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AIBU?

to want DP and DD's relationship to change?

132 replies

princessj29 · 26/04/2013 09:49

DD is almost 6, DP and I have been together since she was 2. She used to really like him and the three of us got on great and were very happy. DP and I had a baby together 10 months ago and for the past year or so he and DD have been bickering a great deal and I'm really fed up of it and want it to get back to how it used to be. In my opinion, they're both at fault but more so DP - DD is rude to DP and doesn't want to spend any time with him. She is extremely clingy to me, even following me to the toilet rather than staying in a room with him. This morning I needed to do some work so he was taking her to school and she started crying and saying she wanted me to go too, I explained that I needed to work today so I could have a day out to the seaside with her tomorrow and she said she'd rather miss the day at the seaside so I could take her to school. DD loves her baby sister but in my opinion DP causes problems in their relationship. If DP has the baby, he'll bug DD to stop what she's doing and 'help look after' DD2 because DD2 loves DD1 and is very entertained by her. He constantly tells DD1 to hurry along with things because she's 'making DD2 cry' and I don't think DD1 should be made to feel responsible for DD2.

This morning, DD1 came into our bed for cuddles and DD2 blew a raspberry at DP. He said 'oh DD2, you cheeky monkey!' and tickled her so she giggled. DD1 then blew a raspberry at him and he told her off for 'spitting in his face.' I appreciate that a raspberry from a baby is different from one from a 5 year old but he could explain that to her rather than snapping and moaning at her, making her feel rejected in my opinion and starting the day on a sour note. DD1 then came and sat in the bathroom with me while I showered because she didn't want to spend time with him.

I think part of the problem is that DD1 resents DP for not doing enough with DD2 so that DD1 and I can have time alone together. Yesterday, for example, DD1 got sent home from school as she wasn't feeling well. She wanted to curl up on the sofa and read with me like she would've done before we had DD2. I gave DD2 to DP but we'd only read one book before DD2 started fussing and wanting me. Rather than distract her/take her somewhere else to play, DP just sat there waiting for me to take her, then started turning on all her noisy toys so DD1 couldn't hear the story. She asked for a cuddle last night and DD2 started moaning and she said to DP: 'Mummy has DD2 all day every day, can you not just have her for 2 minutes so I can have a cuddle with my Mummy when I'm poorly...!' DP still says he 'doesn't understand' why DD1 has changed towards him but I think she's spelling it out, to be honest.

He wants to do everything as a family, he even follows DD1 and I to the bathroom while we brush her teeth - usually resulting in a baby whinging through it or else hanging off me. When it's just the children and I, DD1 is much happier and accepts that things are different because of DD2 and has no complaints. But when DP is there she gets frustrated that she can't have time with me because I also have DD2. If that makes sense? AIBU to be fed up with this situation and want it to change? Or is it normal for partners and non-biological children to have bickering relationships like this?

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QuintessentialOHara · 26/04/2013 18:11

Maybe the two of you could attend some parenting classes together? I am sure your health visitor or GP practice, or Surestart (if there is one around) could help if you outlined your problems?

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StuntGirl · 26/04/2013 18:12

I agree quint. There's no shame in asking for help when you need it.

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EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 26/04/2013 18:27

she does understand what she's saying when she misses him out her of her 'love lists' - she only says it in front of him, she never lists who she loves when it's just DD2 and I she just says 'love you.' She IS doing it purposely to try and get him to say something, which he doesn't

She understands that she is trying to goad him into a reaction, yes. But she doesn't understand why. You do, or should, as an adult. It's pretty blindingly obvious! Your DP has changed his feelings towards her now he has his own child and is showing her quite clearly that she is second best. She is used to having his love and trusting in it and now she can't. That's huge for a little child. You and your DP are in danger of causing her some serious harm if you don't address this.

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Goldenbear · 26/04/2013 20:00

I wouldn't take Ineedbrandy's advice given that your little girl has said she doesn't want to be left alone with him. How long has she been saying this? I don't think 6 year olds are manipulative in that way. I have a 5 nearly 6 year old DS - if he said he didn't want to be left alone with someone I'd want to know what the problem is and solve it.

