Please, I NEED to know if IABU before I take a stand with my in-laws.

[MyShoofly]

I have posted about this once before several months ago but am waffling?..I will try to be as brief as possible:

My in-laws sold their house about 3 years ago (Canada). They spend about 6 months of the year snow-birding in the US where they own a trailer in a seniors community. The other 6 months they have been splitting their time with various family here in my city and in another province. They cannot stay in the US more than 6 months.

They never used to stay with us but last August they wanted to use our basement for 2 weeks. It morphed into 3 months due to medical appointments (my MIL has MS and my FIL had a minor surgery). They liked our basement and asked if when they come to our city in the future if they can stay with us again. I gather the step-sisters would move the in-laws between their houses if they had other guests which in-laws did not like. The conversation was in passing ? it would hardly count as a conversation?nothing formal. I said it was fine, expecting them to only be around 2-3 weeks here and there.

We asked them to pay us $300 a month last Sept and Oct as they were costing us a fortune in food, water and electric ? they indicated nobody else makes them pay to stay with them and seemed to think $300 steep but agreed.

They started to refer to themselves as ?living? with us and it became clear they intended to be around for much longer than I anticipated. The basement is not self-contained. They use our kitchen and come up to visit. For my taste there is a lack of space and privacy. I found their visit Aug-Oct much too long. I was unhappy and very pregnant. They were crawling all over my very last nerve and it was clear to everyone.

DH and I bickered about their presence. I believe I was very diplomatic about it but my feelings were quite clear. He simply did not see my point of view. If it were up to him they would live with us forever as one big happy family. He spoke to them but basically made it worse ? told them I was hormonal and stressed?.to wait and see how it goes on their next ?visit??that I might enjoy their help while on maternity leave with a toddler and new baby.

While they were gone DH and I spoke about this openly with each other and with DH?s sister who was entirely on my side. I thought he finally could see my point of view and that everything was settled ? that he would speak to them about their long-term living arrangements when they returned.

Now they are back. They have been here almost 2 weeks. This year they intend to stay with us for a total of about 4 months ? half of April, all of May, then Aug-mid October. They are trying to stay in the basement (and avoid me) a bit more. I am trying to be more pleasant and sociable, though I?m afraid I am forever to be thought of as their uptight DIL. I am home on maternity leave so we are around one another a good deal. It?s going fine but my feelings remain the same.

They have changed their driver?s licenses and insurance to our house. They have bought a mini fridge for the basement ? today they advised they want to chip in with us for a new guest room mattress (as if !!). I?ve had yet another argument with DH about it ? he says he spoke to them and they are going to try to maintain this snow-birding thing for another few years and will try to stay at ours for only 2.5-3ish months a year. I gather they were very vague. I told DH he needs to pin them down on the specifics and that I personally think anything over a month is not reasonable ? 2 at the absolute maximum. I told him I need a more specific plan from them. DH thinks this is all fine ? no problem. I am the unreasonable one ? these are his parents after all.

I find them utterly cheeky. If they really ?live? with us then they should offer a substantial financial contribution (it costs us 2000+bills+food to live in this house every month). They should be buying groceries and splitting housework, cooking and maintenance when they are here. As I see it, they don?t want the financial or maintenance responsibility of a house/rental and are just using us to get around paying what the majority of all adults pay ? living expenses. I totally resent it. I don?t think I should have to tell two grown adults that they are overstaying their welcome FFS.

What is too long I guess is the question?? Am I over-reacting here ? would all of you welcome family to stay for months at a time with no end in sight? One month? Two? How about Three months? Where should I draw the line?

Before I put my foot down?please let me know ? AIBU?

[TheRealFellatio]

Good grief, you poor woman. YANBU AT ALL. how rude and presumptuous of them. I think you really need to force your husband to deal with this - he is being unfair on you. For some people this 2-3 month arrangement might work fine, but it needs to be something you have agreed on happily, not something that is forced upon you by stealth. It seems you've sort of resigned yourself to it for the sake of harmony, but you MUST get them around the table to talk about terms, ground rules, boundaries and finances. Do not be made to feel guilty about doing so.

[lottiegarbanzo]

I remember you from last year. I advised taking them flat-hunting this visit. They wanted to use your address, if not stay, for six months a year didn't they? Did you look into the tax and residency implications?

I think do a breakdown of costs. Not mortgage you'd be paying anyway but actual extra bills and food. Also find out what the going rate for renting the room would be, bills included, plus food. That gives you a higher figure to make the actual cost seem a bargain. Sit them down with figures in front of everyone and be clear and firm.

