Dh has just announced he is going out tonight and tomorrow night. I have a week old baby and 2 other children under 5. AIBU to feel mightily pissed off with him

[Mugglewhump]

i have just arrived home from visiting my Mum on mothers day with all 3 children. As I walked through the door and just as DH's parents arrive at the house he announces to me "by the way I forgot I am going out tonight and also tomorrow night" He brought tickets for 2 comedy nights a few months ago (and would have known full well we would have had a newborn baby)

His will be going out just before bath and bedtime so i will have to bath 2 under 5's and get them to bed whilst the newborn screams as it will coincide with the time newborn ds normally cluster feeds.

Aibu to feel pissed off about this? I will have to sit on my own this evening with a baby plugged into my boob who i can't put down feeling pissed off, upset and knackered and to top it all its bloody Mothers day. I am fuming. Dh went out only 1wk ago to see Harry Hill (this was when i was 8 days overdue and could have gone into labour at anytime) but I was fine with this as thought I would be v miserable to moan and make him stay at home with me.

In 1wks time he has to go to Prague for a week with work so he will get rest and sleep whilst yet again I am left literally holding the baby! Am i being a miserable cow as Dh has just told me?

[Mugglewhump]

well he has gone out. leaving me crying on the bed. he has bathed ds (22 months)
n baby
He has not apologised and instead simply chosen to ignore the fact I am upset and was all happiness and light over tea, engaging in conversalf tion with the children. I could not even bring myself to speak to him. He has justified his behaviour with convincing himself that I am being hormonal and trying to control him. He came over to say goodbye and despite clearly seeing me crying just walked out and left.

I think its clear this is a major problem and him pretending its ok and ignoring me is not on. Its just so sad that we have a beautiful newborn baby and that a night out is more important to him than his wife. Where do I go from here? Would this be a deal breaker for you?

[Mugglewhump]

whoops posted twice ,one handed typing whilst feeding baby.

[Afrodizzywonders]

Personally, i'd have hit the roof, yadnbu.

[ChairmanWow]

"so I am not allowed to go out now then and have to stay at home until you say I can go out?"

To which I would respond 'Got it in one'. I'd have absolutely no problem in making him stay in. If he sulks then just go into another room and let him stew - much like you've had to for much of the afternoon. You just don't get to do this with a newborn. That's life.

Not sure about showing him the thread, but some PPs' examples of DPs would help. I'll add my own in. I'm 39 weeks pregnant and DH hasn't had more than one beer for about 3 weeks now. I've had to tell him to go out because he doesn't want to be presumptive and make arrangements when I'm having a hard pregnancy and we have a toddler. Even then he only goes somewhere nearby in case things start happening. It's what being a supportive partner is all about.

If he goes out then I second what PP said. Stick your key in the lock so he can't get back in. He doesn't deserve a comfy bed while you're up half the night feeding.

[Afrodizzywonders]

Omg, cross posted....he's bloody gone out!!
I have a 3 month old and toddler, my DH wouldn't have done that to me, you need to sort this out with him. I'd get your family and his to have words...if he won't take it from you then, get their backing.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

So what if you ARE hormonal? You have just given birth. You are probably also tired, still healing, exhausted, dealing with establishing BFing and getting fuck all sleep. This should mean that he is caring, supportive and kind to you, much more than normal. He thinks it is an excuse to ignore your feelings.

It might not be a deal breaker but the nasty comments and lying that he told you might be.

[CockyPants]

I'd like to nominate him for
Cunt of the Day.

[landofsoapandglory]

You are supposed to be hormonal when you have just given birth FFS! He is a bastard of the highest order!

Don't cry, though Muggle because your new baby will pick up on it, as will your other DC and you could be in for a difficult night. You have done nothing wrong. You are not a miserable cow. The person in the wrong here is him and only him.

If I were you I'd get the DC to bed early and have as early a night as possible and spend the day at my mum's tomorrow.

Have a (hug), a , some from me.xxx

[Yama]

I don't know about dealbreaker but I certainly wouldn't be able to forgive. Don't think my hormones would allow me.

I am quite a forgiving (and forgetting) type but anyone who wrongs me when I'm vulnerable I have remembered. It sticks.

[Mugglewhump]

I do not want to control him and tell what he can and can't do and I shouldn't have to. If he had told me a few weeks ago and it was just one night and he hadn't been out for a while then although I wouldn't have been thrilled it would have been fine.

I do appreciate that I have not done an awful lot today apart from the usual washing up, washing clothes and the general stuff that comes with having 3 kids. It was nice he cooked tea but i don't think that is much too much to expect in the circumstances. His Mum told him she thought he shouldn't go out but he doesn't really listen to her and his Dad doesn't want to get involved which is fair enough as its our problem to sort out.

