to want DP and DD's relationship to change?

[princessj29]

DD is almost 6, DP and I have been together since she was 2. She used to really like him and the three of us got on great and were very happy. DP and I had a baby together 10 months ago and for the past year or so he and DD have been bickering a great deal and I'm really fed up of it and want it to get back to how it used to be. In my opinion, they're both at fault but more so DP - DD is rude to DP and doesn't want to spend any time with him. She is extremely clingy to me, even following me to the toilet rather than staying in a room with him. This morning I needed to do some work so he was taking her to school and she started crying and saying she wanted me to go too, I explained that I needed to work today so I could have a day out to the seaside with her tomorrow and she said she'd rather miss the day at the seaside so I could take her to school. DD loves her baby sister but in my opinion DP causes problems in their relationship. If DP has the baby, he'll bug DD to stop what she's doing and 'help look after' DD2 because DD2 loves DD1 and is very entertained by her. He constantly tells DD1 to hurry along with things because she's 'making DD2 cry' and I don't think DD1 should be made to feel responsible for DD2.

This morning, DD1 came into our bed for cuddles and DD2 blew a raspberry at DP. He said 'oh DD2, you cheeky monkey!' and tickled her so she giggled. DD1 then blew a raspberry at him and he told her off for 'spitting in his face.' I appreciate that a raspberry from a baby is different from one from a 5 year old but he could explain that to her rather than snapping and moaning at her, making her feel rejected in my opinion and starting the day on a sour note. DD1 then came and sat in the bathroom with me while I showered because she didn't want to spend time with him.

I think part of the problem is that DD1 resents DP for not doing enough with DD2 so that DD1 and I can have time alone together. Yesterday, for example, DD1 got sent home from school as she wasn't feeling well. She wanted to curl up on the sofa and read with me like she would've done before we had DD2. I gave DD2 to DP but we'd only read one book before DD2 started fussing and wanting me. Rather than distract her/take her somewhere else to play, DP just sat there waiting for me to take her, then started turning on all her noisy toys so DD1 couldn't hear the story. She asked for a cuddle last night and DD2 started moaning and she said to DP: 'Mummy has DD2 all day every day, can you not just have her for 2 minutes so I can have a cuddle with my Mummy when I'm poorly...!' DP still says he 'doesn't understand' why DD1 has changed towards him but I think she's spelling it out, to be honest.

He wants to do everything as a family, he even follows DD1 and I to the bathroom while we brush her teeth - usually resulting in a baby whinging through it or else hanging off me. When it's just the children and I, DD1 is much happier and accepts that things are different because of DD2 and has no complaints. But when DP is there she gets frustrated that she can't have time with me because I also have DD2. If that makes sense? AIBU to be fed up with this situation and want it to change? Or is it normal for partners and non-biological children to have bickering relationships like this?

[olgaga]

So have you tried talking to her about why she feels like this?

[OxfordBags]

OP, if I was treated like that, I wouldn't want to go on trips with him either. He sounds disgraceful - if she doesn't behave exactly how he wants or likes, then he rejects her or is nasty to her? Who would want to engage with someone like that, when they are a person who is supposed to cherish and accept you unconditionally, keep you safe, respect your feelings and needs, etc.? As an adult, you model good behaviour, you are the one who has to be mature. You don't ignore a sad child who is lashing out, that's very damaging emotionally, and you certainly don't bicker back and pick on them, bloody hell! If she rejects him initially, then he has to suck it up, realise it's his own fault for creating that immature dynamic between them, and work on parenting properly, and regaining her love by treating her well, like a proper adult.

[princessj29]

Oxford - their relationship hasn't just been like this since the baby was born though.

Olgaga - Yes, I said upthread that she just says she loves me and wants to be with me. She doesn't say anything bad about DP, she just wants to be with me.

[jester68]

She is very young. Her whole little world has changed.

She is saying what she wants. To spend some time alone with her mummy but for some reason it seems like he does not want her too. Why cant he take the baby to play/or out so you can have some time with DD1?

And he does sound mean to her. Why tease her about the carrots when he knows this will upset her?

Why get angry with her for doing something that her sister does? Yes she is older but at the end of the day she is only playing, and he could have dealt with that so much better.

I think you need to talk to your daughter to find out why she is feeling the way she is.

And also speak to your partner about the way he is with her

[OxfordBags]

Op, if that's the case, it's even worse. Has he been like this since she was tiny? I feel so sorry for her. No wonder she reacts the way she does to him. Being forced to play at being a happy family with a man who rejects and upset her, poor thing.

[Cloverer]

He has to stop being mean, childish and petulant towards her! Just because a 5 year old is rude or naughty doesn't mean you bicker and reject them, does it? You really need to sit him down and explain how unacceptable and counterproductive his behaviour is - he has to be the adult.

