Please, I NEED to know if IABU before I take a stand with my in-laws.

[MyShoofly]

I have posted about this once before several months ago but am waffling?..I will try to be as brief as possible:

My in-laws sold their house about 3 years ago (Canada). They spend about 6 months of the year snow-birding in the US where they own a trailer in a seniors community. The other 6 months they have been splitting their time with various family here in my city and in another province. They cannot stay in the US more than 6 months.

They never used to stay with us but last August they wanted to use our basement for 2 weeks. It morphed into 3 months due to medical appointments (my MIL has MS and my FIL had a minor surgery). They liked our basement and asked if when they come to our city in the future if they can stay with us again. I gather the step-sisters would move the in-laws between their houses if they had other guests which in-laws did not like. The conversation was in passing ? it would hardly count as a conversation?nothing formal. I said it was fine, expecting them to only be around 2-3 weeks here and there.

We asked them to pay us $300 a month last Sept and Oct as they were costing us a fortune in food, water and electric ? they indicated nobody else makes them pay to stay with them and seemed to think $300 steep but agreed.

They started to refer to themselves as ?living? with us and it became clear they intended to be around for much longer than I anticipated. The basement is not self-contained. They use our kitchen and come up to visit. For my taste there is a lack of space and privacy. I found their visit Aug-Oct much too long. I was unhappy and very pregnant. They were crawling all over my very last nerve and it was clear to everyone.

DH and I bickered about their presence. I believe I was very diplomatic about it but my feelings were quite clear. He simply did not see my point of view. If it were up to him they would live with us forever as one big happy family. He spoke to them but basically made it worse ? told them I was hormonal and stressed?.to wait and see how it goes on their next ?visit??that I might enjoy their help while on maternity leave with a toddler and new baby.

While they were gone DH and I spoke about this openly with each other and with DH?s sister who was entirely on my side. I thought he finally could see my point of view and that everything was settled ? that he would speak to them about their long-term living arrangements when they returned.

Now they are back. They have been here almost 2 weeks. This year they intend to stay with us for a total of about 4 months ? half of April, all of May, then Aug-mid October. They are trying to stay in the basement (and avoid me) a bit more. I am trying to be more pleasant and sociable, though I?m afraid I am forever to be thought of as their uptight DIL. I am home on maternity leave so we are around one another a good deal. It?s going fine but my feelings remain the same.

They have changed their driver?s licenses and insurance to our house. They have bought a mini fridge for the basement ? today they advised they want to chip in with us for a new guest room mattress (as if !!). I?ve had yet another argument with DH about it ? he says he spoke to them and they are going to try to maintain this snow-birding thing for another few years and will try to stay at ours for only 2.5-3ish months a year. I gather they were very vague. I told DH he needs to pin them down on the specifics and that I personally think anything over a month is not reasonable ? 2 at the absolute maximum. I told him I need a more specific plan from them. DH thinks this is all fine ? no problem. I am the unreasonable one ? these are his parents after all.

I find them utterly cheeky. If they really ?live? with us then they should offer a substantial financial contribution (it costs us 2000+bills+food to live in this house every month). They should be buying groceries and splitting housework, cooking and maintenance when they are here. As I see it, they don?t want the financial or maintenance responsibility of a house/rental and are just using us to get around paying what the majority of all adults pay ? living expenses. I totally resent it. I don?t think I should have to tell two grown adults that they are overstaying their welcome FFS.

What is too long I guess is the question?? Am I over-reacting here ? would all of you welcome family to stay for months at a time with no end in sight? One month? Two? How about Three months? Where should I draw the line?

Before I put my foot down?please let me know ? AIBU?

[StuntGirl]

I remember your last post, you were not being unreasonable then and you're not being unreasonable now!

[WhereYouLeftIt]

I remember your thread OP. YANBU, and frankly I'd consider a month to be an ABSOLUTE limit. And I'd be telling them that myself, because I wouldn't trust your husband to do it. Sorry, but he really doesn't see the need (and that would be a big bone of contention for me). After that, they can go and inflict themselves on their daughters.

[MidniteScribbler]

This needs to be addressed, but don't make it just about the money. If you say that it's costing you x amount per month for them to be living there, it gives them the option of then paying that, and then you're stuck with them. Make it about the inappropriateness of living in your home, the inconvenience to you, the lack of privacy and the loss of use of a part of your home that you need.

[Thumbwitch]

YANBU.

If your DH doesn't want to deal with this situation then I would consider telling him that for them to stay that long, you need the basement to be turned into a self-contained flat. Tell him it needs its own kitchenette and bath/shower room, its own entrance and to be separated off from the rest of the house by a lockable (from both sides) door.

Then charge them a decent rent, since they'll be using your utilities - make sure you're not out of pocket for the bills. They can buy their own food, and only come up into the main house by agreement.

