Every friendship I have is based upon me making the effort, AIBU to get upset by this?

[obtuseone]

Every friendship that I have is conditional upon me making the bulk of the effort, ie making arrangements, and making contact. Even commenting on Facebook photos and statuses. There have been a few occasions where I've stopped initiating contact in each of those ways and in every single time I've just never heard from the friend again.

It's happening again now with a schoolfriend, whom I've known for around 20 years. She seems to make an effort for lots of other people but not for me. It's always me making contact and suggesting meeting up. I've done her a variety of favours and helped her out a lot but she barely says thanks yet if anyone else does her a favour or she spends time with them she tags them on Facebook and thanks them profusely (yes I know Facebook isn't the be all and end all but she uses it a lot). She takes me for granted. So I've decided to back off a little and see if she makes any effort. Not heard a bean for 3 weeks now, so looks like that friendship will go down the pan too.

AIBU to be highly fed up with it all?

[JaneyLiz]

Woozle bear - I can so relate. I am also in danger of hi-jacking, but it is very carthartic to post about this.
I have found that often friends don't survive transition phases - its fine when its easy/natural to meet up but when life changes and effort has to be made, then I can feel if I don't make the effort then nothing will happen.
I've come to accept that just because a friendship works for a time in your life but doesn't survive transitions, doesn't mean the friendship was not valid for that particular time(if that makes sense) By thinking that way, I accept that not all friendships last but that's ok.
I also say to myself 'people give what they have to give' By that I mean everyone has limitations. Not everyone is good at initiating things ( or indeed has space in their head to think) Even if I feel I do all the work with arrangements, if I feel my friends are genuinely happy to see me then thats ok ( one friend will thank me for do the organizing cos she knows that with her hectic work/lifestyle she wont get round to it)

[obtuseone]

I've had the friends going off together thing no less than 3 times! Once years ago at college. Once in my early twenties, and once more recently, around 2 years ago. It's hurtful but I've come to expect it now tbh. People just use me as an option or a stop gap and as soon as someone better comes along I don't see them for dust

[Pandemoniaa]

I've come to accept that just because a friendship works for a time in your life but doesn't survive transitions, doesn't mean the friendship was not valid for that particular time

That makes absolute sense. For example, I made several friends when my dcs were babies. What we had in common, in the main, was the fact that we lived in the same town and had children of the same age. Obviously, we shared some broader interests but basically, once the children got older and went to different schools, we drifted apart. There were no fallings-out or any drama at all but the friendships just gradually faded into pleasantries exchanged if we ran into each other in the High Street. But during the time we were all closer, those friendships were valued and valid.

It seems to be obtuse that you've had the misfortune to make friends with people who haven't left the playground behind. Good friends don't use people as stop-gaps and neither do they need to go around in gangs of two.

[JohnSnowsTie]

Schmaltz I have the same situation with someone who makes me feel guilty about not being in touch, never mind the fact that I was the last to arrange a meet-up. It's quite wearing and I dread her messages as they tend to be passive-aggressive complaints and insurances that to be a giod friend you have to be in each others' pockets. She's a relatively new friend and all my old ones are the type you pick up where you left off after months and everything is great/no one's got the hump.

I do feel like a crap friend re this girl but I think it's just a matter of conflicting expectations.

[JohnSnowsTie]

*insistences, not insurances.

[Ilovexmastime]

I agree with everything that schmaltz said.

[gimmecakeandcandy]

Yanbu op - there seems to be a lot of women out there who like hiding 'power' in friendships - they won't make an effort, post on fb etc as they expect their friends to do the running. I know some peripheral friends like this but just leave them to it as thankfully I have a good group of mates who are always there for me and I for them with no crap!

[obtuseone]

I just seem to know so many people like that, gimmecake

One friend has people literally clamouring to see her and I don't know why. I wouldn't say she's that nice a person, she is quite full of herself and abrupt yet people are always writing on her facebook wall that they want to meet up with her. I met her on a forum and people are always travelling to her town, journeys of up to 100 miles + just to meet her

[digibouti]

I have had experience like yours OP. In fact, I currently have two friends who are exactly like you described. It's sad because when we meet up, we have a good time, but it makes me feel sad that it's always me suggesting to meet up. I've already cut down contact/meet ups with them and now am wondering whether to stop completely.

Interestingly, I once had a friend who was really bad at keeping in contact (we lived in different places so didn't meet often face-to-face). I hadn't heard from her (despite sending a couple of texts and emails) for about 6 months, so I figured she probably didn't want to keep in touch anymore. Around the same time, I met up with a couple of other mutual friends, and didn't invite her. Surprisingly she was quite upset when she found out we had met up without her! I really don't understand some people - I think they live in a different world to me.

[Jomato]

This thread makes me feel like a really terrible friend. I don't try as hard as a lot of people seem to and it seems that is interpreted by a lot of you as being self centred. I would never think that if I didn't contact a friend for three weeks they would interpret that as a lack of interest and feel hurt. I'd feel awful if they did but it would also be a sign to me that I not have the emotional energy to maintain that friendship. I have a stressful, emotionally draining job that sucks the life out of me at times, I have a 1 year old and a husband, some weeks I don't have time for much else. I have lots of friends, some I am in touch with more regularly than others, some I see more than others, that is usually related to stage of life rather than how much I value the friendship. I can not speak to my best friend for months without it having any impact on the relationship, it doesn't mean I don't care and wouldn't prioritise her if she needed me.

[Tertius]

Others have said it but I would find 3 weeks no time at all not to hear from friends. I don't keep in constant contact with mine - and I know some of my more intense friends have let me slip into the mental group of being 'an ongoing friend but low maintenance'.

