to leave (just) 9 year old home alone after school

[redskyatnight]

Really in 2 minds about this so seeking some clarity ?

DH normally looks after DS after school, however he has a business trip coming up and will be away for 2-3 weeks.

All the childminders/after school clubs that might take DS are full or wouldn?t consider it for a short period.

We can call in various favours from friends but realistically wouldn?t have enough to cover the whole period (friends have other commitments after school and we wouldn?t ask any 1 friend to have him for more than 1 or 2 afternoons anyway in the interests of not imposing).

DS is brought home every day by a neighbour (who is one of the people we could ask to look after him for the odd time or 2).
I can jig my work hours so that I will be home at most an hour after him.
DS has just turned 9.

Both DH and I have memories of letting ourselves in after school and being alone for a similar period at a similar age. So DH has suggested that we give DS a key and ask the neighbour to make sure that he does get in ok (and put her and a couple of other neighbours on standby in case of emergencies). DS would most likely watch TV or play on the Wii for the whole time.

Are we (or would we) BU?

(and for those who mumble about we should have a proper back up plan I should point out it is highly unusual for DH to be away for so long at a time- he normally only goes away for 2 or 3 days which we can cope with).

[oopsadaisymaisy]

If I knew someone left their child at home alone at 9 I would probably inform social services. I have a nearly 11 year old and I might be in a position to leave him on his own but I wouldn't because I don't think its fair that he should be left n a position to fend for himself at such a young age. That's my child and my view. I was left as a child around 10 and sincerely view myself as neglected but must stress the circumstances were very specific to me and don't mean that a well cared for child being given independence is the same. I wouldnt do it by then I'm very cautious.

[TheCarefulLaundress]

go one, oopsadaisy, ring SS and tell them you know of a child of 9, safely ensconced in their own warm home. Watching telly, having a snack, playing on their DS for an hour after school til their mum gets home. It'll give the social workers a good chuckle

[Clary]

as ever, I am astounded that some people on MN apparently think a child of primary age should not be left alone, ever.

I wonder why? Oh yes, the unexpected might happen. Yes, and so it might to am 11yo or a 13yo - at what age will the unexpected never happen then? So that you can then leave them at home in their house watching the TV???

I am not saying OP should do this - tbh my 9yo who is a very gregarious boy (no 3 child) actually isn;t keen - he's at home with his siblings (11.5 and 13.5) and no adult for 30-40 mins 3 evenings a week (call SS someone!) but on the one occasion when by chance he was actually on his own for about 20 mins he was not happy. But your child may well be different in which case you have my vote.

[TheCatInTheHairnet]

Well, I just asked my 9 yo and she thought it was an awesome idea, and could I start leaving her please?!!

I think I could do it with her, but my 8 yo Ds is MILES away from that level of independence.

To prevent the whole knife in a toaster and broken glass worry on here, could you make sure you leave a decent snack and a juice box/ bottle of water in the fridge for him? Does he have a phone or an iPod with a texting app? Because then he could text you with any worries.

[Chandon]

I think it is emergency parenting, dressed up as an independence exercise.

Are you saying, that even if it was not necessary for work, you would on purpose come home an hour later as you believe it teaches your DC a valuable lesson? Every day? honestly???

Fair enough if you cannot do it any other way, and the child is sensible etc.

If you must, you must.

But do not pretend you designed this set up to do the child a favour. Is so false. Occasionally leaving a child alone at this age is fine, clearly. Helping children acquire independence is great an necessary. But that is not what this is about!

[overmydeadbody]

Chandon no one is dressing it up as an independence excersise, people are just saying that by the age of 9 some children are independent enough to be left at home alone.

In my case it is not emergency parenting, it is just life. We work, he goes to school, he is old enough to get to school and back again on his own. Sometimes he arrives home first, sometimes one of his parents arrives home first. It's just day to day living. I'm not giving up work just so I can guarantee I am home before him. That wouldn't benefit any of us.

[LilyBolero]

It is extraordinary and alarming that people genuinely believe that kids of 9/10/11 should not be left.

Let me tell you about ds1's journey home from school a couple of weeks back; he walked 1/2 mile, got on the bus. The bus then unexpectedly terminated, and he had to get off. He was the only one on that bus. He didn't know where he was, but he figured he would retrace the bus' route till he was on familiar territory. (the next bus on that route was not for an hour but he knew he could get a different bus on a different route). He got himself back to the city centre, and then walked up the hill to the route of the other bus, got on it and got home.

He is 11. That to my mind is FAR riskier than leaving a 9/10/11 yo at home, but it is the reality of travelling to secondary. We live in a major city, but he is fine getting himself across it.

And for those saying it would put a child at risk; do you ever drive your child anywhere? Because that is by FAR the riskiest thing people generally do with their children.

[overmydeadbody]

I agree Lilyboo.

[financialwizard]

Completely agree with Lilyboo.

Fgs it is an hour and the mother is ten minutes away by foot.

My 11 year old spends 2.5hrs on his own after school Monday-Friday because of my work and all he manages is in the door, bag down, ps3 on. Vilify me now.

What the op is proposing is entirely normal for most families as long as she teaches him to down tools and go to one of the designated next door neighbours in an emergency.

[yggdrasil]

"If I knew someone left their child at home alone at 9 I would probably inform social services."

oh seriously, ffs. I mean, honestly, go for it, give them a laugh.

I'm sorry you had a bad experience of this yourself. I didn't-I walked home alone each day, over the bloody North Circular, from the age of 8. A good mile. And I was then home alone for around two hours. Every day, unless I was going to a friend's house.