Secondly, he has to start parenting the baby too! Not just holding her for a minute while you're busy/so long as she's not crying, or getting DD1 to do the parenting for him. He needs to actually take over with the baby sometimes while you spend time with the older one.

What leaps out to me from your posts is how immature your DP seems, and how he doesn't seem to know how to be the adult/parent with either child.

[olgaga]

I think you have to have a serious talk with your DP. No wonder your DD only wants to be with you.

Don't expect her to spend time alone with your DP when his parenting of her is so inadequate it is causing damage. The best he can do is help you by taking on a reasonable share of responsibility for caring for DD2 while you spend some quality time with DD1.

She needs a lot of reassurance by the sound of it.

[jester68]

You said she started to act up about a year ago? So when she would have been starting school and you were pregnant? 2 very big changes for a little girl to come to turns with.

My daughter was just 4 when her sister was born. She found it hard that she suddenly had to share my time/attention. And also she started school that year as well and I think she may have felt a little pushed out especially as her baby sister had to fight for her life.

So we dedicated time to her. Only her. So stories/baking cakes/going for a walk/drawing etc while baby was asleep or daddy looked after her for a while.

Then daddy did some stuff with her alone. Went to feed ducks/recycling etc.

She is a lot better now

[orangeandemons]

I think your little girl is voting with her feet. She obviously doesn't like him of feel comfortable with him.

I think if this was a blood family set up, your dp would have no problem with entertaining the baby whilst you spent time with dd. but from reading between the lines, it seems like he is almost trying to deliberately stop her from having your attention, thereby marginalising her, and she with the acute perception of a child has picked up on this.

Step families are different and feelings are different. I think some of it is to do with a new baby, but the bigger proportion is to do with your dp. What sort of grown adult is petulant and bickers with a 5 years old. You must speak to your dp about this, as it will onlY get worse unless resolved. From my experience as a step parent, you have to know when to hold your tongue a lot lot more in step relationships, and t seems he hasn't learnt this yet. Although why he is bickering with any little child is beyond me, step parent or not.

[crunchbag]

Your DP is the problem here, not your DD. She wants some time with you alone and he isn't letting her (or you). Why on earth does he follow you to the bathroom, or does he pester DD1 to play/look after DD2, and why do you allow it?

[orangeandemons]

Is it possible that he feels he now has his own little family, and doesn't really want your dd as part of it?

[DIYapprentice]

Your DP is acting like an arse. Why can't he look after DD2 on his own for awhile? So what if she loves being with DD1?! The reality is he wants things easier for HIMSELF, and sod what everyone else wants and is doing little, sabotaging things that will disrupt everyone.

He needs pulling up on this NOW!

As to your DD, she is feeling insecure, she doesn't know her place anymore. All children go through this with a siblings. However, I think the age is relevant here too. DS1 is 6, and he's being really clingy with me, and asking when he can have some time alone with me. DS2 is 3 1/2, he doesn't remember not having a little brother so some of your DD's behaviour is to do with her age, and not just having a new sibling.

Think about her life at the moment. At school everything keeps changing. Everytime she gets confident in something they move her up a level and she struggles again, having to learn new things. All her friends would also be pushing new boundaries, friendships change, children's behaviours change. School, although fun and exciting, is also scary and unsettling.

YOU are her touch stone. She wants something that is stable, that she can hold onto for comfort. Whether it be a cuddle with mummy, uninterrupted story time, a familiar toy, anything really. And she's lost that, no wonder she is being rude to your DP. If this situation keeps up she will be lashing out at you soon.

[Bobyan]

Your DP is making it very clear that your DD is bottom of the list...even when she's I'll she can't even get a cuddle and a story without you DP stopping it.
As for following you to the bathroom, what a control freak.

He's a shit and your poor DD knows it.

[Bobyan]

I'll = ill

[ChildOfThe1980s]

I think your DD has been through a lot of changes in her short life and it struggling to cope. It is DP's job as the adult to love her unconditionally, and definitely not wind her up or be childish. No wonder she doesn't want to spend time with him!

I think he probably does show favouritism, even if it's subtle, a child will pick it up and then feel less loved and accepted.

[StanleyLambchop]

I agree with Oxford, Clover & DIY, and all the others who say that your DP is the adult, he should not 'bicker back' (FF Sake). Six years old is nothing, she does not know yet how to cope and she is lashing out against your immature arse of a DP in the only way she knows how. Interrupting her so that she can amuse her baby sister is not on- you should pull him up on that straight away. Teasing her about the carrots- also needs to stop. If he starts to improve his behaviour towards her then maybe she will respond in kind. Your discription of your DP is not someone I would want to have much to do with TBH- and I am not six years old!!!

