to not want to tell people the sex of my baby?

[CheerfulYank]

I'm due in May. DH and I know the sex but would like to keep it to ourselves. (I want to have the big "it's a boy/it's a girl" moment in the hospital. )

My mother keeps asking me about it, sending me emails of things that are stereotypical "boy" or "girl" things and asking if she should buy them.

She has a friend who does exquisite linens for nurseries and has offered to make some for me. My mom said on the phone "I haven't even messaged her about anything recently because she'll want to know about the bedding and I don't know what color to tell her!" I said "can't you tell her in May? The baby will sleep in with us for awhile anyway so I'm not concerned about the nursery." Apparently not, though.

My brother, whom I have a difficult relationship with anyway, hates secrets or surprises of any kind. He sent me a few Facebook message saying "I don't get it" and "is this some "thing" people do now?" This is his way...he tries to make me feel stupid until I agree with him or do what he wants.

Even my best friends are talking about how they'll "get it out of me" and the general consensus seems to be that I'm being selfish. :(

AIBU not to tell? I just want to keep it between us and the few random mumsnetters I've told for awhile. Plus our pfb has been an only for almost six years and we are trying to include him as much as possible, so we were thinking he could make the announcement.

[CheerfulYank]

I DID say that Seabird! I'm a terrible liar though, I get very little practice. :)

[Gintonic]

YA absolutely NBU and I am aghast at some of the things people have said on this thread. It is up to you what you tell people when and there are lots of good reasons why someone might not want to tell others the gender of their baby. For example if you wanted a girl but it was a boy, you might need time to get used to the idea. Or if you and DH want some privacy to make decisions together without people suggesting names,colour schemes etc. To say that this is "attention seeking" is ridiculous, and horrible. Most people don't announce the name in advance, is that attention seeking too??!

Why not tell friends and family that you would rather they bought gifts once the baby is born because of superstition? That way they will know the size of the baby too so less chance of clothes being wasted!

Good luck and stick to your guns!

[AndABigBirdInaPearTree]

Can't believe the number of people who are saying that you should lie.

[3monkeys3]

You should have just said you didn't find out - people leave you alone then (we did it this way with ds1). We found out and told with our other 2 dc and it was just as nice.

I have a friend who found out but didn't tell and she did used to be very attention seeking about it, bringing it up all the time, getting people to guess, etc, but I don't think everyone who does this is necessarily attention seeking.

[BeauticianNotMagician]

CheerfulYank hi we were both on the May thread.Hope you are doing well.

Last year my BIL and his partner had a baby.They found out the sex and didn't tell any of the family.If I'm honest I didn't see the point in them having found out at all.If they had found out and not told us they were finding out fair enough we would have known no different.However,I love shopping for new babies and I thought ooh if we find out early we can all get stuff and spread the cost.By the time baby was due to be honest we had all kind of lost interest.Dont get me wrong or was great she had a healthy baby girl and I couldn't wait to see her but I just lost all interest in the big secrecy of it all.

I found out the sex if our baby having never found out before.Purely on the above experience I made it clear to DP if we found out he either told no one we were finding out and we kept it to ourselves or we told everyone else.So we have told everyone.We are having a ds3.My mothers reaction was 'oh that's a shame I hope you aren't too disappointed' I would rather she have 20 weeks to get over herself than have to deal with that kind of comment when I've got a newborn.People have made some really hurtful comments but its 4 weeks since we found out and I'm so excited I couldn't care less whst people say.Personally I feel the stress and hurt that I felt at first would have felt worse had I have just had my baby.

This is just my opinion nothing more.

[blonderthanred]

We did this because I wanted DH to be able to announce it after the birth, and because I didn't want the pink/blue gender thing starting before birth. I hoped it would make the sex less of a big deal.

I'm a crap liar so just said to people, it's a surprise. They either said, oh so you know or you're not telling, or said how rubbish the hospital was for not telling us. Or I said they weren't sure at the scan. Same response.

It became this massive issue and I did feel like a pfb parentzilla, also like it would seem as though I thought other people would care, which I didn't but I could hardly tell casual acquaintances if I wasn't telling my mum!

After he was born we were deluged with pale blue anyway. Although on the plus side my mum & family got into the idea of buying him lovely bright stuff. And we did get to announce it.

But I think next time it will be less trouble just to tell people!

[CheerfulYank]

For the record, again, I did try not to let on we know! :)

[PickledInAPearTree]

For some reason it sends me craaaa y if people know and don't tell.

[crashdoll]

Don't be bullied into telling people if you don't want to. It's your decision. :)

[feministefatale]

White is the best colour for baby bedding anyway.

having parties where everyone bites into a cupcake to reveal pink or blue filling
I hate people who do this. Seriously actual hate. Gender reveal parties? Why do they do it why?

It's like people who have a batchelorette party and a wedding shower on top of their wedding and pre wedding party and actually have the nerve to requests gifts for all of them. You kind of wonder if their parents didn't give them enough attention in the first place.