In all fairness, even if you and your ILs were the best of friends this sort of situation would put a strain on your relationship - they are taking the piss, even if they and your DH can't see it. Your SIL obviously can, as can we!

I was told once that if 2 adult women are going to live in the same house, they need their own kitchens - in most cases I believe this to be true.
Maybe telling your DH that your MIL needs her own kitchen might galvanise him into either telling them they can't stay that long, or he might turn it into the self-contained flat as described above.

[MidniteScribbler]

Or turn it in to a self contained flat and rent it out, thereby increasing your own income, and there not being any possibility of the inlaws using it because it will be tenanted.

[Wibblypiglikesbananas]

I didn't see your last thread but these people are beyond cheeky. I'm afraid I'd be adding up the money they were costing me in my head and thinking, well, that's $10,000 that could have gone into the DC's college funds. In fact, looking at it like that makes me quite angry - why are you subsidising them when you have a new baby? This is the time in life when GPs traditionally help out the next generation, not cost you money!

Then there's the privacy thing - I would have hated for the precious first few months of my child's life to be spoilt by other people hanging around, you've put up with enough, get rid of them ASAP!

Something to consider - are you and your DH really compatible if he disregards your feelings to such an extent over such a long period of time? I'd seriously be questionning staying with him if this is how he treats you. The house is half yours, after all!

Final point. I agree with the poster above who talked about making the flat self contained. Do this and then RENT IT OUT! (If you stay with DH.) They can't stay if there's nowhere to stay, can they?! If they question why you've done this, tell them you've been struggling financially, not helped by their extended and costly visits.

[Shellywelly1973]

YANBU!!

Omg...i love my mil but even a week would be enough for me, never mind months!

Put your foot down, they are taking the piss...

[LittleMissLucy]

All the money and privacy and long term issues aside, I think my biggest problem, if I were in your shoes, would be the sneakiness of it all.

Its like they got their foot in the door and then started making changes / assumptions based on the success of that - the licenses, the fridge, the mattress etc.

What you need really, is a family meeting. Can you work out exactly what you're prepared to allow and for how long and then see what their expectations are and try to fit around everyone.

I really believe most of the pressure here is due to the fact it wasn't an up front, clearly agreed scenario.

And YANBU for what its worth. My MIL is 6000 miles away which is exactly where I'd like her to stay.

[Longdistance]

Yanbu at all. It's so cheeky I wouldn't know how to express words for it.

My mil and her dh came to stay with us not long ago for two weeks too long and they didn't contribute either. Her dh kept putting the air conditioning on, which costs a fortune, but he had it on he highest. We've now ended up with a massive electricity bill. When it came to paying for food in restaurants or supermarkets no offers were made.

We've had them stay before, even when we lived in the Uk, and they have been generally good, but this time, they were awful.

My fil came shortly after, and he was brilliant, and wouldn't let us pay for anything, a real contrast.

Your in laws are taking the piss! I think you need your dh to back you up more, as he's not taking your feelings into consideration.

[GoshAnneGorilla]

YANBU!! I say that as someone who loves their MiL.

Time to put your foot down. They have moved in without even discussing it properly with you. Stuff that.

[MyShoofly]

Yes, I know I need to put my foot down. I thought I did last time they were here and it was finally going to be sorted. I am very disappointed that DH is waffling again.

I think when he talks to him they give him a little..."we'll come upstairs less", "we'll shorten our stay".....then our resolve weakens and it feels like we are being mean IYKWIM?

I am being a bit of a coward too....I also want to please everyone - but I don't see a way out of this without offending someone.

[JustinBsMum]

I remember your previous thread.

I would be selling up and moving to a smaller property to be honest. if DH is being such a twonk then that's what I would do. It isn't a prob for him, the old folks dodder about and his life goes on as before. But there is a real risk that one or both of the DILs have some serious health issue - then what will happen???

Everyone cowers from accepting that they will be old and dependent one day (soon in some cases) but that is not the best way forward. Some long term decisions need to be made regarding the oldies and they are absolutely NOT going to make them so either you push this or you get yourself into a position that means you aren't 'the answer'.

Best of luck shoofly.

[FiftyShadesofGreyMatter]

I would be giving your not so dear h an ultimatum. They move out or you and the kids do!

[fortyplus]

Just show dh this thread! Maybe them, too. Not one person is suggesting that yabu. You have the patience of a saint! Haven't your ils heard the quote that 'Visitors, like fish, start to stink after 3 days'?
ONE month per year would be far over and beyond the call of duty in my opinion.

[DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper]

Of, course you are not being unreasonable.

DH (Irish-British) and I (Kiwi) plan to live the swallow lifestyle when we retire following the sun from NZ to London to Galway, but we're already planning for it in our 30s.

