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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to marvel at how self-centred some people can be?

75 replies

HenrySugar · 24/04/2013 10:23

Just a string of small(ish) happenings recently have made me think this - I'm a pretty assertive person myself but some people are so good at manipulating situations to their own advantage that you almost end up going along with it before you realise how selfishly they are acting.

The first situation: I started swimming lessons a few months ago. There were initially 3 of us who paid a private instructor between us. He would come to a pool near my work and it all worked well for ages. One of the group has now had to leave and another woman has taken her place. After her first week I received a text message from the instructor informing me that they had changed the venue and time - the lessons are now too early and too far away from my work for me to get there in time. I phoned the instructor who was it has to be said a little sheepish but he has basically let this new woman manipulate him into changing everything to suit her! And now he's saying to me that I still need to pay him even if don't turn up. I'm going to have to stop the lessons I think.

Other situation: I also dance as a hobby and several friends/acquaintances have said they would love to do a sort of class together. I am in theory happy to do that and wouldn't want to charge money as I'm not a teacher, I just enjoy it and have been doing it long enough that I'm pretty competent. I let everyone know the times I could manage. I have been utterly amazed at all the complaining and trying to change the times and days to suit themselves! Why would people do that when I'm basically doing it as a favour? Anyway we finally found a time and then only one person showed up!

What goes through these people's heads?! Were they all spoilt children or something?

OP posts:
Original poster
HenrySugar · 24/04/2013 11:44

No problem at all! Yes he was very unprofessional - makes me not want to recommend him which is a shame as my swimming has improved a lot with him.

OP posts:
gnushoes · 24/04/2013 11:50

What I notice more and more is people just expect to have right of way on the pavement. You get a couple of people (often, I hate to say it, with buggies) and they will simply steamroll you into moving rather than going one behind the other themselves. The other thing is that if you move for people, they often now completely blank you as if it were their God-given right to have the whole pavement. No thanks, not even a glance in your direction. Makes my blood boil.

DeWe · 24/04/2013 11:52

On the dancing from, I was taught tennis by an amazing chap, who had tried nit charging for lessons because he loved doing them.

However he found that if he didn't charge people took the complete micky, they'd not turn up (bearing in mind he had 30+ minute drive and most people lived in the village) or they'd come late, expect to go early, chop and change the lesson to suit him...
So he charged a small amount (about £2 an hour when general rate was about £10-£12 an hour). And found then people didn't mess him around nearly as much. He charged me a Mars bar!

So try charging a small amount-tell them you need just enough to cover refreshments/music or something. Probably better charging by term/month/half term too.

And tell the instructor that you can't come. Pushy lady can now pay half.

ItsYonliMe · 24/04/2013 11:56

Sounds like you are too nice a person OP and are being taken advantage of.

thermalsinapril · 24/04/2013 11:59

You sound lovely OP. You deserve better!

Yes, that pavement thing gnushoes! Angry

quesadilla · 24/04/2013 12:04

People will only be like this if you don't stand up to them. I havea close friend whose natural inclination is to be like this, but she has learned that I won't put up with it. Harder with people you don't know as well, admittedly but you have to lay down boundaries. This woman was blatantly taking the piss and you need to say to the instructor either he reinstates the lesson on the basis that it was set up or you don't pay him.

MoutardeDeDijon · 24/04/2013 12:17

The failure to value things that are given for free is a very well established psychological phenomenon which has been the subject of scientific research for half a century at least. It is even shown by animals, and is referred to as contrafreeloading. Given a choice between freely available food, and an alternative food source (with exactly the same food in it) for which they have to work (e.g., press a lever) to gain access, rats will eat more from the second source.
Charge something for your dancing lessons and people will turn up.

Original poster
HenrySugar · 24/04/2013 12:27

Thanks for all sharing your experiences and interesting about the free things. I didn't know that.

I do stand up for myself and will not pay the swimming teacher. Same with the dancing ladies - I refused to commit to a time that didn't suit me even though some of them did push quite a bit! I just posted more out of amazement really and seems others have experienced similar!

OP posts:
idlevice · 24/04/2013 12:28

YY to undervaluing free things. I saw an experiment somewhere where a peice of furniture was put out on the side of the road with a "free to a good home" sign & it didn't go, but when the sign was changed to "£5" it was taken, without paying. Also the number of people who don't turn up for freecycle stuff - if they had paid for the item they certainly would make sure to collect it.

Original poster
HenrySugar · 24/04/2013 12:30

quesadilla I have a friend like that too - I have stopped going out for meals with her and only go for coffee now as she would just order a million different dishes to "try" and not ask me what I wanted at all. It was always a choice between causing awkwardness and saying I don't want this and that, or just letting it all go over my head (and paying for food I didn't want!). Avoiding the situation altogether seems the best option.

OP posts:
Tee2072 · 24/04/2013 12:34

I don't get it either. Other people just don't occur to them, I swear.

The door thing really pisses me off. I always hold the door for people and make way on the pavement and make sure my son is learning to do the same.

Original poster
HenrySugar · 24/04/2013 12:43

Haha well with perfect timing I just got a message from one of the dance ladies saying sorry she hasn't made it to any of the classes but she kept forgetting and could I text to remind her next time? Ha! I just replied "Actually I assumed you had changed your mind and decided not to come. We've done a lot and almost finished learning a dance." What I wanted to reply was "well thank goodness one lady has committed to it and made it worth my getting home in time and made arrangements for my dcs and sorted out music and all the other things I had to do which I didn't mind really but people need to commit!!"

