To expect only the guests I've invited to turn up to my DD's party?

[mummyloveslucy]

It was my daughters 8th birthday recently and I envited all the girls from her class. Most of them replied and one asked if she could bring her sister. I said yes, then kind of wished I hadn't, because I thought now I can't say no to any other siblings and there could be loads.
Anyway, we had all the replies, so I bought the right nomber of party bags, specially made cup-cakes etc and set a pretty table with the right nomber of chairs. Then 3 siblings turn up. There parents hadn't asked me if this was o.k, if they had, I would've set extra places etc. The siblings sat at the table and so there wasn't enough room, which caused 3 tearful girls. I had to squash them in on the corners. Then the uninvited siblings were waiting for party bags. (With their parents!!) The parents even expected that the siblings that hadn't been invited should get a party bag. When I said "I'm really sorry, but I only have enough for the girls I invited" They looked rather disgruntled.
Is this quite the norm when it comes to parties? I thought I was very rude, but is that just me??
I put so much effort into this party as it's the first one since she's been at the school, and felt it was a bit of a flop. My daughter has SEN's and became quite overwhelmed and tearfull. She's never had a party with that many children before. (I know that's my fault for inviting too many)
I think next year we'll just have a little party at home with one friend.

[CelticPixie]

This is one of the rudest things I've ever heard! I would never ever assume the both of my children were invited to a party, and if I was ever stuck for child care I wold telephone the parents in advance and ask if it was OK to bring them along. I most certainly wouldn't expect extra party bags though, how flipping rude are some people?!

[babyfirefly1980]

I've never experienced this thank god!
But can't get over some of the stories on here, some people are just plain awful.

[DIYapprentice]

Oh, don't get me wrong. I didn't expect to be given a party bag or food - Pfft was for the glare and the 'I SUPPOSE DS2 can come' in a very disgruntled manner. They were the options - both children or no children - especially given that SHE didn't want children dropped - she was unimpressed with either option.

Seriously, some parents want EVERYTHING their way. All invited children to attend the party unless you can come up with a damn good reason (can't have their DC looking unpopular), parents to stay with children (superivising invited children? Oh no, we don't want to do that), no siblings allowed (in a great big hall that was half empty). JUST DOESN'T WORK FOR EVERYONE!!!!

So it's not just the parents of invited children that can be a PITA. The parents of the party child can be huge PITAs.

[Snoopingforsoup]

YANBU. It has happened to me too many times.
Even worse are the parents who never RSVP and just turn up!
I've never had my numbers right yet!

[DIYapprentice]

I don't think you can assume people must accept children they haven't invited

But when you're in a small village, where you know EVERYONE in the school, you know all the siblings (names and rough ages), and when all the other village hall parties have been more than welcoming of siblings - then it is not unreasonable to ask if it would be ok, as otherwise the invited child wouldn't be able to come. I would have been quite happy with a 'no, we're limited with numbers'. Almost all of the other mums would have been upset if I had turned down an invitation to DS1 because I didn't have someone to look after DS2.

And its certainly not reasonable to have your head bitten off for daring to ask, and then to be lecture on my childcare options (I kid you not!). Trust me, she was a PITA. We did end up going without DS2 as DH's trip didn't eventuate and DS1 really did want to go.

When DH was outside with DS2 waiting for the party to finish and walk us home (hall next to the playground and party running over time) she then smiled really sweetly and said 'Oh why doesn't DS2 come in, there's plenty of room and cake'......

[DIYapprentice]

And no, DS2 did NOT go in.....

[lesmisfan]

Of course YANBU and it was an 8th birthday party. Why on earth did the parents all stay?

[DIYapprentice]

But in this case the no sibling thing hadn't been flagged. Once it was flagged, no problem. There have been some parties that the invite flagged 'no siblings' and if I couldn't have taken DS1 and left DS2 with someone then he either wouldn't have gone, or would go with someone else, and other parties were a sibling could come but you pay for them yourself and get their own food.

But tbh going with someone else is a new thing, as he really is only old enough and confident enough to do so now - 5 turning 6, loud noises can stress him, he's usually easygoing but won't stick up for himself and there is one particular child that we have bullying issues with so a lack of supervision would be an issue for me (this clearly would not be a standard issue for most children, but I can imagine the lack of confidence one would be quite common in 4 - 5 year olds). The last party was a disco party, and if I couldn't attend that with DS1 he DEFINITELY would not have gone, because the noise completely freaked him out, and it was very crowded. He took a good 40 odd minutes to settle into the party, and if I hadn't been there I doubt he would have settled in at all.