Can you actually afford it, or not? Is your DH enjoying the idea of appearing successful enough to show such largesse without having considered the implications? Sounds like you'll lose a family holiday, things the DCs really want, savings towards your own pensions or paying off the mortgage faster. Do a few basic sums along those lines and ask him what exactly he is suggesting you sacrifice in their favour.

Your DH needs to recognise that you are his family now and, as the person spending most time in the house, you have the biggest say. If he wants to set up house with his parents that's one thing, he can flat-hunt with them, but he can't have you all in the same house.

[McKayz]

I adore my PILs but I would go crazy of they lived with us. YANBU

[lottiegarbanzo]

Oh and include the cost of a cleaner and cook, if they're not pulling their weight and are creating extra work.

I think I'd be meal planning for your family and being clear at the beginning of each week which meals they are welcome to join you for and which are family only affairs e.g. If you're doing something quick or light to fit around DC activities, or using up leftovers. Can you include a takeaway now and then and ask everyone to pay their way, or even make it known you'd like them to buy this as a reciprocal contribution?

Though, would having them cook for themselves be more hassle than it's worth? Can you leave a couple of meals blank as theirs to cook for everyone and either expect them to shop for those, or to give you a list of ingredients that you bill them for? Easier to charge a flat rate for food but good to get them doing some work.

[Limelight]

Do you know, the thing that's most unfair about all of this is that your DH and ILs are completely ignoring your feelings. The assumption that you're just being uptight and won't notice if they just get sneaked in the backdoor is intolerable and disrespectful.

It's YOUR house. The problem is not with your ILs it's with your DH. You should not be being put in this position. Frankly I'd be suggesting that they go and rent somewhere and that he bloody lives there too!

The argument with your ILs is his to have, not yours. Your wishes are more important than theirs and if he doesn't get that, he is I'm afraid, a bit of a cock.

I'd be furious

[lottiegarbanzo]

Btw did your DH's grandparents live in his family home when he was a child? Where has this expectation come from? When did he share it with you? I think I'd be saying I married him not his parents and the change in relationship is effectively a change to your marriage, without your consent.

[Lavenderhoney]

Well, me and the dc descend on my mil for a couple of months every year, and we don't even speak the same language:). She is very nice though, and I try to be the perfect guest.

It's different in your case- the changing address to you made me !!! Did they even ask? Why couldn't they use a post box?

They must contribute, and if they are planning to be there you could price up the cost of converting ( as suggested by another poster) and say they could pay for it, plus of course bills.

It will be every year, of course it will, and getting longer as they get older. Why didnt they just get a flat somewhere sunny though? By the beach with a spare room? With the money from their house? As they might go through their saving super fast, and still be around but potless and homeless.

[Iteotwawki]

I have the strongest relationship with my DH of anyone I know. Soulmates, "the ones", knew immediately, etc.

His mother lived with us for 4 months when she moved to our area and I think it took about 6 weeks for me to say "if divorcing you is what it takes to get some privacy, then I'll call the lawyer in the morning". The plus for me is that he doesn't like his mother at all so I wasn't alone in feeling grumpy :)

YANBU!

We have now moved into a larger house which does have a self contained guest area (including mini kitchen / external door) so future guests can stay 2-3 months at a time without us all becoming homicidal. I'd suggest to your DH that if he wants his parents to be able to stay for such extended periods, they need to fund a conversion of your basement (with en suite and kitchen at a minimum). It does sound like they want all the benefits of a family home without any of the maintenance / financial responsibility.

[Finola1step]

I remember your last thread well. YANBU now and you were not previously.

Your in laws sound like they are really enjoying their retirement. And what's not to enjoy? Six months of the year in warmer climes, four months with their son and his family, two months visiting other relations. The only tricky bit for them is their DIL.

You are funding their lifestyle. If this continues, four months will turn to six, then eight and before you know it, health problems will dictate that they live with you full time. This can not continue.

Only you can know what you are comfortable with. Two weeks, twice a year? Six weeks in a block? One week? None? Decide what you feel comfortable with and DH will have to go for it. Do not let him talk to them in his own because he has shown that he is not firm enough.

If DH refuses, then he moves into the basement with his parents for the duration of their stay. That will resolve the problem pretty quick I think.

[MummaBubba123]

YANBU
I'd want to talk to them having sat with my husband and agreed that we need to come to a financial agreement about their monetary contribution if living with you more than one calendar month in any year.
Since they're unlikely to go for this, it'll be clear that they're free loading.
My husband is fiercely defensive of his family- even when they are wrong. Tricky.
Say that this would be the only way in which you'd be happy for them to stay and that they can stay for only 3 months / whatever, in any year.

