To not want PIL to stay even though they have nowhere else to go?

[curiousgeorgie]

PIL are having some work done on their house. Loads actually, it's a complete renovation and DH and I are overseeing it for them.

It was supposed to start last month and be finished by June but due to delays and adding a few extra things on its not not supposed to finish until mid to late July.

I'm due June 25th but will be having a C Section at either 38/39 weeks... I already have a 2 year old DD and to top it all off am moving house around the 3rd June.

PIL have been told that they should be out of the house for the whole of June until the work is complete. Before that they can stay and builders will work around them. They were going to stay with BIL & SIL but just learned that they will have her mother over (good timing!!) for practically the whole month and don't have the room, but we have a spare room, and after we move will have 2 spare rooms... So PIL have just assumed they're coming to us.

My DH is out of the house from 7-7, and PIL are in ALL day. I don't think I want them there when I am really heavily pregnant and just wanting to sleep in front of the tv with DD, enjoy seeing friends and not be a hostess. I also think it will be absolutely awful to have them in the house when I'm just home from a c section... My DH is planning 2 weeks paternity and 2 weeks working from home and it was a month I've been so looking forward to.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable. He thinks they'll love being here and can look after the baby / DD for me... But I just don't want that. Even though they made a joke to DH that it's stay with us or in a box somewhere

So... AIBU??

[GregBishopsBottomBitch]

I would put my foot down and say no, or go and stay with your parents, because i had a c section, and if i had to put up with lazy and over helpful PIL, i'd fucking scream.

[GregBishopsBottomBitch]

and do not get me started on the dog thing, DH needs a good slapping for that one.

[DontmindifIdo]

No way is this possible! You need to lose it a bit at dh for even thinking itll be ok! Other options, short term let, (have a look now in your area so you can present it as a viable option rather than an idea) or holiday for 2-3 weeks. Other options, would your parents help out if they have a spare room?

But do your research today then sit down with your dh tonight, say its not possible for them to stay at your house and here are the alternatives you've thought of, what other ideas does dh have and when will he talk to them? Don't let yourself be bullied into it, or let the plans slide, if an alternative plan isn't in place by April, you know it'll be "oh it's too late to sort anything do they are coming here"

[FryOneFatManic]

It's seems obvious to me that your PIL will want you pandering to them.

No way, not at such a time.

I had a CS with my first. Despite being a quick healer, it was still about 3-4 weeks before I could stand up completely straight. I was pretty much undressed for the first couple of weeks while establishing bf, and there's no way I would want to find myself restricted to staying in the bedroom for a large part of the time; babies feed a lot sometimes.

And then there's the fact you will have an older child. She will need attantion too, and if your FIL hates noise while watching the sports, then your DD is going to find herself shushed for a large part of the time. This could easily lead her to think she's being naughty, or worse, resenting the baby because it'll all be happening around that time.

You can show your DH some of these posts, if he doesn't get it. While I appreciate his mum is excited, you are the one who'll have given birth, you are the one who'll be recovering from a CS, who will need the care and attention, you are the one who'll need space and privacy to establish bf, and all the other bits and pieces that go with looking after a newborn.

If my DP had even hinted at this, we would have been having a very firm one-sided conversation!

[INeverSaidThat]

Excellent post by Ledkr. She has convinced me!

[SanityClause]

Correct me if I'm wrong.

You are moving house on 3 June.
You are having a C section some time between 11 June and 18 June.

How do you expect to have a month of lying around on the sofa while heavily pregnant? You will be packing things into boxes and taking stuff to the charity shop.

They want to stay with you in June, but you are moving in June?

You have already taken on too much. (Not criticising, it's the sort of thing I would do!)

Incidentally, their building work will run over schedule - they always do. So they will be with you for 6 to 8 weeks, not 4.

Speak to DH about this. He has his rosy tinted specs on. Give him the examples ledkr gives above.

Also, why does he think you would you want someone else to look after you new baby?

If your PIL are the type to look after you, and do all the cleaning, meal preparation, etc for the family, then maaaaaybee. If not, or even if you just don't know, then I would say they need to reschedule their building work to a time that suits you, if they need to stay at your house. Or rent somewhere.

[claudedebussy]

this will not just be a month.

it's the whole of june, the whole of july and as we all know, building work takes longer than you expect. it's only march and it's already moved by a month.

they will be staying with you for months on end.

i actually agree with hitting it straight back into bil's court. you say - sorry - house move, major surgery, newborn, 2yo. far far far too much for you to deal with as it is.

i'm betting that bil and future sil are very smug having dodged that bullet.

and when bil and future sil find it hard with their pfb you can calmly remind them of what you had to deal with.

fuckers the lot of them.

[MadamGazelleIsMyMum]

OP, you need to explain to DH that it wont work. Dont be persuaded, if your gut feeling is no, then that's your answer.

[Greensleeves]

You need to set a precedent here OP. If you let them (and dh) ride roughshod over your feelings now, you will never be able to put decent boundaries in place around you and your dc.

Stay calm, rational and pleasant, say NO and stick to it. If there is bad feeling, let dh and BIL/SIL absorb it. They're his parents!

