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AIBU?

Not wanting to be invited to a lunch if there is someone I don't talk to?

339 replies

Neverland2013 · 08/02/2013 22:46

I will try to keep it short. I had a big fall out with one of the mums from our 'mumsgroup' over a year ago. In the past, during a B'day party, I managed to be civil to this person but I am rather annoyed that one of my friends invited me as well as the other person to a Saturday lunch although she knows how I feel.

OP posts:

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LittleChimneyDroppings · 08/02/2013 23:43

Hell, I'd be pissed off too if a friend guzumped me. It will have cost you money and its a shite thing to do to a friend. I would just tell the person who invited you that you're sorry, you cant make it this time, but hopefully next time. Either that or tell her the truth.

Whoknowswhocares · 08/02/2013 23:44

Plus if you are the one perceived as being difficult, they are most likely to choose her
It will happen gradually. They will invite her as she says yes to invites.they know you are likely to decline and they cant have you both.As time goes by, you are no longer part of the main group. She is and asking you too is hassle they can do without. At this pint you can consider yourself dropped

LittleChimneyDroppings · 08/02/2013 23:45

Although, if the other person has been invited but not said yes, do you think they would still go knowing you are going to be there?

Whoknowswhocares · 08/02/2013 23:47

Well if you are thick skinned enough to gazzump a friend, I doubt a double lunch date holds too many fears!

AgentZigzag · 08/02/2013 23:48

'I would never do that to a friend, not if I wanted them to talk to me again!'

And that's it, of course the ex friend is totally within her rights to do what she did, but she (or anyone on the thread) couldn't expect the OP not to remember what kind of a person she is and not want anything to do with her.

Cutting her out of her life would be good advice if the OP posted about what she did at the time, nothing immature about it.

But I read the OP as saying she was mostly surprised the friend doing the inviting, invited them both, knowing what she knows.

And that's not an unreasonable thing to wonder about.

The OP could come down with a case of (what I saw nicely described on a thread here as) Diplomatic Norovirus, and not go, but just thinking about being in the same room as the ex friend must have brought up all the shit she had at the time.

If that's the case it's not surprising she's a bit at it.

Neverland2013 · 08/02/2013 23:58

Perhaps I see it too black and white but I do wonder whether it is time for me re-evaluate who my friends are. At the time, the three of them knew what was happening but did not tell me as they didn't want to get involved. Now I am being invited to same events and to be honest I feel like cutting my losses. In some ways, although I try really hard, it is always at the back of my mind...........

OP posts:

anonymosity · 09/02/2013 00:09

Its funny. The first responder to this OP was dismissive and saying roughly "don't act teenage" then almost EVERY post thereafter jumps on the bandwagon.
I wouldn't have been so harsh. Maybe just don't go but don't make a fuss either?

I do wonder sometimes if Mumsnet is stuffed to the gills with sheep....

CuriousMama · 09/02/2013 00:14

Neverland if they knew what she was doing they're not nice either imo. Cut the dead wood and start anew I'd say. They could've told you anonymously tbh. Fuckers.

Viviennemary · 09/02/2013 00:16

There is not very much you can do about this. Either go and avoid her or don't go. I don't think you can blame the other person for the fact that both of you are invited to the lunch. As you've both got the choice of whether to go or not. You've got an issue with this person because of what happened. But you can't expect everyone else to avoid her too as it's not really anything to do with them. But I do have sympathy for your difficult situation.

MrsMangelfanciedPaulRobinson · 09/02/2013 00:18

So they didn't want to get involved yet they did get involved by listening to her telling them she was gazumping you! They don't sound like friends, I would cut ties with the lot of them, they've made it clear where their loyalties lie

LittleChimneyDroppings · 09/02/2013 00:19

Spot on there AgentZigZag. Good post.

Neverland2013 · 09/02/2013 00:20

CuriousMama - that is how I will proceed because I can't be ask to put up with this anymore.

Thanks to all for your responses.

