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AIBU?

to not want to tell people the sex of my baby?

207 replies

CheerfulYank · 16/01/2013 22:46

I'm due in May. DH and I know the sex but would like to keep it to ourselves. (I want to have the big "it's a boy/it's a girl" moment in the hospital. )

My mother keeps asking me about it, sending me emails of things that are stereotypical "boy" or "girl" things and asking if she should buy them.

She has a friend who does exquisite linens for nurseries and has offered to make some for me. My mom said on the phone "I haven't even messaged her about anything recently because she'll want to know about the bedding and I don't know what color to tell her!" I said "can't you tell her in May? The baby will sleep in with us for awhile anyway so I'm not concerned about the nursery." Apparently not, though.

My brother, whom I have a difficult relationship with anyway, hates secrets or surprises of any kind. He sent me a few Facebook message saying "I don't get it" and "is this some "thing" people do now?" This is his way...he tries to make me feel stupid until I agree with him or do what he wants.

Even my best friends are talking about how they'll "get it out of me" and the general consensus seems to be that I'm being selfish. :(

AIBU not to tell? I just want to keep it between us and the few random mumsnetters I've told for awhile. Plus our pfb has been an only for almost six years and we are trying to include him as much as possible, so we were thinking he could make the announcement.

OP posts:

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ZooAnimals · 17/01/2013 00:30

Tbh I'd just tell DS now, let him tell Granny and everyone so he can be included now and then when the baby is born let him announce the name. He get's two special big brother moments and you get your family off your back.

janji · 17/01/2013 00:33

We kept the sex of both our dc a secret just between my dh and me. Gave my family endless hours of fun/frustration guessing and trying to catch us out!!

CheerfulYank · 17/01/2013 00:35

That would be nice Zoo, I'll talk to DH about it.

The other thing is that my in laws, like Jojo's, don't want to know.

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apostropheuse · 17/01/2013 00:49

YABU OP

You could at least tell mumsnet the gender of your baby.

LadyBeagleEyes · 17/01/2013 01:19

I know you CheerfulYank, you are one of the lovelyest posters on MN.
If you want to keep the sex of your baby secret from others, that's your choice, ignore the bitchiness.

Alligatorpie · 17/01/2013 01:50

We asked dd aged 6 if she wanted to know the sex when iwas pregnant and she said no. We even took her to a 20 week scan thinking she would get excited and want to find out, but she didn't. The tech whispered to me on the way out ( after being told that I didn't want to know) so I knew.
We told people dd didn't want to find out and we were respecting that. Only a few people knew that I knew( my mom even) but no one pestered us. I just repeated that we were respecting dd1's wishes. I didn't actually slip up until I called mil to ask her to bring dd1 to the hospital to meet her sister. Luckily she didn't tell her and it was the surprise it was supposed to be.

YorkshireDeb · 17/01/2013 02:00

I'm surprised how many people are against this - it's what we did. It was my dp who desperately wanted to keep it 'for us' & I thought it would be really difficult but was happy to support his wishes. Most people asked once & lost interest when we said we were keeping it to ourselves. By the time our ds arrived we'd slipped up so many times most people had figured it out but politely not said anything. The only ones who hadn't noticed were the ones who were desperately trying to find out. I found, interestingly, that a lot of the people who asked were the same ones who actually told me I was insane to want to find out anyway! X

aurynne · 17/01/2013 02:02

I have always found the "we know but won't tell" a bit stupid, to be honest. Parents do realise that the rest of the world couldn't care less, don't they? And that the reaction to "it's a boy" or "it's a girl" is going to be of faked delight regardless? It is not as if the revelation of the baby's gender is going to change the speed of the expansion of the galaxies.

I only see a point in surprises when the final revelation holds at least a gram of relevance to the life of the person to whom the "truth" is revealed. Holding on the knowledge of a baby's gender until it's born is not in my list of meaningful surprises. Buy hey, perhaps I'm just a grinch.

Impatientwino · 17/01/2013 02:54

Well I don't think you're BU for being annoyed about everyone saying they will try and get it out of you.

We knew the sex of our baby but didn't tell anyone apart from our parents (mainly as I'm shite at lying to my mum even now and if she knew we had to tell MIL too)

A lot of our friends were adamant we knew for some reason and furious we were keeping it from them! I kept insisting we didn't know but got lots of 'we'll trip you up' comments just the same!

What is it with people thinking that everything is their business! I don't get why it's so important for others to know! If someone says actually I'd rather keep it to myself that isn't a cue to start an interrogation, just move the conversation on!

It wound me up too when I was a hormonal raging maniac pregnant

Just nod and smile and tell them it's most definitely a boy.....or a girl

CheerfulYank · 17/01/2013 04:36

Auryenne if they don't care, why are they insisting I tell them?