We have had issues in the past in our relationship usually regarding housework and his lack of help, which will end up in us having a big row and then us coming to a compromise with him saying he will help more and me trying to be less snappy and relax a bit more as I am a bit ocd about the house being clean and tidy. I predict in the morning he will pretend nothing has happened and avoid any discussion unless I bring it up. If he is still determined he is going out again tomorrow night it will definitely mean its time for me to issue some ultimatums.

[Daffodilly]

YADNBU. He is. With a one week old DC3 he should be looking after the other two in between waiting on you hand and foot, leaving you to recover and look after newborn.

Was he at the birth?? Perhaps he needs reminding of what your body went through a week ago (not to mention the preceding 9 months). You are still recovering.

Wrack him with guilt and then at bare minimum compromise with him going out AFTER feeding you all, putting DC 1 and 2 to bed and ensure you and newborn are on sofa with everything you can possibly need within reach. Surely the good acts don't come on until later so he won't miss much.

P.S. congratulations on new baby and good luck with 3. We are 3 months into baby #3 and its been crazy but wonderful.

[youmaycallmeSSP]

Put your key on the lock and ignore all noise.

[youmaycallmeSSP]

P.S. total sympathy for you. I'm having the same kind of rubbish and am trying to work out whether it's a deal breaker or not. Absolutely horrible kind of situation.

[TiddlyOmPomPom]

Gawd Muggle he is being a selfish shit, I am sorry you're having to deal with this.

If he had genuinely forgotten, a decent bloke would have said "Oh shit I'd forgotten about my comedy tickets - would you mind if I went to one of them?" And rehomed at least one of the tickets ASAP.

To just tell you he's going out and 'stuff you' is utter twattery. :(

[HenriettaChicken]

...and how would he feel if you went out 2 nights in a row?

[quesadilla]

To be honest I think going out at night at more or less any time in the first two to three weeks after the arrival of a baby is a bit out of order. I would have thrown a wobbler if my DH had. You are physically wrecked, often emotionally all over the place and certainly sleep deprived. Then chuck in two older children and you have a nightmare. One night would have been insenditive at that point in the post both time. Two is taking the piss. If its any comfort I have heard tons of horror stories about otherwise ok blokes who behave like 24 carat arses in the weeks immediately after their oh gives birth and who then have a word with themselves and grow up. So he may be having a bit of man flu PND. But I would be having stern words and don't let him get away with this miserable cow guilt tripping,

[quesadilla]

Post birth time, not post both time,

[xigris]

Definitely definitely YNBU. You're being a saint. It's really not fair and yes, I agree with the other posts that have pointed out that you're still very much recovering after only giving birth a week ago let alone caring for two other under 5s. Show him this thread!! for you

[Tuppytuptup]

Key in the door every time. Give him a wake up call the cunt.

[IsItMeOr]

DH is surprised you have had sex with this man three times.

I think that means YANBU and your H is being an enormously selfish excuse of a father.

He really shouldn't need telling this. But DH's instant response was that he should obviously be giving the tickets away.

Hope you've managed to get both the older DCs in bed now and settled down having newborn cuddles.

[ClippedPhoenix]

Oh OP I really feel for you. He's clearly one of those who thinks he's far more important that you.

I personally can't stand this type of man, he won't change either. It's an inbread type of selfishness that will never be erradicated.

[Forester]

If it's any consolation you've probably put rather a dampner on his night out. I suspect that he just got himself into a position where he didn't want to back down - rather than not recognising that you were upset. But he's definitely in the wrong. I don't think it's a deal breaker but I do think you need to have a conversation with him (maybe in a few days time when you're feeling a bit calmer) to explain why this was such an issue to you and hopefully he'll acknowledge then he was out of order.

[NoTimeForS]

How could he go out to enjoy a comedy show leaving you crying on the bed? Does he not like you at all? :(

He has behaved absolutely terribly. If I was his mum I would have told him he stayed in or I would bloody disown him. Seriously. What a prick.

[Ledkr]

Jeeeze is it just me but one week post birth I was still being looked after and not really expected to do much but care for the baby.
Does he realise that pregnancy and birth are not like sneezing and you feel pretty shit for a while after?
You obviously can't leave with a newborn but maybe you need to evaluate things and plan to do him the same courtesy when the baby is older and take your time too. Let's hope the selfish cunt gets the noro virus so that you can leave him to cope alone and not give him a scrap of sympathy.
Considering he's such a miserable twat he sees a lot of comedy btw

[Ledkr]

Oh yeah and spit in his tea clean the toilet with his toothbrush and put dog food in his dinner then sit back and enjoy.