To want her to see me as mum, not 'the lady I live with'?

[Lilka]

I have 3 DC's, and DD2 is nearly 17. I adopted her when she was 8 years old.

This is tagging on the end of the last month or so, after she met her other/first/birth mum in a shop (complete surprise, just bumped into each other) and they've been facebooking each other etc since. And I have been through a lot of emotions regarding that

Anyway, today she gave me a mothers day card and gift - obviously organised by DD1 but this is what happens every year so doesn't bother me - and I was ever so happy until about half an hour ago. Apart from giving me the card, she's not been pleasant to be with all day. Argumentative, defiant, now she's completely ignoring me (not responding at all when I talk to her) to play with her neice (DD1's little girl) instead. So I went on Facebook to wish my friends a good day, and found DD2 has posted a lovely message to her other mum, 'Dear Mum, I luv you soooo much hav a luvly day, ur amazing xxxxxxx'... (lots of kisses and hug signs)...and Mum is happy and telling DD what a sweetie pie she is and how much she loves her little pumpkin. Great. Except that I feel like shit.

I want a facebook message telling me she loves me (she did send her mum a MD card, the message wasn't a replacement for that) as well. I want her to see me as 'mum' as well. I'm quite fine with being one of two mums, I really am, but I'm miserable feeling like 'nice lady I live with' compared with 'actual mum'. :(

And yes, I know this must be a hard day for DD and throwing up lots of hard stuff for her. I do get it. But I've spent 8 years being mum, doing mum things...fighting for her in school, fighting for her to get therapy and going through it with her, loving her, trying to make her feel safe, and actually living with her and her emotional, behavioural and MH issues. But this really bloody hurts. AIBU here?

Lilka be brave. Maybe she doesn't always appreciate you but does she deserve you, does she deserve to be loved with your extravagant, generous love? I know you will say yes. So go on loving and being the wonderful person you are, whatever she does or feels or says, underneath it all, YOU know, you know what you have been through and what she has been through. No one can promise it will all work out or that she will ever fully appreciate you, but she does deserve you, and you love her, so the pain and sadness is part of it. Maybe we don't really what it is like, but she is there, you can continue to love her, it's a real blessing even if a painful one. You also have the rest of your wonderful family so take the comfort from them and save a little of that strength in reserve for you lovely dd and I really do pray that this current sadness will pass.

I can understand and it must be so painful for you. But 17 is probably one of the trickiest ages for really understanding and accepting the self.
She adores you and knows exactly what you've done for her, and if it is any consolidation my DDs at that age were all moody and stroppy and would get irritated at anything I did- and it hurt!
She probably has always fel very 'odd one out' amongst her friends. While she had you, she alwyas knew she didn't have a birth parent who loved and cared for her and it probably has always messed with her self-esteem and self-identity.
Now she has her mum, and her mum is responding and reinforcing your DD, it is all so novel and exciting. The facebook is probably half wanting friends to see, she will want them to know she has a birth parent too.

Try, as hard as it must be, to look at it as your DD finding herself and struggling along working out who she is and what role all the people in her life take. Unlike most, she has always not fitted 'the mould' and so probably felt inferior. This is exciting for her. Maybe try and talk about her BM and all the excitement, help her as a united front to work through the situation- don't put across your feelings too directly as it will make her think you are jealous or don't want her to be in contact with her mum ...and at this vulnerable age, could drive her away from you.

Sorry didn't read all of thread.. Hope my post sort of is useful! I used to teach and then did some research including some time studying adoption.

My DD (12 turning 13), who is not adopted,also treats me like 'the lady she has to live with' at the moment and it's equally depressing. I think it has more to do with being or almost being a teenager than with their biological connection with you. [hug]

I think previous posters are right.

She clearly views her birth Mum's love as conditional, she has to behave a certain way in order to have it.

You, well you really are her Mum, your love is completely unconditional, in Dr Phil's words you are her 'soft place to fall'. So you get all the shit, all the trauma, all the fear because she knows no matter what you will love her - but you will also get the Daughter when she grows out of it.

Must suck and hurt at the moment though.

I feel for you, Lilka. I'm guessing that your DD2 is also testing you a bit as she has learned that Mums can leave their girls.

Keep in there, she'll recognize what you've given her, and remember that she hasn't left you, so obviously she isn't so in love with her other mum that she is leaving the one she knows and trusts!

Thanks for the support everyone :)

I do worry about the future. I worry that she'll want to go live with her mother. The idea is horrid - partly because it would rip me up inside, and partly because as much as she thinks she can take care of herself, she can't. I think she'd go on a massive downwards spiral, living with a mother who has problems, with no proper support for her own issues. Her mother wouldn't be able to cope with some of her behaviours and MH problems, I just about cope. Forget education.

However I can't help thinking that she'd never manage to leave on her own...maybe partly because she subconsciously feels safer here? I hope she feels safer here

nailak - being adopted is a hard adjustment at any age but especially older. However the reduction in contact and adoption was the best decision that could be made for her. Sadly love does not make for a healthy or functional relationship.

I don't think DD is a normal teenager with normal behaviour. I think she's always been a not-neurotypical girl who requires more intense parenting than a NT child, but when she started puberty all the teenager hormones and changes got thrown into the mix as well. Not a good combination, trust me! Some of her behaviour is definitely in line with other teenagers but most of it is more intense, certainly much more intense than my friends and relatives teenagers.

Big hugs to,you leika. You are doing a fantastic job. When your dd is grown up, mature adult she will look ack and realise who her real mum was. The one who brought her up, de her into the person she is, loved her unconditionally was there through the god and bad, that person is you!

If she did live with her mum ther s every chanc she might bevrejected or discarded as mum is unable to cope. Then se will realise who her real mum is. Yur dd is still very young and impressionable, all you can do as mum is ove her unconditionally and be ther to pick up the pieces