to think this waa an awful way to behave? re: estranged DSC

[alisunshine29]

DP has two children with ex wife. When we first met he had lots of contact, his ex moved 50 miles away and contact gradually reduced because of that and starting school etc. His shift meant he could only have them for weekends every six weeks or so but then it could be several in a row plus plenty of annual leave in school holidays to have them. His ex insisted he have them alternate weekends which he couldn't do so she said he'd have to take her to court to formally sort contact. This was 16 months ago and he's done nothing to resolve contact. I have encouraged and supported but he is burying his head in the sand big time and actually believes the kids will grow up and decide to live with us.
Anyway,yesterday we were at an ice skating/swimming pool venue with my elder DD and the DD we have together when DP saw his exes dad, making it very likely his children were there with him. DP wanted to leave, despite having travelled sixty miles to get there. I didn't know what to do for the best but in the end I took my children swimming while DP pretty much hid. It just left me thinking how awful it would've been if DSC had seen DP from a distance playing happy families with our children, or wondering what he'd do if he/we did bump into them and whether his children would even recognise him. I could see him physically relax as we drove away and it makes me so sad for his children :-( his parents live between us and where DSC live so bumping into them at local events is always going to have the potential to happen. AIBU to think it's an awful situation that needs resolving for all involved sake, obviously particularly the children.

[ChasedByBees]

Have you ever tried to tell him that of course his children won't want to move I with a stranger?

[zoobaby]

I'd be tempted to suspect that he knows just how he'd be received by the kids (I'm going for potentially awkward indifference if they haven't seen him for ages).

What, with not wanting to accept that he's being a crap dad and all, isn't it just better that he tells himself and others that he'd do things oh-so-differently if only he had more money, or if work was easier to arrange, or the ex was nicer and more accommodating, or it wasn't so far to travel.

I'd also guess that his ex-wife has his exact measure and that's probably why she insisted on alternate weekends or none at all.

[DontmindifIdo]

Honestly, if he'd even explored the possibility of having every other weekend off work (and therefore agreeing to work every other weekend in between rather than 6 on 6 off) or put in any sort of flexible working request with a garenteed set days off in the week (if weekend access isnt an option) or made any attempt to change his life to accomodate his DCs, I'd have a little sympathy, but he's just not trying - if he cared about them, if he loved them, he'd at the very least ask the question.

How can you be happy to be with this man?

[swallowedAfly]

my ds has never met his father. he is nearly 6 now. i've dealt with the questions sensitively and gently and tried to explain life is complicated and etc etc but despite my nicely cushioned ways of saying and explaining things in his mind he knows his dad is a selfish bad man

there's nothing i can say to counter it realistically. he has a loving mother, grandparents (on my side obviously) and aunt and cousins and he knows and sees how family works and how people support each other, put up with each other, pull together even when they do each others heads in, put children first etc. and he has to contrast that the concept of a man who has never bothered to see him. it doesn't matter how many times i explain that life is complicated and sometimes people can't face things or decide to go on with their life and not deal with something etc etc etc - he KNOWS and he's not wrong to be fair that his dad must be a selfish twat who doesn't care about him.

i used to worry that one day ds would find him and he'd say it's all your mum's fault and she's x, y and z so i couldn't see you but with help from friends i realised my son won't be that stupid - he's seen and experienced love and family and commitment and doing the right thing and he is being and will be raised with ethics and morals and valuing of courage and integrity. some pathetic lies and excuses will not cut it with the man i intend to raise.

all will be ok but do you have any idea how sad it is for a child to be stripped of the illusion that parents are good and loving and put their kids first and people are good more widely at such an early age?

all because of a selfish 'man' who would rather bury his head in the sand than face reality?

those children bear the weight of his crapness.

[mynewpassion]

Why should your DP be afraid to have his children live with him? Have you ever asked him? Does he not care about his children at all?

Bottom line is that your DP is a horrible excuse for a father. Hiding from his children at the place and for the last 16 months, hiding from them. He uses his ex as a excuse to not see his children. He could have formalised or worked out a contact arrangement but didn't.

I already feel sorry for the DD that you have together.

[GregBishopsBottomBitch]

If my DP treated his DC's like that, i'd read the twat the riot act, one thing i cannot stand is parents, who think their DC's can ignored or loved whenever they please.

My exP works weekends sometimes, but actually does get time so he can DD over night, he doesnt see her as much as i'd like, but its fine for now.

