Every friendship I have is based upon me making the effort, AIBU to get upset by this?

[obtuseone]

Every friendship that I have is conditional upon me making the bulk of the effort, ie making arrangements, and making contact. Even commenting on Facebook photos and statuses. There have been a few occasions where I've stopped initiating contact in each of those ways and in every single time I've just never heard from the friend again.

It's happening again now with a schoolfriend, whom I've known for around 20 years. She seems to make an effort for lots of other people but not for me. It's always me making contact and suggesting meeting up. I've done her a variety of favours and helped her out a lot but she barely says thanks yet if anyone else does her a favour or she spends time with them she tags them on Facebook and thanks them profusely (yes I know Facebook isn't the be all and end all but she uses it a lot). She takes me for granted. So I've decided to back off a little and see if she makes any effort. Not heard a bean for 3 weeks now, so looks like that friendship will go down the pan too.

AIBU to be highly fed up with it all?

[KnittedC]

YANBU OP, I'm the same as you (and a few of the other posters on this thread). I think I do tend to gravitate towards a certain type of person and I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that things play out the way you've described. For me, favours and kindness and punctuality are really important-I'm always reliable about meeting up, remember birthdays, offer to pay for coffees etc; but often my friends aren't as reciprocal.

I think I'm realising now that it's not worth getting upset over people who don't make the effort. I'm really lucky in that I've got a great family, brilliant partner, and a lovely baby on the way so I'm not apologising for allowing myself to get wrapped up in family life. The friends that continue to make an effort with me (old and new) are the ones I'll bother with.

OP, perhaps you should do the same-back off from your existing friends and let them come to you? Then you know that the ones that do are worth your friendship.

[JaneyLiz]

Can really relate to all of this. In the past I've definitely tried really hard to instigate things often to be blown out at the last minute. I've ended up feeling hurt and rejected. It sounds sad but I've stopped relying on friends to give me a social life. Instead I'm trying to do courses, join things (want to join a choir) and have regular activities that I don't need a friend to do. That also means I meet new people and make new friends.
l have a handful of good friends who I see about every six weeks - not much. I've given up on the idea of having a friend I can see every week.
I think that there are far more people in this position than let on.

[ChestyLeRoux]

I am partly the other way round in this.Its not that I dont want to see or contact certain peope but when you have a lot on its hard to fit it in.

Then when youn meet new people some get really full on and are texting,fbing you all the time or if you go somewhere with a different group of friends they get the hump with it.It really puts me off those people.I dont do it to offend but I have loads of friends,work,kids,family,dh to fit in and if someone keeps getting on my case constantly it winds me up.

However in your case it sounds like some people are using you if I accepted a favour I would be very grateful and would always help you in return.

[CailinDana]

I think there is definitely too much emphasis from some people on favours and reciprocal gestures. Friendship isn't about point scoring and "proving" you're good to each other, it's about a genuine mutual respect and a desire to be around each other because you enjoy each other's company. I am a "popular" person but I am very very cagey about favours because I don't like getting into that sort of mire until I'm very sure about a friendship. That takes time. And even then, if I do do a favour, I do it because I genuinely like that person and want to help them out with something, not because I ever want to be repaid. If someone takes the piss and asks for a lot of favours without ever reciprocating then I just say no and I might reconsider the friendship if I think I'm being taken advantage of. Generally though, my friends and I rarely do each other favours.

As for birthdays and things, I don't really care if friends remember them or not. Some do, some don't, I don't mind. I have no problem saying "it's your turn to get coffee today." Sitting back and expecting certain behaviour from a friend, then getting annoyed when they don't fulfil your ideas is a recipe for disappointment. You have to be clear what you expect. I've talked to friends in the past about their timekeeping, their consideration for me etc and the friendships have always ended up stronger for it.

[LadyBigtoes]

I am a crap friend at the moment, because with work, running the house, 2 small DC who don't sleep well and some health and family issues, and no family support, I'm just too exhausted. DP is lucky if he gets a look-in before I conk out every evening, and he's similarly busy and knackered. There are also loads of other things - household jobs, admin, hobbies etc - queueing up for my time and attention.

I'm aware that my friends often do the running by getting in touch and asking me to do stuff. I try, and I manage once in a blue moon to set something up and see it through, but it's hard. Like so many things, it's something I plan to focus more effort on when both DC are in school, when I can sort out my work/life balance better (I'm freelance), other issues are dealt with and I'm not so tired.

BUT, I do still appreciate my friends, even if I don't see them that much. I think when you have small DC you have to be tolerant with each other about friendships. Also, if someone was making a huge effort to maintain a friendship, and I couldn't reciprocate, I'd just feel guilty and hassled, IYSWIM.

[EuphemiaLennox]

Why would people not 'let on' JaneyLiz? It sounds a perfectly pleasant and normal way to be.

Again I think it's Facebook- where you have to advertise yourself and your life and then you read others 'adverts' and feel inferior, but continue to strive to match their socail whirlwind lifestyles.

Get Off Facebook OP.

And live a real, if quieter life, that you don't have to constantly measure against others.

(am I the only one who still finds it amazing that grown women use Facebook in this way?? I think maybe it's because I'm older but I'm only 40 fgs)

[Fishandjam]

Euphemia, I'm not on FB and I sometimes (not always) feel this way.

[pictish]

I think cailin and I are cosmic friendship handling twins, because I could've written that.
I'm not big on being giving tbh, regards favours and what not...I struggle with meeting the requirements in my own life. I get on with shit myself, and as far as I can tell, so do my other close friends. We are not in and out of each others houses or pockets.

