to want DP and DD's relationship to change?

[princessj29]

DD is almost 6, DP and I have been together since she was 2. She used to really like him and the three of us got on great and were very happy. DP and I had a baby together 10 months ago and for the past year or so he and DD have been bickering a great deal and I'm really fed up of it and want it to get back to how it used to be. In my opinion, they're both at fault but more so DP - DD is rude to DP and doesn't want to spend any time with him. She is extremely clingy to me, even following me to the toilet rather than staying in a room with him. This morning I needed to do some work so he was taking her to school and she started crying and saying she wanted me to go too, I explained that I needed to work today so I could have a day out to the seaside with her tomorrow and she said she'd rather miss the day at the seaside so I could take her to school. DD loves her baby sister but in my opinion DP causes problems in their relationship. If DP has the baby, he'll bug DD to stop what she's doing and 'help look after' DD2 because DD2 loves DD1 and is very entertained by her. He constantly tells DD1 to hurry along with things because she's 'making DD2 cry' and I don't think DD1 should be made to feel responsible for DD2.

This morning, DD1 came into our bed for cuddles and DD2 blew a raspberry at DP. He said 'oh DD2, you cheeky monkey!' and tickled her so she giggled. DD1 then blew a raspberry at him and he told her off for 'spitting in his face.' I appreciate that a raspberry from a baby is different from one from a 5 year old but he could explain that to her rather than snapping and moaning at her, making her feel rejected in my opinion and starting the day on a sour note. DD1 then came and sat in the bathroom with me while I showered because she didn't want to spend time with him.

I think part of the problem is that DD1 resents DP for not doing enough with DD2 so that DD1 and I can have time alone together. Yesterday, for example, DD1 got sent home from school as she wasn't feeling well. She wanted to curl up on the sofa and read with me like she would've done before we had DD2. I gave DD2 to DP but we'd only read one book before DD2 started fussing and wanting me. Rather than distract her/take her somewhere else to play, DP just sat there waiting for me to take her, then started turning on all her noisy toys so DD1 couldn't hear the story. She asked for a cuddle last night and DD2 started moaning and she said to DP: 'Mummy has DD2 all day every day, can you not just have her for 2 minutes so I can have a cuddle with my Mummy when I'm poorly...!' DP still says he 'doesn't understand' why DD1 has changed towards him but I think she's spelling it out, to be honest.

He wants to do everything as a family, he even follows DD1 and I to the bathroom while we brush her teeth - usually resulting in a baby whinging through it or else hanging off me. When it's just the children and I, DD1 is much happier and accepts that things are different because of DD2 and has no complaints. But when DP is there she gets frustrated that she can't have time with me because I also have DD2. If that makes sense? AIBU to be fed up with this situation and want it to change? Or is it normal for partners and non-biological children to have bickering relationships like this?

[b4bunnies]

following me to the toilet rather than staying in a room with him

child protection alarm bells ringing.

[AnAirOfHope]

Would it not be normal human behaviour to tell D1 its dd2 bedtime go in the other room now pls? If both had a bath i would ask him why he went in that room or why is he following her?

[greenformica]

I think you need to have some one to one time - you with your DD1 and DP with DD2.

HOWEVER you need to take DD1 out of the house OR he needs to take DD2 out of the house to have some one to one time without interruption (soft play. cafe, swimming, picnic, walk etc). He needs to learn to care for D2 on his own.

Your DD1 is obviously desperate for some mummy attention. Talk to DD1. Make an agreement between DP and DD1 - that DP will have special one to one time with both girls if she is polite.

DP also needs some special bonding time with DD1. Maybe he could take her to the park a couple of times a week? He needs to be fun, positive and praise her lots. He needs to make her feel treasured. He shouldn't bicker - he is the adult!

In regards to being rude and horrible, you both should be sent to her room for 6 mins ever time it happens. However DD1 should receive lots of praise when she is being good.

[AnAirOfHope]

Does dd1 ever spend time with your new partner just the two of them?

Such as school run, driving to activities, when you have dr appointments?

I would set up a camra and record him and then let him watch it to show him how he behavious, maybe he doesnt relise it!

(clutches at strews)

[TurnipCake]

Given what I've read this guy shouldn't be allowed near a spoon, let alone special bonding time with a child.

[greenformica]

Agree your DP is the problem here.

[DontstepontheMomeRaths]

I'd make your DP and you read Siblings Without Rivalry and How to talk so your kids will listen, and listen so your kids will talk. Those books will probably give you and him, far more tools to help her.

Things can't go on like this. My DD is almost 6 and alarm bells are ringing as I read about this whole situation. A child therapist is worth it's weight in gold. If things do not improve, consider it. Please.