He needs to get over his feelings, hes a parent thats what happens, i had to hand my DD over to exP's new girlfriend once, it felt so weird, but i smiled and got on with it, because my DD comes before i do.

[Booyhoo]

i hope OP is showing her DP this thread and that they're talking about what steps he needs to take to do right by his dcs

[swallowedAfly]

and step back and try to imagine what it would take for you not to see your own children. work? new boyfriend? fifty miles in the 21st century? a bit of embarrassment?

presumably he believes children are a mother's responsibility and men only have to take any part of that if they are serviced sexually and domestically by their mother or if that fails only if their mother cooperates entirely with how/when/where they want to see those children.

does parenthood work like that? because i'd imagine it would be really handy only having to see your kids on an ad hoc basis when you felt you could fit them in but sadly - as his ex will know - it doesn't work like that!

[OptimisticPessimist]

Those poor children :( my XP moved away to live with someone else about 21 months ago, and I know my DS1 finds it hard to understand why he doesn't see his dad any more yet his dad plays happy families with his new step children. My younger 2 who are 3.5 and 5.5 don't remember their dad. The way your DP is behaving is unacceptable, 50 miles is no distance at all and the excuses about shifts etc are just that. His ex was not being unreasonable to request a regular schedule of contact and if your DP had his DCs best interests in mind he would be doing all he could to facilitate that. Men like your DP and my XP make me sick in all honesty. His kids aren't going to suddenly decide to live with him in a few years' time, why on earth would they?!

[KatieMiddleton]

He doesn't even send birthday cards? :( Presumably these children also have no relationship with their sibling, your child?

A big part of my respect and admiration for my husband comes from how he treats others. I think I would feel my love for him ebbing away if he behaved like your dh op.

I'd be having quite strong words and making some ultimatums before my own relationship with him fell apart.

Fwiw I think you sound very sensible. May I ask if there is any reason you cannot help look after the children every other weekend during the day when your partner is at work?

[swallowedAfly]

i'm about to explain to my son that i can't see him for the next few weeks because i'm really busy at work sadly and will be fifty miles away but not to worry i have a little house elf who'll a) take care of him for me and b) i'll get to blame said house elf for not letting me see my child. in the meantime though i'll be living in a house with another house elf and her child and the new child i've reproduced and managing to find time to love and be with them.

i'm sure ds will understand won't he?

[OptimisticPessimist]

presumably he believes children are a mother's responsibility and men only have to take any part of that if they are serviced sexually and domestically by their mother or if that fails only if their mother cooperates entirely with how/when/where they want to see those children.

This describes exactly how my XP sees parenting. It's very sad really, for the children especially but also for him too.

[cory]

This was my niece's father. Couldn't be arsed, drifted away, happy to forget about her. She will never have anything to do with him again. Ever. She will blank him if she meets him in the street.

[Alligatorpie]

What a very sad story. I feel for those poor children, why does he think they will want to come and live with him one day? They dont even know him.

[LineRunner]

OP You are a much better person than your DP to see that his attitude isn't something you should be defending or protecting.

[swallowedAfly]

optimisticpessimist - my ds' father wanted to be with me and was delighted i found out i was pregnant after i'd already told him there was no way we could be together because he thought that was me landed and we'd have to get married, him move in my apartment etc. when he finally got that it didn't change how i felt about him and this was about being a dad not getting a mainline in my jugular he disappeared.

i remember laughing at my mother when she said 'men only care about children through their wanting the mother'. in this case she was entirely right but i hope to god that isn't a general rule or i really would give up on men. i know it's not a general rule as i've known the odd man go through hell and back to stay in contact with his children.

it is so sad for the children. not really because losing men like this is any real loss to them but having to face people can be so utterly selfish, dysfunctional and unevolved should really come later in life.

[OptimisticPessimist]

I remember not long before XP moved away we were having an argument about him having the kids (I worked when he had them) and he said something about them not being his problem any more because we weren't together. He honestly believed his responsibility ended when we split, and that all he has now are rights.

You're right that it's no real loss to them, in fact in hindsight it has been far better for all four of us, but the hurt it has caused DS1 is heartbreaking. I'll never forgive him for it, and sadly I think DS1 will be hovering for crumbs of his affection for many years to come. The younger two are far better off.