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JamieandtheMagicTorch · 26/04/2013 20:03

Ehric

Yes, exactly

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independentfriend · 26/04/2013 21:39

Maybe try letting your daughter know that it's up to her who she loves. She doesn't have to love your partner. It might not be very kind for her to say so in front of him, but her feelings are her own and not wrong.

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mamalovesmojitos · 26/04/2013 22:02

I think your dp is bang out of order for all the reasons listed above and I'd be pulling him up on it immediately. Your dd 1 is growing and developing emotionally and his behaviour to her will affect her greatly - in a negative way.

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iusedtobefun2 · 26/04/2013 22:03

Oh dear OP.
I feel very sorry for your DD. She is telling you every which way she can that she is not happy.
Can you imagine being 5 years old and feeling uncomfortable in your on home. The exact place where you should feel safe and secure.

A 5 year old is not emotionally mature enough and has not developed sufficiently to be able to communicate and express herself in adult ways. She is telling you the only way she can - her love lists - that there is a big problem here.

Back story is everything. All these little bits of information add up to a big problem.

Can you honestly say that you are putting your children's needs above the needs of yourself and the other adults around you? Are you doing everything you can to make sure that your children are growing up in a safe and happy environment?

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princessj29 · 26/04/2013 23:02

Yes I can honestly say that. I devote my entire life to my children. I never have a minute to myself or with DP and certainly do not put him Before DD1. DD1 and I are the best of friends and I place her and DD2 a million times higher than DP which DD1 knows. I haven't told her she must love him or must include him in the lists, I very much believe in children having free speech and being able to share how they feel. DP honestly does try hard with her but he's only human and of course it hurts his feelings when she rejects him. He seems to wait for me to intervene if DD argues or is rude but I think he needs to deal with it (with my support of course) and see that there's a middle ground between letting her do what she likes and moaning about every little thing she does

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Bobyan · 26/04/2013 23:35

So what are you going to do about him?

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Amykins · 26/04/2013 23:56

Nothing. Post under various names and reject any advice.

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Tenacity · 27/04/2013 02:01

OP why do you think she doesn't want to be left alone with him? I think herein lies the problem.
Also have you thought about what could be happening when your back is turned? I suspect he might be showing her his true colours when you are not around. Her reaction to being left alone with him is a big red flag.

I have read the whole thread, and some previous posters have also queried this, but I don't remember your response.

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FairPhyllis · 27/04/2013 03:09

OP, it's clear from your other threads that all is not well with your daughter's family life. You split from her abusive father, who she witnessed being abusive to you and has on contact visits taught her inappropriate sexualised behaviour and made her share a bed with an older boy she is not related to. She has had selective mutism.

She is now living with you and your DH, who has a lot of debt (which he hid from you before marriage) but despite this goes out all the time without you, and who sounds sexually entitled while not helping you with your baby. You yourself are socially isolated because you have moved away from friends and family.

Your DH on the evidence of this thread is mean to her and she doesn't want to be left alone with him. At the very best she is crying out for attention and security from the adults around her, at the worst you have gone straight into a relationship with another abuser.

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lisianthus · 27/04/2013 04:58

"she does understand what she's saying when she misses him out her of her 'love lists' - she only says it in front of him, she never lists who she loves when it's just DD2 and I she just says 'love you.' She IS doing it purposely to try and get him to say something, which he doesn't"

but what he should be saying at this point is - "I love you, DD, I think you are terrific" or something along these lines. She is looking for reassurance that she is still loved and valued and wanted. What she is getting is reprimanded and your DH is trying to carve out "Mummy territory" on behalf of his daughter. And he winds her up, setting her up to fail and be seen as the "bad kid" in the family. Super.

And FGS, that bit about him being hurt when your DD says these things. can he not understand that she is SIX and he shouldn't be taking it personally?

You might both want to read "Siblings Without Rivalry" by Adele Faber. The way he is treating both children is not going to help your children have a good relationship where they don't feel they have to compete for affection.

