand on your own amidst it all. I'd think, "This is just another one of those times when I'm standing alone. That's all."

Just wanted to say I know where you're coming from.

[JessicaBeatriceFletcher]

Think there are several of us feeling very similar thoughts on this one

[LesserOfTwoWeevils]

Another chronic sufferer of same phenomenon here.
There's a brilliant book about loneliness by a Canadian writer called Emily White whose situation was similar: good job, lots of friends, cats.....but she still struggled. I think she has a blog about it too.

[ImperialBlether]

I thought of renting out a room or two, scarlet, but I'd be happier with someone my own age and I doubt anyone my age would be looking for a room in a shared house. That's a great solution when you're in your twenties, though, I think.

[ilikehomecookedfood]

I don't think I'd really want to rent a room out - I think for me, that would be having all the downsides of living with someone without any of the advantages! I did live with my brother once and that was quite nice really as we did our own thing but just knowing he was there was quite comforting.

[Monty27]

Try and make more friends of your ilk? I'm single too, kids grown up, but I have the most wonderful pub nearby and can go in there at any time, I know most people, couples and singles. When I have that lonesome feeling I take a walk down there :)

[ilikehomecookedfood]

That's great Monty, but not very easy to do at all and I imagine with respect if your kids are grown up you are somewhat older than me. I am 33, and my friends have mostly very small children who they obviously cannot leave to go to the pub!

[leobear]

Would you think of confiding in your closest friends? I did this when I was in a similar situation a few years ago, and it turned out they had no idea how isolated I was feeling. It wasn't a "solution" - as you say, there might not be one, but it did mean they invited me over more, and my married female friends often jumped at the chance of a night out followed by a sleepover at mine.

[leobear]

Exactly, Kansas!

[rabbitlady]

op, i think you might need some help for your depression. as usual, i haven't read the whole thread but every time someone makes a response, you want to counter it - like this 'you could join a club'/'i have already joined clubs' and you state that you are 'nothing'. i'm not a medic and wouldn't dream of giving advice but i am a person with experience of depression and i will say in passing - get down to your gp and tell him how you feel.

s/he might say 'get out more'. or s/he might take it more seriously. in the meantime, you need to be walking. round the block is fine, you don't need to buy the boots and head for the hills. walking will help.

[ilikehomecookedfood]

Rabbitlady, the reason for this is because as I said on page 3, (I think?) I don't want solutions, there aren't solutions, it's just a side-effect of a lifestyle. Just as marriage comes with problems, so does being single.

I'm not depressed, thanks for your concern though. I am being honest, albeit brutally so. I am, really, in the scheme of things, very unimportant, as are most of us I suppose.

[ilikehomecookedfood]

But actually, in some ways that highlights the problem. You CAN'T admit to finding wet, lonely Sundays hard, because people start telling you to join clubs, do voluntary work or walk round the block - even when it is tipping down with rain - or that you must be depressed. So I keep my mouth shut, usually because if I'm lonely it must be my fault?

I know people mean well but the above message does come across when people insist on saying what they think you should do.

It was interesting ImperialBlether mentioned Christmas. I spend Christmas alone and I don't DARE tell anybody that!

[MsVestibule]

I don't have anything particularly constructive to add, but just wanted to say I understand how you feel. This was me for about 15 years - I bought a house by myself when I was 19 and although there were times when I had boyfriends, I was alone for a lot of it. I volunteered at a hospice on a Saturday afternoon for a couple of hours, which gave a bit of structure to the weekend, but apart from that, nothing.

My one regret is that I didn't join a hillwalking club in that time - I love walking, I'd have met lots of new people and it would have taken up a fair chunk of the day. I'm not saying you should do that, but please make sure that there's nothing you think you'd like to do, but don't get round to it.

I'm now married with 2 young DCs so don't get the chance to do half the stuff I should have done when I had all those free weekends!