Not all 9 year olds are mature enough to do this, no. But many are, and I'd say that that is the norm, in the same way that most nine year olds are able to read fluently, but a few will still be struggling.

I think we do far more harm overprotecting our kids and giving them the impression that they cannot cope for one frigging hour in their own home, than by trying to anticipate every little danger. Its probably far more dangerous, I dunno, for him to get in the car with a friend to drive to their house than be alone in the house for that time.

[yggdrasil]

the mother is ten minutes away by foot ???

oh my christ people, move along, nothing to see.

seriously, nine is not a baby. If a nine year old can't cope in those situations-I'm not saying anything is amiss, just that, maybe this is an area that they might need to work on. Like I say, same as with reading, kids mature at different rates but by 9 a kids should, IMO, have the life skills to cope for one bloody hour in their own house with their mum perhaps a mile away.

Jesus

[usualsuspect]

OPs DS is 9 not 11.

I would be ok with an 11 year old being left, just not a 9 year old.

[notactuallyme]

These threads drive me nuts! Everytime this comes up people start talking about it being illegal etc - there is NO law on this stuff - it's up to you! Even the age of the babysitter! You can be prosecuted if it's negligent. And breathe.
www.childrenslegalcentre.com/userfiles/Home%20Alone.pdf

[TheSnowFairy]

I think it totally depends on the child. TBH, I'd feel better about my 8 yr old staying by himself than his elder brother

[SPBInDisguise]

I do think it's too young. As it's only for a limited amount of time, I'd call in favours, ask neighbours etc. Come home extra early one day (I realise you're already coming back earlier than usual)? Maybe a couple of days leave?

However I do think some people are being a bit hysterical! Look after your child, he deserves it

[conorsrockers]

I am always a bit at these threads. Personally, I would do it, and I do. But then I know 9 year olds that cry if Mums not waiting outside the school gates on time, can't shower themselves or make a drink without help.
My DS1 now 10 stays at home regularly alone, rather than getting dragged out to his younger brothers football matches or come to the shops (and has done since about 8). He has to take a flight alone soon and didn't bat an eyelid when we discussed the logistics.
If you've brought your kids up to be independent and sensible then I don't see a problem. At all.
... and the fact you have neighbours is great, he can go to them if there's a problem ... our nearest neighbour is over a mile away!

[yggdrasil]

errr...bit of a difference LaQueen. You're talking about babies, I presume.

I really hate to say it, but that's a situation that could easily have happened, presumably, with you in the house but asleep. It could have happened in your room. Any number of possibilities. And there are basic, obvious things that I am sure that the OP will have done. Made sure the fire alarm is working (its the first thing we check on entering a rental property). Made sure her son knew what to do if the house was, god forbid, on fire.

I agree that if a nine year old is unable to notice that the house is on fire then it would be unwise to leave him alone. In that situation, however, I suggest it might be beneficial too work on his skills.

I hate to say this, but any one of our kids could actually end up left alone in the house at any age. For years, I had three very small kids in the house with me, sometimes for days when my partner worked away. Noone who necessarily would check up. If I'd fallen down the stairs or keeled over, god only knows what would have happened. I did teach them quite early to use the phone and so on, but you know, these skills are important. Yes its unlikely anything could happen but probably less unlikely than a freak incident when in your home for an hour playing on the wii.

[yggdrasil]

"But then I know 9 year olds that cry if Mums not waiting outside the school gates on time, can't shower themselves or make a drink without help. "

See to me, assuming its coming about because the parents didn't bother to teach them, (I know some kids are just resistant to learning self reliance, that's different!) that is closer to neglect that teaching a kid to be self reliant enough to cope for an hour in the house with his mum running distance away.

[usualsuspect]

I'm sure my children at 9 could have coped alone for an hour, I just didn't want them to have to.

[LilyBolero]

To the poster who said 'the child is 9, not 11'; that is true. I was simply showing the level of independence they need at 11, and to attain that, they probably need to be having some independence such as being at home alone from 9 onwards.

Fwiw, don't imagine the kids are necessarily 'safe' just because you are in the house with them. A fire could still harm them. I knew someone who was home with his 3yo. A burglar broke in, killed the parent. The 3yo was there with his body for 3 days. :(

And as I said earlier, driving is about the biggest risk we take with children, but we don't think twice about it.

[yggdrasil]

well no, I disagree, laqueen

its a matter of degree. Clearly being a mile away for an hour is not the same as being in the same house for that hour. Clearly scary things CAN happen, I don't think there's any debate there. The debate is over whether the infintessimally small chance of something he can't cope with coming up is enough to outweigh the benefits of having the experience of staying home alone.

The incident you described is awful, please don't get me wrong. But it just is not the same as the situation the OP describes in terms of risk.

a. The OP's kid is 9. If anything happened, assuming he's a reasonably sorted kid which he sounds to be, he'd be able to call his mum for advice, call on a neighbour or just get himself out of his house.

b. In the worst case scenario, a mile is no distance for a nine year old to walk (or get a taxi-I presume the OP will leave emergency money and so on) and get to his mum's work.

c. He will not be asleep. He will be awake and doing low risk activities. I assume he will not be cooking or anything.

[LilyBolero]

Actually I just thought; our state primary gives Y4/5 as the age when it is appropriate for kids to walk home alone, do I don't believe for a second that social services would be worried about a 9yo at home for an hour with phone numbers, and neighbours on hand.

It does worry me that society has lost sight of what is a 'real' risk and what is just hysteria.