[RobotHamster]

There's no explaining, no asking and no bargaining here OP. Just an absolutely NO.

[saffronwblue]

OP YANBU. This is a terrible proposition and may leave scars for years to come. Don't let it happen - put all the pressure you can on your DH and BiL to do something different.

[fedupofnamechanging]

I would say a categorical no to this, if I was in your shoes. You will be miserable with them there, at a time when you need to have your own space. it's all very well fro your dh, but he can bugger off to work. I think your feelings need to take priority here.

Your IL's chose to have all this work done - it's down to them to find somewhere to stay. if they can afford the work, they can afford to rent somewhere to live while it's being done. Don't let them make this your problem.

I'd offend whoever I needed to, in order to avoid having anyone stay when I'd just had a baby.

[FairyJen]

The breast feeding thing is a point. Nothing wrong with feeding in public at all obviously but I personally would feel a bit weird at having my baps out in front of my fil day in day out... That's just me tho

[FryOneFatManic]

Your DH needs to understand you won't be wanting anyone to look after the baby. I don't think I know of any new mothers who were happy at being parted from their newborn, even if it was just for a short walk to the shops.

He needs to be putting your needs first. This is too much to ask on top of all your other stuff going on.

[JassyRadlett]

I can't quite believe all the people suggesting that having ILs you're not 100% comfortable with at the best of time staying could be ok when you've a newborn.

Yes, having someone to take DD to the park or out elsewhere or help with the odd meal would be nice. They don't need to be staying in your house to do that, and if they're decent/live close they'll do that anyway.

Depending on your experience the first few weeks can be a time when you want a hell of a lot of privacy - to weep hysterically about the fact your newborn's face has changed slightly and they are already growing up too fast, to deal with all the post-birth pain and mess and leaking, to sit wherever you like half-naked from the waist up trying to get feeding sorted and enjoying skin to skin, to survive on whatever food you've scavenged from the kitchen without worrying whether it qualifies as a meal, and to not have to converse with anyone except if you feel like it.

The cost of being out of home is part of the cost of doing home renovations. They've been let down by your BIL and SIL, so their budget has changed. Maybe this means they can't have the landscaping as they have to get a short-term rental instead. I'm struggling to have a great deal of sympathy for them, they sound fairly thick-skinned and self-centred.

TBH it sounds like your DH is the real sticking point. Maybe you should tell him that PILs are welcome to come to stay but DH will have to find a holiday let for you and the DCs for the duration and be responsible for all packing, logistics, etc.

[olgaga]

Just say no, OP. Their business, not yours. Up to them to sort it out.

No, no, no, no, no....

[claudedebussy]

never have i seen aibu so unanimous!!

[diddl]

If they could be trusted to piss off after I would probably offer them the first week.

When BIL/SIL said that they would have them-was this for different dates before the work overran, or just a general yes?

[GladbagsGold]

I have two lots of inlaws. One lovely and one 'other lot'. I read your post thinking yabu, imagining my lovely inlaws staying.... then read your description of your inlaws and realised they are like my 'other lot' and NO WAY would I accept this!

What are your parents like and where do they live in relation to you? Is there any chance of you and 2yo moving in there for a while? Escape the house move, escape the Inlaws, get looked after by your parents. Then DH have his parental leave when you move back home.

[olgaga]

The dog can stay with your parents?

How about you and your DD stay with your parents if your DH insists on his parents living at yours?

[maddening]

Could you go and stay with your parents?

Any other relatives that could have them?

Could dh send them on holiday at his expense? There'll be lots of deals on in june.

[diddl]

Maybe they'll have to cut back on the extras so that they can rent somewhere/go away/stay in a caravan somewhere?

[ScottyDoc]

No fcuking way. Dh needs to grow a pair (pathetic the amount of grown men won't stand up for their wives) and tell them no. You guys can help them with the cost of a hotel or whatever, seeing as they are apparently on the breadline with the weddings and house renovations. You will be bleeding heavily, having minor accidents here and there and will want to wash clothes regularly, as well as bonding with your newborn. Your eldest may also feel pushed out with all the inevitable fussing and faffing over babies that some in laws do.

Any decent and compassionate human will understand that imposing on a heavily pregnant family member as well as being there after a c section is HIGHLY inappropriate and wrong. If they cannot get that through their thick skulls then frankly they aren't worth worrying about at all. ledkr has it absolutely spot on.

[maddening]

Ooo yes hire them a camper van and they can live on their drive.

My friend's dps had a house built and lived in a caravan in the garden for 2 years.

[FryOneFatManic]

Tell your DH his PIL can stay but that you will be staying with your parents, along with the dog........

Show him this thread, he'll be just another bloke who doesn't get it. It took my midwife to explain to DP that I would not be able to clear out the junk room after a CS (lots of heavy stuff). He's a caring bloke, but simply hadn't understood the reality of a CS.

TBH a lot of people don't understand the reality of a CS, it's lumped in with the whole giving birth thing for some people. "It might be a CS, but she's only given birth so it can't be that bad, can it?" (Direct quote of one of mum's friends.)