[Slainte]

YANBU - you should say they can stay for 2 weeks max like you would expect from any other holidaymaker. You will need to make that very clear though.

[CheerfulYank]

Yanbu!

2 weeks to month, tops!

[SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker]

I live abroad from my family and as much as I love them to visit I couldn't manage more than a month (3 weeks is usually my limit) without some serious fights. I don't even want my own husband and kids around for a month without a single break. We have 2 1/2 month summer holidays and I plan for my kids to have something to do for a week of half days or a day with friends so I can have a few hours to myself at home or I go batshit crazy, or DH takes the kids down to the beach to give me a break. If anyone I knew moved in for more than a few weeks I would be very unhappy, whether or not they paid their way.

[SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker]

Get DH to ask his friends what they would think if their inlaws (not their parents because they are your in laws) planned to stay with them for months at a time.

Oh and I'd pre-empt the mattress thing, go buy them a new one but make it cheap and not terribly comfortable... not horrid but one you wouldn't like to sleep on all the time, choose it and pay for it and have it delivered as a fait accompli! "I didn't realise the guest mattress was getting on so I bought a new one. Thanks for letting me know"

[Inertia]

You do need to look at whether your insurance policies are invalidated by them staying for such a long time and using your address as their own insurance ; you also need to check your mortgage. They may have restrictions that could work as an escape clause for you.

I would stop letting them dictate when they stay, and I would offer them dates of no more than two weeks at a time, up to say 4 times a year. Or present them with a list of reasonably priced lodgings. You do need to grasp the nettles here, and your DH needs to start putting the needs of you and your family ahead of the freeloading demands of his parents. If they genuinely needed a home and family support it'd be fair enough, but they don't - they want the hotel lifestyle, funded by you.

[Tee2072]

Stop worrying about offending them. They don't worry about offending you.

Tell your husband he either puts his foot down or you will.

[IHateSafeStyle]

They didn't used to stay with you so why now must they be with you the whole time?

[UptheChimney]

Has any of your DH's family read the play, King Lear? Same plot, it didn't end well.

I can't get past the fact that although they stay with you for months they don't buy their own food or do any housework. They behave as if they're overnight guests yet stay for weeks and weeks.

YADNBU

[ChasedByBees]

YANBU I would go insane with this arrangement and I'd be fuming at them changing their address to your house.

[TeWiSavesTheDay]

I think that you may well be stuck with them unfortunately.

Maybe the best way to approach it is to all sit down together. Have a chat about how much it costs to run your home, and that if they intend to live there for 3 months a year a fair share of rent is X, they also need to do various specific chores.

Perhaps if they were pitching in more you'd feel less annoyed?

Really difficult though. I agree that their lifestyle is probably unsustainable and they are taking advantage of you to subsidise them a bit.

[cuillereasoupe]

YA soooo NBU! My ILs are arriving for a month tomorrow and I already want to kill them

[Ledkr]

Ok so just so I can get so angry my head explodes, do they expect you to cook for them or do they just expect you to buy extra food then help themselves? Can you be petty and buy stuff they do t like no luxuries (hide yours)
I have long standing pil issues which have been made better after mumsnetters made me see that in my dh not wanting to say no or upset his parents, he was happy to upset me his wife.
Since I pointed this out to him he felt ashamed and now backs me up.
I have to agree with others in saying I would rather end my marriage than have this situation and I'm not joking.

[Ledkr]

cuillereasoupe
Mine are coming for the weekend and I'm already planning things to get me out of the house and how to get rid of them by Monday.

[Turquoiseblue]

YADNBU

That ate taking extreme liberties. You are not being listened to by either your dh or by your iL s ultimately this situation cannot continue as it will cause breakdown of either your and dh relationship or your and your il relationship.
What strikes me it that clearly you and dh are in a partnership, you must own the house as much as he does - yet you don't get a say????? Insane.
I would consider some form of counciling or changing the relationship between you and dh and redressing the power balance - it surely wouldn't be ok for you to decide to go spend 1/2 your joint savings on something without asking him, or would you invite your relations to stay for 4 months without consulting him??? Actually it might be good if you had some cousins who were planning on visiting for August / September !!!!'
Could you turn the basement into a playroom / home office /

[lottiegarbanzo]

Oh yes, how does it work with their health insurance? What when they get older and more prone to chronic illness, which may prevent them travelling?