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psynl · 27/04/2013 06:53

I've not read all posts nor do I know your particular backstory but I was very much like your DD.
Mum and step dad had my brother when I was six and around this time, my relationship with step dad deteriorated. My mum later told me it was attributed to the baby or to the step family situation.

However, over time and with the help of counselling etc, I have come to realise I just genuinely do not like the man! We clash and we are so different. If I knew him in any other context, I would go out of my way to avoid having anything to do with him.
I think I started to realise this at about 6 and it came out clearly in my behaviour towards him. It is hard to live with someone that you don't like and it is uncomfortable. I still avoid him now many years later and my son has picked up my animosity for him.

This probably doesn't help but may give a different slant on things. I believe that if my step dad had modified his behaviour when I was 6 (not teasing, not making joking remarks etc) our relationship could have improved.

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QuintessentialOHara · 27/04/2013 09:18

Nothing. Post under various names and reject any advice.

Agree with Amy. Thats all you will ever do to "help" your daughter.

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SpecialAgentTattooedQueen · 27/04/2013 10:41

Poor, sweet child. :( She'll be a candidate for the Stately Home threads.

There is no aspect of this sweet child's life that is normal or allows her to just have a childhood. Angry

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tiredlady · 27/04/2013 10:55

OP,
Please take some time and carefully think about what people have posted on here.
Your DP is the problem here and it's a bit worrying that you are defending him and trying to put some of the blame and responsibility on your very young dd.
Your DP sounds like an immature childish twat. Your dd doesn't need to change, he does. And quite frankly of he doesn't, then you need to consider your relationship with him.
He is a damaging influence on her and ultimately it's your choice if you prioritise your relationship with him over her happiness.
Your dd is telling you she is unhappy? You are her mum. What are you going to do about it?

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AlnwickRose · 27/04/2013 11:04

Why post if you're just going to say that everybody is wrong.

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mrsjay · 27/04/2013 11:07

OP you do undertsnad don't you that your daughter is only 6 years old and your partner is a grown man the little girl is your priority in this he needs to learn not to bicker with a child people are trying to help your family like you asked and you are taking nothing on board , do you want people to say your partner is right and your little 6 year old is naughty and in the wrong , because i dont think that is going to happen,

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mrsjay · 27/04/2013 11:24

your daughter is not your best friend she is your child

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princessj29 · 27/04/2013 11:32

Love how people just make completely wrong assumptions! Phyllis - she did not witness abusive behaviour from her father, she is not forced to share a bed, she has not been taught sexulised behaviour. I am not married, DP did not hide any debt from me, he goes out once every 2 months at most - hardly all the time, I don't have any friends or family - it's not that I moved away from them.

Tenacity - she has no problem being vocal with me, if he was being horrible to her behind my back she'd come straight to me and tell me. It's not that doesn't want to be with him as much as that she doesn't want to be away from me, even when it's just DD's and I in the house DD1 follows me from room to room.

I am going to speak to DP and make sure DD1 and I have some one on one time and tell him to try not to take her comments personally. Though I do think you're all being harsh on him for being hurt by them - if your child was telling you they loved everyone but you and pushing you away all the time then I'm sure you'd be hurt too, regardless of their age. The fact he isn't her biological father makes no difference, he's been around for as long as she can remember.

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AlnwickRose · 27/04/2013 12:07

My DD did something a bit like this with me. The best response is to say 'but I love you' and show understanding of the preference for the other adult. It has now passed, bit seemed to last forever at the time. I did everything I could to hide from her how I felt. It wasn't easy.

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mrsjay · 27/04/2013 12:16

alnwick I think that is the fantastic advice , and the op could try that with her dd , I think the boyfriend should take on board she is 6 and say well I love you very much

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Beechview · 27/04/2013 12:35

I agree with posters who are saying you need 1 to 1 time with your dd.

She also needs 1 to 1 with dp but that can come later as she clearly doesn't want to be with him at the moment.
As well as what other posters are saying about his attitude towards her, your dd probably feels that if she spends time with your dp, then youre having a cosy time with dd2 without her. She's feeling very insecure and unhappy.
Your dp has to stop reacting negatively to dd1.

Let her start feeling secure again then see if she wants to do some really fun stuff with your dp.

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