to think this waa an awful way to behave? re: estranged DSC

[alisunshine29]

DP has two children with ex wife. When we first met he had lots of contact, his ex moved 50 miles away and contact gradually reduced because of that and starting school etc. His shift meant he could only have them for weekends every six weeks or so but then it could be several in a row plus plenty of annual leave in school holidays to have them. His ex insisted he have them alternate weekends which he couldn't do so she said he'd have to take her to court to formally sort contact. This was 16 months ago and he's done nothing to resolve contact. I have encouraged and supported but he is burying his head in the sand big time and actually believes the kids will grow up and decide to live with us.
Anyway,yesterday we were at an ice skating/swimming pool venue with my elder DD and the DD we have together when DP saw his exes dad, making it very likely his children were there with him. DP wanted to leave, despite having travelled sixty miles to get there. I didn't know what to do for the best but in the end I took my children swimming while DP pretty much hid. It just left me thinking how awful it would've been if DSC had seen DP from a distance playing happy families with our children, or wondering what he'd do if he/we did bump into them and whether his children would even recognise him. I could see him physically relax as we drove away and it makes me so sad for his children :-( his parents live between us and where DSC live so bumping into them at local events is always going to have the potential to happen. AIBU to think it's an awful situation that needs resolving for all involved sake, obviously particularly the children.

[SoftKittyWarmKitty]

Residency? Don't make me laugh! Your DP doesn't even want to make the effort to see them, ffs.

Oh, and here's the bit where their mother doesn't provide a stable life . Yeah, whatever. My parents pick my DS up from school three times a week while I'm at work. Does that make me bad mother too?

Drip, drip, drip.

Excuse, excuse, excuse.

[YesIamYourSisterInLaw]

Impossible terms! She's asking him to have them every other weekend how is that impossible? 2 days out of 14 really isn't much is it and since she'll spend the other 12 days dealing with raising them singlehanded I don't think its unreasonable for you or him to pick them up even if it isn't straight from school.

[OptimisticPessimist]

Well said SoftKitty.

I don't think ex is being UR tbh.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

alisunshine29, sorry but with your more recent posts I can see you retreating into some sort of denial. First with 'they might not be his anyway' and now 'his ex is a bad mother'. All ABSOLUTELY IRRELEVANT. He could be seeing his childre, but he is CHOOSING not to and you are CHOOSING to not give him a hard time about it.

You started a thread about what you termed his awful behaviour. We all agreed that it was awful. Now you are making excuses for his awful behaviour. I'm guessing the fact that we all agree it is awful has spooked you somewhat, because you are not sure what to do about it and not sure how it could affect you and your children in the long term. But please, don't be like him; stare this horrible situation in the face and deal with it. It's not going to go away.

[GregBishopsBottomBitch]

Having regular contact is not impossible terms, but i suppose the DC's mum shouldnt have moved 50 miles away, make it easier for your DP.

Seriously 16 months, and your making excuses, good parents move heaven and earth for their kids, my exp is a twat but atleast hes trying now hes more settled, your DP just cant be bloody bothered.

[YesIamYourSisterInLaw]

Omg how did I miss the residency comment.
Seriously op your making my blood pressure rise.
Projecting your issues onto his ex much? "Oh she's a shit parent, oh she was unfaithful" yes she's so terrible and you darling dearest best partner and father in the world is so concerned he's done.... Fuck all
How would you know she's so terrible anyway? You haven't seen them in god knows how long

[alisunshine29]

I could hardly drag him in the pool by his ear! I would like opinions on whether I should contact his ex to try and help the situation for my DD's and their siblings sake or whether I'm interfering and should leave it up to him. It's likely that, if indeed he isn't the biological father of either child, then his ex would use that to stop contact at a later date if either child showed a preference for him over her. Also the youngest was only 2 when contact stopped - if it's going to start again then surely it's best if everyone knows the truth about DNA as they may not even remember him. Hardly fair on the child to build a relationship with someone they'll lose.

[GregBishopsBottomBitch]

Oh and how many men have used the excuse "They might not be mine", its a cop out, he was happy to say they were when he was with their mother, but now when she expects some consistancy, he comes up with the excuses. and hiding from them, thats just disgusting and shameful.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"I could hardly drag him in the pool by his ear!"
So what did you do, OP? Did you say anything to him at all about this? At the time? Later? What?

