To consider using a sperm donor?

[MintChocChip147]

35 year old woman, not in a relationship, definitely want a baby. What are people's views on using a sperm donor?

[porridgewithblueberries]

I can only speak for myself but personally that's pretty much all I do think about.

However, I know SO many relationships that have broken down through horrible, lying, selfish, unkind men, and so many men that have gone on to start new families - I can't imagine never knowing their father could hurt as much as that.

[Molehillmountain]

Good luck! We have three children conceived with donor sperm. Just wanted to throw in our story. I was adamant we'd go straight for Ivf if not icsi as I wanted the success rate security. I'm glad I listened to the doc as it worked first time with iui for two of them (and quickly for ds but miscarriages). It depends on you and your individual fertility stats, I guess. I was also convinced we'd have a boy, which would have been fab too, and spent quite a few of dd1's first moments of life searching for a non existent part of her body . Dd knows about her conception although during the pregnancy for dd2 she was five and a half and not at all interested. Had prepped her reception teacher and no need at all. Great interest in how the baby would get out, none in how she got in.

[sideshowbob2]

i'm considering using donor sperm to become a mum, as i will be 35 this year, i know where to get sperm from and how much it costs and i also know when i'm ovulating, but where do i get the equipment to self-inseminate from???
anybody know the success rates of self-insemination???
all help greatly recieved!!!

[EdgeOfSociety]

Not very high I'm afraid, 15% for IUI - not sure about "at home" insemination.

If you go on prideangel website you can buy 'equipment.' I toyed briefly with this idea but I am going for ICSI with anonymous donor sperm.

Good luck.

[Toadinthehole]

porridge

I imagine there's quite a difference between knowing that your father is a turd and not knowing who your father is at all.

[Kewcumber]

there is Toad - I have turd-father, DS has no father. Its different but I couldn't honestly tell you that the rejection is any better than the absence, I think its worse but there are people who have no father who could tell you the other way and there are others who have no problem with either scenario.

You cannot guarantee a perfect situation for any child and very commonly people who cannot even get close to perfect have children they can't provide with a stable life. That does add a responsibility for those of us planning to start from a situation out of the ordinary. My personal experience is that parent who start behind put a lot of effort into compensating and there was some research done by (I think) a Phd student who interviewed some of my friends and their children which concluded that children of single mothers by choice (with totally absent fathers) tended to have well adjusted confident children.

Of course to a degree that just rationalisation on my part - on the whole we do what we want to in life rather than what we should.

[EdgeOfSociety]

Knowing who your father is (or indeed who your parents are) seems to be 'one of those things' - important to some, not others. I have a friend who is adopted and isn't remotely interested in finding out who her 'real' parents are.

I wonder if a couple with a non existent sperm count would be considered wrong to use a sperm donor, as that child will technically not know who their father is? I imagine that would be fine? So it's the lack of male role-models? But I take it we're OK with same-sex couples having a child? So - it's the idea of someone on their own, really, when it is boiled down, I think, that makes someone feel that it is less than ideal, less than perfect.

There are all sorts of awful situations a child can be born into. Born to a loving mother who dearly wanted the child isn't the worst. It's actually one of the best!

[Quangle]

I did this, twice. Like other posters, it's the best thing I ever did. Of course it's bloody hard being a single parent but everything worthwhile requires some sacrifice. I have no life outside DCs and work but that's ok for now.

My children know their story and think it's normal. They are young so don't yet understand all the implications but they totally think its normal. I do too - I actually forget this is not the way most people have babies. It all seems a bit weird beforehand when you are choosing from a catalogue and injecting yourself with weird hormones but once the baby arrives you are just a mum and it's normal.

Agree that the Donor Conception Network is good for helping people think this through and ditto Fertility Friends.

[Lioninthesun]

Just seen this thread and thought I would share too. I conceived DD with a man I met on a donor website. I had decided after a lot of research that I wanted to meet the man first, as I wanted to check he didn't just look good on paper. We got on very very well and ended up having a relationship. After half a year and after I was pregnant, he decided it was all too much and left. Then he returned and left again. It was a horrid time.
I know I wouldn't have been happy not meeting the father (as other people have said on here, your DC can meet them at 18, so I think personally I would rather meet them first!) but I do wish I hadn't been so charmed by him. He still hasn't 100% decided if he wants to be in her life and it has been quite stressful (exactly the relationship side I was trying to avoid tbh), even though he hasn't seen her since she was 6mo.
However, I have pics of him and her together which I hope will help her when she is older and wonders what he looked like and solve all of the 'looking for a face in a crowd' problems I read about with kids on the Donor Conception website.
Donor sites where you meet the donor are full of dodgy men though so I don't know if I would advise that route - took me over 6 months to find someone I thought was decent!

[Lioninthesun]

On the soppy side DD is the best thing in my life and I wouldn't change her for the world.
I don't have a huge family but we are coping fine. My dad pointed out that most of her friends will have divorced or separated parents by the time they are at school anyway, so not inflicting the trauma of arguing etc seems a positive if you think of it that way too.

