Please, I NEED to know if IABU before I take a stand with my in-laws.

[MyShoofly]

I have posted about this once before several months ago but am waffling?..I will try to be as brief as possible:

My in-laws sold their house about 3 years ago (Canada). They spend about 6 months of the year snow-birding in the US where they own a trailer in a seniors community. The other 6 months they have been splitting their time with various family here in my city and in another province. They cannot stay in the US more than 6 months.

They never used to stay with us but last August they wanted to use our basement for 2 weeks. It morphed into 3 months due to medical appointments (my MIL has MS and my FIL had a minor surgery). They liked our basement and asked if when they come to our city in the future if they can stay with us again. I gather the step-sisters would move the in-laws between their houses if they had other guests which in-laws did not like. The conversation was in passing ? it would hardly count as a conversation?nothing formal. I said it was fine, expecting them to only be around 2-3 weeks here and there.

We asked them to pay us $300 a month last Sept and Oct as they were costing us a fortune in food, water and electric ? they indicated nobody else makes them pay to stay with them and seemed to think $300 steep but agreed.

They started to refer to themselves as ?living? with us and it became clear they intended to be around for much longer than I anticipated. The basement is not self-contained. They use our kitchen and come up to visit. For my taste there is a lack of space and privacy. I found their visit Aug-Oct much too long. I was unhappy and very pregnant. They were crawling all over my very last nerve and it was clear to everyone.

DH and I bickered about their presence. I believe I was very diplomatic about it but my feelings were quite clear. He simply did not see my point of view. If it were up to him they would live with us forever as one big happy family. He spoke to them but basically made it worse ? told them I was hormonal and stressed?.to wait and see how it goes on their next ?visit??that I might enjoy their help while on maternity leave with a toddler and new baby.

While they were gone DH and I spoke about this openly with each other and with DH?s sister who was entirely on my side. I thought he finally could see my point of view and that everything was settled ? that he would speak to them about their long-term living arrangements when they returned.

Now they are back. They have been here almost 2 weeks. This year they intend to stay with us for a total of about 4 months ? half of April, all of May, then Aug-mid October. They are trying to stay in the basement (and avoid me) a bit more. I am trying to be more pleasant and sociable, though I?m afraid I am forever to be thought of as their uptight DIL. I am home on maternity leave so we are around one another a good deal. It?s going fine but my feelings remain the same.

They have changed their driver?s licenses and insurance to our house. They have bought a mini fridge for the basement ? today they advised they want to chip in with us for a new guest room mattress (as if !!). I?ve had yet another argument with DH about it ? he says he spoke to them and they are going to try to maintain this snow-birding thing for another few years and will try to stay at ours for only 2.5-3ish months a year. I gather they were very vague. I told DH he needs to pin them down on the specifics and that I personally think anything over a month is not reasonable ? 2 at the absolute maximum. I told him I need a more specific plan from them. DH thinks this is all fine ? no problem. I am the unreasonable one ? these are his parents after all.

I find them utterly cheeky. If they really ?live? with us then they should offer a substantial financial contribution (it costs us 2000+bills+food to live in this house every month). They should be buying groceries and splitting housework, cooking and maintenance when they are here. As I see it, they don?t want the financial or maintenance responsibility of a house/rental and are just using us to get around paying what the majority of all adults pay ? living expenses. I totally resent it. I don?t think I should have to tell two grown adults that they are overstaying their welcome FFS.

What is too long I guess is the question?? Am I over-reacting here ? would all of you welcome family to stay for months at a time with no end in sight? One month? Two? How about Three months? Where should I draw the line?

Before I put my foot down?please let me know ? AIBU?

[Kiriwawa]

Aargh - I lost my post when the site went down.

Basically it said - these aren't nice people. Nice people don't emotionally blackmail you into housing them for several months of the year for free and then up the emotional ante by changing their licence etc to your home. They are manipulating you and your husband in a very calculating way, however lovely they may seem. And your MIL's MS is just another layer of that.

