to think DD is too old for pocket money?

[NewPatchesForOld]

DD1 is now 18. She is at college doing A levels having wasted a year doing a college course which she had no interest in and which, although now qualified, will never use. All her friends either work full time or have part time jobs in McDs, or local shops, or pubs etc...but DD1 just won't work. She says that she has tried to get a job but can't...that there are none around. However I often see jobs advertised in town and come home and tell her but she never applies for them. The local co op advertises loads of jobs but she doesn't want to work locally...McDs is 'beneath her', she won't ask in the pub up the road because 'they deal drugs', she won't take a job in the industry for which she is qualified bcause she hates the work, in short she just won't get off her arse and work.

Now she has asked if I will give her 'pocket money'. When I said I couldn't afford it she got really irate, she needs money, it's not her fault she can't get a job, as she can't get a job it's mine to fund her life...I have just finished paying out hundreds for her driving lessons resulting in me not having any spare money at all for myself or treats for the other Dcs, I'm a single mum and live literally hand to mouth some weeks.

She wants the money so she can go out drinking (I can't afford to do this myself), and get tattoos...she already has 2.

I was working from the age of 14, and frankly I think she should be embarrassed to be asking for pocket money at her age.

But AIBU?

[NewPatchesForOld]

Incidentally, she is well aware that business is atrocious at the moment and therefore money is stretched to the limit.

DBF bought a wardrobe for DD2's room as she really has a make-do room at the moment. DD1 said that the wardrobe would go through the floor (odd thing to say as the house has been standing for more than 500 years) and that when the house collapses she would laugh at us all being homeless while she was in a nice house somewhere else. I don't quite know where this nice little house will come from, or how she will pay for it, but I just thought what an infantile nasty thing to say to your own family.

[NewPatchesForOld]

Maryz she originally wanted to do forensic psychology, but now says she wants to do counselling; this however is not borne of a desire to help people but as an easy job, by her own admission. But she is so lacking in empathy that it would be a disaster, not that I have told her that. She says it is really easy money sitting listening to people drone on about their 'stupid problems' (I also find this disrespectful as I am a therapist - not a counsellor but similar and studied hard throughout my pregnancy to get my qualifications, and then set up my business which I lost once due to domestic violence and having to move and have now set up again).

[TheFallenNinja]

I'm afraid this is one of those horrible times when you have to sit them down quietly, take their hand, look them in the eye, smile and remember them growing up then tell them to grow the fuck up.

[NewPatchesForOld]

ninja I have said that to her, lol...almost word for word when she has exasperated me so much actually!

[JuliesSistersCousinsAuntsCat]

You could by my mum talking about my sister only my sister is 19 and in her last year of a 3 year college course. She also has a BF who has his own house but my mums is her main residence code for my mum doing Dsis washing and buying her food blah blah

I tell my mum time and time again to stop giving her an allowance as it enables her to remain lazy. I see part time evening or weekend jobs around and it falls on deaf ears. She won't learn to be self-sufficient until she has no choice but to do so. I've heard from mum that Dsis' BF won't let her move in until she learns to be less selfish and lazy (his words).

I've given up on offering mum advice. She never does anything to help herself or the situation. I have huge sympathy for you OP. Hope it improves soon.

[Writerwannabe83]

I stopped getting pocket money when I was 14.

I then got myself a paper round (which I hated) for rubbish money but it was either that or I went without. I had a part time job during high school, college and when I was doing my degree. The only time I was given some money from my mom when I was younger (i.e aged 14-16) was at Christmas so I could get my family and friends presents. Apart from that, unless I worked I got nothing.

You're right, your daughter should be embarrassed

Stop giving money to her and let her tantrum all she likes. She will soon realise she is an adult and that if she wants to buy things then she needs to earn the money for them herself

[NewPatchesForOld]

I wouldn't be so adverse to giving her money sometimes if she showed some inclination towards helping herself, and if I could afford it. But it's the idea that she thinks it's my duty to pay for her luxuries (that I can't afford for myself) that is really sickening me.

