to think this waa an awful way to behave? re: estranged DSC

[alisunshine29]

DP has two children with ex wife. When we first met he had lots of contact, his ex moved 50 miles away and contact gradually reduced because of that and starting school etc. His shift meant he could only have them for weekends every six weeks or so but then it could be several in a row plus plenty of annual leave in school holidays to have them. His ex insisted he have them alternate weekends which he couldn't do so she said he'd have to take her to court to formally sort contact. This was 16 months ago and he's done nothing to resolve contact. I have encouraged and supported but he is burying his head in the sand big time and actually believes the kids will grow up and decide to live with us.
Anyway,yesterday we were at an ice skating/swimming pool venue with my elder DD and the DD we have together when DP saw his exes dad, making it very likely his children were there with him. DP wanted to leave, despite having travelled sixty miles to get there. I didn't know what to do for the best but in the end I took my children swimming while DP pretty much hid. It just left me thinking how awful it would've been if DSC had seen DP from a distance playing happy families with our children, or wondering what he'd do if he/we did bump into them and whether his children would even recognise him. I could see him physically relax as we drove away and it makes me so sad for his children :-( his parents live between us and where DSC live so bumping into them at local events is always going to have the potential to happen. AIBU to think it's an awful situation that needs resolving for all involved sake, obviously particularly the children.

[RubyrooUK]

Swallowed, now I am an adult, I mainly feel sad for my dad that he opted out of parenthood for so long. (I was a pretty angry teen about it though, but came through that stage!)

I know it is sometimes hard for my amazing mum now that I encourage my dad in being a grandfather (ironically, he is always nagging to see me more). I think sometimes it hurts her that I have let him back in after so long.

But I do think my dad was a weak person who in his case let things slip. Looking at my DH, I know that no matter what happened with our relationship, he adores our children so much that he would never be that man. And I see what my DH gets out of fatherhood - he feels it is what gives his life meaning - and feel sad for my dad that he let his chance to have the same thing go.

And as for my mum? She is my rock and the one who would never let me down. I knew that at 8, 18 and I know it at 34. So I can be generous to my dad because he can never come close to this kind of relationship, which is created through years of trust and love.

[GregBishopsBottomBitch]

I know that not all men are like this fortunately.

My sister married a man, who lives for his kids, all of his kids, he has 2 with my sister, 1 from a previous relationship and a stepson.

He works hard for them all, including his stepson, whos own father is complete twunt.

My DNephews dad, told my sister, that he couldnt pay for their sons schooltrip, because he had other kids to support, my DN heard this, and knew that his dads stepkids meant more than his only child. And now wont see his son because my sister got CSA on him and now is forced to pay a pathetic, £5 a week, because he hides his earnings, my DN has no realised what a joke his dad is.

[swallowedAfly]

thanks ruby

at one stage i got a rare reply from ds' father saying 'my partner and i have discussed this thoroughly and have decided that the most positive option is for me to have no contact with this child'. i replied, surprisingly calmly, that in the end that wouldn't be his choice really. that 'this child' would likely outlive us both and would not be a child forever and that if or when he needed to find him and see him for himself i would obviously support him in doing that. the choice of whether he'd meet him could not be entirely his because 'this child' might decide differently and i hoped he would ready and prepare himself for that day if it should come.

i have to have the confidence that like you my son will know that we have years and years of relationship, trust, commitment and parenting that is solid and reliable and whatever 'this man' says or does it is in the context of me having always been there for him and him being able to judge me by his own experience.

[DialsMavis]

Does he pay maintenance? Surely if you are a family unit it doesn't matter if he is working some of the contact weekends, wouldn't the children just be with you- their step mother and their sibling?

He really didn't send them any Christmas or birthday cards/presents? What did he say when you told him how cuntish that is/he is?

[MammaTJ]

So, he can't be bothered to go to court to sort contact, then he hides when he might have the chance to see them.

They are only young at 4 and 5 and I bet they have cried many tears over their Daddy disappearing.

