to think DD is too old for pocket money?

[NewPatchesForOld]

DD1 is now 18. She is at college doing A levels having wasted a year doing a college course which she had no interest in and which, although now qualified, will never use. All her friends either work full time or have part time jobs in McDs, or local shops, or pubs etc...but DD1 just won't work. She says that she has tried to get a job but can't...that there are none around. However I often see jobs advertised in town and come home and tell her but she never applies for them. The local co op advertises loads of jobs but she doesn't want to work locally...McDs is 'beneath her', she won't ask in the pub up the road because 'they deal drugs', she won't take a job in the industry for which she is qualified bcause she hates the work, in short she just won't get off her arse and work.

Now she has asked if I will give her 'pocket money'. When I said I couldn't afford it she got really irate, she needs money, it's not her fault she can't get a job, as she can't get a job it's mine to fund her life...I have just finished paying out hundreds for her driving lessons resulting in me not having any spare money at all for myself or treats for the other Dcs, I'm a single mum and live literally hand to mouth some weeks.

She wants the money so she can go out drinking (I can't afford to do this myself), and get tattoos...she already has 2.

I was working from the age of 14, and frankly I think she should be embarrassed to be asking for pocket money at her age.

But AIBU?

[socharlottet]

YABU.You are still entitled to tax credits and child benefits for an 18 yo in further education.My DS is 18 in the upper 6th and none of his friends have jobs apart from in the summer holidays and babysitting.I will not let DS have one until after his exams are finished it can and does have a bad effect on studies.

[HecateWhoopass]

It's not too late.

It will be harder - for you AND for her.

It will be painful and she will hate you.

but in the long term, she will benefit and you will have to cling on to that knowledge to get you though!

That and wine.

[NewPatchesForOld]

She won't clean the bathroom (or she will occasionally if I explode) but refuses to do the toilet as 'why should she clean up someone else's p**s'

She won't walk the dog (it hurts her arms)

She won't hoover the stairs (hurts her back)

Thursdays at college are supposed to be from 9 til 5 with a 3 hour break. She comes home at 12 because she doesn't see why she has to hang around for 3 hours, standing around makes her hurt (she can sit in the library) and yet after college today she is going straight into town to meet her friend and they will walk around for 2 hours.

[Thumbwitch]

Guilt is a terrible motivator in these situations, I think. MIL had that because FIL died when the boys were 17 and 19; I think that's why she let them take the piss (in different ways).

But now, let me redirect that guilt for you - you have done marvellously well to get them all grown up, healthy, in your own home, with food on the table etc. You have therefore paid your debt for the earlier problems. NOW you need to prevent yourself being in the position in 10 years time of feeling guilty that you didn't do more to stop your DD1 from becoming an utterly spoilt little princess.

You haven't left it too late to change at all! Just DO it, starting now.
If necessary, have a family discussion about it - say that things are tight financially and you won't be able to fund anything more than basics (all true!) - so handouts stop here and now. They can work for any money they might need; either for you or outside the house.

[HecateWhoopass]

You also have to consider the example it sets the younger ones.

What when THEY start acting like her?

What if they resent you because they do so much and she sits on her arse?

You have to get tough.

It's going to be hell. But the alternative is worse.

[NewPatchesForOld]

socharlottet really??? I'm being unreasonable? Tax credits go on paying for the roof over her head, the food she eats, the heat and lighting...I am not asking if I should be feeing her, I'm asking should I be funding her social life and paying for tattoos.

[Thumbwitch]

NewPatches - take heed of Maryz - she's got the experience. :)

[NewPatchesForOld]

mary yes wine seems to be a good companion at the moment!

I feel horrible writing all this about her actually, because she can be a lovely lovely girl, and it is more for her that I worry than myself over this as she is going to be in for one hell of a shock when she goes into the big bad world.

[dashoflime]

Jesus Christ:

Of course 18 is too old for pocket money. At 18 I'd been living away from home for 2 years, earning my own money. At 19 I was supporting Dsis as well.

My Mum once came round and found we had no cooker. She bought a camping gas stove for us for £50 and I felt horrible guilt that she'd spent what seemed like a huge amount of money that she couldn't really afford.

It always amazes me the kind of stuff other people expect from their parents.

[NewPatchesForOld]

thumbwitch indeed...and I think maybe a trade off is a good idea - if she wants a lift then she has to earn it etc.

[thegreylady]

YANBU
My dh died when dc were 12 and 16.
Ds who was 16 got a job washing up at the country club and gave dd pocket money from his wages!!

[NewPatchesForOld]

dashoflime I didn't leave home til I was 23 but I was very independent, at one time I had 3 jobs as I wanted to go backpacking in Greece.

She doesn't call it pocket money mind you...she calls it an allowance

[NewPatchesForOld]

greylady I am so sorry to hear about your DH, and that is so lovely to hear about your DS - you obviously did a wonderful job of bringing them up!

[diddl]

I don´t go out to work & mine are teens but they are still expected to do stuff-like put their washing in the washbox, clean & tidy their own rooms (or not as it seems!), keep the dining room/sitting room tidy of their stuff-clean toilet & sink after use if necessary...

It´s part of being in a family & living in the same house.

Unless they can afford staff when older (doubtful), they need to at least be responsible for their own mess!

[NewPatchesForOld]

The stupid thing is, she is very tidy - with her own stuff. her room is always tidy even if it's not hoovered. She hates mess with a passion, but refuses to just chip in and help regardless of who's made the mess in the first place. (I'm talking about general house stuff, not specific DSs stuff being left on the floor for instance.) You know, the general stuff we all have to do, like hoover, or dust, or walk the dog, or hang out washing...

Mary your posts are making me giggle so may I raise a to you for that!

Ah...tough times ahead I think.

[meddie]

Stop funding her, apart from the basics. like food, roof over her head and attending college.
She will whine and tantrum and throw a strop, because you are not giving her what she wants, you need to be firm and not back down and it will be bloody hard, shes had 18 years to develop ways in which to guilt and manipulate you into doing her thing.
But after all as she said in her own words "I,m 18 you can't tell me anything anymore" she's an adult and if she wants to be treated like an adult then she needs to start behaving like one, along with the responsibilities that come with it.

[Paiviaso]

You are enabling her laziness if you give her money.

There was a TV show a few years ago about young women who chose not to work, and depended on either their parents or men. The show sent them to work to convince them to have pride in fending for themselves. I don't think whole episodes are online, but please don't let your daughter become Kaycie: www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p00fffqk An incredibly spoilt brat, who emotionally blackmails her mother into giving her money. Her boyfriend dumps her in the middle of filming for being boring and clingy, and she fails at her job placements. Her attitude is horrendous.

[DreamingOfTheMaldives]

Bloody hell, when I was her age I had already been working for 4 years! I used to love working, because I liked having my own money, and hated it when I was on basic hours some weeks because it meant I had less cash. My parents couldn't afford to give me money so if I hadn't worked I wouldn't have been able to go out.

When I was 17 and 18, I used to work the evening shift in a shop. On Fridays and Saturdays I would take my going out clothes with me and the manager would wait 10 minutes before locking up while I got ready at the end of my shift!

You need to stop buying her makeup and clothes (apart from some very very basic items)! If she hasn't got any makeup or fashionable clothes, she will soon want to earn some money. If she gets an interview then you could buy her something to wear for that (if she needs it) but you need to be strict with her. You will provide her with a home and food but if she wants a social life and nice things then she has to pay for it her self.

She sounds like a lazy little madam and you need to stop enabling this. She needs to have a work ethic instilled into her and soon, otherwise she will spend her life expecting someone to fund her.