Look cheerful, just say no, I am not going to talk about it. And litterally refuse to speak about it, go quiet.

You really should have not told anyone anyway, even if you are an awful liar they would never know for sure if you had done it or not.

[feministefatale]

Oooh Can you actually go back to your mom and say you had another scan and they aren't sure now? They thought maybe it was the other gender now, but can't say for sure?

[valiumredhead]

Is this the right time to say that we know 2 people whose scans were wrong?

[Jux]

Tell everyone you're going to have an alien. Announce it on fb. Add that this is a new scientific breakthrough and how proud you are. Colours for aliens born of human parents are green, yellow or white.

[CheerfulYank]

My favorite part of this is my best friend, who is deeply immersed in GLBT and trans issues, gender is a social construct, etc, etc, is absolutely mad to know. :o

[mackerella]

Another one who thinks YANBU. But we also didn't tell people the sex when I was pregnant with DS, and now I'm pregnant again (only 13 weeks) I'm not sure if will will tell them this time either. It's partly to delay the inevitable comments ("oh how nice to have one of each" if it's a girl, and "oh, 2 boys will be a handful, bet you wish you were having a girl" if it's a boy), and partly to annoy my MIL, who has told me numerous time that [DH's surnames] ALWAYS have boys (in which case, there's no need to nag me about the sex, is there?)

I don't quite get Beautician's point about why her BIL and his partner "bothered" to find out the sex if they weren't going to tell other people: as PPs have said, it's useful to know so you can narrow down names. And nobody seems to mind if you don't tell everyone your chosen name until the birth - in fact it's MN orthodoxy that it's madness to do otherwise - so how is keeping the sex to yourself any different?

[CoteDAzur]

It's different because nobody can put you off having a boy and make you change your mind and have a girl when you tell them you are having a boy.

[CoteDAzur]

YABU by the way and a bit parentzilla as someone said further down.

Why on earth wouldn't you tell your mum the sex of her grandchild? What is this if not control freakery with a touch of "We're in the club and you're out ner her".

[CheerfulYank]

Because my mum is a nutter! :o

[BeauticianNotMagician]

I meant to put I didn't see the point in them finding out and not telling anyone but making us aware that they knew.Sorry I worded that wrong.

I love knowing especially for names etc.BIL made it clear he didn't want loads of neutral items he wanted to dress his baby in pink/blue.Which is fair enough and we obviously all waited to buy anything.However,it just struck me as weird that he would make such comments and it did kind of feel like ooh I know and you don't.It just came across to me as a bit immature.What made it worse is that she actually told her closest friends anyway do it wasn't really much of a secret at all.

[BeauticianNotMagician]

I'm not trying to make Cheerful change her mind.Im just saying how it felt to ME as being someone not being told and how that then in turn made me decide not to do the same with my pregnancy.

This is posted in AIBU so I presume opinions are wanted.

[CheerfulYank]

You're fine Beautician :)

Cote after 30 years of handling my DM I can tell you exactly how it will pan out for either option.

Me: Mom, it's a boy.

Her: Oh. Well, that's okay I guess. I just feel bad for him, he'll be in DS's shadow his whole life. And Alec is a stupid name and it's not short for Alexander no matter what you've heard. I'll send you a list of nice names tomorrow.

SCENARIO 2

Me: Mom, it's a girl.

Her: Ohhhhhh! Oh good! Now. I know you said you didn't want Sophie because DS starts with an S too, but you need to get over that, it's the sweetest name. And I know you'd like Rose in there somewhere BUT you can't, my sister will think it's after her and I'd have to kill someone. I know you said you'd like pale gray for the nursery but that's a bit grownup for a baby's room...

You get the point. :) And with either option, she would descend like a swarm of locusts to "help" by "encouraging" me to work on the nursery. And send me long emails of acceptable names every day.

I'm not really fussed about the nursery because we're co-sleeping for awhile and I'm planning to use my time getting the rest of my house in order before the baby gets here.

I have a friend who is due soon and she announced awhile ago what she was having and what his name will be and now it's all "Weslee this" and "Weslee that", and I'm very happy for her. But just for me personally, I'd like something to announce after the birth.

Besides I know people who have gone all out with announcements and decorating and then the scans were wrong anyway. :)

[breatheslowly]

I don't really understand your "big reveal" moment as I think that moment is really for the parents. Our parents could hardly hear us tell them that we had a DD for the noise DD made, but for us it was a real surprise and a genuine "big reveal" moment. You have chosen to find out what you are having, so your personal moment has happened and everyone else will know that it is a contrived moment of your choosing after the birth. Unless you were told the wrong sex in the first place (which occassionally happens).

[CheerfulYank]

Well, they don't know. So it will be a "big reveal" for them.

[snowybrrr]

'I know some people who've done this "we know but won't tell" and it just comes across as a bit parentzilla and attention seeking. I didn't know why but it does...Like you are trying to make the gender of your child a bigger deal to the rest of the world than it really is... A bit self important.

I agree with this.You do realise nobody, but you and your DH, is really interested in whether your sprog is blue or pink