to want DP and DD's relationship to change?

[princessj29]

DD is almost 6, DP and I have been together since she was 2. She used to really like him and the three of us got on great and were very happy. DP and I had a baby together 10 months ago and for the past year or so he and DD have been bickering a great deal and I'm really fed up of it and want it to get back to how it used to be. In my opinion, they're both at fault but more so DP - DD is rude to DP and doesn't want to spend any time with him. She is extremely clingy to me, even following me to the toilet rather than staying in a room with him. This morning I needed to do some work so he was taking her to school and she started crying and saying she wanted me to go too, I explained that I needed to work today so I could have a day out to the seaside with her tomorrow and she said she'd rather miss the day at the seaside so I could take her to school. DD loves her baby sister but in my opinion DP causes problems in their relationship. If DP has the baby, he'll bug DD to stop what she's doing and 'help look after' DD2 because DD2 loves DD1 and is very entertained by her. He constantly tells DD1 to hurry along with things because she's 'making DD2 cry' and I don't think DD1 should be made to feel responsible for DD2.

This morning, DD1 came into our bed for cuddles and DD2 blew a raspberry at DP. He said 'oh DD2, you cheeky monkey!' and tickled her so she giggled. DD1 then blew a raspberry at him and he told her off for 'spitting in his face.' I appreciate that a raspberry from a baby is different from one from a 5 year old but he could explain that to her rather than snapping and moaning at her, making her feel rejected in my opinion and starting the day on a sour note. DD1 then came and sat in the bathroom with me while I showered because she didn't want to spend time with him.

I think part of the problem is that DD1 resents DP for not doing enough with DD2 so that DD1 and I can have time alone together. Yesterday, for example, DD1 got sent home from school as she wasn't feeling well. She wanted to curl up on the sofa and read with me like she would've done before we had DD2. I gave DD2 to DP but we'd only read one book before DD2 started fussing and wanting me. Rather than distract her/take her somewhere else to play, DP just sat there waiting for me to take her, then started turning on all her noisy toys so DD1 couldn't hear the story. She asked for a cuddle last night and DD2 started moaning and she said to DP: 'Mummy has DD2 all day every day, can you not just have her for 2 minutes so I can have a cuddle with my Mummy when I'm poorly...!' DP still says he 'doesn't understand' why DD1 has changed towards him but I think she's spelling it out, to be honest.

He wants to do everything as a family, he even follows DD1 and I to the bathroom while we brush her teeth - usually resulting in a baby whinging through it or else hanging off me. When it's just the children and I, DD1 is much happier and accepts that things are different because of DD2 and has no complaints. But when DP is there she gets frustrated that she can't have time with me because I also have DD2. If that makes sense? AIBU to be fed up with this situation and want it to change? Or is it normal for partners and non-biological children to have bickering relationships like this?

[olgaga]

I find the bit about not wanting to be alone with him quite worrying actually.

I'm also not sure about He wants to do everything as a family, he even follows DD1 and I to the bathroom while we brush her teeth.

Does he not want you to be alone with her at all?

Why would that be?

[QuintessentialOHara]

Dont you think it is a massive red flat that SHE does not want to be lone with him.
What is she worried about?

Yet HE wont let your dd be alone with you?
What is he worried about?

[BlahBlahBlahhh]

Just popped back to read thread responses....think some of the responses are way over top. Think what Mumsyblouse said is right. What you are experiencing is normal family stuff. My DH can act like a twat at times as can I...doesn't mean he's a bad person...think yours has had a few harsh things thrown at him on this thread which makes him sound terrible. It can be stressful when a new baby comes on the scene and family dynamics change. That's life...just keep giving your DD attention when she needs it and be a bit clearer with DP about needing that time together.

[coppertop]

TBH your dp sounds more like an older teenage brother than a step-parent. Bickering, deliberately upsetting her, and following her around everywhere. As an adult this would irritate me a great deal. I can only imagine how a child with no real power must be feeling.

I think you're focusing far too much on your dd's behaviour and nowhere near enough on your dp's behaviour.

• He's deliberately upsetting her, even if it's being described as a joke. It's not a joke. It's not funny. Your DP needs to stop.
  

• He follows her into the bathroom. Your dd understandably doesn't like it. Your DP needs to stop.
  

• Your dd has told you very clearly that she would like a little time alone with you. Your DP is deliberately sabotaging that. Your DP needs to stop.
  

I don't think it's necessarily rude for her to not include your DP in her list of things and people she loves. She's telling you what she thinks. You expect an almost 6yr-old to have the maturity to not say things that she knows will upset someone else, yet don't seem to expect the same level of consideration from your DP.

[Bobyan]

Is this the same DP who makes very little financial contribution?

Is this the same DD who is being made to share a bed with a ten year old boy she isn't related too, when she visits her dad?

I think you need to start involving outside help here OP, because something is clearly amiss.

[StuntGirl]

Oh, is it really bobyan? Bloody hell, poor little kid :(

[olgaga]

I've just been reading the backstory too.

[whois]

Is this the same DP who makes very little financial contribution?

Is this the same DD who is being made to share a bed with a ten year old boy she isn't related too, when she visits her dad?

I think you need to start involving outside help here OP, because something is clearly amiss

No way! Is this the same poster?

