To consider using a sperm donor?

[MintChocChip147]

35 year old woman, not in a relationship, definitely want a baby. What are people's views on using a sperm donor?

[CoteDAzur]

Praying - If your mum conceived a child with another man than your donor, that wouldn't be you.

Similarly, when you tell women here not to conceive with donor sperm because it is not a good thing for the resulting children, you seem to be saying that it is better for them not to exist at all than be born not knowing their biological fathers.

I think that is a bizarre perspective. Surely it is better to be born and not know your father than not to be born at all?

[CoteDAzur]

"It's not natural"

Why do you think conception, birth, and raising children have to be "natural"?

Because IVF, frozen eggs, adoption by gay couples or even birth by cesarean section are all "natural"?

[ilikehomecookedfood]

Luckily, we live in a country where we do not need to get the permission of others to conceive our children

Xmasbaby, I probably would have agreed with you ten years ago, that it was 'wrong' and 'unnatural.' I have come to realise that some of the most wonderful things in the world are unnatural in some ways - cures for diseases, flying, to name but two.

www.telegraph.co.uk/health/healthnews/8731414/Mother-of-twins-meets-woman-who-donated-eggs-18-years-a-go.html

This lady lost her two sons in a terrible accident, the same accident which left her infertile. Thanks to donated eggs, she had twins - a boy and a girl. I am sure some people say how wrong and unnatural that is, I don't agree. I remember reading this lady's story in one of my mum's magazines when I was 10-ish and both my mum and I cried a bit, it was so heartbreaking yet with a happy ending, of sorts at least.

Some unnatural things enhance our lives enormously, or add to them. Please don't pity my unborn child. There are children right now who are cold, hungry, unloved and hurt, mine will never be one of them.

[Kewcumber]

xmasbaby - why will a child born of sperm donation never have a father? OP may find a decent man and choose to marry at some point - you don;t forswear men when you become a single parent. And DI conceived childrne have the right to trace at 18 (or have information made available) so medical history etc is known.

Research shows that children who are aware of the circumstances of their birth adoptive or donor from before they were able to really understand have the fewest issues with it.

The difficulty is that until fairly recently secrecy was the accepted route (for adoption and DI) and so there are lots of adults dealing with the unpalatable fact that a) their parents lied to them b) they aren't who they thought they were.

If you take that away then there will undoubtedly be people who still have some issues but tbh its impossible to know if they are people who would have had the same issues whatever the circumstances of their birth.

For example its impossible to know how much of Beatrices issues are with her abusive childhood, the secrecy , the breach of trust or being a product of donor insemination.

Beatrice I sometimes think that I would anything to have exactly the DS I have but had given birth to him myself. To be able to take away the missing year of his life and the total lack of information about his birth family. But whenever I think that I have to also think that if what I wanted happened then DS would be different and the world is a better place for him being here exactly as he is. I don't think I could have produced a child so amazing if he were genetically mine.

[Kewcumber]

anaesthetic during tooth extraction isn't terribly natural either but I'm very very grateful for it.

[chipmonkey]

Praying, would you be against donor sperm/eggs where the donors are fully screened and traceable? And FWIW, having read some of your story about your lovely dd, I think you are amazing, however you were made!

[Greythorne]

OP
Go for it.

I got divorced in my 30s when my first husband realised he did not want to have children. I was determined to have children and would not have hesitated to go the sperm bank route. In the end I met an old flame and we are now happily married with two DC but I knew I would do donation if necessary.

I have a SPBC friend with a sperm donor toddler and they make a wonderful family.

[Lilka]

YANBU at all

I had one artificial insemination attempt a couple of years ago, which did not work and I did not want to spend money on more than one attempt so I made the choice to move on from that.

I am a (lesbian) single mother with 3 children (one already an adult so two at home) by the way

Now, actually a few years on I am thankful it did not work, because my finances are worse now, and my second child (who has multiple special needs) stopped being on an even keel and is even more challenging to parent. I would be able to manage another child yes, BUT in my current circumstances not ideal

My child would not have had a father, no. There would be an opportunity for another mother but that's really not likely. I very much wanted an open/ID release donor which is mandatory in the UK anyway, partly because I think it's the childs right to know, and partly because my adopted children have all the information about their own backgrounds and to have one child without that would not be right IMHO.

But a father is not necessary. When studies are done about single mothers, poverty is still the biggest factor in outcomes for children. Children of more wealthy, professional single mothers tend to do well, I think just as much so as children in 2 parent families. Poverty and hardship put a big spanner in the works. A child needs good male role models yes, but that needn't be a father at home.

Ah and I see the old appeal to nature rears it's fallacious head. Adoption (the legal bit at least) is not 'natural', nor is Mumsnet or this computer. Or IVF, or modern medical treatment. Cannabilism is pretty natural though....so many animals eat their babies y'know. So is aggression, murder, the least goes on. Natural and 'right/moral/good' are totally different concepts. Natural is not good and unnatural is not bad. It's a fallacy.

[Wholetthedogin]

Praying I'm so sorry that you have had such a hard time. Thinking of you and your daughter.

My daughter was conceived by donor sperm.
She is just the most adorable, confident, well adjusted little girl.

We had one of those magical moments yesterday whilst out for a walk. She skipped along, smiling, laughing and chatting all the way, having a great time.

I know that we may have some hard times ahead but if you had seen her, you would never deny her right to exist.

[Toadinthehole]

CoteDAzur

I think "it's not natural" is a fair comment in that it ignores what the child is very likely to want, ie, to know who his or her father is, or at least have the chance of a relationship with him when he or she is growing up.