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TanteRose · 17/01/2013 04:44

exactly! I don't get why everyone would be bothered - its a BABY! doesn't matter if its a boy or a girl

you are being perfectly reasonable CY

TELL US

CheerfulYank · 17/01/2013 05:13

I think part of my insistence on keeping mum is, well, my mum. :o. She often means well but can be very overbearing, and I know if she knew there'd be a constant barrage of questions about names or nursery ideas and "jokingly" telling me my ideas or choices are stupid.

She begged me not to marry DH two months before our wedding, then hung up on me a few months after when I phoned to tell her I was pregnant. (Because she's "too young" to be a grandmother...well, shouldn't have been a teen mom then! :) )

Then halfway through my pregnancy with DS she decided she was in love with the idea and began forcefully offering her choices for names.

She has since decided he is a lovely shining angelic genius who can do no wrong, while I can do plenty. She stayed with us for a week to care for DS when he was about five months old so I could look for daycare and go back to work. Everyday she told me how miserable I'd be to leave him, then burst into tears when I finalized the job and care for him because "I can't stand to think of him, just crying at a daycare!'

For all her protestations of him, she now adores DH because I go and spend a weekend with friends every few months and he doesn't. "Things do have to change when you have children, Cheerful...I certainly never stayed away from you and your brother! If you have to go I don't know why you don't take DS with you!" Um...because being able to talk uninterrupted by children is the bloody POINT! :)

Lots of asking me if DH and I are having problems because "you go away so much!", lots of calling DS 'my baby' or 'my boy', lots of comments about my nap every day (which is not even true), lots of being aghast that I didn't always make sure I was up before DS to "get a start on things."

And then the recent comments about how "we" don't need another baby because we already have the perfect one, how DS will always be the favorite, etc. My dad built a beautiful crib for DS and stamped his name and birthdate on a beam on the underside. We will be using the crib for this one as well and he asked me over the phone if he should stamp "the other one's" name on as well. :) I said yes that'd be lovely and I could hear Mom in the background saying "No DS is special."

So I think in light of everything maybe I'd just like to keep the baby to ourselves for a bit? I dunno.

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exoticfruits · 17/01/2013 05:43

I can't see the problem. DH and I knew, but we never told anyone that we knew and no one knows 20 years later that we knew!
There is bound to be a problem if you say 'we know but we are not telling you'!

exoticfruits · 17/01/2013 05:46

If you want to 'keep it just for yourselves' do everyone a favour and do just that. The alternative is like the small child who says 'I have a secret, but I'm not telling you!'

CheerfulYank · 17/01/2013 05:48

I didn't say that Exotic. :) I tried to lie but I am rotten at it.

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exoticfruits · 17/01/2013 06:02

I agree that it is a bit late now- you can't turn back the clock.
You could either let your DS make the announcement now, and keep them all happy, or just carry on as you are - don't discuss- smile,nod and change the subject.

PorridgeBrain · 17/01/2013 06:07

YANBU - we did the same with dd1 although I told people we didn't know

For DD2, we told people we knew the sex if they asked and only told people what it was if they wanted to know (my mum didn't, others did).

At the end of the day it's your news and you should tell people if and when you want to.

PorridgeBrain · 17/01/2013 06:34

Just read that this is not your first dc, what did you do with your first ds just of interest?

pumpkinsweetieMasPudding · 17/01/2013 06:47

Yab tad U, they are only excited because they know you know and are now desparate to share in the excitement!

If you want the big suprise at birth, i'm surprised you found out the sex yourself

yellowsubmarine53 · 17/01/2013 06:54

I think it's fair enough not wanting others to know, not 'selfish' at all. They'll find out eventually!

In your circumstances, I would probably want to tell my child/children so they can prepare themselves and so that they're not excluded from my and dh's 'secret' tbh. Which would inevitably involve everyone else knowing, I guess.

CheerfulYank · 17/01/2013 06:55

I know Pumpkin, I couldn't resist.

Porridge last time we told.

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CheerfulYank · 17/01/2013 06:56

Yellow DS doesn't know we know. If he did and really wanted to know I'd tell him.

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janey68 · 17/01/2013 07:05

It is of course entirely up to you and your dh whether you tell people BUT I agree with the majority that it seems a bit silly to tell people you know if you then don't intend to reveal the gender. We decided we didn't want to know as we wanted surprises each time, but if we had felt we wanted to know, we would Either have just announced the sex or not told anyone we'd asked to know. We certainly wouldn't have announced that we knew but weren't saying because it just gives rise to annoying questions

janey68 · 17/01/2013 07:08

Your mum sounds terrible btw and I certainly wouldn't be inviting her to help out with childcare this time round.

HecateWhoopass · 17/01/2013 07:13

good god, your mother sounds hard work!

You know, you could have avoided all this by not finding out yourself or by laying the groundwork beforehand and being really vocal about not wanting to know, wanting the big surprise when the baby is born, etc. Then people would have expected that you didn't know and wouldn't have pressed it. and you also would have enjoyed the big surprise at the birth.

You're going to have to be firm.

We're NOT telling anyone. Stop asking.

Or just tell them. Have the Big Reveal now.

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