Hopefully OP is attention seeking and the posts aren't true. Otherwise I feel for this little girl. Fucked up home life or what?

[princessj29]

She does not have a fucked up home life, DP not contributing financially has no effect on her and it really irritates when people bring past posts into current threads. Neither of those issues impacts on this one and if I wanted to discuss them, I'd have mentioned them.

I'm not putting blame on DD, I understand she is only tiny, but she does understand what she's saying when she misses him out her of her 'love lists' - she only says it in front of him, she never lists who she loves when it's just DD2 and I she just says 'love you.' She IS doing it purposely to try and get him to say something, which he doesn't. Sometimes, she does start the rudeness first thing like he'll ask what she'd like for breakfast and she'll say: 'I don't want breakfast made by you' or something similar. He then pulls her up on it and therein starts the bickering...

[whois]

She does not have a fucked up home life

Yeah, she does.

She is clearly unhappy or wouldn't be acting out. She's only 6 FFS, she isn't the adult here. Not is DP is seems...

So at your house she is unhappy with the family dynamic, and at her Dads house he has to share a bed with a ten year old boy. Super.

[princessj29]

She is completely 100% happy if it's just me, her and DD2. Unfortunately, that cannot always be the case. She doesn't have to share a bed at her dads, she wants to - I think it's inappropriate. She is unhappy with DP here hence why I'm asking for advice here.

[Bobyan]

Yep op its all her fault and your DP is blameless.

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

[princessj29]

At what point have I ever said it's all DD's fault? I haven't, and it isn't.

[SpecialAgentTattooedQueen]

I hold a special sort of disgust and utter contempt for 'mothers' who put their latest partner before their precious child.

[maddening]

My guess is that dp feels naturally protective of dd2 and dd1 is feeling that. He seems to be jealous of your relationship with dd1 on dd2's behalf and dd1 is feeling that dp doesn't love her as he does dd2.

I think dp has a lot of ground work to do.

[Marcheline]

You say 'I'm not putting blame on DD' then go on to do exactly that!

Listen to all the posters who are saying that your 'D'P needs to change, stop listing the times your DD behaves in a way you think is bad.

She is 6 ffs. She is behaving this way because your partner is pushing her out and matginalisig her. Take notice of her behaviour and work to make her feel as though she is important and special to you. If he won't leve you alone for an hour with DD1, take her out of the house! Go and get a coffee, go to the swings, go to the library and read books together - you don't need much money for an activity that will make her happy. She is craving time alone with you.

She does have a fucked up home life at the moment, your partner is making sure of that.

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

"In my opinion, they're both at fault but more so DP"



Sorry, she is six. She is not at fault AT ALL.

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

Princess.

I understand you might not want other threads brought up. But with children's behaviour, everything and anything in their environment and experiences might be relevant to how they are feeling and behaving.

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

6 can be a difficult age, IMO, no matter what the circumstances. But what I have learned is that you cannot change their behaviour without changing yours. It is completely fruitless for a grown man to be bickering with a 6 year old. He needs to rise above some of her comments, (not pull her up on all of them) think about why she says hurtful things, and address that in how he behaves

[olgaga]

She is completely 100% happy if it's just me, her and DD2.

Well of course she is, when your DP is such a horrible, tormenting bastard.

You really need to drop those scales from your eyes.

She is six remember! She isn't mature enough to be tactful about leaving him out of her "love lists". You should be grateful she is so honest with you - at least you know what the problem is.

If you don't get a grip on this situation it isn't going to get any better. Certainly not for your poor innocent DD, who will have to live with the effect of the choices you make for a very long time.

[DreamingOfTheMaldives]

Bloody hell OP, it's blatantly obvious what the problem is - IT'S YOUR PARTNER!

How can you not see that it is the way your partner is behaving that it causing the behaviour in your DD. I don't often comment on posts about parenting as I don't have a child yet (PFB on its way) and therefore don't have any experience but your situation is glaringly obvious what the issue is.

Tell your partner to grow up and start having a bit of consideration for your DD and her needs. Maybe then they will regain the good relationship they used to have.

[InNeedOfBrandy]

I actually agree with the OP saying it's not just her partner. At 6 dc know exactly what they say to make a point, be spiteful and her list is a very obvious dig at OPs DP.

DP does need to make an effort with the DD though am not sure how. I reckon if you threw them both in at the deep end and went away with the baby for a weekend they would have to resolve their squabbles and get on with it. They need IMO something in common to bond over.

[StuntGirl]

I don't know dreaming, I would the OP is largely to blame for the problem too. She is ignoring her daughter's cries for help and attention and putting her partner's needs above her childs.

Yes, the partner is being a massive dick as well though.

I feel very sorry for this little girl, who has had to deal with a fair amount of change and upheaval in her tiny life so far (but none so dramatically hard that a little consideration for her couldn't have solved), and is constantly being put down at the bottom of the pecking order with every adult in her life.

[StuntGirl]

*would say

[Bobyan]

Inneed are we reading the same thread?
You think leaving a 5 year old alone with a man who purposely feeds her food she dislikes, won't leave alone with her mum even to go into the bathroom, and uses her to help look after a 10 month old is going to solve the problem?