They are making it your problem that they decided to sell their house. It isn't.

I would be absolutely furious at the total lack of respect they are showing you and your family.

[Bunraku]

YANBU whatsoever.

[Lavenderhoney]

Bunk beds. As your dc will need the basement as a den and for spare beds for kids staying over.

Guest room- futon :)

But seriously- they should have discussed it with you before selling their house and becoming snow birds. Still, I guess they still have money from their house sale, so they can buy another one?

[iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii]

I remember your last thread.

You sound so, amazingly lovely and reasonable. I am sorry you are being put through this. I agree that the In Laws are not actually very nice people.
I am sure a lot of the problem is because you are too nice. I get the impression that you complain 'a little' but that, perhaps, you don't make you feelings clear. Some people need things spelt out to them.
The problem is is that you will have to be the bad guy. I can't see any way around it unless your husband suddenly changes his personality.
I would decide what you think is ok, maybe, a month in the spring and a month in the fall and then tell everyone. You 'will' hurt people's feelings and there will be upset but at least this would end up with everyone knowing where they stand. I would also work out a fairer way to handle the finances.
BTW. Two month would still be VERY excessive
I am afraid you have to be strong. I really feel for you and hope that you can work something out.

[3rdnparty]

NO, is a complete sentence this is your HOME....you choose I wouldn't discuss the money it's more the invasion.....if you wanted to rent out our basement to make money that's different if your dh doesn't tell them maybe you will have to- I would say what you'd say to your own mum that was a friendly but clear way to say it...........

[ImNotCute]

YANBU, my PILs are lovely but there's no way I could spend more than a week at a time with them without the relationship hugely deteriorating.

I sometimes feel like a bitch for not being that keen to spend time with them, but then I remember all the times MIL has moaned to me about her own MIL!

I don't suppose your pil's had such long term house guests when they had a young family did they? How do/ did they get on with their own PILs and might that help them understand the position they're putting you in?

[diddl]

So they sold a house & bought a trailer?

So where's the rest of the money?

Can they use that to buy a flat somewhere?

So they have effectively made themselves homeless for 6months of the year??!!

[MousyMouse]

yanbu
they should pay rent and foot all their bills.
preferably somewhere else.

or could you make the basement self contained and rent it out to someone else?

[diddl]

I'm abroad & my Dad used to stay twice a year at a month a time.

But he was invited to stay-& offered to pay his way & helped with housework!

[DorisIsWaiting]

I think you need to sit down with them and say it is untenable.

They can stay max of 1 month per year. You CAN NOT afford to subidise their lifestyle choice. It is Their GC they are taking that monbey away from.

You also need space as a family. (I'm presuming they didn't have their IL resident when they had small children!)

You need to forget about offending them tey seem to have a hide of leather, so start developing yours!

[fedupofnamechanging]

I get twitchy if my mil is here for a few hours. Hell would freeze over before I let her move in!

It comes down to this - you can either be happy or they can be happy. Given that we are talking about your house, then your right to happiness trumps theirs.

You need to bite the bullet and just say that you hate living with other people and that this is no reflection on them as people, but as an arrangement it just doesn't work for you.

You are worrying an awful lot about hurting the feelings of people who don't have the sensitivity to worry about your feelings. They are pretty selfish people - it's all about what suits them and they are not giving any consideration as to what you want for your own home.

That being the case, I suggest you toughen up a bit and stop putting their wishes above your own.

[Pigsmummy]

Oh dear, I think maybe the $300 per month "rent" has made them feel like they can just decide how long they can stay as they are paying rent. I think that you should say that as your family dynamics has changed you can offer them the rental of your basement for a set time that you are comfortable with. Don't clean up after them, don't cook all their meals, let them look after themselves. Do take advantage of babysitting opportunities.