We expect to provide our own accommodation and pay for our own living expenses.

Who are these people that think other people owe them a living?! That other people should subsidise them as grown adults?!

I don't understand what goes through people's minds...

I don't want to pay for myself, but I see you paying for yourself AND I expect you to pay for me, too. And I'll do fish-out-of-water expression at you if/when you show that you're not 100% happy with that.

Unfathomable.

[MusicalEndorphins]

Have you thought of ask them to contribute so you can buy a new house with a real in-law suite? Put your money together? Or they could rent something in a nice B&B or small apt. for 5 mouths of the year and visit family the remaining month?

[kickassangel]

I'm really not sure what you can do. Even if you scram and shout they will probably back off for a bit then gradually worm their way back in. Do you own your home? Would you consider moving, or you moving out for a while? It really does sound like either they go or you do, with no in between. Even if dh were totally on your side it would be nearly impossible. It really does seem that they just won't take your feelings into consideration. From your previous thread the other family members have pretty much kicked them out, so now they are coming to you.

It isn't unreasonable for parents to ask their children for some support once they're older, but it is usually done with discussion and agreement, not presented as a fait accompli. What will they do when the health insurance is too much one year, just stay at yours without saying that they aren't going to leave? And why should you pay to convert the basement, as well as financially supporting them?

You need to tell your dh exactly how much this means to you,and exactly how far you will go to escape this. If that means you leaving, then you may need to be prepared to do it. It sounds like he's so used to doing as his parents tell him to, that he genuinely thinks it is better to upset you than risk upsetting them. Ask him if he wants to live with them but not you and the dc? Because he can't have both. Once he has decided, then either he will be onside with you, or not.

Really, ther are only 3 options. 1. You split up.

1. He sees that if he doesn't side with you, you will split up. 3. You grit your teeth and put up with it.

Option 4. You have a rational talk with them, and they behave more reasonably, is NOT happening. You and ALL the family have tried it, but they are ignoring you.

[YouDontWinFriendsWithSalad]

I remember your last thread, I felt sorry for you last time and was wondering how it all turned out.

If it was me I would be giving my DH an ultimatum - PIL stay four weeks of the year or less or I'm leaving. Sorry, I know that that's very extreme but you have told him and told him and he's still putting his parents before you! He sounds like a total pushover. Presumably your PIL aren't broke if they can afford to be 'snow birds'.

Good luck OP.

[MyShoofly]

I really don't get the read that they are being malicious TBF. They seem like nice people who are oblivious to the fact that they might be the problem. That people may not enjoy having them live with them no matter how great they are.

I'm pretty sure that they think I am the problem

This is literally the only bone of contention between DH and I - otherwise we've always had a very solid marriage and partnership.

[MyShoofly]

I wouldn't have to leave DH - he'll ask them to go...that's never really been the issue - it's more that he would resent it and I have wanted to come to a compromise but its not working.

[MariefromStMoritz]

Can't you convert the basement into something else? Like a playroom? Or a gym? Sorry, probably not very helpful. I don't think YABU, by the way.

[MammaTJ]

I remember your previous thread too. YANBU!

Hard one to deal with while keeping family realationships as good as can be though.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

I have a similar set up here. In Canada, basement suite, no family within hundreds or thousands of miles. My parent come for a few weeks. All fine as they help out, look after DD, cook, clean, bugger off all day and also in the evening if we look frazzled. FIL comes up as soon as he hears footsteps even when I tiptoe. Since DD wakes early that means I have him talking at me at 6am. Until bedtime.

DH said when MIL sadly died that his DF could move in. I said it was him or me. I love FIL but he drives me potty.

You need to work out what is reasonable to you. In terms of time, money and contact and present a united front to PIL. I ended up moving someone into the suite.

[JustinBsMum]

It's tricky as I'm not sure what Canadians or North Americans feel they should do for their oldies. I've lived in the US and have been surprised at how independent oldies are expected to be, there is much more angst over looking after them in the UK.
People seem to be better off with larger houses in N Amrerica so perhaps it is expected that you take on elderly rellies, but from what you say about other SILs this isn't the case.

Their finances are an issue, are they able to pay for care in sheltered housing long term? They might need to in the future.
As suggested above, either move somewhere else or convert the basement and let it.

The other thing is to make sure the DH's life is impinged by having them stay. Can you change your life so that he is at home and giving up his time for them?

[thelittlestkiwi]

It may be your only problem with DH but it is a pretty big one if he isn't taking your happiness into consideration.

I think your IL's are using vagueness to get their own way. They are moving in permanently. DO NOT buy a new mattress. In fact, burn it and buy an inflatable. That'll shift them.

YANBU btw. I think you are being very sweet and they are taking advantage. No one should expect to live for free for three months. And $300 a month must barely cover your food bill surely?