[flaggybannel]

sorry to hijack and apologies if anyone has already asked this but where was this card shop with a vacancy?

I want it for a second job! 15 years experience in retail, i will take any hours they offer, i am hopeful my current job can juggle the hours fortunetly my boss is understanding.

Pm me if you like

[Thumbwitch]

Oh hilarity at the idea of her becoming a counsellor!!
Well, as you no doubt know, NewPatches - she wouldn't get through the training because even if she passed the theory, she'd be failed on competence.

How would you feel about her going to live with her father? Is that even an option? Would he pander to her, or would he make her actually do stuff to earn her keep? might be an option if you think it would shake her out of her current indolence.

The comment to your DS - sounds like jealousy. I am not for ONE MOMENT suggesting that she has cause to be jealous of her brother, in terms of your treatment of them - but she might be subconsciously jealous that he has all these things going on in his life, without acknowledging that he's actually worked for them.

Going back to my BIL - I know he's jealous of DH. DH doesn't accept it, but I know he is because of his actions - and he thinks the world owes him too, and that he should have as much or more than his brother. But, like your DD1, he doesn't see that he should have to put any effort into achieving it.

[missingmumxox]

I stopped pocket money at 16, got a job at McD's, a pub and holiday jobs in an office, for the 3 years up to starting nursing, my McD'd 5 star cert is my facebook profile pic, 23 years on, It is Ironic but I am a bit proud I did it.

[ENormaSnob]

She sounds horrible.

[Matildaduck]

Omg i had a friend like this...she still doesn't really work. Bit of this and that but no actual career or money to speak of. ( she's. MId 30's)

just say no.

[NynaevesSister]

I was going to say what Hesterton said. Basically, at some point she learnt to associate how much you love her with how much you give her. And of course that is never enough. As we all know things don't fill the gap but she hasn't learnt that. This behaviour is oh so familiar from the step families support groups I have belonged to in the past.

So the answer is to stop giving her money, things, and your help. Give her your time, smile as much as you can when she is around to reinforce good behaviour, tell her that you love her lots even when she throws it in your face, don't react to her when she mouths off and instead just listen to her. Finally stand firm. You are a good mother, believe in yourself and she will start to believe in herself too.

And when things are at their worst, peek in on her sleeping. You will see her real face, the lovely little baby and girl you remember. It really helps get you thru those tougher teen years.

[MerryCouthyMows]

Christ on a bike! My nearly 15yo DD with multiple complex needs is trying to find a weekend job FFS! She has one place, a bakery, that might take her - she has to go there again next weekend to sort it out. As the manager said, it doesn't matter if she can't read Shakespeare, as long as she can bake! (Which she can. Awesomely.)

I would LAUGH at an ADULT if they asked for money at 18 - by 18 I was working FT and had a DC.

DD knows that there is no way I can pay for driving lessons for her, and no way I would - it would have been a great motivator to get a job.

You can say no to your DD over this without any guilt IMO. She CAN get a job, she just doesn't want to.

[MerryCouthyMows]

I have Hypermobility syndrome that has now caused me to develop arthritis. I have 4 DC's, 3 of whom also have Hypermobility syndrome, and pain from it. We all still have to get on with day to day things.

I have to do the housework as much as possible, and the DC's have to help me with that too. Tbh it sounds like my 9yo with SEVERE Hypermobility syndrome (to the point where he didn't walk at all until he was 3y7m, and has developed kyphosis so severe and painful that yesterday the orthopaedic consultant said he is at risk of ending up in a wheelchair if his Physio doesn't have enough effect.)

He does more round the house than your 18yo DD. Hypermobility syndrome is painful. But it isn't an excuse to do fuck all and mooch off your Mum forever!

[MerryCouthyMows]

Socharlottet - The OP may get Tax Credits, but surely that is to cover the electricity, gas, water, food and basic clothing that the OP's DD requires? And possibly her travel to college too.