He needs a kick up the backside.

[alcazar]

Your stepchildren are better not seeing him anyway. He is a spineless twat. At least they have one parent that gives a shit, I pray that he does not do the same to your children. He is lucky to have somebody like you, a person with a concience, but I doubt the gormless shit will realise it.

[Spero]

Sorry, I could not love, respect nor live with a man who could do this to his children. It would tell me all I needed to know about his character, and how he would treat me and any children we had together if things got bad.

If he can't do alternate weekends and she won't agree to another pattern, he takes this to mediation or to court. It really is that simple. I appreciate it is stressful but tough shit. They are his children. His responsibility. They didn't ask to be born. He needs to step up and he needs to do it NOW.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

I think I would have lost what little respect I still had for this person (I hesitate to use the word 'man' as IMO he is not), witnessing him hiding from his children . No matter how difficult his ex-wife is, to not have taken any action in 16 months to resolve access to his children is just plain depressing. And suggests that this is what he will do again if your relationship ever founders, OP.

[IneedAsockamnesty]

I find it quite shocking that someone who does not just work weekends is not able to find a way to be able to do every other weekend.

Resident parents and most nrp's have to make sure there work fits in around there child related commitments and obligations its a what parents are expected to do.

[SoftKittyWarmKitty]

I'm in a very similar situation to SwallowedAfly, as my DS's 'dad' chose not to be involved in his life in any capacity - he's never seen DS, doesn't pay maintenance, just isn't interested in the slightest. He also has other children (conceived with two other women, unbeknown to me, while we were still together ) that he doesn't bother with. He left me for a different OW when I was four months into a planned pregnancy - she was aware I was pg as she saw my scan pics.

What I don't get is how these 'men' manage to get into new relationships. How do other women justify being with, and even having children with, a man who doesn't give a shiny shite about his existing children? That's you, OP. I know you say he had lots of contact when you first met but he hasn't for 16 months. How do you reconcile that in your head? I don't know how you still respect him as a man and a fellow human being tbh. How would you feel if your eldest child's father behaved this way? You do realise that in the event that your relationship ends at some point in the future, your DC together will most likely be treated in exactly the same way?

Your thread title states you think it was an awful way to behave - what did he say when you said this to him? Why hasn't he pursued contact via the court? He sounds like a lazy, selfish arse and what he did speaks volumes about the kind of person he is. If I were you I'd be seriously reconsidering my relationship status.

[GregBishopsBottomBitch]

Kitty Some women are just stupid, my ex manages to snare women despite having no interest or paying DD for a long time.

I would leave any man who didnt wanna know his DC's because my dad has no interest in me, i know how it hurts, so i couldnt never be with a man who does the same.

[IneedAsockamnesty]

I wouldn't have sex with someone who had a pregnant ex or had children they didnt see if I knew of the existence of the children or pregnancy.

[GreenEggsAndNichts]

I'm not an ex-wife, but I can see life from their perspective in many of these cases. Of course she wants to set things regularly, ie every other weekend. She has a life, as well. She has the children full-time 25 days out of 30. Who can blame her for wanting to know in advance when she can make plans etc? Why should she have to wait for him to finagle his work schedule at a week's notice, or whatever? Imagine being in her position! Yes, she might come off as difficult, but we don't know her reasons for being difficult. Maybe she's been driven to distraction by the dithering man.

(yes, maybe she's a complete bitch, too. I don't know. But there are always two sides to these stories. And I'm not just referring to the OP's tale)

[GreenEggsAndNichts]

oh and FWIW, I was raised by my mum after my parents' divorce when I was 5. My father made every effort to have me over as often as he could, which was every other weekend, more or less, plus holidays as they fit. They had an amicable agreement and there was no arguing in front of me or snide comments from them to me about the other. So, I know from experience it's possible for a man to want to see his child and to make the effort to do so. :)

[Bobyan]

He's a shit and it will only be a matter of time before you find out for yourself.