A lot of this is just about different expectations. I have a big family and they have always fulfilled the daily leaning on part. I love my friends dearly but see them rarely.

So I see myself as more like the friends you are feeling let down by than like the op.

[Tertius]

To add to this - my DH has got masses of friends. Most if the really old friendships. He makes no effort at all but considers them ALzl to be really great friends. All so easy and uncomplicated. They also seem to feel the same. They do meet up every now and then and take each other for granted. And that seems to me to be a sign of a proper confident friendship.

[goinnowhere]

I have lots of old friends. We too don't worry if a couple of months go by without contact. Everyone is busy.
Another very old friend wants to chat on the phone once a month and it drives me mad. She refuses to believe I really have to work in the evening and that time is precious. A quick text or email until we meet is fine.

[Lollybrolly]

How weird I should see this thread this morning. I was up crying (pathetic I know) last night until very late and feeling generallyb very very down about my lack of friends.

I had a moment whilst unloading the dishwasher last night where I suddenly realised I have no friends. My best friend of 28 years has moreless dumoed me so she can have an affair - she does not have time for me anymore as she has to keep every spare moment free in case he can"escape his wife" for a quick shag. We live miles away and she cannot risk being on the phone to me unless he calls or is passing or she has to doing other stuff at home to cover her tracks - so simply has no time for me any more.

I left it for several months and not once did she get intouch. I called her a little while ago and told her it was ridiculous. We have always had the type of friendship where we may not call for 3 months etc if life was busy but then make up for it by meeting for the day or at least setting a date. I said we needed to organise a day and could she let me know what dates she was free and I would do my best to be free then too. Followed up with a few texts and fb messages over 3 or 4 weeks saying "Do you know what Saturdays/Mondays you are free yet?" and I still have not had a response. I am devestated. This was my last ditch attempt at this friendship. 28 years - gone!!

So for the past 8/9 months I have been making effort with lots of other friendships, more local but no one returns my calls or when they do they cancel at the last minute. I am always OK when there is nothing better going on but if a better offer comes up I am always the 1st person to get dumped. Since Xmas I have been rather low and unwell and not made any effort in keeping intouch and no-one has been in touch with me. Not txt, not FB message, no emails, no invites, certainly no calls and no knocks on the door . Nothing.

It was my 40th birthday last year and I organised a girls night out to celebrate. Meal a restaurant and then perhaps a few pubs/bars. I had to cancel because despite everyone saying they were coming the week before they all had something better come up and cancelled. DH was away and the kids away too. I spent the day on my own instead.

Sorry to go on - its kind of nice to let it out because I just soldier on and on but it does bloody hurt. I dont think I am clingy or possessive or anything weird but there must be something wrong with me because frankly I feel so bloody alone in the world.

So no OP, you are not alone and yanbu to feel hurt.

[Yakshemash]

See, this is where introverts like me have it easy. Friends are bloody hard work. A quick coffee once a month is more than enough maintenance for my tiny handful of friendships. All this playground power-play on Facebook is a bit childish, no?

[Yakshemash]

Lollybrolly sorry to hear about your 40th. But I really don't think you can expect friends to fill the place of your DH and children. If they were away, that's sad, but honestly, having big get-togethers for 'landmark' birthdays is not universal, really. I think a lot of people would struggle to drum up a big gang of friends after the age of about 28.

[Oblomov]

I too seem to make all the effort. And if i don't it just disintergrates into nothing.
My best friend lives 3 hs away.
Everyone mum I speak to is going for coffee. I'm not, though.
I want to be able to have a close friendship, where people can come round to my house for wine or coffee and have a good moan and a giggle to me about thier........ nursery/bt/dh/ anything they want to. But no one seems to want to share those kind of things, that I (maybe wrongly) seem to think binds a friendship and creates closeness - sharing.
You would think at 40, I have fathomed this all out, but it continues to be a total mystery!!

[dimsum123]

I also seem to have no friends. I had to let go a long standing friend recently because I felt she was taking the mick in agreeing to meet at a certain time and place and then simply not bothering to get there even remotely on time.

She is one if those people who has loads of friends and people will travel miles to see her. It must make her feel like she can do anything and she will still have loads of friends so doesn't need to bother being on time etc.

I used to have more friends a while ago when I was depressed and ill. People would call me to meet up, come round to see me etc. But since I have got better and am in good health they all seem to have lost interest. I suppose i should be grateful that i had people there for me when i was very ill, but why do they not want to know now that I'm better?

[Tulahoob]

I do think the key to being very popular/sought after as a friend is being selfish and self centred. People like that always seem to come up smelling of roses, with people desperate to ingratiate themselves with them.

I have a number of people like this on my Facebook friends list. They are all on various groups that I'm on, they are all top dog of the group that they are on, with everyone desperate to be their friend. It's sickening

[dimsum123]

Yes I agree. My friend is totally selfish and self centred. She has loads of friends but they change all the time. Many people have dumped her but she always blames them for whatever issues they had and just moves on.

I just can't be like that. I do actually care about people. She only cares about herself. And she is not choosy about who she spends time with. Some of her friends I thought were awful but she doesn't seem to care as long as she is surrounded by people and feels wanted and popular.

[Ilovexmastime]

I'm amazed by the way some of you are talking about your friends. You sound likeyou don't like them at all and that you may even be jealous of them. I pick up on this with certain 'friends' and then start distancing myself from them. Maybe this is what is happening to some of you? (Not all of you)

[dimsum123]

I'm not jealous of my friend. I feel sorry for her mostly. But yes recently I feel I have lost respect for her because of her behaviour (eg trying to trick her various boyfriends into getting her pregnant because she was getting older and time was running out).