To consider using a sperm donor?

[MintChocChip147]

35 year old woman, not in a relationship, definitely want a baby. What are people's views on using a sperm donor?

[thekidsrule]

to add,mine was 15yrs ago when donors were the child had NO right at 18 to find them

i also egg shared for cheaper treatment and "gave" 7 away,have no idea if they resulted in babes

[Cherriesarelovely]

Hi OP, Dd was born through a donor, he was a good friend who was prepared to help me out but didn't want to be an active parent. I was never bothered about being a single parent. Just because you start off like that it doesn't mean you will always be single!

I have several friends who have had children in this way (mostly gay friends). Most of them, myself included have had almost no problems with it. I do think you have to give very serious consideration to being as appropriately open with your child about their background as soon as you can.

I also think it is a different situation if your child will never have the opportunity to meet their biological father. I'm not saying it is a disaster or a tragedy but I do have friends whose children are in this situation and they are very upset about it. That's not to say that all children would be but it is something to bear in mind.

In terms of the process and the bringing up of the baby I bet you will be absolutely fine, as long as you have some supportive family and friends to assist. Good luck. Please Pm if you like.

[AKissIsNotAContract]

If you want the child to have a dad, even if you aren't a couple, www.co-parentmatch.com/ might be good.

[SatsukiKusukabe]

oh, I'd have absolutely done this if I hadn't met dh and if adoption we're not an option. There are no relationship guarentees anyway.

[SatsukiKusukabe]

wearewtwrnal I think it's funny your friends family would be happier with her having accidentally conceived with an unknown random rather than by thought out decision to use a sperm donor

[porridgewithblueberries]

Satsuki - they do, though. I think it is because an accidental conception would be an accident that people "make the best out of" - the planning involved in being a single parent is what seems to elicit nervous responses from people, for the most part.

[franklygoes]

Hi OP. I did this when I was about the same age you are now. A few failed IUIs as a poster upthread mentioned, 2 cycles of IVF with the second one resulting in DD - be prepared for the road to conception to be a bit bumpier (and more expensive) than you thought! Apart from that though, I say do it. DD is the best thing that ever happened to me and she is a gorgeous, happy well adjusted babe and I am incredibly grateful to be her mum. Doing it all is tiring, but at least you're not constantly fighting over who's going to do what with another person, and hopefully you'll get support from friends or family. I have told her from the beginning how she was conceived, although for now it is only so many words to her - I just don't want a big 'reveal' later on in life. Go for it - and good luck!

[MintChocChip147]

Thanks everyone, all positive replies there, that makes me feel a bit more positive about it. I haven't really done any research on it yet. Does anyone know how much it is?

[juneau]

Via a reputable clinic? I'd expect it to be a few thousand pounds. There may also be a problem with availability as in this country now all donor DC have the right to know their donor father and this led to a massive drop in donors. It might be worth investigating the overseas options where they still have anonymous donation (USA and Canada are inc. in this, but I'm sure there are others).

[porridgewithblueberries]

june - there are enough donors, don't worry. Many UK clinics get it shipped in from abroad although it has to be open (not anonymous.)

Prices depends considerably depending on which method of treatment you choose - the most expensive if IVF + ICSI + donor sperm. All in all, for me it will be about £4,500. Worth it, though.

[ChippingInIsEggceptional]

Porridge - do you know what the success rate is (first time)?

[Bue]

In your situation I would definitely go for it.

[MintChocChip147]

That's interesting. I'll be honest, I haven't looked into it at all as its only something I've been thinking abut recently. Do you think ivf is the best way to go? Do you need a doctors referral for that?

[porridgewithblueberries]

Chipping - for IVF? It varies from clinic to clinic but the clinic I have my eye on is 45%. That's a skewed stat though as many ladies will be older (as in over 37) and/or have existing fertility problems x

Mint for me it is, I feel. You shouldn't need a doctor's referral if you go privately (which you'd probably have to to be honest.)

I went to a seminar ran by the London Women's Clinic which was free of charge and while I don't think I'll use them for my treatment as they are a bit far out for me I did base my decisions on the information I got. I contacted some clinics closer to home - most offer open days and evenings that are free and help you glean as much information as possible. I decided to use a sperm donor from abroad because there is more choice but you may want to use a UK donor.

I can't wait to become a Mummy! :) and this is a hugely exciting time for me.

[Nancy66]

Mintchoc - i would get yourself over to the Fertility Friends website - they have a single woman's section there.

Steer clear of the co-parenting sites they tend to be full of seedy men looking for unprotected sex

[nothingbyhalves]

Had I not met my dh when I did I think I would have gone down a similar path, that or adopting. Do your research and be prepared for possibility of multiple birth if doing Ivf. We have twins and it is hard work but worth it. Good luck x

[franklygoes]

Mint - I think Porridge is right re going straight to IVF. IUI (straightforward insemination) was the way my clinic wanted me to go first as there were not necessarily any fertility issues, but I had about four (five?) failed attempts which added up to more than one round of IVF would have cost.

IVF costs vary depending exactly what drugs and which clinic - I think mine were about £3500 a go. Wow. DD was very expensive. But totally worth every single last penny.

[franklygoes]

By the way - most people will be fab and really supportive of your decision, but we had one really nasty old woman at work who thought anyone not married first was no better than she ought to be...She looked me up and down and asked whether 'we knew who the father was' (she knew I was single, but didn't know about my treatments...) I looked her in the eye and told her the truth - that I wouldn't be be able to pick him out of a line up...she nearly fell over. Aah happy days

[porridgewithblueberries]

Congrats franky! I'm interested you had a girl as everything I've read indicates you're more likely to have a boy with IVF - is this true? I don't care what I have, by the way :) but I do find it interesting!

[b4bunnies]

i don't know anything about this, except that you say you are 35 and want a baby. go for it. i wish you success and great happiness.

[GlitteryShitandDanglyBaubles]

We still have the 'receipt' for dd!
I have given little thought to her donor father, other than a fervent whispered 'thank you!' when I poas and when she was born

She is almost 7, knows she was donor conceived and loves her embarrassingly open storybook that explains it...

Best thing I ever did OP, I realise it is a different for you as a lone parent, but wanted to add another positive voice, good luck, and another second vote for the fertility friends website, it was invaluable for me, but brace yourself for bubs abd bubbas and tickers and babydust aplenty!

[franklygoes]

porridge - don't know about the stats, but I was convinced i was going to have a boy too. Was always going to be delighted either way though.

Glittery - me too as far as donor is concerned - a fervent thank you every time - and if / when the time comes, he is welcome to get to know us. Now there's one man in the world that I would definitely like to buy a drink for...

Incidentally, I did hear (at the counselling session that was an obligatory part of the treatment) that children conceived via donor sperm tend to want to get in touch with the donor parent because they are interested in hearing about their other half siblings that may exist rather than because they want to find a parent figure (which can be more the case with children who have been adopted).I'm sure there will be issues to face - and it will no doubt give her a reason to be mad at me in years to come - but which teenagers don't need that?

[porridgewithblueberries]

I have heard that as well franky; I plan to be completely honest with my child and it never really crossed my mind to be anything else.

[MidniteScribbler]

I did, and it was the best thing I've ever done.

We've also met his half sister, and see her every couple of months. I think it's great that he'll be able to connect with her as he grows up.

[FreudiansSlipper]

have you thought your child may want to know their father

No matter how great you are as a mother and you may find a relationship and your child may have a father figure you are still making the choice that your child will never know who their father is that is quite a decision to make for someone else

you have to look at the bigger picture rather than just you wanting to have a baby