It is of course perfectly natural to want to have a child, regardless of one's relationship status and no-one should impugn that.

However, the assumption I detect on this thread is that because the relationship a child born into average circumstances has with his or her father might be bad, it is all the same if there is no chance of a relationship at all. I don't agree. I think denying a child any chance of a relationship with his or her biological father is prima facie undesirable, and it is interesting how in recent decades adoption has moved to a more open model for the same reason.

[Timetoask]

With so many children out there in need of a home, why don't you consider adoption instead? I have met a few people that have adopted and they are very happy, adore their children.

[Lioninthesun]

I looked into adoption first but as a single woman even with my own house and savings, it was practically impossible. I know they are making changes now to make adoption easier (with the right people) but when I looked into it they were still looking for the husband and wife scenario.

I hope to adopt in the future, so am really keen for them to accept single mothers as a family option.

[Nelly000]

Bingo!

[Nelly000]

Lioninthesun.. Lots of single people adopt. Speak to a couple of different local authorities/voluntary agencies. Criteria varies for each one.

[Lioninthesun]

'Lots of single people adopt' - but you are bottom of the pile in a selection process that takes years with no definite outcome and the likelyhood you will be rejected in favour of a couple. You can see why some women would rather try for a child instead.

[Lioninthesun]

The tone of that was a bit wrong, apologies - thank you for your advice too.

[Nelly000]

no worries lioninthesun ... And I do take your point about 'being bottom of the pile'...

[Molehillmountain]

praying has had some hugely difficult things to overcome and what I'm about to say is not meant to directly argue against her strongly held view that gamete donation is wrong. I disagree though, that its not gamete donation per se that is likely to cause problems for children and adults conceived this way but the lack of information and openness.
If you read some of the stories of adults that have huge problems arising from being conceived by donor insemination (not so much egg donation as the children are younger and conceived in a time when openness is encouraged) the secret and revelation of said "secret" is the main thing that has caused the heartache.
I come from a family where there have been big secrets, of a completely different kind, and it's absolutely devastating to find out huge stuff about your family as a teenager or adult. Also, if people have chosen to keep secrets, often the information about donor conception or whatever kind of "explodes" out at a pressured time like an argument rather than being carefully thought through.
I can't say for sure my children will thank me for the nature of their conception but I have read testimonies by older donor conceived children who, whilst being curious about their origins, certainly don't hold anything but love for their parent/s. And my children have heard about donor conception from long before they could actually understand it. Dd1 is seven now and knows but has very little current interest.

[Molehillmountain]

Oh, and timetoask, as I've heard so many times on mumsnet, if there are so many children to adopt, why would it only be the preserve of the single and infertile to make this their first option? Why not ask the question of everyone seeking to have a family?

[FrenchJunebug]

I've done it, on my own. It's hard, very hard mentally as well as the daily looking after of the baby but I don't regret it one bit.

[FrenchJunebug]

Xmasbaby11 I was born 'naturally' and at 12 was told that my dad wasn't my dad. I wished I had known before as it would have explained with he disliked me. Being born from a single parent is has natural as any other birth. I really wanted my son and love him and it is better for him not to have a dad (might not be the case forever) than have a dad who dislike him or worse. YABVU

[SpecialAgentTattooedQueen]

Haven't read thread, just quickly popping in (will read later ) Unless in later posts you've claimed to sell crack to toddlers YADDDDDNBU! Who cares if you have a boyfriend/husband? Many children grow up missing one parental figure, and even psychology says if a child has one 'good' parent they'll turn out okay.

Good luck!

[stopmovingthefurniture]

I think it's gold dust for a child to have a loving parent, especially if there is some genetic relationship.

Posters here sometimes seem to feel militantly about the negative possibilities for a scenario like this. But it's been recognised in the research that those for whom a situation has not worked often put their view forward so strongly that everyone else forms a skewed impression of what the experience is like for most people. Those for whom a situation has worked (often the vast majority) often tend not to identify themselves with the issues at all, and do not contribute their voice.

So without diminishing the dangers, I don't think we should be afraid to imagine more positive outcomes. Many children (perhaps most children) are growing up without two parents who are genetically related to them under the same roof. They are coping with stepsiblings, different homes and often apparently 'thriving'. I would be much more concerned about these changing environments than a situation where one loving parent is discharging their parenting responsibilities conscientiously. I'm not saying that makes what you're proposing right or 'fair'. But it does highlight children's resilience and put the issue in perspective, relative to what many children in the UK experience as 'normal'.

I have lived with foster children who know exactly where they came from. If I could have done it, I would have exchanged those memories and that 'knowledge' of family for something different, without a second thought. They would have been fine without that knowledge. Looking at those children, at how hard they're trying to survive and grow, I know that all they need was love from a competent adult in the role of a parent. I'm deeply, deeply convinced that would have been sufficient for them to grow up on an equal footing with others, emotionally fulfilled and ready for adulthood.

All that to say, I don't think you need to feel that what you're planning is necessarily harmful to a child. Something that's not ideal can still be perfectly good enough. As most of the population can probably testify to.

[stopmovingthefurniture]

Just realised that the above post gives the impression that I feel parents who are not living together in a traditional set-up are not loving parents discharging their responsibilities well. I apologise for giving that impression and it was not my intention. I was trying to make the point that children are required to carry out emotional 'tasks' when family set-ups change and these tasks can be very challenging and sometimes overwhelming. In contrast, a donor conceived child may have the advantage of a family set-up that stays constant.