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AIBU?

Every friendship I have is based upon me making the effort, AIBU to get upset by this?

127 replies

obtuseone · 14/02/2013 08:33

Every friendship that I have is conditional upon me making the bulk of the effort, ie making arrangements, and making contact. Even commenting on Facebook photos and statuses. There have been a few occasions where I've stopped initiating contact in each of those ways and in every single time I've just never heard from the friend again.

It's happening again now with a schoolfriend, whom I've known for around 20 years. She seems to make an effort for lots of other people but not for me. It's always me making contact and suggesting meeting up. I've done her a variety of favours and helped her out a lot but she barely says thanks yet if anyone else does her a favour or she spends time with them she tags them on Facebook and thanks them profusely (yes I know Facebook isn't the be all and end all but she uses it a lot). She takes me for granted. So I've decided to back off a little and see if she makes any effort. Not heard a bean for 3 weeks now, so looks like that friendship will go down the pan too.

AIBU to be highly fed up with it all?

OP posts:

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dreamingbohemian · 14/02/2013 11:30

Ooooh Fish I was also one of the unpopulars at an all-girls school

To this day most of my friends are men.

pictish · 14/02/2013 11:43

Fish - can I clarify it for you somehow?

I am friendly with a good few of the nursery mums at school. I have known this lot for two years and I'm fond of them all. I don't drive and often get offered lifts by any one of them. I think they are all very kind.

Another mum I've met twice, briefly, as a friend of one of the above, saw me standing at the bus stop waiting to get the bus round to school - I waved to her. 5 mins later she screeches to a halt beside me having dropped her own kids off at school, and come back to get me! I graciously accept, make chit chat, then bid her cheerio.
Next I get a friends request on fb...which I accept as we have lots of mutuals. She messages me offering to pick me up tomorrow. I feel prickly and decline.

A social night a week or so later, she plants herself firmly next to me and conversationally fixates on the breakdown of her marriage a year ago. She doesn't care that I'm not interested and didn't ask.

There are kind people, and there are needy people. Cailin and I know the difference. Trust us. x

obtuseone · 14/02/2013 12:11

Oh gosh no pictish I wouldn't do anything like that. People that act like that make me shudder! There is one mum at my DCs school that tries to foist herself onto anyone and everyone, offering favours, everything from taking their child to brownies each week to free gym day passes at the gym she goes too. I can tell people feel uneasy with her but she is so pushy and so full on that people accept and probably regret it afterwards

In my case, I end up being asked to do favours. I don't tend to offer to do many things these days, purely because I didn't want to get thought of as a needy saddo.

OP posts:

pictish · 14/02/2013 12:29

I didn't think you would OP - that's the more extreme end of my reasoning.

I am also wary of kind, favour doing people, simply because I haven't the time (or inclination) to invest in a relationship of swapsies. Even if the person does not expect a damn thing in return, I am not one of life's takers, and I would always feel a debt was owed.

Therefore, I prefer the company of the self sufficient.

ChestyLeRoux · 14/02/2013 12:36

I agree with pictish thats who Im on about.I have many of times ended up with these stalker type friends.

obtuseone · 14/02/2013 12:37

I think the people I class as friends are probably in the category of life's takers.

OP posts:

pictish · 14/02/2013 12:39

Well then OP you have answered your own dilemma. Ditch the takers, and save yourself for those who share your values. It may only be two or three people, but they are worth their weight in gold.

pictish · 14/02/2013 12:40

Chesty - I used to, but I see them coming a mile off now and bodyswerve neatly.

ChestyLeRoux · 14/02/2013 12:53

Yeah I do now.Before I used to be polite and laid back,and next thing Im trying to avoid their barrage of texts or trying to corner me.Then if you do make an excuse they blank you for small periods of time.

CailinDana · 14/02/2013 13:03

Obtuse, the reason you're attracting people like that is probably because they know they can take from you. If you just refuse to do favours they'll soon learn you're not a mug and move onto someone else.

Fish - to answer your question, yes I'd rather not bother than have "friends" who aren't really friends. There's just no point in chasing after people who have no interest. It's better to let that kind of people go and work on cultivating real friendships with people who are genuinely interested.

pictish · 14/02/2013 13:04

Point being, the overt givers sometimes turn out to be the ultimate takers.

reallyyummymummy · 14/02/2013 13:21

I am surprised how many people are something like me and also the way "popular" people view friendship.

I wish I could have an easy going attitude about friendship but nowadays my automatic default is that if they are interested let them come to me. I don't ask people for coffee anymore - fed up of people pretence of it all.

obtuseone · 14/02/2013 13:47

I find I also get my fair share of women being generally nasty to me and doing things that belong in a playground, which doesn't do my confidence a lot of good. Last summer a friend invited me on a night out, and she brought along another friend that I hadn't met before. Anyway, her other friend kept taking the mickey out of me all night, asking me questions about myself and then when I replied she'd repeat things I said in a mocking tone, and both would collapse into peals of laughter. They also both had a lot of private in-jokes it seemed as they would both say something very random and then again collapse with laughter. I felt like I'd only been invited so that they could be catty.