[EldritchCleavage]

Nice though they may be, I think your in-laws are studiously avoiding some fairly obvious issues: they don't want to face the need to make long-term plans for the inevitable time when travelling to the US etc is no longer possible and they need a (possibly supported) full-time home; they are getting you to subsidise their living costs; they know the arrangement does not suit you (and is more than their other children are prepared to do) but they want to keep on doing it.

My children are still very small, but even now I can't imagine living with them for an extended period when I knew my child and/or the spouse didn't like it.

I think you need to grasp the nettle and tell them clearly but kindly that they have to move on, and in future cannot stay with you for more than whatever period you decide, and when they do stay they must make a fair contribution. If your DH won't tell them, you do it. As people often advise on here, there is no need to justify this to them, just keep reiterating that it does not suit you.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

I remember this from before. I hope your DH backs you up. They sound pretty bull-headed, and ready to plonk themselves down in your life and not budge. This has been brewing so long it must have weighed on your mind ceaselessly. Quite honestly I think it might come down to you telling DH, "It's them or me".

[DeWe]

Could you ask your parents (or sister or other relative your dh doesn't find easy) to send a letter? In the letter they will say that they've decided it would be lovely to come and see you and will be staying in the basement for 2-3 months, and throw in a couple of "I'm sure your dh will drive me to the airport and wait around for two hours while I see my friend who's passing through" type of things.

If your family is local then maybe Great Uncle Henry needs somewhere to stay for a time as he's sold his house and isn't quite frail enough to qualify for the nursing home. Of course he needs help with personal hygene and will expect your dh to do that as he would consider it undignified to he helped by a lady.

Or start brewing wine in the basement, The constant drip while it's brewing is dreadful when you're trying to sleep.

[YellowTulips]

I remember posting on your original thread some time ago. My view hasn't changed one bit.

They made a lifestyle decision to sell their home. They did this without consultation with members of their family.

This is perfectly acceptable up until the point that they expected their family to be impacted by their decision, both financially and with regard to impigning on your privacy.

They do not have an automatic right to "camp out" in your basement for 4 months of the year. Neither should they be be using your address for financial matters - what if they default on a payment, will you be liable?

Quite frankly they need to grow up. They are not teenage kids on a "gap 5 years". They need to stop freeloading and start making arrangements for the future that can be sustained. This means they need a summer base in Canada of their own. If they can't afford this then they need to tailor their plans accordingly to ensure they are able to operate as independent adults.

YANBU and I really feel for you. It seems to me that you HAVE to put your foot down here as their sense of entitlement is without limit and your DH needs to get a grip. This is so far beyond an acceptable arrangement it's laughable.

[Mmmnotsure]

I told him that in his desire to please everyone HE is going to be largely responsible for the breakdown of my relationship with his parents and theirs with me.

And more importantly the breakdown of your relationship with your dh too, I should think.

I have had ils to stay, sometimes for stretches at a time. And it drives me mad. I am the person at home generally, not my dh, and when they are here it is not really my home anymore, iyswim. I feel I can't do exactly what I like or walk around half-dressed, for eg. I honestly don't know how you can do it for so much time every year. It is very different from having your own parents to stay. Does your dh realise this? Presumably he would be equally happy having your parents to stay for the same amount of time, when he was around/on holiday, making it difficult to have other guests/visitors and so on?

If my dh was putting his parents before his wife and children like this, I know what my answer would be. And if he didn't step up and sort it out, he would be living somewhere else (possibly with his own parents).

[inmylife]

The situation is clearly unacceptable and YANBU in the slightest. But I think that one of the problems is that you perhaps have been unclear with your DH about what you want the outcome to be.

Can you cope with the amount of time the in-laws live with you (and as others have pointed out, is likely to increase as they get older and frailer) if they start to contribute significantly more financially? If so, that's the discussion to have with your DH and then together with his parents.

Or is it more that their lack of financial responsibility is only the icing on the cake and that, even if they were to more than cover the expenses they create, you still wouldn't want these extended stays? Then that's another conversation (the one I would be having for sure) with your DH.