My point is I don't think asking whether a sibling could attend is always rude - as some people are saying. If it is a fairly close knit group, where you also know the siblings (and know what they are like) I think it is quite acceptable to ask (but not insist!). I know I, and most of the other parents at our school, would prefer to have siblings attend rather than the invitee not attend - especially younger ones or the ones just a year older and still at the school as we all know the children! I guess in a larger school where you wouldn't necessarily know the parent or the sibling all that well (or at all) it would be quite rude.

[Gingerodgers]

If I said sibs ok, they would get a party bag! I am astounded at the amount of people who say they don't expect one for sibs. In fact most party's we have gone to ,( drop, not stay) a party bag is provided for sibs anyway.

[Kiriwawa]

DIY - your posts are terrifying me. I've invited a specific number of children over this weekend for a bear-making party. I have enough kits for the number of children who have been invited and no extras.

I don't care if you don't have childcare for your other children - bluntly, it's not my problem. At 5/6, I am expecting/hoping everyone will leave their children. I don't have the room/time to entertain a load of adults and siblings.

I do know all the invitees and their parents fairly well so I hope the parents leave. God I really hope they do or I will feel like I'm in an OFSTED observation situation ...

[Bunbaker]

" I am astounded at the amount of people who say they don't expect one for sibs." I'm not. At a class party at a soft play that could potentially double the number of party bags. I admit that I have been astonished at the number of parents who have assumed that siblings are automatically invited to parties. I wonder if some of the problems haven't come from the birthday parent not being able to be firm about no siblings.

[NotADragonOfSoup]

I don't care if you don't have childcare for your other children - bluntly, it's not my problem

Personally, I would go out of my way to help someone whose child would not be able to attend due to childcare problems.

[Kiriwawa]

I'm a working single patent, NotaDragon with no relatives living nearby so childcare is a constant issue in my life. But that's my issue, not anyone else's. It's just a fact of life and it applies to my down time as well as working.

And at 5/6 I wouldn't expect parents/siblings to stay because that's year 1 and year 1 NT children should be able to be left without parental supervision.

There are some parties where it's appropriate to take a sibling (group party at a soft play where parents pay) and some not (small party at someone's home where a specific theme is mentioned which hopefully indicates that it's unsuitable for siblings). I haven't even bought party bags because the bears are the take home gift although I could probably cobble together a load of tat from previous parties if necessary.

[Kiriwawa]

Oh and if one of his friends said 'X would love to come but I've got no care for Y and X is absolutely terrified of you and won't be in your house unless I'm there' then of course i would say that they could stay with Y. But actually Y will be bloody miserable while everyone is stuffing bears.

And no one has asked anyway so I don't know why I'm getting anxious.

[DIYapprentice]

Kiriwawa - a bear making party is very different to a village hall party. As you said, the activity is number specific. I can't imagine you having 25 children running out of control there, can you? A smaller, controllable number, with a set activity is very different, and as you say, most children will be happy being there.

We've just handed out invites for DS1's 6th party, with the option for parents to go with their DC or to drop off. So far, all the parents are indicating that they would like to go. (Actually in this case, as there's planes involved, I suspect we'll have a few dads there!!! )

[Rowgtfc72]

Worried now ! Its dds 6th birthday party in a hall on Sunday. Have enough party bags for the twenty four invited children (shame only 14 of them have bothered to reply to invites that went out on the 15th Feb and the reminders that went out last week ).I assumed parents of 5/6 year olds would drop and run, not so sure now. I never even considered siblings ! But it has prompted me to label party bags and find out what the child with allergies can and cant eat.

[mummyloveslucy]

Yes, be afraid. Be very afraid. Labeling party bags is definatly a good idea. That would've saved me some bother. Also assume parents will stay. They usually do, from my experience.

Good luck.

[KristinaM]

Once I arranged a theatre trip for my Dds 10thbirthday.one mum asked if she coudl come too as her child was shy ( they had all been friends in the same class for 5 years [ hmm] ). So I asked her if she could take another 3 children in her car, to save my SIl having to come along too ( Dh was at home with baby and toddler ) . Also she could have my SILs ticket as I couldn't get an extra ticket near where we were siting in the theatre. Fair enough

About half an hour into the performance the mum whispered to me that her DD wasn't enjoying the show so they were going home. And they promptly departed, leaving me with 8 children and no way to get them home in my 5 seated car . I couldn't even get Dh to drive into town and get us as the children wouldn't fit in his car with a baby and toddler seat.

[DeskPlanner]

Yes, labelling is a good idea. Parties are so stressful.

[DeskPlanner]

Kristina What did you do ? That woman was so rude.

[lia66]

I took dd (5, yr 1) to a bear making party at a house last weekend. I left dh at home with dd (7) and sleeping toddler. Dh asked me if I could just take dd (7) with me as she'll be bored at home with noone to play with . I said absolutely no way, even if it wasn't in the child's house, still bad manners.

[expatinscotland]

What a cow she was, Kristina!