Then another time I got invite to a hen weekend. I only knew about half the women that went and was room sharing with two women that I had not met before but that knew each other very well, and they too were very bitchy to me, doing pathetic things like hiding my make up bag and making nasty comments.

OP posts:

CailinDana · 14/02/2013 13:53

That is seriously nasty behaviour obtuse, unusually so. I've never experienced anything like that. I think it was more than likely bad luck that you ended up with such bitches, but out of interest did you object at all to how you were treated? In the first instance you describe I would ask the friend to stop mocking me and if she did it again I would walk out. In the second instance I would never ever share a room with women I didn't know - far too awkward.

obtuseone · 14/02/2013 14:00

Yeah I walked out after about an hour and a half, phoned my DH and he collected me. My friend sent me a text and said I was oversensitive but I ignored her and haven't seen her since.

On the hen weekend I just grinned and beared it but definitely wouldn't share with someone I don't know again. I think it was probably bad luck like you say.

OP posts:

Pandemoniaa · 14/02/2013 14:04

It's very nasty behaviour, obtuse. How did you meet these unpleasant so-called friends?

obtuseone · 14/02/2013 14:05

Friend one I knew from school, although to be fair she did treat me that way at school too. She was only mates with me when she chose to be and then other times would just turn on me, and if ever anyone said anything horrible to me she'd side with them and join in. So I should have known better really.

The other ones I met via a friend on the hen weekend.

OP posts:

Pandemoniaa · 14/02/2013 14:08

Certainly she's no friend really, is she? Which is why I'd suggest making new friends who don't come with unpleasant baggage from way back.

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue · 14/02/2013 14:14

i think you need to seriously rethink your deinition of 'friend'. These people sound horrible, I wouldn't have put up with it for more than two minutes.

CailinDana · 14/02/2013 14:19

Obtuse - I am extremely picky about who I'm friends with. I meet a lot of people but I only have about 5 good friends, collected from down the years. I have a few other friends that I am in contact with sporadically but for various reasons I don't consider them close friends, just people I care about and like to keep in contact with. I "broke up with" my best friend of ten years when I was about 23 because of her behaviour. My point is, I am very selective, and I don't put up with any shit.

I am "popular" and I do make friends easily but that doesn't mean I have hordes of people around me at all times. I have pretty high standards in what I expect from real friends - otherwise I just consider a person an acquaintance and leave it at that level.

CailinDana · 14/02/2013 14:21

My point is, there are plenty of people you will meet in life who might want to be friends with you, but the important thing is whether you want to be friends with them. You should accept "friendship" from someone who doesn't really care about you, or someone who uses you to big themselves up and make themselves feel better.

Fishandjam · 14/02/2013 14:22

I get it pictish - I hope I would not behave like that. How embarrassing and frankly creepy! I might offer help once or twice, and then leave it (whether or not accepted) on the basis that the recipient knows where I am if they need anything in the future.

Hehe dreaming, girls-only schools are grim aren't they! Socially at least, if not academically.

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Fishandjam · 14/02/2013 14:25

OP, those people sound vile. Better to be friendless than put up with that kind of shite.

CailinDana · 14/02/2013 14:26

Sorry that should say "you shouldn't accept friendship..."

woozlebear · 14/02/2013 14:29

I really sympathise. I have a habit of being drawn to really outgoing, popular people, and so many times it's gone exactly the same way - for a while, years even, you see each other around loads, have mutual friends amd activities, so keeping in touch and arrangins stuff is easy. Then when circumstances change and it requires real effort, they can't cope with not being the centre of attention, and get huffy when one call to me goes unanswered for a few days. When I call back (often after making about 5 attempts which they don't answer!) they make a massive deal about me being rubbish at keeping in touch and basically demand and admission of 100% guilt and an apology from me. In the last few years, when I've just given up - lo and behold I never hear from the again.

A really interesting case happened at least a year after I finally stopped bothering with one friend - I called her by accident, and she called me back within half an hour. It was bizarre - she'd talk to me even after a year, if she thought I'd made the effort, but couldn't be bothered to call me of her own accord in over a year . I think some people are pathologically obsessed with feeling wanted and are only interested in people who will do all the running and make them feel adored.

I've lost all my good friends in the last 7 years. 3 in the same way as above, 2 I introduced to each other, they became best friends and no longer had time for me and one who was fab before but has spent a year saying 'I'll call you soon, I promise' and never ever ever ever does. I don't really care day-to-day. But when I think about it it makes me think what's wrong with me?

Sorry for hijack - I was really trying to say I understand and it became quite cathartic!

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