He really has to understand that if things stay as they are, not only will your relationship with your in-laws fall apart, but your marriage is going to take a beating as well. If I read your posts accurately I think you are, as so many of us are, a nice person and a people pleaser. We people pleasers don't do well at all in situations where the only alternative to our own stress/anxiety/unhappiness etc is to be seen as the bad guy by other.

You may have to be the bad guy in this situation. If, for whatever reasons in his relationship with his parents, your DH can't present a united front and say that this is a mutual decision, so be it. He will just have to tell his parents that Shoofly wants them out. If this changes/irreparably damages your relationship with the in-laws, well that's the price. The chances of the relationship surviving if they stay are minimal in any case.

[SilverOldie]

I would seriously top myself if a family member unilaterally decided they would live in my home for four months a year. It's totally unacceptable.

Your DH has to man up and if he won't then you must tell them that it's not going to happen, even if that damages your relationship with them. As someone said, NO is a complete sentence.

Don't even talk about limiting the time or increasing what they pay you. If they have the money from the sale of a house they must have sufficient to buy an apartment or even another trailer.

Turning your basement into an office/gym/den/playroom is a great idea.

I wish you luck.

[YellowTulips]

The more I think about this the more angry I get on your behalf.

The simple fact is that your PIL's seem perfectly happy to pollute their relationship with you and strain your relationship with your husband in order to live a lifestyle they plainly cannot afford.

There is no other explanation here. They are probably "self justifying" their selfishness under the guise of "we will help with the childcare", "we will keep ourselves to ourselves in the basement", "its only 4 months of the year" - but the simple fact is that they are forcing you (by stealth) into funding their snowbird dream at great financial and emotional cost.

I would not make ANY improvements to the basement. If you had wanted to convert it and rent it out you would have done so already. Anything you do to make it more comfortable signals an additional level of acquiescence on your part.

I think you need to read the riot act with your DH and get this settled once and for all. Your lack of unity on this is allowing them to continually "chip away" at the boundaries.

[EldritchCleavage]

I agree, Mmmmnotsure.

My DH had to tactfully point out to me that having my parents around for extended visits was not as easy for him as it was for me, and we changed the way those visits happened. He's very fond of my parents, but I'd overlooked the fact that I could just slip back into a very comfortable relationship with them, while he doesn't know them particularly well, so for him it was a case of having two lovely but unfamiliar people in his home.

[Scholes34]

I would suggest what mouseymouse says. What about some basic work to your basement to put in a small kitchen - running water, cooking facilties, fridge - and toilet and shower, to make the place self-contained? It could usefully be rented out to others when they're not around, or even when they want to be around, making you in control.

[Loa]

YANBU - and its slightly worrying that you seem to being made to feel you are.

This situation is putting your relationship with your DH under huge strain and is taking money and potentially security from your DC.

Having things written down - putting in black and white how they are making you feel - and having actual facts and figures can make things harder to ignore and could be one way to get across to your IL the financial issues they are causing you - but I think your are being naive they must either be aware or are deliberate ignoring the issues.

When my DH was a bit wet standing up to his parents - I did it and got through the evil DIL phase. As soon as they realized I couldn't be ignore or shoved aside I got a lot of consideration, thought and respect from them. Plus few years down the line DH can and dose manage his parents so they don't cause issue and things are a lot better for all of us.

You do need to get your DH on side - you need to do this not your SIL or anyone else - then even if he can't stand up to them himself you can at least do that knowing you are on the same page.

ILs seem to be relying on you being a doormat and letting things slow go along and steadily getting worse for you and better for them.

[letseatgrandma]

Agree with those saying you need to deal with it otherwise they'll walk all over you.

If be turning the basement into a junk room!!

Are they there now?

[Loa]

The only issue with converting the basement to a self contained flat is potential for delay - that the OP accepts the ongoing situation because at some point in the future self contained flat will happen while time and money delay that point being any time soon.

The IL seem very good at delaying tactics already.