[mumandboys123]

my ex does this....and has countless women prepared to stand by him whilst he does it. There's a back story in our case and likely there is more to it in your case. In our case, it's a back story that any sensible man wouldn't want the new girlfriend to know about (long affair, left me pregnant, accused me of rape, slammed a car door into my 19 week pregnant stomach, physical abuse, tried to take the children....). Seriously, you need to take a step back, deep breath and look at the whole picture. Is this the man you want to be with? What does it say about him and his priorities? Are you happy to be with a man who is willing to ignore his children? What does it say about you if you are? Are you happy to be that woman? If change is needed, what change? Is the change you require possible? What are your limits and timescales?

[YesIamYourSisterInLaw]

The thinking they'll eventually come to him is a load of bollocks. Take it from someone who's " father" is exactly like this cunt, he doesn't give a shit about those kids and deep down you know it.
I guarantee that he will treat your children exactly the same if you ever split. My father is now playing the perfect dad/ grandad role with partner number 4 but couldn't care less about me or the 4 other kids of various partners he's had over the years.
I'm aware this post makes me sound angry and bitter but honestly I'm not, I didn't miss out at all not having him in my life. I just can't for the life of me understand why and woman in their right man would be with a a spineless little man like this

[YesIamYourSisterInLaw]

*mind not man

[theoriginalandbestrookie]

Wow Op I'm sorry for you that you are with such an irresponsible man child.

It's not as if you could have read the signals, as he was ok for contact when you first got together.

I can't get past the fact that you both drove 50 odd miles presumably in the direction of his kids and not only did he not try to contact them in advance, but he hid when he saw his exFIL.

I don't think there is much you can do. Sure you can encourage him to make contact, but really the fact that his default action is to hide rather than try to see his own children shows what type of a person he is deep down. I wouldn't want to be with such a man.

[RubyrooUK]

OP, I think the reason you posted this was because you know this story shows something terribly wrong in how your DH handled the situation.

I could tell you that this man is not worthy to be your children's dad but let me tell you a positive story instead.

When I met my ex, he had a daughter he didn't see. His girlfriends before me had been very anxious about his relationship with his daughter and ex-wife. Like a fool, he was weak and let contact with his daughter slip because he got incredibly anxious about the whole thing. His anxiety became so bad about it that he convinced himself he was doing the right thing to leave his daughter alone.

I found it hard to reconcile the kind man I liked a lot with this idiot who would sacrifice a relationship with his child for any reason. I supported him in contacting his ex-wife (he was scared) and told him that even when his daughter wasn't keen on seeing him that he had to man up and let her get used to him again. It wasn't my responsibility but I knew that if our relationship was to have any chance, I had to feel that this was a terrible mistake in his behaviour rather than his character.

He did stick with contact once given a second chance and was able to build a strong relationship with his daughter (and ex-wife). We are no longer together but still friendly and he tells me that was the turning point of his life. He is a great dad who has never let his daughter down in such a sad way again.

Sixteen months is a long time but your DP can still turn it around. But he needs to stop making excuses. My own dad missed out on my childhood and although we do have a relationship now, it is flawed by the underlying knowledge on my part that I was never enough for him. His children were never number one for him. It is in no way comparable to the amazing relationship I have with the parent who did stick around.

[swallowedAfly]

as much as it is sad to hear from people whose fathers let them down i have to say it is really interesting for me and mostly reassuring that the adults they now are are able to see their actions for what they were.

for ages i harboured this fear that my son would blame me and take it out on me that his father didn't want to see him. i have even kept emails that show me trying to keep the door open and him flatly refusing.

i hope everyone knows this is about these fathers not about them. it's not that 'you' weren't enough but that they weren't enough. i really, really hope my son will know that.

[lunar1]

Op this must be horrible for you, im guessing part of the reason this is so upsetting for you is that if he could do it to his first children then he could also do it to yours.

My dad did this to me and went off to play happy families with his new step daughter. It really damaged me and my DB for many years. Sadly for his first children i dont think there is anything you can do to help them, men like this dont change. I think you need to look at ways to protect your children, do you even want to be with a man who can do this?

you must be a lovely person for caring more for your step children than their dad does. i guess you have to keep encouraging him to maintain contact while at the same time deciding if you have a future with him.

Good luck op

i really think people abandoning children should be sterilised so they cant keep on doing it, but im guessing ill get flamed for that thought!

[LineRunner]

My ExH has not only let down his own childen but he moved onto various new relationships where became 'step-dad' for a couple of years and then serially abandoned them all.

My DCs now do not even know where their former 'step-sibs' live.