OP posts:
WTFisABooyhooISBooyhoo · 24/04/2013 12:48

she wants you to text her to remind her? why cant she just put a reminder in her phone right now while she is holding it! some people really dont get it at all do they?

MrsMangelFanciedPaulRobinson · 24/04/2013 12:50

The thing with entitled people, such as book club woman, is they work by railroading others and literally going on and on about things until people give in to their demands. They will also often take the liberty of re jigging arrangements on someone else's behalf.

One of DD's friends mums is like this. I give her a very wide berth otherwise it's easy to get sucked into doing the brownies run for her, or to end up taking her daughter to and from a party for her, or dropping her daughter home from school and having to 'pick up a few essentials' for her from the local shop en route. She gets very stroppy when people refuse to accommodate her demands, she is genuinely taken aback that people won't do things.

MrsMangelFanciedPaulRobinson · 24/04/2013 12:51

I often wonder if spoilt/entitled people were spoilt as children and then it's continued into adulthood?

Tortington · 24/04/2013 12:52

I deal with this shit ( herding people) for a Living.

the only answer is presenting NO CHOICE

the lesson is at X VENUE 4 PM

MrsMangelFanciedPaulRobinson · 24/04/2013 12:54

I meant to add that the mother of DD's friend once even asked if I could change the date of DD's party as her dd couldn't come on the day I'd arranged it for

Original poster
HenrySugar · 24/04/2013 13:00

Yes we've had one mum asking to change the choice of film at my dcs' birthday party as her child was not allowed to watch it (all the others were). I didn't change it, I suggested that maybe her child would like to come along afterwards for the party tea, but he didn't turn up at all in the end.

Good grief custardo, you must need wine by the time you get home from work. What happens though if you arrange your life around the event at 4pm and no-one turns up?

OP posts:
Original poster
HenrySugar · 24/04/2013 13:01

I wonder about the spoilt children thing too. I will have to conduct a social experiment over time to check this. One of the mums who was supposed to come but didn't has a massively spoilt and entitled child, but the mum herself is very meek and mild. I think she maybe has anxiety issues, which could be why she didn't turn up.

OP posts:
MrsMangelFanciedPaulRobinson · 24/04/2013 13:03

I think that lots of people have such a thick skin these days, and are so blinkered into thinking about their own needs that they genuinely don't feel they are being fucking cheeky

UniqueAndAmazing · 24/04/2013 13:07

mmm.
I agree with all of you.

when we were in the interregnum, and then got turned into a Team Ministry, the priest in charge of the Team (he was the vicar of another church in the Team) made us change and shift all of our PCC meetings because Tuesday was his day off. So, basically, all of our meetings had to change, which meant that at least a few people couldn't be there every time , and then he didn't even turn up to half of them!
of course, we had to accept it because in theory the priest is always the chairman, but if you're going to do it then you have to turn up!

I have storytimes here at the shop, which are free, and quite often no one turns up.
they don't think of my storytimes as a proper event or thing, even though often they say "ooh, yes we'll be at xx storytime" and some of the tiems were deliberately chosen because certain people had asked for them.
but no, i get "oh, we decided to go suchandsuch a place instead"
well, bloody thanks.
:(

expatinscotland · 24/04/2013 13:09

Doesn't surprise me at all, just read the Classic 'cheeky' thread.

Don't give dance lessons for free and cancel the swimming lessons.

Just send out an email, 'The dance lessons aren't working for me anymore.'

Or what Custy said, NO CHOICE. Take it or leave it.

eatmydust · 24/04/2013 13:17

YANBU

and don't pay the swimming instructor. He's changed the terms and conditions so you no long have a contract with him or any requirement to continue to pay.

Original poster
HenrySugar · 24/04/2013 13:20

That's it I guess, if it's free people don't see it as a proper event. But can't they see what I had to do to make it happen? If I say I'm going to do something, I do it unless I have a very good reason not to, such as illness. I thought that was normal.

OP posts:
KurriKurri · 24/04/2013 13:34

Well I have another story from a few years back - when DD was about 12, she had a sleep over for her birthday. Children invited to come just after lunch, get fed an evening meal, hang out in DD's bedroom watch DVD's stay up all night chatting and get deposited back at parents after breakfast next day.

One girls mum phones to say her DD can't make it in the afternoon would I start the party later? - no I say but she can turn up late no problem.
A day or two later the girl says to DD 'I will bring my DVD's and we will watch them. DD 'Fine but we have some at my house and others are bringing some too so might not be able to watch them all' girl is Hmm I will bring my DVD's.
Mum then stops me in the street and says 'what food are you serving - I say 'pizza - I'll do bases and a selection of toppings so they can put on whatever they like, bolognese and pasta, and baked potatoes with selection of fillings' - her DD doesn't like any of those things apparently, could I make something else?
And she ended by saying her DD didn't actually like sleeping at other peoples houses and could I bring her home at 10. At which point I said that perhaps this 'sleepover' starting at lunchtime with my food selection and some but not all of our DVD's was not the party for her DD and it might be better if she came round for tea or something on another occasion.

I mean FFS - people are unbelievable, I remember as a child (and I'm in my fifties) that 'spoilt' children filled us with a sort of nervous wonderment - we didn't see many, so if a kid acted spoilt we stood with our mouths open.
My parents would have been incredulous at the idea of dictating to someone what kind of party they should have, and I would have been told to eat up the soggy meat paste sandwiches smile and say thank you (actually I wouldn't -I'd have known to do that, and I'd have said thank you for having me Mrs X, I've had a lovely time).