[GregBishopsBottomBitch]

No you should contact her, it should be your dopey DP that does it, hes the dad and should be making an effort.

[GregBishopsBottomBitch]

shouldnt

[YesIamYourSisterInLaw]

Oh and again referring you back to earlier with my own sorry excuse for a father.
He had excuses too, a whole book of them.
My mother was crazy, total nutcase he was the "wronged" party despite sleeping around on her.
2'nd woman was a goldigger, and she cheated
3 rd was a phsyco and insecure, plus she was a whore too
do you see a pattern here?

I have a rule now that I would never date a man who brands all his exes crazy, insecure, cheats etc. if anything it is better if they are friends with an ex because it shows they are a good person and not just lying through their teeth

[RubyrooUK]

First, no, don't contact her. This is something he has to do.

I'd be sitting down with him and saying to him that you find it hard to trust him and move on with him in your relationship when you saw a grown man hide from his own kids at a swimming pool. Explain that it made you question how he would behave if your own relationship split up. Say that your children deserve to have a relationship with their siblings. Tell him that the stuff about DNA and weekends can't be an excuse anymore. Tell him that no matter how hard this is for him, he has to sort it out or it will affect all your lives in future.

Ask him to imagine explaining to your DD when she is 16 that she doesn't know her siblings because he had a bit of a tricky shift pattern (like millions of parents) and he wanted a DNA test before he handed out love.

[YesIamYourSisterInLaw]

Op I will personally give you £100 if either of those children are not his.
That is how confident I am he is lying about his doubt

[Losingexcessweight]

Op - after reading all your posts on this thread, i think its best to let sleeping dogs lie.

The situation of their marriage sounds messy.

Move on with your dh, if contact is resumed in years to come then deal with it then. Its a bad situation.

[Figgygal]

Christ he needs a kick up the arse

I wouldn't contact ex it has to be his decision to sort this out or he's likely to not keep up any arrangement and just disappoint his kids further IF they even want to see him.

If I were u I would be more worried about how he would treat u and your dc if u end up in the same situation as his ex

[alisunshine29]

For the first year after they split he had them 70% of the time so yes, he would've had a high chance of having residency. I can't comment on her parenting skills as I don't really know her - I had a lot of abuse from her when we first met but not much contact other than that. I absolutely am not making excuses for him, I'm providing his reasons which to a small degree I understand but also completely do not agree with what he is doing - I.e bugger all. I have so many suggestions/strategies we could propose/try but he has to want to and be determined or it'll just lead to more heart ache for everyone.

[SoftKittyWarmKitty]

Don't contact her. Instead, tell and I mean tell your DP that he has to contact her and make an effort to see his kids.

If he'd kept seeing them in the first place, there would be no need to 'rebuild' the relationship would there? Quite frankly he needs to get his arse in gear and put in a contact application to court. But he won't do that, will he?

[WMittens]

This whole attitude of "man needs to man up", "be a man" yadda yadda is what leads to men being emotionally stunted in the first place. Then their wives complain that he won't talk about feelings.

This was a situation that he wasn't able to deal with rationally, so he resorted to what he knew, methods he has probably used to avoid difficult situations since childhood. 'MTFU' isn't a final solution to the problem, it's only going to reinforce the problem.

[CheerfulYank]

I once had a bit of a go at someone I'd just met because he didn't see his kid, so I can't see putting up with it from a partner. I hate that shit.

[alisunshine29]

He isn't lying about the doubt - she sent a list of people she'd cheated on him with to him to hurt him, and sent it to me too telling me to get tested for STDs because she'd cheated so much.

[RubyrooUK]

I think people only mean "be an adult" by "man up" here Wmittens. I don't think they are talking about being macho and stiff upper lip or repressing feelings. They are talking about being adults and moving past the hurt and putting your children first. Or at least that is what I took from it.

[alisunshine29]

He does want to be their dad. It's his ex that makes him feel physically ill with stress, she knows precisely how to get to him and he can't seem to put that aside to sort out the kids. He keeps saying 'when we see them again...' like it's just going to magically occur with no effort from him. If I push him into it and he applies to Court then I think the judge will (rightly so) be very hard on him which may make him back down again. Also if there's things to attend like parents evening, dance shows etc he refuses to attend with his ex - this is just going to lead to the kids not remembering him being there at any events