Having said that, my good friend called me at 7am last week and told me she was desperate for a babysitter so she could go to a job interview, as her mum had let her down. It's the first time she has ever asked me for a favour for anything like that, so I knew she needed it. I was delighted to help.

My close friends are that because I enjoy their comapny and I can relax and be myself with them, warts and all.

Everyone else is a nice to know.

[LadyBigtoes]

Oh yes and I can't be arsed with FB. I have one FB friend, DP, so I can see the updates and photos he posts (not in a snoopy way, with his blessing!) and through that vaguely keep in touch with some of our friends, but I would never want to get into a position where I was upset by what someone's post, or lack of, might mean etc. I sooooo don't have time for that.

[CailinDana]

If I have a new friend who is keen to look after my DS for me or do me other favours I find it quite suffocating and I usually turn them down and don't make as much effort to maintain the relationship. The reason being that people who are quick to offer favours are usually two kinds - needy, with a desire to make a "close" friendship very quickly (which just doesn't work IME) or a user who will do one favour and then expect to be repaid forever more. My friends might ask me things as a once off (like your interview example pictish) and I'll always help in those circumstances but people who expect ongoing exchange of service just scream "hard work" to me, I'd much rather get on with my own shit and not have to think about someone else's needs too much - I have enough to deal with from my own family.

[CailinDana]

Oh and I don't get the FB thing either. I'm connected to people I'm interested in, and actually like. Unless they post something directly insulting to me, then I don't care what they say, why would I? It really surprises me that people agonise over posts - makes me wonder if one of my boring updates might have upset someone .

[CailinDana]

Basically, for me, friendship is for fun and relaxation, not for service. If a friendship becomes hard work (for reasons other than the friend falling ill or suffering a tragedy) then I just stop bothering with it.

[dreamingbohemian]

Yep I agree with Cailin and pictish too, it's not really that often that I feel my friends and I are doing each other favours, and I confess I don't really keep track that well in terms of who is putting in more effort.

Why do you feel you can't speak your mind? Can you give examples where that hasn't worked out?

[pictish]

yy to all of that cailin

[obtuseone]

Looks like I am doing a lot of things wrong then :(

I really am shit at this friendship lark

[Fishandjam]

cailin, if you knew that by not bothering with a friendship any more, you'd just not have any friends, would that matter to you? Often I've decided I'd rather be lonely than always be the one putting in the effort, but sometimes it does make me sad.

[pictish]

This is so true.

If I have a new friend who is keen to look after my DS for me or do me other favours I find it quite suffocating and I usually turn them down and don't make as much effort to maintain the relationship. The reason being that people who are quick to offer favours are usually two kinds - needy, with a desire to make a "close" friendship very quickly (which just doesn't work IME) or a user who will do one favour and then expect to be repaid forever more.

Ah yes, the benefit of experience eh? Yep yep and thrice yep.
You live, you learn.

[dreamingbohemian]

No no, don't get down on yourself!

Yes there are things we can do to have better friends but it's also down to luck a lot too.

Don't beat yourself up, just get rid of the people bringing you down and make a fresh start.

[Fishandjam]

pictish - I must be needy or a user then. Though I thought I was just being kind...

[pictish]

Don't be offended fish - really.
Most of us end up keeping the company that suits us. That's how it is. You gek with those with the same expectations and values.

[pictish]

gek? I meant gel

[dreamingbohemian]

Fish I've had a couple times in my life where I had practically no friends. Yes it sucked at the time but in hindsight I can see that it gave me space to change my life for the better, to meet new people, to do lots more things for myself, to read and listen to music and be creative.

It's also a bit better now because even if you don't have real-life friends you can at least come on MN or other places and have a wee chat with people.

So I do think better to be alone than hanging onto people, they just make you feel bad in the end.

[Pandemoniaa]

Agree with CailinDana. I'd happily do favours for friends but my friendships are not be based around favours, let alone lived out on Facebook which is always an extremely artificial measure of the good time other people appear to be having.

I'd feel very suffocated indeed if I felt I had to keep a tally of good turns or of who had, or was, organising what. Life's a bit busy, tbh and my group of friends work around much more spontaneous "cup of coffee, this morning?" sort of arrangements.

Also, while I like to think I am a good friend and will always support friends in whatever way I can, I avoid, like the plague, people who want to form cliques or spend their time excluding or backstabbing. I was recently nearly caught out in this respect but luckily, realised that the person who seemed so keen on being a far closer friend than I'd have expected, merely wanted me in her circle of people to play mind games with.

You sound like a very nice person, OP and I suspect that the problem is not with you, it is with the type of friends that you find yourself surrounded by. Friendships are about fun and relaxation, they should not leave you feeling low and doubting your ability to sustain them.

[dreamingbohemian]

Oh sorry, x-post Fish

I get what you mean, I'm the type of person who will offer to help someone out just after meeting them, I mean why not?

What I've learned though is not to do this with everybody. You can kind of tell when people will like it or not. Where I grew up it would be no big deal, but that's not true of everywhere I lived.

[Fishandjam]

I definitely don't keep a score of who I've done good turns to. Just like I don't give a toss who remembers my birthday or not (as I'm totally bone at remembering other people's!) I offer to help out because I feel that's the kind thing to do; if it gets returned, great, if not, no biggie. Don't like the idea that ulterior motives are being ascribed to it though!

And the memory of being one of the unpopular ones at (horrid, cliquey, all-girls) school is bloody hard to shake off, even at nearly 40.