As for lafaminute's "I don't think it makes him an awful father - just someone who would rather not deal with the trickier aspects of a complicated life" comment. Speaking as someone who's df walked away when I was 3, your comment has to be one of the most pathetic excuses for being a crap parent I have ever heard. If he treated your dc's like this I somehow doubt you would be saying its okay, its just too tricky for him to be bothered to see his dc's.

[CloudsAndTrees]

Your DP is a vile human being. Your daughter deserves better than a father that would do this to his own children, her siblings.

Horrible, pathetic excuse for a father.

[GregBishopsBottomBitch]

Exactly Bobyan Being a parent is tricky, but most of us are grown up enough to handle that.

[alisunshine29]

Yes he does pay full maintenance. It isn't as simple as me just having his DC for him as we're 50 miles away and my eldest daughter is at school here so obviously I cannot be there to collect his children from school too. I had offered that she bring them on Fridays and I return them on Sundays, which is fair to share travelling considering she moved, but she flatly refuses. It's collect from school Friday return Sunday evening on alternate weeks or nothing at all according to her. He is actually able to give her a years notice of the times he can have the kids so they'd all know where they stand and could make plans but his ex doesn't agree. He doesn't send cards and presents because they wouldn't be passed on- ex said it's confusing for kids, which I agree with. I was pregnant when contact stopped (and no, it wasn't because of my pregnancy) so for all those saying they wouldn't have had a child with him - it was too late by then. I'm not excusing him but his wife was unfaithful throughout the marriage and I think his hesitancy is fuelled by the concern that one or both children might not be his. It's not exactly the best approach to re-establishing contact to ask for a DNA test first.

[Bobyan]

You know what Greg, I don't even think you need to be a grown up, its just about having enough respect for the life you chose to create. It will be a cold day in hell before I ever treat my dcs like my df treated me.

[Bobyan]

Op stop making excuses for him.

[alisunshine29]

I've been considering contacting his ex as I want my youngest to know her half siblings and my eldest to know her step siblings, whom she previously got on really well with. I miss the kids too and resent that his ex/the kids think it's because of me that he isn't seeking contact when actually I seem more concerned about it than him.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

" I think his hesitancy is fuelled by the concern that one or both children might not be his."
And do you really think that would make one bit of difference to the DC? They believe he is their daddy - and he is, regardless of the genetics. You've mentioned that you have a DD who is not 'his' - how would you feel if he blanked her but not his/your genetic DD in the event that you split?

[RubyrooUK]

Ok then OP, what do you want to get out of posting this thread? Because it can't be much fun having lots of people telling you how appalling your DP is being, over and over again.

What advice or support would help you change this situation?

The excuses about the contact aren't really that convincing. If my DH couldn't see his children every other week (at the minimum!) he would actually be actively looking for a new job that would allow that. I appreciate that your DH can give his calendar a year in advance to his ex, but that is all about him and what's convenient for him. That schedule might not be at all convenient for their mother; she may not want contact visits to be few but long - the kids may not want that either as they are quite young still! So I don't think that she is necessarily being really unreasonable here. I think if your DH wanted to change things, he could and would.

[SoftKittyWarmKitty]

You know what, if your DP had actually bothered going to court to sort this all out, the judge might have agreed that his ex wife bringing the kids Friday nights and you dropping them back off on Sundays was a good idea and ordered her to comply. It just seems to me that you (and him) have one excuse after another. You say that the way he behaved when he hid from them was awful but you make excuses for it. You took your kids swimming while he hid - you are enabling him to do what he does. Sorry but in a way you're as bad as him.

[alisunshine29]

If he and I were seperated then we'd work together to arrange contact, I wouldn't dictate impossible terms because that isn't in the kids best interests. I fully agree he should go to court and get it sorted, or rather that he should've done that initially. If he had done so when we first met then there's a good chance he could've had residency by now as their mum doesn't provide that stable a life and very much values her freedom - her parents have the DC the majority of the time.