to think DD is too old for pocket money?

[NewPatchesForOld]

DD1 is now 18. She is at college doing A levels having wasted a year doing a college course which she had no interest in and which, although now qualified, will never use. All her friends either work full time or have part time jobs in McDs, or local shops, or pubs etc...but DD1 just won't work. She says that she has tried to get a job but can't...that there are none around. However I often see jobs advertised in town and come home and tell her but she never applies for them. The local co op advertises loads of jobs but she doesn't want to work locally...McDs is 'beneath her', she won't ask in the pub up the road because 'they deal drugs', she won't take a job in the industry for which she is qualified bcause she hates the work, in short she just won't get off her arse and work.

Now she has asked if I will give her 'pocket money'. When I said I couldn't afford it she got really irate, she needs money, it's not her fault she can't get a job, as she can't get a job it's mine to fund her life...I have just finished paying out hundreds for her driving lessons resulting in me not having any spare money at all for myself or treats for the other Dcs, I'm a single mum and live literally hand to mouth some weeks.

She wants the money so she can go out drinking (I can't afford to do this myself), and get tattoos...she already has 2.

I was working from the age of 14, and frankly I think she should be embarrassed to be asking for pocket money at her age.

But AIBU?

[DreamingOfTheMaldives]

TheGreyLady - what a lovely thing your DS did.

[BonaDea]

YANBU.

[queue massive "when I was a girl" rant]

But I got my first part time job when I was 14 I think. It paid £1.67 per hour. By the time I was 18 I was going to uni full time, had a part time job and paid my mum 'digs' money. Of course it didn't cover all my expenses, but it was a gesture. She probably bunged me a tenner now and again out of the goodness of her heart, but it wasn't to be relied upon or expected.

I genuinely don't think you'd be doing her any favours to start shelling out now.

[tinkerbelle31]

point in her in the direction of the local job centre, tell her you will no longer be giving her money for nothing (dire staights song came in to my head then) if she wants money off you she has to earn it and at 18 she should be having some independance unless she is planning on living with you forever

[OkayHazel]

I wish someone would pay for my driving lessons!

I'm 20 and still can't drive. Full time education has milked every penny I have earned since 16 and I've still never had a lesson.

[StuntGirl]

Oh FSS OP put your big girl pants on and put a stop to this.

This is of your own making, you can stop it too. I would expect her to be a polite, contributing member of the household or I'd expect her to leave.

[Whoknowswhocares]

Actually I do give DS an allowance. I'm lucky in that I can afford to. Out of that he has to pay for all his clothes, toiletries,gifts for people and social life. I pay absolutely NOTHING on top. If he runs out, tough till next month! Gives him some independence and teaches him to budget

However he is grateful and never grasping or entitled, has 100% attendance at college, is hitting his grade targets,does a part time job for extra cash and helps out at home as required. If he exhibited even one of the entitled, brattish traits of the OP's DD (or obv if my financial circumstances were different) he would get NOT A SINGLE BLOODY PENNY.

[scarlettsmummy2]

She sounds delightful. Don't give her pocket money until you have seen evidence of job applications.

[NewPatchesForOld]

See, the thing is I've never had the means to spoil any of my DC, she unfortunately gets the 'world owes me a living' from her father. But I am guilty of allowing her to expect all the time. She is well known for her tantrums and moods and I have, in the past avoided those for the sake of peace. Her moods have even cost me a relationship in the past. But I will 'put on my big girls pants' and stop being such a pushover.

[TrucksAndDinosaurs]

Good for you. She says 'you chose to have children.' (!) well she is not a child.

[mumblechum1]

DS is also 18 and he gets his "pocket money" from being in the TA and in order to get paid £9.25 on Tuesday night he had to go through a gas test, ie put a Chemical Biological and Nuclear suit on, then go into a gas chamber, take the hood off, recite his name, rank and number while the chemicals reacted with his eyes, mouth, nose etc and then puke up.

Makes asking "do you want fries with that" sound like a bit of a dream job!

[ZZZenAgain]

well hard to get a job for someone who isn't interested in taking it up or keeping up and you can talk all you like, she won't do it if she doesn't want to. Only thing you can do is turn off the tap so she has to get herself a job. Only option she has then is to move in with her father or steal I suppose or drop out in protest. You have to know your dd.

I'd tell her that the reality of life is you work. You can do a (what she considers) menial job for a time while getting her A-levels or focus on A-levels and go without the social life, make-up, clothes for that period (ha ha). She can choose to get a job in the field she trained in which means being treated as a professional to some degree or take a walk-in job at a supermarket, shop or McD. The sensible thing to do is to take a job in a beauty salon where she might also get tips IYAM.

I'd also tell her that you can either do this type of job for a time while you train to do something which gets you better conditions and more money or you end up doing this type of work for the rest of your life. That is how it is.
If you are lucky she might think about it.

If she does go to university, she would be better off with a vocational training of some kind. I don't think she has the get up and go to study English literature or art history and find herself a job. Maybe she needs something more practical where the end certificate is the entrance ticket to a specific job.

[Fairylea]

She needs to get a job.

She is 18. An adult and needs to learn some responsibility.

When I was 18 I was studying for 3 a levels (I missed a year or so of college with health problems) and I also got myself a part time job working in a pub, which was actually very good for me as I admit I was a bit stuck up and meeting some real people outside college gave me a better grounding.

I used to work 25-30 hours a week. I still managed to get AAB at A level.

[zlist]

YANBU - I got a job as soon as I turned 13 and at this point my 30p/week pocket money (that was often forgotten anyway and I wasn't allowed to ask for it!) completely stopped. To my surprise I was given £100 for freshers week at uni and that was the very last contribution from my parents.