[Quangle]

Born to a loving mother who dearly wanted the child isn't the worst. It's actually one of the best!

YY to this Edge. I know the DCs will have issues at some point and they may need to wrestle with the father issue. I'm prepared for that. But they will never face having a parent leave them (as I did, not that that's why I did it this way). They are so very loved - by me and my family - and have a great deal more security than many children in nuclear families. So for us it's not a sob story. It's a good story (so far!)

[C999875]

Brilliant. If you want a baby then go for it. I am in a similar situation. I am 37 and a single mum very broody. I am ttc through natural insemination, not ideal to many people but it works for me but if sperm donation suits you then go for it. My attitude is I can't wait forever for my Prince charming to come riding by. xx

[PollyIndia]

I am a fairly new single mum - my baby is 7 months. His dad is an ex who I had a fling with in Thailand last year. He doesn't want to be involved at all. A few people around my age (37) have told me recently that they are thinking of going down the sperm donor route. It's not something I ever thought I would do before I got pregnant - I always thought I would leave whether or not I had kids up to fate by which I meant meeting someone I wanted to have a relationship with. Knowing what I know now, I would do it in a heartbeat. My baby is the best thing that ever happened to me. I was never sure I wanted kids, but it has really made me so deeply content and filled a need I didn't even know I had. So far, and I am only 7 months in, it isn't that much harder as far as I can see than it is for my friends in relationships. In some ways it is easier as you can find your own rhythm and not have to factor someone else in. The things I really miss are lie-ins and yoga, both of which aren't possible. What has helped me, was going back to work early - I have my own consultancy so went back 2 days a week from 3 months - and this gave me time to do other things too. Then having lots of friends with babies and supportive family and also owning my own home. It's tough financially but manageable, which helps. I don't want money from the ex. It probably also helps that i am very independent. I do worry about him feeling unhappy about not having a relationship with his dad though.

Good luck. I would say go for it on the basis of my experience.

[ilikehomecookedfood]

it doesn't actually surprise me Beatrice, because the circumstance surrounding your conception were hushed up and finding out by accident must have been very hard to deal with.

Are you against women using donor eggs, or lesbian couples using donated sperm, or hetrosexual couples who need to for whatever reason using donated sperm?

[Lioninthesun]

Beatrice those are the kind of blogs I read before choosing a donor, and why I decided to meet him myself. Sadly he has himself chosen not to have contact with his daughter, although this is open to him. I have no intention of pretending to her that she is not his child at any time and how I decided to have her by meeting him as a donor initially.

I am sad that you feel so let down. I do think it is an interesting topic to raise though, thank you.

[ilikehomecookedfood]

For my part, I am using an anonymous donor - to me, my child(ren) will have a right to know him when they turn 18.

I have done my research and have concluded that honesty is important, and will never be anything but honest with my child. I hope that will be enough. I'm sorry you had a rotten time of it, Beatrice - sounds very difficult.

[WwhoWwhereWwhatWwhenWwhy]

YANBU. Note that only by having treatment at a registered clinic will there be no legal connection with the donor. If you don't use a registered clinic, then the donor is the legal father and may claim access, and, the donor may also be be liable for maintenance.

I donated in 2007. 9 Children so far.

[CoteDAzur]

Praying - Would you rather have not existed at all?

[Kasterborous]

Someone I used to work with had a one night stand to become pregnant as she wanted a child but not a partner, she changed completely once she became pregnant, she used to be quite a nasty person at times, but she became much nicer when she was pregnant and had her son. She did the same again to have another baby. Very sadly she had a brain haemorrhage and died when they were only two and ten months old. Her Mum had them. Not that I'm saying for a minute that will happen to you.

If its what you want go for it.

[ilikehomecookedfood]

I can understand that, Beatrice: I think there are all sorts of circumstances which must be difficult for a child to process and to come to terms with.

The very honest question I had to put to myself was, if I was an unborn child (with somehow the logic of an adult!), would I want to be born to me? Would I want to grow up in the sort of environment I could offer a child? This wasn't something I thought of lightly and in fact it took two years to reach a definite decision and some lifestyle changes, in the form of a new home.

I feel very genuinely the answer is yes. What I can't offer my child (a father) is offset against the fact they will have an extremely loving and involved mother and they will be the centre of my world because of this: attention and time won't have to be "shared" (that isn't me suggesting my setup is superior to couples, it is just to counter the lack of one parent means absolute devotion from the other.)

Some people will still disagree, and that's fine, because I have reached the stage where I feel confident in the decision I am taking. My child will be very loved, cared for and provided for and I don't believe they will miss out. :) I'm sorry you did. x

[Xmasbaby11]

I don't agree with it. I think it's unfair to the child who will never have a father or any knowledge of 50% of his ancestry. You can do the best job in the world but the child will still be missing a father. It's not natural.

That's just my opinion, and maybe if it was a friend of mine, I'd be more open to the idea.