TC's certainly don't give you enough to fund a child's social life!

TC's work out to around 54 a week per child if you are getting the maximum. Which is unlikely as the OP works. Once you have paid fares to college and bought food for that DC, there won't be anything left over.

[Wewereherefirst]

By 18, I was working f/t, pregnant and in a house share. I had an entitled attitude but finding myself homeless at 17 really helped, I worked in McD's which was one of the best jobs I've had.

I would be offering her choices to knuckle down to study, get a job and pay board and lodgings, get a full time job and pay b&l or get a job and find another place to live.

18 may be young, but there's no need for entitlement, she is an adult and she needs to be treated like one.

[Sallyingforth]

I had to laugh at the counselling too! Sounds like she needs to be receiving rather than giving it.
At 18 she's an adult and needs to be at least attempting to support herself.
You are not helping her by pandering to her entitled ways.

[NewPatchesForOld]

believe me, I have tried sitting down with her and trying to explain things to her. I'm not angry - if you knew me you would laugh at that because I am one of the most easy going people you could meet! I am fearful for her future mostly, and hurt by her attitude towards me and the other Dcs, but not angry. I was behind her when she said she wanted to do forensic psychology, bought her the books, watched the documentaries with her etc. I've never said she couldn't make it as a counsellor, even though I know it would be the wrong thing for her to do as she just doesn't have that empathy required. I've always encouraged the DCs to reach for the moon.
Yes, I believe she is jealous of DS, but there is nothing I can do to change that - he is a go-getter and she is not, and I'm certainly not going to try and get him to hold back so she doesn't feel inadequate.
She has every Monday off college, and we always either go into town, go to costa and have coffee and cake or if it's a crappy day we will snuggle up on the settee and watch programmes she wants to watch or a film etc. Mondays are our day, and the other 2 DC don't get that, so she isn't lacking in one to one attention from me.

Merry please don't think I am minimising the HMS, I'm really not. I have fibromyalgia, and at times I have to use a stick to walk. Part of that is also extreme debilitating fatigue so I do know what it's like, but I know for a fact that she plays on it, and she admitted that last night when she said she takes all the time off from college because she hates it, not because she is ill. Now that makes me angry, faking illness to be lazy. I also had cervical cancer this time last year, so I know more than many how badly illness can affect you, but I am a single mum of 3 and I had to keep going, keep getting up every morning. And I worry that she will be unable to work because she cannot bring herself to do a full day's hours.

I've spoken to her this morning about her behaviour last night. She said she was tired and in pain and that made her grumpy. I said I understood that but that it was no excuse to be mean, and that she owed her brother an apology...she refused to do that.

I don't mean to drip feed, or keep adding to her list of 'crimes'; I love my DD very much, she was my first born and will always be special and I do show all the DC that I love them every day. I am very affectionate, I cuddle them all, kiss them, and we all say 'I love you' man y times a day, including DD1. But I can see her ruining her future before it's even begun, and that panics me.

I encouraged her to see the student counsellor at college, as I thought there might be something she felt she couldn't tell me, or that it might be something I am doing myself and she doesn't want to offend me. She made an apt but never went. We talk about everything, are all very6 open with each other and they all know I will always have their backs.

[NewPatchesForOld]

We even go to the cinema on a Monday morning if there is something she wants to see that we can't see with the other Dcs, so she really does get more time, and attention, than the others.

[Thumbwitch]

Well something has to change, Newpatches - perhaps you should cut down on her special Monday time, just the two of you - it seems like she thinks she has you twisted round her little finger, show her otherwise. I expect you pay for everything on those town/cinema visits too - she is spoilt, and her expectations that you will treat her differently/more specially than the other two are being reinforced by these Mondays.

Rather than doing something self-indulgent together, perhaps you could both do some voluntary work on a Monday instead? You could then still have your together time and it might encourage her to be less selfish.