[MusicalEndorphins]

My sons both have EDS Hyper-Mobility type, one can't walk without a cane, has a lot of pain. They never had an entitled attitude as your daughter does. You daughter's attitude is her worst enemy.
Maybe your daughter should go stay with her father and give you a break from her entitled attitude.

[MusicalEndorphins]

Studying beauty treatments sounds like it would be easy ion her physically. Why has she decided that she hates it now? It sounds ideal for a person with HMS. Could she put a free ad up offering to do low priced make-up for people at a good price? (If she has the supplies needed that is). If that is the type of stuff she studied?
I don't automatically think people who act badly need any treatment, but they do think there is a connection in HMS with depression and anxiety. I don't mean to be dramatic or have you doubt yourself, but could she benefit from a medication? I don't have a daughter, but I do know they simply can be moody, so I may (probably am) way off the mark. Just thought I'd mention it.

[comingintomyown]

It cant be easy writing all this and hearing the responses OP

In the short term it has been easier to cave into her because I'm guessing she is loud in her indignant attitude when she doesnt want to do something or isnt getting her own way. Perhaps you have just done whatever chore it is or given her some cash for a quiet life ?

I would be inclined to sit down with a straightforward list of household monthly outgoings with her and explain this is why you dont have spare cash. Then I would explain that you are no longer prepared to wipe her bottom for her as you would for a small child and that she needs to accept at her age she should have some responsibilities.

Before that you need to think about what you are prepared to do (not threaten to do ) if she doesnt mend her ways and set your mind to it.

I would make it a brief , quiet conversation and mean it as she does sound like she needs to be dealt with and by taking the path of least resistance in the past you find yourself here today

[Bobyan]

I'd remove the TV from her room, refuse to buy anything any more.

Tell her that under 100℅ attendance at college will result in a £10 per week rent charge for every 10℅ she's under by (e.g. if she has 50% attendance she would have to pay you £50 rent).

If she refuses to comply tell her to go live with her dad.

[Bobyan]

That should read 100 percent and 10 percent, respectively!

[ratspeaker]

She is an adult
She is free to leave home and live elsewhere
If she can find a better deal -help her pack!

If she lived elsewhere she would have to contribute to tv license, council tax, rent, gas, electric, broadband, phone, bus fares, cable/sky bills , food

That being said I have 2 uni student DCs still living at home.
i dont ask for dig money but I do not provide pocket money.
They can have the bounty of what we have in terms of food ,tv, heating, light, insurance, entertainment, household bills
I dont provide takeaways, nights out with pals, tattoos, personal holidays, endless booze

[Hattifattner]

oh dear....my DD's pocket money stopped at 16 - just before Christmas. SHe went straight out and had a job lined up for the Christmas hols - just a temp job, but she managed to earn £500 over holidays. SHe worked bloody hard, 12 hour shifts.

She also volunteers in two organisations - one a youth group and the other a sports club where she is learning skills that she will be able to use to get a job in future.

[chipsandpeas]

christ at 18 i was at uni, working part time and giving my mum dig money - all i got from her was food and a roof over my head, everything else i paid for

[HermioneHatesHoovering]

You have to ditch the guilt. My xh left 10 years ago, moved to other side of world, kids not seen him since. For a while I spoilt my kids, trying to be both Mum and dad but luckily for me I realised that they were starting to turn into brats and changed MY behaviour.

Her behaviour won't change until you change yours. Yes it will probably be painful in the short term but you have to do it for both your sakes.

My now 18yr old DD is doing a Uni course that is more than full time, she also works and is completely self funded except for bed and board which I provide. She would prefer it was different, but it isn't, she knows there is no other option.

The only way to change your daughters' behaviour is to change yours.

[NewPatchesForOld]

No, it's not easy hearing the replies but they are expected and only what I would say to someone else.

DBF took us out tonight for dinner; DD came straight from college (well college and then mooching round town with her friend) and she was awful...her attitude was horrendous. I asked her how college was and she grunted, then I asked what was wrong and she said 'what do you want me to say? I hate college, why do you think my attendance was only 52%?' I replied that I was under the impression it was because she was ill and she said no, I hate going'. So I fear Thumbwitch may be nearer the mark than even she realised. She is only 6 months into this course, and although she is very good at it (she is doing psychology, sociology and English language) she won't apply herself to it.

She was horrid to DS at dinner too - he was talking about his band (he plays lead guitar) and she said 'huh, don't know why you bother, it's not like you're going to be any good or get anywhere is it?' Now I am very proud of DS's achievements - he taught himself to play guitar, he writes the songs, his band is playing at the school prom, also in the local party in the park, he has done volunteer work with the police, is in Air Cadets...he leads a very full life and is only 15. he saved up birthday money, Christmas money, and chore money and bought himself an electric guitar, then sold that and bought a better one...DD has NO interests. I am in the middle of doing several diplomas, have my own business, I write...so it's not as if she is surrounded by lazy couch potatoes and doesn't know any better.

I don't think she is depressed; she just has a very bad attitude to people and working.

[HollaAtMeBaby]

YANBU so please stop being such a doormat!

All the things you provide that you are trying to justify (make-up, clothes - yes, even knickers, Quorn) are LUXURIES and she should be paying for them herself. From now on, don't buy her anything and let her eat what you eat or provide something else for herself - plain rice or pasta can be the onlyy veggie option you provide. Same with make-up.

[LatteLady]

Can I suggest that not only do you stop paying her any money but that you also go on strike... no washing, ironing etc.

I would also talk to her course tutor and explain what you are doing and ask them to come down on her like a ton of bricks.

You already know what you need to do, so now just go do it... and if she plays up stick your fingers in your ears and start lalalalaing... teenagers really hate it when you do that