OP posts:

MrsMangelfanciedPaulRobinson · 09/02/2013 00:20

Meant to add why is it in these situations it is always, always the person who does wrong who ends up smelling of roses and keeping all their friends, whilst the person who has done nothing wrong often ends up sidelined and left out with everyone telling them they're 'not getting involved'? Maybe it's just me but I tend to always side with/defend the person who has been treated badly in these kinds of situations.

CuriousMama · 09/02/2013 00:22

Good for you. Friends are loyal and to be trusted. This lot deserve each other by the sounds of it.

timidviper · 09/02/2013 00:25

Neverland You sound exactly as I felt over the fallout I had (mentioned upthread). Some of my close friends also felt this woman had behaved badly, understood how I felt and stopped inviting her to things but others still see her and me, just seperately.

I do feel a bit let down by their lack of loyalty though, they take the attitude that they agree she behaved badly but didn't do it to them so they have no issue with her whereas I hope that, if anybody did that to one of my friends, I wouldn't stand by and ignore it but we are all entitled to our own opinions and ways of doing things.

It sounds like a re-evaluation may be overdue if the others knew the gazumping was coming and didn't tell you. They don't sound like good friends to me.

AgentZigzag · 09/02/2013 00:25

Just because they said they're not getting involved, doesn't mean they aren't.

Someone I know, who's professed for years they never get involved in one side or another (of something specific), has just outed themselves as being anything but impartial.

Some people like others to think they're above it all, when in reality they're the biggest stirrers out!

MrsMangelfanciedPaulRobinson · 09/02/2013 00:27

Zigzag, that is so true about those that make out they are above it all being the biggest stirrers! It also tends to happen that people will only say 'I'm not getting involved' to the person that they are not siding with

Zondra · 09/02/2013 00:32

Ouryve- has covered what should happen.

If it's a small group, decline.

Big group- go! Don't let this crappy situation deny you friendship.
Be courteous, polite, cold even. Gloss over it.

I do think it's rubbish, though. However, through experience of my own I a similar situation, the best thing is to rise above & forget. You don't need to forgive, but I assure you that you'll gain more in the long run.

AgentZigzag · 09/02/2013 00:32

And the accusations of the OP being childish aren't taking into account how complex relationships between people can be, and how emotional they are, regardless of how insignificant they might seem from the outside.

If successful interactions with other people can make or break a person, it's not immature to try and work out how you want to feel about someone you thought a lot of but who betrayed you.

If the ex friend fucked the OP off big time, the OP's been left wondering whether she's able to read things properly. Why she didn't see what the person was like before she dumped on her.

It can make you wonder whether you can trust your judgement, and if you can't in that situation, what about other ones.

AgentZigzag · 09/02/2013 00:37

' It also tends to happen that people will only say 'I'm not getting involved' to the person that they are not siding with'

That's true in my situation too.

The person doing it has very strong views on how things are, and this makes them like to be seen by other people as totally objective/consistent. But because they've got such strong views, they can't help themselves and are compelled to call a spade a spade, regardless of how much what they say hurts the other person.

They just can't see it in themselves though and I'm not talking to them so I can't call a spade a spade myself .

Zondra · 09/02/2013 00:40

Agent- that's a very insightful post. Thinking about it all, you make a lot of sense.

Neverland2013 · 09/02/2013 00:43

I agree. I understand that they didn't want to get involved and it is a very difficult situation but as timidviper states I do feel let down by their lack of loyalty and now even sensitivity. I would like to think that if I was in their shoes I would acted differently. I do find it odd that now I am being told that I should be glad that we didn't buy the house as it needs so much work etc. Should that make me feel better? I just wish one of them had the guts to tell me at the time what was going on so we could have done something about it. Instead, I found out on completion!

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AgentZigzag · 09/02/2013 00:44

That's very kind of you to say zondra, thank you.

I'm always surprised by how similar the people I have a problem with in RL are to the people posters describe on here.

LittleChimneyDroppings · 09/02/2013 00:47

They should have told you op. I can imagine the the thoughts whizzing round your head when you found out. Absolutely rubbish behaviour.

LittleChimneyDroppings · 09/02/2013 00:49

And yes, Agent, your posts have been particularly insightful tonight. Very well thought out.

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