[Doubtfuldaphne]

This has happened to me aswell. When we had dd it changed how my dh got on with my ds who's 12.
Part of it might be that now the baby has come along, your dd might feel like your dp is pushing her out and doesn't know how to deal with it.
Your dp needs a good talking to as he has to realise dd is only little and he must be very careful not to let her feel excluded.
Family counselling might not be a bad idea.
In my case I talked to dh about how upset it was making me seeing him and ds arguing so much and being so distant. I suggested they did more together just the two of them a couple of times a week so they could kind of get to know each other again and build back the friendship they used to have.
Is there anything like that they could do together? Even if she cries for you at first, she will see that there are four of you who all love each other equally.

[mrsjay]

It sounds like she is fed up of sharing time because she might feel pushed out she can'tand doesn't hate the baby because she loves the baby because well she is a baby
so her step dad is the easy option for her feelings which are normal BTW she isn't unusual to be a little put out by a new baby, and if there is you all out and about she needs to share her time

you probably make sure she isn't left out when you are with them both and you probably make time for her when dad is there, but in her little 6 year old head dad is taking the attention away from her ( i think this is what is happening), can dad take her out with her sister on her own without you being there

[mrsjay]

Oh i Xposted with doubtful

[whois]

Wow.

DP sounds like an immature twat. How horrible for DD, when she is feeling rejected and hurt and showing this by lashing out, rather than comfort her he excludes her further.

Sounds like he's a shit step-dad and a shit dad seeing as he can't even look after his own baby for half an hour.

it seems like he is almost trying to deliberately stop her from having your attention, thereby marginalising her, and she with the acute perception of a child has picked up on this

^This

Please please get some family counselling.

[StuntGirl]

FFS OP your 'D'P sounds like an utter twat, and you aren't coming across much better. She is six. She is a child. You and your partner are the adults in this situation. Start bloody acting like it.

You daughter must get one on one time with both parents, as well as family time. Your partner has to stop suffocating your relationship with yur daughter. Following you to the bathroom? What is he, 3?

He must stop 'winding her up' and 'bickering with her'. He is - supposedly - the adult here. Time for him to act like it.

And you must stop blaming your very small child for your partners shity behaviour. She is a tiny child, she doesn't have the emotional or mental maturity to deal with your partners behaviour the way and adult would, so she's reacting the ony way she knows how, which is unsurprisingly, childishly.

[Mumsyblouse]

It's not really about step parenting, it's pretty standard when a new baby comes along to make sure the eldest child has some undivided attention every day, say 30 minutes of doing what they want with mummy (or daddy if she liked your DP more). Really, I think this is a basic priority here and I'm not sure why you can't see it/provide it.

I would directly say to your DP: I need time on my own with DD, a certain slot or time, which she knows she will get so she doesn't spend all day trying to get it through any means necessary.

Everyone gets time with you except her, your new baby, your DP (when baby asleep at night) she feels neglected. Sort this out and I think the rest will fall into place more. If your DP can't support you to achieve this, you might want to question why he doesn't think a child needs its mother and can't facilitate that for your DD (but can for the new baby:()

[ImperialBlether]

I don't think I could live with someone who my child disliked to the extent she didn't want to be alone with him. I wouldn't like to live with someone now who I didn't want to be alone in a room with. Would anyone?

As oranges says above, your daughter is voting with her feet. She is telling you - not hinting, telling - that she doesn't want to be alone in a room with him. I'd be wondering why and I certainly wouldn't be blaming her for it. Her instinct is to avoid him. Should she or you ignore her instincts?

[QuintessentialOHara]

"You can't say it's someone elses fault if a six year old is rude"

I think you can. In your situation absolutely yes! Your dp seems an immature twat with no understanding for dd1. You dont seem to lag far after him either. Poor little girl, she is only 6!

You and him need to address the reason why she feels so rejected and act out.

[Mumsyblouse]

I don't necessarily think the little girl doesn't like the DP, she liked him for a long time and they bonded well intially, also with the PIL, it is recently that she has become very clingy and this happens when a new baby arrives in biologically related families as well as step. Both my children have had phases of not liking daddy and wanting mummy (and the reverse for one of them) and they also do it when they perceive a lack of boundaries.

If I were the OP, I would be firm with the DP about one to one time, but also make it clear that they are all in a team, and sometimes this means DP is doing bedtime or whatever. If you allow children to divide you, they will. I wonder whether (best interpretation possible) the DP has been doing this in his own misguided way, trying to get the children to bond but also putting responsibility on DD1 for DD2 which is completely wrong and why it needs nipping in the bud now.

But if they had a good relationship in the past, and there's the stress of a new baby, surely the best way forward is to work towards that and help him remember how well they used to interact rather than just call him names from the sidelines.